Emotional affairs

[whocaresnow]

Hi..I've been married for 18 years 15 of those happily. My wife was a stay at home mom while our 2 kids were in elementary school. She is quite computer savvy and I always respected that of her until the internet came between our marriage. She began spending ridiculous amounts of time on chat sites and strange forums etc.

 

I bit my tongue about it for quite some time but no longer could as I would get home from work and the house was not being kept clean,kids were looking for supper,no laundry done and the list goes on.I am not a demanding husband by any means but this going on for weeks on end really started to piss me off.For sure the day came when I caught her talking to one of her cyber guy friends(complete strangers) and I felt my heart break when she was sharing way to much info with these dudes.

 

She was even making some of the stuff up that she was feeding these morons as I know they were too dahhh lol. But man this **** isn't funny. She has a compulsive personality when it comes to a lot of things and when this mixes with the internet it can be toxic(at least in my opinion). This has been nearly 3 years now and I just can't seem to let it go. She did confess to a certain degree but still spends a lot of time online.

 

To my knowledge she has been staying away from her previous habits but I am still having so much trouble trusting her.Everyday it eats at me when I am at work and she is home.Thank god she is working some now and that gives me some peace of mind as she has little access to computers where she works. Every time I tried to talk to her about this she would get really into defence mode and I just needed to know why.

 

We had a good life before this crap of hers happened.When I see her sitting at our computer(even now)it makes me sick. I've taken counselling ,talked to my doc,best friend and still can't come to terms with this hurt.I don't know how to let this go and move on with our marriage.

 

I love her dearly and would do anything to make this pain go away..There's lots more info but that's enough for now...its hard to even type about this stuff..Thanks for now.

Edited June 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[whocaresnow]

Someone please help me.

[underwater2010]

Does she let you look at everything....her emails/facebook etc? Have you suggested MC to her?

 

My husband pulled this crap. The funny thing is as that while I have forgiven him 80%, he said he would not have been able to forgive me if the roles were reversed.

[carhill]

What's your most exigent and compelling fear?

 

IME, within that fear lies your answer.

[TobyBoy]

Do you really want to know how deep the rabbit hole goes? Put a keylogger in the home PC. Get the truth. Hell, she might not be doing anything inappropriate.

If she is, gather the evidence and confront. Do not reveal your sources. If she fails to comply, expose her a$$.

[whocaresnow]

Thanks a lot for your responses guys. Underwater she shares none of that with me.She could just make up new fake ones anyway.We do now share a facebook account that I am never on but at least I can keep an eye on that one.Marriage counselling was out of the question for her but I had to go for some myself. It helped a bit but still don't trust her.. She did ask for forgiveness and I replied to her that I forgave her shortly after this crap happened because if I hadn't one of us would be leaving this household..I feel that it is more of a trust issue for me and without that in a marriage there is nothing. She is so stubborn in opening up to me its awful.Idont want to feel this way the rest of my life.How can I let her know that this still eats at me without her head starting to spin! She could detect a keylogger I know it.

[Bryanp]

I suggest that you tell her that unless she starts opening up to you then you will not have a desire to remain in the marriage. Apparently there were simply no consequences to her actions. You have allowed her everything to remain the same without consequences and unfortunately she probably now sees you as a doormat so why should she change?

[whocaresnow]

I am totally starting to agree with that but she now thinks bygones are bygones and doesn't realize that it is going to take me a long time to get over this and I need more info and understanding to why she did this. I know she is naive but hey give me a break. I have given her no reason whatsoever for any of this bulls***. I don't drink ,do drugs, gamble, or even go out. I've done housework,cooked meals,laundry, maintenance on the house(inside and out),done my share of raising our kids,kept a job and many other things to do my share in this marriage.Sometimes I think I spoiled her myself and now it haunts me.

[whocaresnow]

One night she came home from work,I had supper waiting for her and within 2 minutes she had a laptop and desktop turned on and didn't even look at her meal. I said are you serious. She got mad and stamped off. Well that episode got me 3 nights on the couch,no meals for 3 days,no laundry done,no talking and even told my13 year old son that she might leave the house for the night. WOW I can't believe that I feel that I've been punished for something that she did wrong..Unreal...

[jnj express]

What are you scared of-----either you are gonna be in a mge---or you ain't---same for her

 

You cannot control her---you can only control you------BUT------you certainly do not have to live in a mge, where you wife loves her computer---MORE THAN YOU AND THE KIDS

 

You can destroy the computers----you can threaten D----or file for D----but you gotta do something

 

stop complaining to us---and fight for your mge------you do not need one bit of advice from anyone---YOU HAVE KNOWN FROM THE BEGINNING WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE

 

What is your wife gonna do---leave the mge, I doubt it---but if she does---then I guess you know where you stand

 

Time to draw your line in the sand!!!!!!!!!

[whocaresnow]

Thanks to everyone for hearing me out.Now I guess its time to get my head out of the sand. Good-bye...

[Bryanp]

She clearly has no respect for you and treats you like trash. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

I suggest that you see an attorney to understand your options and empower yourself. From her perspective why should she respect you since you accept all of this garbage from her. If the roles were reversed would she accept all of this disrespect from you? Enough is enough!

[whocaresnow]

Thanks for the last 2 comments guys. I've let this crap go on for too long and because of that its gonna be harder to do but I've got to do it for myself and family. Trouble is its been a couple of years since she got caught doing this and I should have jumped all over it then. I honestly can say I didn't because of my kids and maybe that's wrong. She has been much better around the computer since then but it still is the first thing on her mind whether it be on work projects,facebook,e-mail,etc. Any reason to get on it to her seems legit. It's got to be a compulsion of hers and I just can't seem to get that across to her. It's going to be really hard but it's time I took some control of this situation and give her an ultimatum. Nothing else has worked and it can no longer be such a priority of hers for our marriage to work. I am tired of feeling this way and it's time to start the wheels turning so I can get back to my old self as it seems she's not willing to help me. She thinks it's been dealt with and it's time to move on. DON'T THINK SO!!! By the way I'm not up to date on all the abbreviations that I'm seeing on everyone's great posts.Could someone please fill me in.Thanks...Time to start the beginning of the end possibly.It' now ME time...

[carhill]

OP, here's a link to definitions of some of the 'shorthand' you'll encounter on LS

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand