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Absence makes the heart grows fonder....for the dumpee too?

forgetmenot75

By forgetmenot75
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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forgetmenot75 Established Member

forgetmenot75

Posted
Posted

Hi all,

 

It's been almost 2 weeks of my last and definitive NC.

I've found myself extremely depressive, accepting the reality that I'm not going to see him anymore, ever in my life again.

I've regained some energy the last days, but still:

 

-I dream about him every night

- I still want to see his texts on my phone

- I wake up every morning thinking about him

-During the day I have a lot of stupid triggers: things he said, things he did, remembering his smile, the good times...

- I have this strange feeling I'll never find another person whom I feel so close as I felt with him

-I still have the urge to text him, although I know it's useless.

 

So my question here is, if the hearth grows fonder in absence (sometimes) for the dumper, how's this different in the dumpee??

 

I find myself only remembering the good things, even though I try very hard to replace this thoughts for the bad things, but I usually cannot find any bad thing.

So, the hearth grows fonder in this absence for me. What's the mechanism that goes in the inverse way?

  • Like 1
hotpotato Established Member

hotpotato

Posted
Posted

Two weeks is nothing. You probably wont feel so depressed 2 or 3 months down the line.

 

Absence makes fonder for the dumpee? Not always! I'm at 8 weeks nc, and I'm starting to remember the negative things about my ex. Sure none of them were dealbreakers or had anything to do with why we broke up. Just a few weeks ago I was the same as you-I couldn't think of any of his faults.

 

Several people here have already talked about tape delay. The dumpee feels better in the long run, but the dumper feels worse in the long run. Dumpees have figured out ways to distract themselves (dating other people, partying, drinking, etc) so they dont feel the loss and sadness in the beginning.

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forgetmenot75 Established Member

forgetmenot75

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Posted

"Dumpees have figured out ways to distract themselves (dating other people, partying, drinking, etc) so they dont feel the loss and sadness in the beginning"

 

I guess you wanted to write dumpers, instead of dumpees, right?

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

Posted
Posted

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

 

Such idioms are relative truisms and very dangerous to take with face value. Is it not also true, relatively speaking, that:

 

Out of site, out of mind...

 

Of course it is. Such feelings are typical for the dumpee (or dumper) who has not moved on or who is till too close to the break-up in terms of time. Time does wonders to alleviate such strong feelings and especially if time is accompanied with someone else who has brought some light to one's life.

 

Things will improve over time. The key is to move on and not delude yourself into thinking that there will never be anyone else like your ex. The human experience doesn't enslave us to a single experience or person. There are other great guys out there for you.

  • Like 2
theonlyjuan Established Member

theonlyjuan

Posted
Posted

Depends I guess. I don't know your past with him.

 

I know how you feel though. I have those thoughts about my ex too. I just try and think of positive things or just keep really busy.

I know it's hard to push those thoughts out, I guess it gets easier.

 

Your ex may miss you and feel a bit sad. You might not ever find this out though. He might be the type to never contact you and say, he might not even let anyone know. It doesn't mean he doesn't feel anything

 

I know my ex worries about me and cares about me, but if something was broke or missing I'm not sure it's magically going to fix itself. You broke up for a reason, right?

 

I can come across to people like I'm dealing with everything really well. I can seem happy and positive, when really I am hurting inside a bit.

 

What I'm saying is, he might feel sad about it all and miss you. Like I said, I don't know your history. It doesn't mean he will come back though. You have to accept that he is not coming back. Get it in your brain and tell yourself it a few times a day.

 

If he does come back, then great. If he doesn't then you have at least accepted it and made forward steps

hotpotato Established Member

hotpotato

Posted
Posted
"Dumpees have figured out ways to distract themselves (dating other people, partying, drinking, etc) so they dont feel the loss and sadness in the beginning"

 

I guess you wanted to write dumpers, instead of dumpees, right?

 

Yex, sorry.

aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

Posted
Posted

You need to stop having those "absolute" thoughts. "I'll never, ever see him again", or "I'll never talk to him again". No one knows what tomorrow or next week, next year will bring. I think those thoughts exasperate your feelings of depression.

 

What you do need to focus on is healing yourself. Going NC is step one. Do you need therapy? Are you reading any good books on the subject? Rejection is a part of life. We all go thru it many times in our lives. We can't prevent rejection but WE CAN CONTROL OUR REACTION TO IT.

 

You need to really try and do everything you can to move forward with your healing. It's going to take time. I'm at 4 weeks since the breakup and NC. I feel much better and am dating someone. I still miss the woman I fell in love with but NOT the toxic, angry, selfish, nasty woman of the last 3 months of the relationship.

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forgetmenot75 Established Member

forgetmenot75

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My point here is:

 

If it's true for the dumper to start to miss the dumpee in the long term, because they remember the good times and the things they are now lost (in general, I don't think ALL dumpers miss the dumpees at any point), what's the difference between them and us?

 

What's the internal process that differentiates us from them, so we stop seeing them as we used to?

 

Every day it passes, it seems more difficult in terms of accepting this person is not for us. I think of him now, and I see my perfect match. How to reverse those feelings? It it a product of the absence, of the no contact? Is it because the NC we cannot see their flaws anymore?

athousandquestions Established Member

athousandquestions

Posted
Posted

Everything you're feeling is normal! It's only been 2 weeks. I know that seems like a long time for you, but think of it this way:

It supposedly takes 21 days to MAKE a habit. Right now you're going through 'withdrawal' from him. You can't seem to find a bad thing about him, you can't imagine ever feeling so strongly, etc because you are still hurting from the loss. I don't think that you're necessarily feeling this way because absence has made you love him more, you're just struggling with the fact that things are over. I think everyone does this at first.

 

The fact that you recognize texting him is useless is a good sign. This will prevent you from contacting him. You will eventually see your relationship in a different light, and recognize the bad for what it really is. At the end of the day, you guys are broken up. If it was that great, it wouldn't have ended!

 

What are your triggers like? Like do you think of the fun trip to the beach you two shared and then carry on with your day? Or do you allow that to snowball into a 4 hour hysteria of you crying while lurking his Facebook? Are you actively trying to move on with your life? Etc

athousandquestions Established Member

athousandquestions

Posted
Posted
My point here is:

 

If it's true for the dumper to start to miss the dumpee in the long term, because they remember the good times and the things they are now lost (in general, I don't think ALL dumpers miss the dumpees at any point), what's the difference between them and us?

 

What's the internal process that differentiates us from them, so we stop seeing them as we used to?

 

Every day it passes, it seems more difficult in terms of accepting this person is not for us. I think of him now, and I see my perfect match. How to reverse those feelings? It it a product of the absence, of the no contact? Is it because the NC we cannot see their flaws anymore?

 

The difference for us is that they left us. We miss them immediately, for days, weeks, months or YEARS for some people. But the fact remains that the person we are missing left us.

 

They may have loved you, but they did not love you enough to stay. They may miss you, but not enough for them to seek reconciliation. They may be just miserable without you, but not happy enough with you to want you back.

 

In my opinion the dumper sees our flaws IMMEDIATELY after the breakup. They go through a stage like relief for not being with us. As time goes by these feelings fade (love is stronger than hate, after all!) and after a LONG time they may start to think that our flaws or the relationship problems were not as bad as they seemed.

 

The opposite is true for the dumpee, who immediately misses the relationship and wants to fight for it. But the fact that the dumper doesn't want you back will eventually set in, and this realization is crucial in healing AND in moving on. Because you can't make someone love you. You think of him now and you see your perfect match because you still have feelings for him and you are still hurting. If he was your perfect match he wouldn't have dumped you. He wouldn't have done any of the stuff in your relationship that hurt you or left you feeling upset. You wouldn't have an account here if he was your perfect match.

 

Absence is making you miss him right now, but give it a few more months and absence will have hardened your heart to him and have allowed you to see him for who he really is - someone who didn't care about you enough to stay.Right now you may be unable to see his flaws, but eventually you will see them clearly and the most important one will stare you right in the face. You just need to be active with moving on, hanging out with friends, working out, and making yourself a better person. Accept the fact that what will be, will be.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, good luck :)

  • Like 4
travelonic Established Member

travelonic

Posted
Posted (edited)

If he was your perfect match he wouldn't have dumped you.

 

If he was your perfect match he wouldn't have dumped you. He

 

There is a lot wrong with this logic IMO - and others may be able to attest to this - as it demands a perfect world, where **** is linear, straightforward, and not full of twists, turns, and not at the whim of the complex psychological nature of human beings.

 

The fact that people have broken up and gotten together again and stayed together [regardless of the rarity of the situation, whatever it may be] - is enough to prove this false, as it is a situation that occurs in direct contradiction to the proposition that this cliche creates.

 

[and frankly, I wish - as a result of the logical errors it creates - the cliches would die in a fire, but that's just me being hyperanalytical. :p ]

Edited by travelonic
aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

Posted
Posted
My point here is:

 

If it's true for the dumper to start to miss the dumpee in the long term, because they remember the good times and the things they are now lost (in general, I don't think ALL dumpers miss the dumpees at any point), what's the difference between them and us?

 

?[/b]

 

A couple of things are important to point out here. In most cases, a dumper hasn't been happy in the relationship for a period of time before actually do the dumping. This provides them time to emotionally check out of the relationship much earlier than the dumpee who's shocked and surprised once dumped.

 

The dumpee often times was asleep at the wheel and wasn't paying attention to the signals or signs that the dumper was checking out or losing interest in the relationship. They stop spending so much time w/you, pick more stupid fights, sex is rarer, don't call or text as much, not as affectionate, etc.. The signs were there but most have their head in the sand and are then SHOCKED when the end the relationship.

 

I've ended all but my last relationship. In all cases, I was so RELIEVED after telling them it was over. I hadn't been happy for weeks or more before ending it. i can tell you that I also didn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about them afterwords either. I know that sounds cold but when you're not in love w/them anymore, you're focused on yourself and your own happiness. I was never mean but was firm that it was over.. period. I never got back together with them in a relationship either. One I hooked up with for sex off and on for a period of a year or two but she knew it was just sex and i didn't feel there would be reconciliation and she was ok with it.

 

I know there's cases where a dumper dumps and then reconciles with the dumpee and they get back together. I went after and got my ex back the first two times she dumped me but it was never the same. I never trusted her commitment to me or the relationship. I knew she'd run during the next argument or fight. Each time we got back together, the new honeymoon phases was shorter and shorter. She also felt like she could get away with poor behavior since I kept chasing her. My point is, these relationships once broken rarely last any length of time after a reconciliation.

athousandquestions Established Member

athousandquestions

Posted
Posted
There is a lot wrong with this logic IMO - and others may be able to attest to this - as it demands a perfect world, where **** is linear, straightforward, and not full of twists, turns, and not at the whim of the complex psychological nature of human beings.

 

The fact that people have broken up and gotten together again and stayed together [regardless of the rarity of the situation, whatever it may be] - is enough to prove this false, as it is a situation that occurs in direct contradiction to the proposition that this cliche creates.

 

[and frankly, I wish - as a result of the logical errors it creates - the cliches would die in a fire, but that's just me being hyperanalytical. :p ]

 

 

I think you should focus more on the word 'perfect'. That's WHY I'm using the word. Because if your relationship WAS perfect (as we often think it was, right after we have been dumped and still have on our rose-coloured glasses) it wouldn't have ended.

 

That doesn't mean you can't get back together and work things out. I'm just saying that it was not "perfect". I totally agree that life is NOT linear and human nature is a lot more complex than that.

 

What I meant was more that when the relationship ends the dumpee first thinks "****, that was perfect and what am I gonna do? they were the ONE." But as time goes by, we realize that we can feel that way again and so on and so forth because we realize that the relationship wasn't perfect (no relationship is, but its accepting this that is important!!).

Whereas the dumper thinks "Thank God I don't need to listen to them complain about how much they hate my mother and, my god they were a bad cook." for the first little while, and then suddenly realizes that while maybe your cooking sucks, you really were a great listener and you smelled really good (and so on and so forth).

 

 

I guess what I mean is that in an ideal world, if someone was so perfect for you they would not have hurt you like that. That doesn't necessarily mean they aren't "the one" or any of that cliche stuff. But even if you got back together, one of the keys to having a successful reconciliation is starting over, fresh, with a new relationship. So even if you rekindled your romance and ended up married after having broken up for a year or two first, your original relationship would be gone. And thus your original relationship would NOT have been perfect, but maybe your new one would be.

groupergirl Member

groupergirl

Posted
Posted
The difference for us is that they left us. We miss them immediately, for days, weeks, months or YEARS for some people. But the fact remains that the person we are missing left us.

 

They may have loved you, but they did not love you enough to stay. They may miss you, but not enough for them to seek reconciliation. They may be just miserable without you, but not happy enough with you to want you back.

 

In my opinion the dumper sees our flaws IMMEDIATELY after the breakup. They go through a stage like relief for not being with us. As time goes by these feelings fade (love is stronger than hate, after all!) and after a LONG time they may start to think that our flaws or the relationship problems were not as bad as they seemed.

 

The opposite is true for the dumpee, who immediately misses the relationship and wants to fight for it. But the fact that the dumper doesn't want you back will eventually set in, and this realization is crucial in healing AND in moving on. Because you can't make someone love you. You think of him now and you see your perfect match because you still have feelings for him and you are still hurting. If he was your perfect match he wouldn't have dumped you. He wouldn't have done any of the stuff in your relationship that hurt you or left you feeling upset. You wouldn't have an account here if he was your perfect match.

 

Absence is making you miss him right now, but give it a few more months and absence will have hardened your heart to him and have allowed you to see him for who he really is - someone who didn't care about you enough to stay.Right now you may be unable to see his flaws, but eventually you will see them clearly and the most important one will stare you right in the face. You just need to be active with moving on, hanging out with friends, working out, and making yourself a better person. Accept the fact that what will be, will be.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, good luck :)

 

Thank you, If the Whatever dumped me and what does not miss me - how does that make me feel.

 

Well guess what, I was dumped, I was sad and hurt and angry. He does not want me. That is the Truth. If a man loves you, he will be with you - not someone else. I AM NOW OK, I THINK. I kinda now like myself whereas before I did not.

 

FROM THE DUMPEE - I am now free. I will be OK.....I will be just fine. I think I am ok, I will be just fine. I am still hurt but it is getting better. Much better!!!!!!

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