Boyfriend is 90% focused on himself and 10% on us

[Kc220525]

So my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me two weeks ago because he's in that phase where he's finding himself and building his career. He's going to school and working at the same time, and with my increased need for attention and affection, he broke up with me. He explains that he loves and cares for me deeply, but he just can't provide me with the affection I need now because he's so occupied with himself.

 

He said that without me, or without being bound to anybody, he feels more productive, being able to focus 100% on himself.

 

But over the break I missed him a lot and he admits to missing us too. Even though he misses me and still loves me, he never contacted me first, but I guess it was because he knew I'd always contact him first..

 

We're back together now because I told him I want to be there for him through the bad times, not just the good times. But things doesn't feel right even with us being back together. He used to text me every morning before he leaves for work or school, tells me he misses me during the day, and text or call me in the evening. But now it's like as if we're still on break because he doesn't talk to me unless I talk to him first.

 

I asked him if he doesn't love me anymore, he should let me know so I can move on. The only reason I'd put up with this is if he really loves me, I believe this phase will pass. He firmly assures me that he loves me, and he misses all of the lovey dovey things we do, it's just that he's too focused on himself right now.

 

Any advice on what I should do to help him act like a boyfriend to me again? I know he cares about me but at the same time, the breakup has made him realize that he can be stoic and still have me loving him.

 

What should I do? I love him a lot and don't want to lose him by giving him an ultimatum like "Give me affection or I'll leave"

Edited June 29, 2013 by Kc220525

[Janesays]

This relationship is already dead. The only thing this man was missing was regular sex and companionship. When something better comes along, you'll be out the door. I know this hurts to hear, but no matter what he says, HE IS NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.

 

And every second you spend with him is one less second you could be spending with the TRUE love of your life.

[ascendotum]

I agree with Jane. While I have seen breakups and get togethers before they rarely last and are often built on fear of being single by one of the parties and the love is just not there for the other one and it shows (pretty soon as mentioned in your post). The breakup is not the result of some huge fight. This 'career phase' for your bf is just not something that is going to be there for a few years to come. If he's putting in long hours he could easily just not have the time to devote to a FT relationship, but the inclination does not seem to be there either.

 

"He explains that he loves and cares for me deeply" - that's probably very likely true, but love as in fondness, is not the same as love as in feeling passionate about you. If he is breaking up with you, that love is not there anymore. Obviously you want to fight for the relationship but I really think you should have a heart to heart, don't spare your feelings talk...or you could do your..."ultimatum like "Give me affection or I'll leave", and bring it too a head. Just getting 10% from him is not ideal for you, and be careful, as I've seen partners who put in a lot to support an uneven relationship during 'career building phase' and when its over the relationship is over and its been a case I suspect of 'I think I can do better now/I am ready to feel invigorated again'

[shexy]

It sounds like this relationship is pretty much already over.....he wants to be by himself right now, but probably wouldn't mind still hooking up with you if possible.

 

I would leave him alone if I were you.