BS wants to declare war on AP

June 30, 2013

If you don't let him go, your husband will go. You don't really believe he's scum.
You are still carrying a torch for him after all the lies he told you. After he participated with you in betraying the husband you say you love.
I know you feel some remorse, but you are not all the way there yet.
True remorse will change your perspective of the OM completely.
You know in your mind he's scum, yet your heart is saying something different. Your husband doesn't have all of you..he's knows that and that in itself drives his anger.

What is a good reason he should stay with you?
Name one.

This feels like a trick question. Of course the real answer is: he shouldn't. No one should have to deal with this kind of hurt and shame caused by the person they love the most.

But there is more. He still loves me, more than anyone else in the world. When we work together, we work so well. We are a wonderful team. We are best friends. I can't imagine being closer to anyone in the world that I am to him (although there is a distance now that wasn't there before). We can talk about anything, and he appreciates that we can talk as equals. I support him in his career, which many women married to men in his career track do not. He wants to have kids with me, as he believes we will be fun parents together.

Is this enough? It seems like it's usually the couples with kids that make it. We don't have kids to hold us together or make us fight harder. I don't want to give up if there's even a chance that we can do it.

June 30, 2013

Girl, if you don't choose one of them soon your going to get them both hurt. Does that thought give you power? Your the problem in all of this, you can end this anytime but your choosing not to, Why?

I don't want either of them hurt. But that's the problem, isn't it?

June 30, 2013

Why would you have children with someone your not completely committed to? Your not treating him as your best friend, your hurting him over and over again. I think you are going to loose both unless you wake up.

June 30, 2013

The first issue is that he trusted you.

You aren't trustworthy.

It's not right to discuss your M with others - that a isolation of respect, honor and privacy. You need to work on your lack of morals.

And who cares if he beats the crap out of your OM - the guy screwed his wife! And all the while pretending to be his friend! That's unforgivable for both of you!!!

And NOW you re STILL worried about protecting this douche that screwed all of you over?

You have some seriously misplaced priorities.

Do some serious sol searching. Things seem backwards.

June 30, 2013

This feels like a trick question. Of course the real answer is: he shouldn't. No one should have to deal with this kind of hurt and shame caused by the person they love the most.

But there is more. He still loves me, more than anyone else in the world. When we work together, we work so well. We are a wonderful team. We are best friends. I can't imagine being closer to anyone in the world that I am to him (although there is a distance now that wasn't there before). We can talk about anything, and he appreciates that we can talk as equals. I support him in his career, which many women married to men in his career track do not. He wants to have kids with me, as he believes we will be fun parents together.

Is this enough? It seems like it's usually the couples with kids that make it. We don't have kids to hold us together or make us fight harder. I don't want to give up if there's even a chance that we can do it.

It's not a trick question..

Do you believe you can't imagine being closer to anyone in the world?

Because right now you still allow the OM to occupy space that only should be for your husband.

Those are good things you mention.

However it's only going through the motion if you can't really love your husband the way you should.

Your vows were to love and cherish him..him only.

You made that vow. They're broken and because you broke them..he is broken. Make a decision to whom will fully occupy your heart. The OM or your h

June 30, 2013

Why would you have children with someone your not completely committed to? Your not treating him as your best friend, your hurting him over and over again. I think you are going to loose both unless you wake up.

OM is long gone. We've had NC since DDay 5 months ago.

What's odd on the emotional end is that I wasn't very hurt losing him at first. But as time has gone on, there have been days where I have had intense emotional thoughts about him, sometimes missing him intensely, sometimes a lot of hurt, sometimes super angry. I think it's actually gotten worse over time. From what I've read in other people's posts, this is the behavior of an addict going through withdrawal. Every time I think I'm over the hump on this, something triggers me and it's as bad as before.

OM doesn't care about me at all (as far as I can/could tell). It is no end of frustrating to have any residual feelings at all for him. I thought our relationship was a friends with benefits kind of thing. I didn't expect to deal with emotions on this end at all.

I want badly to get rid of those feelings altogether so that I can devote myself 100% to H. I'm not always sure how, though. If anyone has advice on this end, I could sure use it.

June 30, 2013

The first issue is that he trusted you.

You aren't trustworthy.

It's not right to discuss your M with others - that a isolation of respect, honor and privacy. You need to work on your lack of morals.

And who cares if he beats the crap out of your OM - the guy screwed his wife! And all the while pretending to be his friend! That's unforgivable for both of you!!!

And NOW you re STILL worried about protecting this douche that screwed all of you over?

You have some seriously misplaced priorities.

Do some serious sol searching. Things seem backwards.

I'm not terribly concerned about OM getting beat up. I just don't want H to have to deal with legal or social fallout because of it.

June 30, 2013

I'm not terribly concerned about OM getting beat up. I just don't want H to have to deal with legal or social fallout because of it.

You don't get a say anymore.

Your H is a big boy. Let him handle it.

June 30, 2013

The fact that you and your husband have no.children together is the isolated blessing in all.of this. If you do continue to reconcile, maybe consider strongly waiting 2-5 years before having kids at least. That's the average length of time to heal from an affair.

You seem to really desire to make things right with your husband. Just realize this is going to be more difficult.than you could possibly imagine. He will suffer from trust issues possibly for life and the social life you once knew will be no.more. You mentioned.how.you 2 are best friends, can talk about anything, he wants you to have his kids...are you certain he still feels this way? Or are you describing what you 2 shared pre.discovery? Because it seems hard to believe these sentiments from him are.current. You may have to accept that the dreams you once shared as a couple are.done. Maybe you can create.new ones, but old illusions are all but shattered.

June 30, 2013

OM is long gone. We've had NC since DDay 5 months ago.

What's odd on the emotional end is that I wasn't very hurt losing him at first. But as time has gone on, there have been days where I have had intense emotional thoughts about him, sometimes missing him intensely, sometimes a lot of hurt, sometimes super angry. I think it's actually gotten worse over time. From what I've read in other people's posts, this is the behavior of an addict going through withdrawal. Every time I think I'm over the hump on this, something triggers me and it's as bad as before.

OM doesn't care about me at all (as far as I can/could tell). It is no end of frustrating to have any residual feelings at all for him. I thought our relationship was a friends with benefits kind of thing. I didn't expect to deal with emotions on this end at all.

I want badly to get rid of those feelings altogether so that I can devote myself 100% to H. I'm not always sure how, though. If anyone has advice on this end, I could sure use it.

How do you think your H must feel? You've ruined a lifelong friendship and all you're worried about is yourself, your feelings? Holy cow - that's so selfish I'm astounded!

Stop thinking you're so important! You've single handedly ruined lives and you're thinking of YOU?

Your H needs to leave you - you're not giving and kind enough for marriage!

June 30, 2013

The fact that you and your husband have no.children together is the isolated blessing in all.of this. If you do continue to reconcile, maybe consider strongly waiting 2-5 years before having kids at least. That's the average length of time to heal from an affair.

You seem to really desire to make things right with your husband. Just realize this is going to be more difficult.than you could possibly imagine. He will suffer from trust issues possibly for life and the social life you once knew will be no.more. You mentioned.how.you 2 are best friends, can talk about anything, he wants you to have his kids...are you certain he still feels this way? Or are you describing what you 2 shared pre.discovery? Because it seems hard to believe these sentiments from him are.current. You may have to accept that the dreams you once shared as a couple are.done. Maybe you can create.new ones, but old illusions are all but shattered.

He still says he feels this way. These are his reasons for staying with me. That and he thinks he'd be just as miserable without me, except then he'd be miserable while alone, which would make it that much worse.

June 30, 2013

I just don't want H to have to deal with legal or social fallout because of it.

One or two punches in the face (which I'm pretty sure exOM WILL take and keep his mouth shut about it) isn't worth calling the cops over. As for the social fallout, who are you referring to? Nosy neighbours? Family? Friends? If anything, the chances are higher most would totally back your H up and understand why he punched exOM.

Social fallout as in what? Being shunned? Or people finding out the truth that you cheated on your H with his best friend?

June 30, 2013

OM is long gone. We've had NC since DDay 5 months ago.

What's odd on the emotional end is that I wasn't very hurt losing him at first. But as time has gone on, there have been days where I have had intense emotional thoughts about him, sometimes missing him intensely, sometimes a lot of hurt, sometimes super angry. I think it's actually gotten worse over time. From what I've read in other people's posts, this is the behavior of an addict going through withdrawal. Every time I think I'm over the hump on this, something triggers me and it's as bad as before.

OM doesn't care about me at all (as far as I can/could tell). It is no end of frustrating to have any residual feelings at all for him. I thought our relationship was a friends with benefits kind of thing. I didn't expect to deal with emotions on this end at all.

I want badly to get rid of those feelings altogether so that I can devote myself 100% to H. I'm not always sure how, though. If anyone has advice on this end, I could sure use it.

Unfortunately he is not. He will always be a part of your marriage. He will always be that small dark cloud in the corner.

The difference will be how you respond to that small dark cloud.

The best way is having indifference to OM.

Your husband is hurt enough..what does it matter if OM gets hurt. He doesn't care anyway.

OM isn't holding you in this situation. You are.

You won't let it go because you can't believe how you let yourself get duped.

You have to somehow legitimize it.

You can't..it was wrong. OM used you and you allowed it.

You used each other.

Accept it..then let it go

June 30, 2013

OM is long gone. We've had NC since DDay 5 months ago.

What's odd on the emotional end is that I wasn't very hurt losing him at first. But as time has gone on, there have been days where I have had intense emotional thoughts about him, sometimes missing him intensely, sometimes a lot of hurt, sometimes super angry. I think it's actually gotten worse over time. From what I've read in other people's posts, this is the behavior of an addict going through withdrawal. Every time I think I'm over the hump on this, something triggers me and it's as bad as before.

OM doesn't care about me at all (as far as I can/could tell). It is no end of frustrating to have any residual feelings at all for him. I thought our relationship was a friends with benefits kind of thing. I didn't expect to deal with emotions on this end at all.

I want badly to get rid of those feelings altogether so that I can devote myself 100% to H. I'm not always sure how, though. If anyone has advice on this end, I could sure use it.

Stop letting yourself think of him. Do NOT 'go there' in your mind. Any time he pops in your head, say ASS.HOLE out loud and focus on your husband.

This seems too, an ego hurt which is just as hard to rid of as the addictive feelings felt in an A. You miss how xOM made you feel, it's NOT about him at all or what you felt for him. So, get busy and do something exciting. Go sky diving and get a rush from that. Do something that challenges you.

June 30, 2013

One or two punches in the face (which I'm pretty sure exOM WILL take and keep his mouth shut about it) isn't worth calling the cops over. As for the social fallout, who are you referring to? Nosy neighbours? Family? Friends? If anything, the chances are higher most would totally back your H up and understand why he punched exOM.

Social fallout as in what? Being shunned? Or people finding out the truth that you cheated on your H with his best friend?

She mentioned her husband being self-employed, which relies on his reputation. If there is a war between him and OM, and if others caught wind, that would hurt H financially. I think that's what she mentioned earlier...

June 30, 2013

How do you think your H must feel? You've ruined a lifelong friendship and all you're worried about is yourself, your feelings? Holy cow - that's so selfish I'm astounded!

Stop thinking you're so important! You've single handedly ruined lives and you're thinking of YOU?

Your H needs to leave you - you're not giving and kind enough for marriage!

2sunny. Just to be clear, I was talking about feelings about the OM in this post, not my husband. I want the feelings to disappear so that I can focus on my husband. I'm worried about lots of things, but since everyone is commenting that this is a big stumbling block to my marriage, I thought it was important to address.

And they are right. But since I don't know how to get rid of it, I'm asking for help. I thought it would go away if I left it alone long enough. I actually didn't think it existed at first at all.

June 30, 2013

One or two punches in the face (which I'm pretty sure exOM WILL take and keep his mouth shut about it) isn't worth calling the cops over. As for the social fallout, who are you referring to? Nosy neighbours? Family? Friends? If anything, the chances are higher most would totally back your H up and understand why he punched exOM.

Social fallout as in what? Being shunned? Or people finding out the truth that you cheated on your H with his best friend?

As far as social fallout, I'm much more concerned about secrets that the two know about each other and what would happen if they engaged in internet/war-or-words warfare. I talked about this in an earlier post.

June 30, 2013

2sunny. Just to be clear, I was talking about feelings about the OM in this post, not my husband. I want the feelings to disappear so that I can focus on my husband. I'm worried about lots of things, but since everyone is commenting that this is a big stumbling block to my marriage, I thought it was important to address.

And they are right. But since I don't know how to get rid of it, I'm asking for help. I thought it would go away if I left it alone long enough. I actually didn't think it existed at first at all.

Every time OM comes to your mind..go do something for your husband.

Make something he likes

Write him something nice

Go give him a hug

In other words..whatever space the OM starts to fill in your mind..go replace it with something for your H.

The only other things that will help you is no contact and time.

Do not look at pictures of the OM

Do not listen to songs you that remind you of him

Throw away things he gave you..everything.

Get rid of things you wore around him..Erase him from both mind body and spirit.

June 30, 2013

2sunny. Just to be clear, I was talking about feelings about the OM in this post, not my husband. I want the feelings to disappear so that I can focus on my husband. I'm worried about lots of things, but since everyone is commenting that this is a big stumbling block to my marriage, I thought it was important to address.

And they are right. But since I don't know how to get rid of it, I'm asking for help. I thought it would go away if I left it alone long enough. I actually didn't think it existed at first at all.

The M your H thought you had - no longer exists.

The wife he thought he trusted and married no longer exists.

What do you think he can do to get over those facts? What can YOU be doing to get past that evidence?

Talking honestly with him helps - but consistent good behavior still takes years for you to be believable.

Tossing in an innocent child is not our best idea.

Work on rebuilding a new M before considering kids.

June 30, 2013

this may give you insight of how a H feels after this level of betrayal.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/386834-caught-wife-cheating-her-best-friend-s-husband

June 30, 2013

Thank you, guys. Today has been a long, hard, emotional day. H has been extra pissed all day. Somehow I said something this morning that set him off right before he left for work (I'm not quite sure what). After that he started texting me about wanting to beat up OM. When he came home during a break from work, he was so pissed he wouldn't even talk to me. In his texts he talked about leaving and never coming back. He talked about me going and being with OM. I've spent all day crying and trying to figure out how to somehow send him a different message to him about OM. To let him know that I was past him and devoted to him - and to make sure it was true. I expect him to come home from work in a couple of hours even more pissed than when he left. I thought about going and spending the night somewhere else (my mom's), but then I thought that maybe he'd want to talk when he got home and I don't want him to spend another night stewing about this if he doesn't have to.

Having this forum of people who understand what the aftermath of an affair is like really helps. It helps to know that I'm not crazy and H is acting normally and not overreacting (my well-meaning friends tell me he is - can you believe that!). It helps to have advice and, believe it or not, to be told to get past my own bull.

I appreciate you guys taking the time out of your lives to respond to me and help me through this incredibly hard day. I'm not sure what would've happened today if I hadn't discovered this forum.

June 30, 2013

Thank you, guys. Today has been a long, hard, emotional day. H has been extra pissed all day. Somehow I said something this morning that set him off right before he left for work (I'm not quite sure what). After that he started texting me about wanting to beat up OM. When he came home during a break from work, he was so pissed he wouldn't even talk to me. In his texts he talked about leaving and never coming back. He talked about me going and being with OM. I've spent all day crying and trying to figure out how to somehow send him a different message to him about OM. To let him know that I was past him and devoted to him - and to make sure it was true. I expect him to come home from work in a couple of hours even more pissed than when he left. I thought about going and spending the night somewhere else (my mom's), but then I thought that maybe he'd want to talk when he got home and I don't want him to spend another night stewing about this if he doesn't have to.

Having this forum of people who understand what the aftermath of an affair is like really helps. It helps to know that I'm not crazy and H is acting normally and not overreacting (my well-meaning friends tell me he is - can you believe that!). It helps to have advice and, believe it or not, to be told to get past my own bull.

I appreciate you guys taking the time out of your lives to respond to me and help me through this incredibly hard day. I'm not sure what would've happened today if I hadn't discovered this forum.

Allow him the room to be angry a lot! He has every right to be flaming mad.

If he weren't mad - it would seem odd.

He needs to get his emotions out anytime he needs to - if it's uncomfortable for you - just know you've earned it.

Give him time and room to discuss his anger. Be a good listener. You may get clues on what HE NEEDS from you to feel safe moving forward.

June 30, 2013

do you and your H, have any idea of the definition of mge., do you have any concept of the sacred vows you took

What was wrong with your Mge---you say it was wonderful, and you were such a good couple----If that is so---then WHY THE F DID YOUR H BRING UP THE SUBJECT OF TAKING YOUR MGE "OPEN"

Your H, is an idiot---unless the parties to the mge need help and use kinky sexual acts, and all that brings---which is many cases is destruction---why would your H bring up going open----and you, what do you do---you jump on the idea so fast, you couldn't get started fast enuff----and with just the right person--your H, best friend---so what does this all end up---a F'ing double betrayal---what I wanna know is --why the he*l didn't you FIGHT FOR THE MGE---the mge you were a ring to depict, a mge, that supposedly THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH

I ain't gonna come down on you---you are already miserable---in a mge, that no longer exists, and in a situation that is falling apart quickly

---your H has NO BEEF WITH YOUR LOVER---he did not take vows with your lover---he did not marry your lover---he has a beef, with you and you alone

So this crap about getting in a fight, and having legal problems, and maybe going to jail----needs to be stopped---and there is one person, and one person only, that needs to put a stop to it---and that is YOU

I understand, you have very little or no standing at all, in what happens in re: your H/blown mge/relationship now------but you do have standing as far as the legal part of your mge goes---and what your H does, you are also responsible for---if it involves, finances, cuz he hurt someone bad enuff---to need medical help, or if he needs medical help---or he goes to jail, and then needs an atty. to defend him---you need to involve yourself, whether you like it or not---involving yourself is not telling your lover---IT IS FORCEFULLY MAKING YOUR H STOP---something you should have had the guts to do long ago, when he brought up "open" mge.

One other point---you cheated----you don't like yourself, and what you have done--you have your own misery to deal with---let me tell you, it ain't a thousandth of what your H, is going thru, in re: pain and misery---so when your H---says he is gonna cheat somewhere down the line---your answer needs to be---FINE---AFTER YOU D. ME.---cuz you yourself, DO NOT WANNA DEAL WITH HIS BETRAYING YOU.

Bottom line here---your H---brought all of this on himself, by starting the open mge crap, in the 1st place, and you---you never defended the mge

Now all of a sudden, you are trying like crazy to make what's left of your relationship work----why???????

as to feelings for your lover----there should not be one good thot, of any kind as to your lover---he is scum of the lowest order---he "worked" you---until you disrespected your H/mge, so badly you destroyed it all----how do you have any kind of feelings but REVULSION for your lover, no matter what the time/conditions are-----I don't think you should be talking about how you are so into your H/what is left of this mge,---if you have any kind of nice thots for your lover----you still do not respect your H, DO YOU---otherwise there would be nothing but vile thots in re: your lover

June 30, 2013

Why did you need a friend with benefits? Rather than looking outside of your marriage for a remedy, it makes more sense to fix it from the inside after all, how can bringing a third person into your relationship help you fix it? You can send him a different message about OM by stopping to think of OM as your friend, because he is no friend, he's a predator. You are the only one having happy thoughts about him. Don't you feel shame for what the two of you have done to your husband? Replace the happy image of OM with the image of you signing the final divorce decree and the OM handed you the pen.

June 30, 2013

That is one of the things that I love so much about him. I don't think he's ever even punched someone.

You love him so much you have an affair with his lifelong best friend who was his best man at your wedding...

I am totally disgusted by your actions. You should get down on your knees and thank the heaves that's your husband is misdirecting his anger at OM instead of directing it rightfully at you.

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BS wants to declare war on AP

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