BS wants to declare war on AP

[compulsivedancer]

Help! My husband wants to beat up my xAP/"declare war." This can only end badly. What can I do?

[compulsivedancer]

Sorry, I was posting from my cell phone and didn't want to go into too much detail.

 

Some background, since I haven't posted much on here:

 

The OM was my H's best friend (since grade school) and the best man at our wedding (7 years ago). My husband is at least as hurt by OM's betrayal as by mine. It's been 5 months since D-Day (What does this stand for, by the way? I can figure it out in context, but I'm not sure what the D means). They decided they would get together and talk after 6 months. So they've set a date to talk at the end of July. Today H texted OM to confirm the date and didn't like OM's response. He said he's going to beat him up when they get together. It's a month away, so I have lots of time to try to talk him out of it (I have tried some, but H says I created this situation and I need to deal with the consequences).

 

OM does not know. I have had NC with him since DDay, and H has told me it's over if I ever contact him.

 

Lately, H is saying that I refuse to badmouth OM. He says that I defend him. I think this is really what is causing all of this. This is so hard. I want to believe that OM is a good person that made some awful choices, because anything I think of OM applies to me as well. I don't mean to defend him, but I feel even more awful whenever I start to think dark thoughts about OM.

[Zoden]

I hate to say it but this guy deserves a beating. I can't even fathom my best friend from grade school doing that to me.

[compulsivedancer]

I know he deserves it. But my H has never been a violent man. That is one of the things that I love so much about him. I don't think he's ever even punched someone. Since DDay, he's had a lot of violent thoughts, but he hasn't acted on them. I am so worried that if he beats up OM, it will change him. More than I already have.

 

My other concern is that the OM knows everything about us. I'm not even sure what all he knows. And he did work on my computer, so he may have even more info than I realize he has. I don't think he is vindictive, but if H declares war, there are so many ways that he could hurt us. And my H is self-employed and depends on his reputation. I am so glad that so far there has been no fallout of this sort. But I'm afraid that if this happens, it will start a cascade of fallout that will never end.

[compulsivedancer]

I hate to say it but this guy deserves a beating. I can't even fathom my best friend from grade school doing that to me.

Zoden, my relationship with my husband, though quite rocky, is starting to heal. But I don't know how he will ever heal from his friend's betrayal. I don't even begin to know how to help him there. When I try to help, I make it worse.

[JustAReformedGirl]

When you unintentionally defend your OM (because whatever applies to him also applies to you), have you explained to your H that's why you feel the need to somewhat defend him? That's it's not just in defense of OM, but of yourself?

 

Sure, you and OM made a bad choice, but I agree that it doesn't make you bad people. People make mistakes; whether the affair was premeditated, or occurred in a moment of passion, only to last quite awhile, it doesn't make you a bad person.

 

It is kind of a pickle though, that you can't at least forewarn OM of the coming storm. I understand why your H feels so betrayed by him, as well as you; it's a double whammy.

 

As far as your relationship with your H goes, I'm assuming since it's been 5 months, you're working on reconciliation? If that's the case...why did your H wait this long to talk to OM? Did he say what OM said to make him so angry?

 

Also, I think D-Day, in the context of affairs being found out, is "Discovery Day", but I still liken it to Dooms Day, considering the emotional windfall that occurs because of it. I'm not sure if anyone thinks of it in terms of interchangeability, or not.

 

I encourage you to sit down with your H, and have an open, honest discussion with him about everything that you're feeling on the matter, and encourage him to open up to you. Reconciling only works if you're both on the same page, and though it's your betrayal that brought this on, he has agreed to working things out (presumably), and needs to understand that he needs to meet you half way, in that regard.

 

But aside from that, I really don't know what else you can do; if his mind is made up, even after he's cooled down some, there's not much you can do. I wouldn't ordinarily encourage further deception, but I think the OM should know if a sh*tstorm is coming his way. However, I doubt there is anyway you can do so, without it blowing up in your face.

 

So, hopefully your husband calms down and thinks rationally, or hopefully your OM has the presence of mind to know that your H being angered to the point of violence is a real possibility, and thus, is on his guard.

[Zoden]

To be honest you need to first separate your actions from his. Thinking that this is some nice guy who made a bad decision because its how you want to look at yourself is not too helpful.

 

You need to own the idea that this guy is a piece of **** and deal with your own decisions separately. I hope you guys are in some kind of counseling. I can't even begin to understand what your H must be going through. I am shocked that he didn't walk out when he found out. What did he do when he found out about this affair?

 

I also can't understand why your H agreed to meet him at all? He actually was thinking of renewing his friendship?

 

I think you need to encourage him to cancel this meeting and never speak to this former friend again. Meeting this scum will NOT help your H get over it imo.

[aliveagain]

You need to stop defending Other Man, he is not a good person when it comes to your marriage. Any best friend, best man that bangs my wife will never ne a friend of mine. How many times did you and he make a mistake, once,5 times, a hundred times? A mistake is turning left one street too soon, planning your meeting, lying about your whereabouts, sneaking around behind his back, putting his penis in you is not a mistake it took planning to get you alone all those times. It would be rape had you not been a willing participant. If you warn OM you will again be choosing other man over your husband and probably kill any chance of reconciliation. You need to attend their meeting or you need third party intervention such as your priest. Someone has to make him believe that it will not go well for your family if he goes to prison.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but you are a real piece of work. You have a sexual affair with your husband's best friend since grade school and the best man at your wedding? This is so sick. You really must have enormous hatred toward your husband to deliberately humiliate him and disrespect him in the worst possible way. You clearly knew having an affair with this man would absolutely destroy your husband. Your husband must believe that you were getting off in some sick way humiliating him this way. How could he not?

 

If the roles were reversed and your husband was having a sexual affair with your best friend and the maid of honor at your wedding behind your back, would you have forgiven your husband like he has you? Hopefully you both have been tested for STD's.

 

It is sad that your husband is displacing his enormous anger toward the OM (but quite understandable) and not aiming it at you where it rightfully belongs. You are a very lucky woman in that most men would never have forgiven what you have done. It says a great deal about your husband that he he still willing to be with someone who did what you did. What were you thinking? How have you shown your remorse?

[JustAReformedGirl]

I am sorry but you are a real piece of work. You have a sexual affair with your husband's best friend since grade school and the best man at your wedding? This is so sick. You really must have enormous hatred toward your husband to deliberately humiliate him and disrespect him in the worst possible way. You clearly knew having an affair with this man would absolutely destroy your husband.

 

If I had to guess, she probably didn't think he would ever know. If she had thought in those terms, I doubt she would have done it.

 

 

If the roles were reversed and your husband was having a sexual affair with your

best friend and the maid of honor at your wedding behind your back, would you

have forgiven your husband like he has you? Hopefully you both have been tested

for STD's.

 

This is a really good point. Again though, I doubt she thought that far ahead. I'm not defending what she's done, to be clear. Just throwing my two-cents into the pot.

 

It is sad that your husband is displacing his enormous anger toward the OM (but quite understandable) and not aiming it at you where it rightfully belongs.

 

Actually, I'd say it rests on both of them, equally. You can't say she's more in the wrong than OM was. What kind of twisted logic is that? They both betrayed her husband equally, since she is his wife, and OM was a childhood friend.

 

 

You are a very lucky woman in that most men would never have forgiven what you have done. It says a great deal about your husband that he he still willing to be with someone who did what you did. What were you thinking? How have you shown your remorse?

 

Oh, good; you've opted to ask her what she was thinking. She may not have been thinking at all the first time it occurred (if it literally happened in the heat of the moment; unclear on that, or how many times followed after). But at least you somewhat ask in the interest of letting her explain herself. The second question is also a good one; I'm assuming she must have shown remorse, or I imagine recon wouldn't be in the process, right now.

 

Please OP, shed some more light on this; I don't say this in criticism, but out of curiosity to better understand the situation.

[HopingAgain]

If your husband does decide to beat OM up, its too bad but completely understandable and well deserved. If you really want to repair your marriage, toss OM out of your mind permanently.

 

Something tells me the gentle husband you once knew is no more. A double betrayal is the worst to heal from. When my Ex WH and Ex best friend did this, it led to a revenge affair and me divorcing him 2 years later. So be prepared, your husbands wrath will probably be on you once he finishes with OM.

[Clemenza]

I know everyone is telling you not to warn the OM because you would be choosing him over your H, but I have a different perspective to offer. If you tell OM, and try your best to talk some sense into your H, you could be saving your H from himself. If you're an adult and you beat someone up, there could be very real consequences. Do you want your H to possibly go to jail? The police and courts don't care if the OM "deserved it" or "had it coming." It would be in your H's best interests not to move forward and act out his violent thoughts.

 

By the way, it bothers me that so many people on this forum are quick to pounce on someone with name calling and shame instead of sticking to the topic. It's not helpful or constructive to tell someone that she's a bad person for having had an A.

[HopingAgain]

I know everyone is telling you not to warn the OM because you would be choosing him over your H, but I have a different perspective to offer. If you tell OM, and try your best to talk some sense into your H, you could be saving your H from himself. If you're an adult and you beat someone up, there could be very real consequences. Do you want your H to possibly go to jail? The police and courts don't care if the OM "deserved it" or "had it coming." It would be in your H's best interests not to move forward and act out his violent thoughts.

 

By the way, it bothers me that so many people on this forum are quick to pounce on someone with name calling and shame instead of sticking to the topic. It's not helpful or constructive to tell someone that she's a bad person for having had an A.

 

Warn OM? After all the damage she/they have already done to the husband? Horrible idea to have any contact with him at all.

[compulsivedancer]

Here's the A story:

 

H and I were discussing an open relationship last summer. I thought we were seriously discussing it (it had been brought up many times over the years, but this time it was a little different), but I guess H was thinking of the whole thing as a thought experiment. He says - I'm still not sure whether this would have been different if he had had a specific girl in mind. We had actually brainstormed possible partners, etc. OM came up as an option, and H agreed that he would be a good option.

 

I mentioned the open relationship idea to OM casually in conversation. I honestly was not making an offer or expecting anything at all. It was just a passing part of the conversation. We often talked about sexual things. I have always been very open about this stuff. In general, not just with him. (I realize now that my relationship with OM at the time was already heading into the danger zone, but I didn't recognize the warning signs. H says that I was very very naive and OM saw that and took advantage of it.)

 

A few days later, OM asked me to consider him if we ever decided to do the open relationship. I immediately told my husband and we began discussing it. In retrospect, it was clear from day 1 that H was leery of the whole thing, but I was very interested and pressured him into the idea. In the meantime, he discussed it twice with OM, and OM and I talked about it frequently.

 

H thought about it for a couple of months. In the meantime, I often visited OM's house to hang out, as we were friends. H trusted me completely, and thought that OM would also put on the brakes if anything started to happen.

 

Instead, OM suggested that we get comfortable with each other, in anticipation of my husband's inevitable decision. I did not believe that my husband would say yes any time soon, but OM was sure that the decision would be made any day now. It started with him putting his arm around me while we watched TV.

 

By the time H finally said no, I was already pretty into the whole thing. Even though I don't think we'd kissed yet, in H's mind we were already cheating at this point. OM said he didn't think we were, but I pretty much realized we were.

 

OM's girlfriend (of 7 years or so) had said yes to the open relationship (so I thought - I later found out this was a lie).

 

By then I pretty much had decided that since H would already consider it cheating, I might as well get something out of it. And I was already getting attached to OM. Obviously, I was in a very selfish place and was only thinking about how this would affect me. I was talking to OM daily through text and seeing him a couple times a week. We progressed until eventually we began sleeping together.

 

All in all, the affair lasted 6 months, though we didn't actually sleep together until the last two months. But we did a lot of other things (including regular sexting) leading up to those last two months.

 

Eventually H got suspicious and looked through my e-mail account. He found a transcript of some texts I had saved and confronted us both. That's the last time I saw OM.

 

Rebel, I'll go back and see whether I missed any of your questions and answer them in another post.

[compulsivedancer]

I know everyone is telling you not to warn the OM because you would be choosing him over your H, but I have a different perspective to offer. If you tell OM, and try your best to talk some sense into your H, you could be saving your H from himself. If you're an adult and you beat someone up, there could be very real consequences. Do you want your H to possibly go to jail? The police and courts don't care if the OM "deserved it" or "had it coming." It would be in your H's best interests not to move forward and act out his violent thoughts.

 

By the way, it bothers me that so many people on this forum are quick to pounce on someone with name calling and shame instead of sticking to the topic. It's not helpful or constructive to tell someone that she's a bad person for having had an A.

Clemenza, part of me welcomes the honest criticism. My friends have been disturbingly compassionate. Part of me wishes someone (other than my husband) would tell me I'm a bad person and I need to get over myself. Honestly, it's refreshing to hear it now and again. (not that I'm inviting that).

[Clemenza]

Warn OM? After all the damage she/they have already done to the husband? Horrible idea to have any contact with him at all.

 

Ok well maybe try her best to talk down her H if warning the OM isn't an option. But we're not in grade school. Beating someone up can have real consequences. If she cares about her H, she probably wouldn't want him to get in trouble with the law. Assault and battery doesn't suddenly become legal if the guy you assault and batter slept with your W.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I agree with Clemenza; it's one thing to offer honest, blunt advice. But the savage verbal attacks are quite unnecessary. Too many overzealous people, who aren't thinking objectively on the matter. Stop projecting your upset over your situations, and stick to the issue at hand. Telling her that she and OM are a POS for something that happened is in no way conducive to the here and now.

 

As I've stated repeatedly in these situations; the WS would hit a damn reset button, were one available. Stop thinking it's your right to rake a complete stranger over the coals for a situation that is not yours.

[Clemenza]

Clemenza, part of me welcomes the honest criticism. My friends have been disturbingly compassionate. Part of me wishes someone (other than my husband) would tell me I'm a bad person and I need to get over myself. Honestly, it's refreshing to hear it now and again. (not that I'm inviting that).

 

Tell me how the heck a person from the Internet can even know if you're a bad person or not. They're just taking what they know about the situation and making assumptions, or even projecting. I think the most we can say is that you made bad choices. Whether you're a bad person or not is something none of us can know.

[compulsivedancer]

I am sorry but you are a real piece of work. You have a sexual affair with your husband's best friend since grade school and the best man at your wedding? This is so sick. You really must have enormous hatred toward your husband to deliberately humiliate him and disrespect him in the worst possible way. You clearly knew having an affair with this man would absolutely destroy your husband. Your husband must believe that you were getting off in some sick way humiliating him this way. How could he not?

 

If the roles were reversed and your husband was having a sexual affair with your best friend and the maid of honor at your wedding behind your back, would you have forgiven your husband like he has you? Hopefully you both have been tested for STD's.

 

It is sad that your husband is displacing his enormous anger toward the OM (but quite understandable) and not aiming it at you where it rightfully belongs. You are a very lucky woman in that most men would never have forgiven what you have done. It says a great deal about your husband that he he still willing to be with someone who did what you did. What were you thinking? How have you shown your remorse?

At the time I wouldn't have cared. As long as it was just sex. That's exactly what we were discussing. Things are a little different now. I'm not sure if I could handle it these days. I'll have to deal with that eventually. H says that, since neither of us had been with someone else, he will need to sleep with someone at some point. I don't really want to get into that whole issue right now, though.

[compulsivedancer]

I agree with Clemenza; it's one thing to offer honest, blunt advice. But the savage verbal attacks are quite unnecessary. Too many overzealous people, who aren't thinking objectively on the matter. Stop projecting your upset over your situations, and stick to the issue at hand. Telling her that she and OM are a POS for something that happened is in no way conducive to the here and now.

 

As I've stated repeatedly in these situations; the WS would hit a damn reset button, were one available. Stop thinking it's your right to rake a complete stranger over the coals for a situation that is not yours.

I wish I could take it all back now, but I was in such a selfish spot at the time that I'm not sure it wouldn't have happened anyway. Even if I had set ground rules with AP and kept our relationship from happening, I think it's a strong possibility that I would have strayed with someone else. That may have been an easier way for it to have happened for H, or it may have been harder (because it's impossible to tell how it would've turned out and what the consequences would've been).

 

Now that I've done it and am having to live daily with the consequences (seeing my husband torn in half on a daily basis, for one!), I could never do it again. But unfortunately, that is not what I was focused on then.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Compulsivedancer: It is easy to see why things wound up going down the course they did. At first, it started as confusion, but once it started and even once it became a clear "no" from your husband, it was already hard to put the brakes on it. I can understand it, and even sympathize. Yes, it was wrong; but it hardly makes you the root of all evil.

 

I can also understand your need to have some criticism on the matter; it shows your character and the remorse you're obviously carrying. I just really don't agree with some of the down-right rude comments that some people have made. Calling you a piece of **** was way out of line.

 

I grow tired of people assuming the worst of others, based on one event in your life. :/ It shows a lack of insight on their part. And they can get as butt hurt as they want about me saying it, but they'll only prove it to be true, if they continue to further project.

[compulsivedancer]

To be honest you need to first separate your actions from his. Thinking that this is some nice guy who made a bad decision because its how you want to look at yourself is not too helpful.

 

You need to own the idea that this guy is a piece of **** and deal with your own decisions separately. I hope you guys are in some kind of counseling. I can't even begin to understand what your H must be going through. I am shocked that he didn't walk out when he found out. What did he do when he found out about this affair?

 

I also can't understand why your H agreed to meet him at all? He actually was thinking of renewing his friendship?

 

I think you need to encourage him to cancel this meeting and never speak to this former friend again. Meeting this scum will NOT help your H get over it imo.

Zoden, my H set up the meeting. I thought that he wanted to discuss the A in more detail with AP. I thought maybe it was his way of addressing his hurt with his friend. Or even of checking up on me and making sure there wasn't anything I was hiding (there isn't). I figured there would be yelling and hurt and upsetness, but I thought he was going to use it as an opportunity to heal, or at least to get some answers. But he's only gotten more and more pissed regarding AP as the time has gone on. I am thinking now, of trying to get him to cancel the meeting.

 

When he found out, he called AP and told him that if he had ever valued their friendship at all, he better come over NOW. AP made him promise he would not hit him before coming over. He texted me repeatedly until I was able to find someone to cover my job so that I could leave.

 

He yelled at the two of us for hours. Afterward, we spent days of talking, yelling, crying etc. It was touch and go for at least a month before he decided he wanted to try reconciliation. Toward the end of March he told me he still wasn't sure if he could stay with me and we spent a bittersweet week reminiscing and saying goodbye while he tried to figure out whether he could continue with the relationship.

 

Right now we are working on R, but there are still times when he wonders if it's worth it.

[HonestNeurotic]

Can you tell his girlfriend? Or have someone else do it? Tell the OM that your H is wanting to "beat him up".

 

Now - as to whether or not he "deserves" to be beaten - it doesn't matter. That's not what people who are good people DO to resolve conflict. I can understand wanting to hurt someone back, even though I don't agree with a lot of what some of the BS's here have posted what they have done or want to do - until it becomes PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.

 

That means that we're no better as society than those where women are stoned to death for adultery even when they didn't even do it.

 

Besides the ramifications of being thrown in jail and maybe getting sued, etc.

 

If your husband is serious - I'd try to get word to the OM somehow, or you're just as culpable. Is your husband going to beat you up too? Jeesh. Sorry for the predicament that you are in.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I would like an explanation about why 'it is hard to put the brakes on it'?

 

I know the morality and honour involved with RIGHT AND WRONG. If something is WRONG, I do not do it. DO NOT. I know affairs are wrong, I know that if I even let myself fall to the level of humanity that partakes in such things, I'd load my sidearm, and put a bullet through my head.

 

Because at that point, I've dishonoured my spouse, my friends, my family and so forth.

 

So please, explain why it's hard to put on the brakes, when she KNEW what she was doing was wrong?

 

I can't explain on her behalf, but I can say this much, as a general overview. For one, keep in mind she believed that her H was okay with the open-relationship idea, and that he had even suggested OM for it. Yes, she and OM jumped the gun a bit, but H did nothing to make her believe that he had changed his mind; not until the line had already been crossed. Once the line is crossed, there is this feeling of A) either having already fallen from grace, which though it is flawed logic, may very well be what went through one's head and B) when deep-seated emotions come into play, it's hard to convince ones' self that what they're doing is wrong. Yes, on a deep level, they know they shouldn't be doing it-but some part of it feels so right.

 

Like I said, I can't speak for every WS, or for any, for that matter. What I have stated is merely just a theory.

[compulsivedancer]

Can you tell his girlfriend? Or have someone else do it? Tell the OM that your H is wanting to "beat him up".

 

Now - as to whether or not he "deserves" to be beaten - it doesn't matter. That's not what people who are good people DO to resolve conflict. I can understand wanting to hurt someone back, even though I don't agree with a lot of what some of the BS's here have posted what they have done or want to do - until it becomes PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.

 

That means that we're no better as society than those where women are stoned to death for adultery even when they didn't even do it.

 

Besides the ramifications of being thrown in jail and maybe getting sued, etc.

 

If your husband is serious - I'd try to get word to the OM somehow, or you're just as culpable. Is your husband going to beat you up too? Jeesh. Sorry for the predicament that you are in.

I don't think he's going to do it. But his tendencies run so violently with regard to OM, that I'm worried that if they meet, he will explode at some point and punch his lights out. I honestly don't think he will, as he refrained on DDay. I'm far more concerned about him declaring war. If this turns into an internet battle, H has far more to lose than OM, and OM is a computer tech, so he has a lot more tools. H and I have discussed this before and he agrees for the most part. But when his temper flares up, he sometimes posts things on FB, which I've asked him repeatedly not to do. It's usually relatively vague, but I worry that he could go farther than that, with unintended consequences.