BS wants to declare war on AP

[Artie Lang]

well, it sounds like your husband is dead-set on some kind of confrontation.

 

for the record, i think this OM will eventually puss out and not show..... most, if not all, OM tend to be the biggest p*ssies when it comes to confrontation. usually hiding behind the law.

 

personally, i'm aghast at how this "open relationship" was broached. it was pretty much left on the table, with you diving head first before you got the go-ahead.

 

you guys need some serious counseling because it seems your BS is on the warpath right now.

[Zoden]

Right now we are working on R, but there are still times when he wonders if it's worth it.

Obviously I can't know because I don't know you guys but it sounds like the marriage is something you both want to save and I hope it works out for you both.

 

It sounds like you guys need marriage counseling if your not already doing so. I think it would be worth it for both of you.

 

I would advise both of you to stay away from his former friend. It sounds from your earlier posts that he manipulated the situation to his advantage. This is not the actions of a true friend. Not even close. Your H would be better served erasing this person from your lives. I would suggest if your H has any questions for this former friend to do it by email and for him to never see this person again.

[SoulStorm]

I can't explain on her behalf, but I can say this much, as a general overview. For one, keep in mind she believed that her H was okay with the open-relationship idea, and that he had even suggested OM for it. Yes, she and OM jumped the gun a bit, but H did nothing to make her believe that he had changed his mind; not until the line had already been crossed. Once the line is crossed, there is this feeling of A) either having already fallen from grace, which though it is flawed logic, may very well be what went through one's head and B) when deep-seated emotions come into play, it's hard to convince ones' self that what they're doing is wrong. Yes, on a deep level, they know they shouldn't be doing it-but some part of it feels so right.

 

Like I said, I can't speak for every WS, or for any, for that matter. What I have stated is merely just a theory.

 

On the bold part..they jumped the gun A LOT. There was no go ahead. She took it upon herself because her interest was peaked. He eventually said NO, but she had already immersed herself in the relationship. She was already in an EA sliding gradually to the PA. They both (OM and her) took advantage of her husband's trust.

They deserved the yelling for hours and OM deserves his butt kicked for being the aggressor and smooth talking the OP into the affair without her husband's final ok.

The OM had a girlfriend right? Was her husband pursuing her as it was part of the agreement?

Nope. compulsivedancer allowed all of this to happen because that's what she wanted at that time. Now her bad choices has caused chaos and her husband is on the warpath.

From part of the song from that old show from the 70's called Baretta,

"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time"

In all actuality and for maturity..I hope he doesn't fight the OM, but that doesn't mean the OM doesn't deserve it.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Okay, they jumped the gun a lot. They made a bad choice, I agree; but there's nothing that can really be done about it, now.

 

The OP has said as much that she wishes she could take it all back. Sadly, what's done is done.

[aliveagain]

So when you buy a ticket on a dream home do you call a hauling company and move all your stuff in before they draw the ticket? Lets get real, you could have said no until a decision was made, you took your husbands choice away, period. You decided selfishly, you and other man made your own agreement, your husband had nothing to do with your choice or why else would you have hide it from him for six months? The affair lasted 6 months but you only had sex for two of those months, does that mean it's less adultery? Will your children , your parents, your neighbors, the people you see every Sunday at church, will they respect you more because penetration sex didn't happen for all of it, just oral and fondling for the other 4 months? Until you accept the full magnitude of what you have done including owning it all, healing won't happen. As long as you think OM is a great guy only one of you are in this marriage. You may not like what I tell you but it is the truth, I have nothing to gain by telling it to you, you and I will never meet, what happens to you will not change my life. What happens to your family will, it will sadden me to see children hurt.

[whichwayisup]

This is double betrayal. His childhood friend, his best friend, his best man at your wedding. Yes, your H has every right to wanna kick his ass..Though that doesn't make it right.

 

Not sure what you can do to prevent your H from wanting to beat up his best friend.

 

What you can do is stop defending him and stop thinking of him as 'a good guy' and see him as a guy who has issues, a guy who is selfish and knowingly got involved with his BF's wife. Your H will NEVER see him as a 'good guy.'

[whichwayisup]

Right now we are working on R, but there are still times when he wonders if it's worth it.

 

What are you doing to make him see you're worth fighting for? Worth saving your marriage? Marriage counseling, together and apart?

[aliveagain]

What if you warn OM and he brings protection and your husband is critically hurt, happens all the time in love triangles. The problem I see in your post is that you are not standing next to your husband as a united team, your still in the middle because you think the OM is still a nice guy yet he is helping you destroy what was your marriage. I would bet money that if you told your husband that your choosing him and you agree that OM should be out of your lives forever and you were willing to put that in writing, the meeting would never happen. What's stopping you from doing that?

[JustAReformedGirl]

What if you warn OM and he brings protection and your husband is critically hurt, happens all the time in love triangles. The problem I see in your post is that you are not standing next to your husband as a united team, your still in the middle because you think the OM is still a nice guy yet he is helping you destroy what was your marriage. I would bet money that if you told your husband that your choosing him and you agree that OM should be out of your lives forever and you were willing to put that in writing, the meeting would never happen. What's stopping you from doing that?

 

This is a valid point; perhaps if your husband felt your support, he'd cool down enough not to go through with it. I understand why you plead with him not to; you fear it will change him more than what's already been done.

 

But he really may just need your understanding on the matter. Show him your sincerity, and it could make a world of difference.

[compulsivedancer]

What are you doing to make him see you're worth fighting for? Worth saving your marriage? Marriage counseling, together and apart?

He doesn't want counseling. He thinks that a counselor is paying someone to tell us all the things we can talk through on our own. I'm thinking I might go in for counseling, though.

 

I'm trying to just be there for him as much as possible. I'm trying to show him that I love him and won't do this again. But I don't know if it'll ever be enough.

[compulsivedancer]

AliveAgain: We don't have kids. I'm not planning on warning the OM. We have had this discussion. It helps, but it varies depending on his mood. I never knew he could be so full of rage. He's so gentle so much of the time. It hurts so much to see him so angry and know how much he's hurting to make him act that way.

 

When I ask him not to fight OM, I think he sees that as me protecting OM, when for me it's me protecting H. He's already hurting so much, I don't want him to give up more for the satisfaction of the moment. That's what got us into this situation in the first place (me doing that).

[HopingAgain]

The continued allegiance you are showing to OM is.disturbing. Not only did he lie to your H, hw lied to you about his Long term girlfriend being ok with all this. Does she even know?

 

I don't believe you realistically know how much you've opened up the floodgates in your marriage now. Noone or nothing is off limits in his eyes now: be it sister, cousin, aunt, or friend. He will NEVER want to bring another friend or relative around you if they are a man. And you won't want to bring any female friends around him either because payvack will be in his mind even years from now.

 

I don't usually encourage couples to seperate, but aving lived through the hell of double betrayal and its consequences, you probably will both save further agony and tears by parting ways. Some things just can't be fixed.

[canuckprincess]

Is it possible that your husband is just testing you, he could be trying to get you to break no contact with om.

[Artie Lang]

I never knew he could be so full of rage.

 

OP, you were screwing another man- his best friend, for crying out loud -behind his back, what would lead you to believe otherwise.

[aliveagain]

Than you need to commit to him, unite against the enemy you freely allowed into his sanctuary. Have you written a no contact letter to other man, if not sit down with your husband and write it out with his approval than walk it down to the post office together and send it to him special delivery. I am a professional male, never been in trouble in my life yet I went looking for OM one night, he pissed on my territory. I, like a crazy man drove trough the neighborhood I was told that he lived in( I didn't know his address)screaming out his name, challenging him to come out and face me. I drove up every street at about 3 miles per hour calling out his first and last name as loud as I could, at least until the police arrived and intercepted me. I was armed. What you did with his best friend would change any man. You need to prove to him you choose him and that you are sorry, really sorry. Give him every password to every email, Facebook, cell phone you have, send a "No Contact Letter". Get yourself into counseling, find out why you gave yourself the approval to cheat on your husband.

[whichwayisup]

DO counseling on your own then. Fix you and affair proof your marriage. Learn boundries, and don't ever allow yourself to become close to another man, other than your husband.

I never knew he could be so full of rage. He's so gentle so much of the time. It hurts so much to see him so angry and know how much he's hurting to make him act that way.

 

His whole world upside down. Double betrayal is MUCH worse than you just cheating and having an A. He not only feels like he can't trust you, but also probably feels like you two made a total fool of him, right under his nose. All that he knew, loved and trusted, let him down. And he lost his best buddy, so that has to hurt as well.

 

There is a chance your marriage may not last. He may feel that it's just too much to forgive and want to continue on being married to you, and since there are no kids involved, he may be weighing his options.

 

Focus on you, bettering yourself and be a complete open book to him, allow him access to your email, cell, give him passwords too so if he feels the urge to check up on you, he can to ease his mind.

 

Marriages take 2-4 years to recover from infidelity as long as both are willing to put in 100% effort to make it work.

[compulsivedancer]

The continued allegiance you are showing to OM is.disturbing. Not only did he lie to your H, hw lied to you about his Long term girlfriend being ok with all this. Does she even know?

 

I don't believe you realistically know how much you've opened up the floodgates in your marriage now. Noone or nothing is off limits in his eyes now: be it sister, cousin, aunt, or friend. He will NEVER want to bring another friend or relative around you if they are a man. And you won't want to bring any female friends around him either because payvack will be in his mind even years from now.

 

I don't usually encourage couples to seperate, but aving lived through the hell of double betrayal and its consequences, you probably will both save further agony and tears by parting ways. Some things just can't be fixed.

She knows. She is an old college friend of H's. He gave OM a day or two to tell her, then called to make sure he had told her.

 

I don't want to give up. I love him so much. It hurts so much to see him in pain. I feel like I'm being ripped apart even thinking about him leaving. I wish I had understood this then. But then, I was ready to leave. We have done a lot of growing and bonding since then and I think it would be 10 times as hard now. I know it's only been five months, but I've had some fundamental shifts in my perception of things.

 

As far as continued loyalty to the OM. I shared a lot with him. I know he's scum, but it's hard to let him go. It's hard to think of him that way, to think of everything we shared as a sham. I know that it was, but wrapping my mind and emotions around it are another thing altogether.

 

I really want this to work (with H), and we have so many better days now. But the bad days seem worse in some ways. He still loves me and he still wants me, but he says he doesn't feel married to me right now. He says he wants R, but when he gets upset at me, he wonders if it's worth it. Today he told me I should go be with OM and take him for granted the way I took H for granted. After all, that's the way OM deserves to be treated.

 

But I don't want to be with OM. I don't love him. My feelings for him are that affair addiction haze that people have. They aren't real. They linger, but they can't hold a candle to what H and I had.

 

There's no way to take it back, and no way to make it go away. I'm just not sure how to go forward.

[whichwayisup]

AliveAgain: We don't have kids. I'm not planning on warning the OM. We have had this discussion. It helps, but it varies depending on his mood. I never knew he could be so full of rage. He's so gentle so much of the time. It hurts so much to see him so angry and know how much he's hurting to make him act that way.

 

When I ask him not to fight OM, I think he sees that as me protecting OM, when for me it's me protecting H. He's already hurting so much, I don't want him to give up more for the satisfaction of the moment. That's what got us into this situation in the first place (me doing that).

 

Many guys have fist fights to rid of anger towards each othre. Yeah it's stupid and wrong, but your H may still one day just punch his exBF in the face. And, I'm betting exBF is expecting it too.

[compulsivedancer]

Is it possible that your husband is just testing you, he could be trying to get you to break no contact with om.

I don't think so. I've struggled a lot with wanting to contact OM, and H knows it. I think the worst of that is past. I don't think H is worried about that any more.

 

But he is obviously upset with my inability to throw OM under the bus. I have been too honest with H about my struggles here. I thought that telling him everything would help him to see where I was coming from and that I wasn't holding anything back. Instead, he is angry and getting angrier. Once again, I am an idiot.

[SoulStorm]

OP, you were screwing another man- his best friend, for crying out loud -behind his back, what would lead you to believe otherwise.

It amazes me sometimes how women are surprised or befuddled by the rage men have when betrayed this way.

Men expect the woman to be mad when they do something of this magnitude.

However I have seen time and time again where women are taken aback by the anger of their spouse or companion.

Yes..you allowing another man to have intercourse with you will do one of two things. Your man may become a wimpering codependent or a raging bull or both. Usually after the shock wears off..EXPECT ANGER.

Edited June 30, 2013 by SoulStorm

[whichwayisup]

I don't think so. I've struggled a lot with wanting to contact OM, and H knows it. I think the worst of that is past. I don't think H is worried about that any more.

 

But he is obviously upset with my inability to throw OM under the bus. I have been too honest with H about my struggles here. I thought that telling him everything would help him to see where I was coming from and that I wasn't holding anything back. Instead, he is angry and getting angrier. Once again, I am an idiot.

 

Get yourself to therapy asap. You need to figure out a way to grieve the loss of what you shared with your exOM during the A and get over him so you can love your husband intimately again and become emotionally attached and involved with him again. You put all your care, love and energy into exOM, and your H knows this, that is another thing that kills him inside.

 

Anger is how he's dealing with it, what he is showing you! Trust me, he is UPSET and devastated inside, though it may be a long while before he shows that side of himself to you again and allows himself to be vunerable around you as well.

[aliveagain]

Your not showing him where your coming from your showing him your still committed to OM. Wake up fast girl, you have one shot at this. Get the sleaze bag that thinks it's OK to bang his best friends wife without the approval of his best friend out of your life and do it right now. You are still in the addiction of OM, your totally in the fog girl and your marriage is about to sail away with you left standing on the dock, the OM is holding you from boarding the boat. HE IS NOT A FRIEND OF YOUR MARRIAGE, your husband is your marriage, you have very little time to prove to your man that you want it to work with him. If he believed you he wouldn't want to fight OM. If you can't let OM go, let your husband go, he deserves a woman in his life that is 100% into him.

[SoulStorm]

She knows. She is an old college friend of H's. He gave OM a day or two to tell her, then called to make sure he had told her.

 

I don't want to give up. I love him so much. It hurts so much to see him in pain. I feel like I'm being ripped apart even thinking about him leaving. I wish I had understood this then. But then, I was ready to leave. We have done a lot of growing and bonding since then and I think it would be 10 times as hard now. I know it's only been five months, but I've had some fundamental shifts in my perception of things.

 

As far as continued loyalty to the OM. I shared a lot with him. I know he's scum, but it's hard to let him go. It's hard to think of him that way, to think of everything we shared as a sham. I know that it was, but wrapping my mind and emotions around it are another thing altogether.

 

I really want this to work (with H), and we have so many better days now. But the bad days seem worse in some ways. He still loves me and he still wants me, but he says he doesn't feel married to me right now. He says he wants R, but when he gets upset at me, he wonders if it's worth it. Today he told me I should go be with OM and take him for granted the way I took H for granted. After all, that's the way OM deserves to be treated.

 

But I don't want to be with OM. I don't love him. My feelings for him are that affair addiction haze that people have. They aren't real. They linger, but they can't hold a candle to what H and I had.

 

There's no way to take it back, and no way to make it go away. I'm just not sure how to go forward.

 

If you don't let him go, your husband will go. You don't really believe he's scum.

You are still carrying a torch for him after all the lies he told you. After he participated with you in betraying the husband you say you love.

I know you feel some remorse, but you are not all the way there yet.

True remorse will change your perspective of the OM completely.

You know in your mind he's scum, yet your heart is saying something different. Your husband doesn't have all of you..he's knows that and that in itself drives his anger.

 

What is a good reason he should stay with you?

Name one.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I can see that this is very emotionally overwhelming for you. Even with you acknowledging your feelings for OM being the "fog", it's still difficult to come to terms with. I can understand that.

 

I agree with some of the posts others are making; like I said in my last post, show your husband that you support him, and maybe he'll cool down and not give into his impulse to go after OM.

 

If and when he does cool down, you need to fully commit to reconciling. I know it's hard to push any residual feelings you have for OM away, but acknowledging those feelings for what they are-not real-goes a long way toward the recovery process.

 

You love your husband, and you want to repair the damage; it's going to take a long time, and a lot of work...but it can be done. As long as you both wish to reconcile, you can make things right. There might always be a scar though, where the wound once was. It's hard to deal with, but sadly, that's the way things are. Just take heart in the fact that even though scars don't go away, they do fade.

 

So, work hard on your marriage, have open and honest talks with your husband, seek counselling if necessary, and with time and dedication, the foundation of your relationship will be strengthened.

 

If recon isn't in the cards...well, you might have to face a painful reality you don't want to face. I hope that won't be the case for you.

[aliveagain]

Girl, if you don't choose one of them soon your going to get them both hurt. Does that thought give you power? Your the problem in all of this, you can end this anytime but your choosing not to, Why?