Suzanka Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 I have been dating a man for 9 months. We have become best friends but for me there is also this intense physical attraction. We have a fantastic sex life. I told him that I loved him. He responded by saying that he wasn't ready to say the same. That he is slowly getting to that point. He proceeded to tell me that he wasn't attracted to me initially whatsoever. Now though he is finding me more and more attractive. He was concerned about our age difference. I am 5 years older and past the age of being able to bear a child. He decided that he could live with that. He feels that he is falling in love with me and that more and more "sparks" are igniting daily. He though wants to take it very slowly unlike past relationships where he passionately fell in love but never became friends first. It hurt me a great deal to think that we have this great sex life yet he doesn't find me that attractive. I am bothered by the fact that I am feeling such intense feelings yet he is not even close to that point. Yet he says that he is committed and is hoping that this will grow into more. I am afraid of the risks involved with staying it may end up being the love of a lifetime or he may decide that there are just not enough sparks. We both have full custody of one child. I am quite close to his son. He commented that he wouldn't let me be such a big part of his life if he didn't feel there was a future. Do I stay or leave?
Merin Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 Wow... Well, I would imagine that hurt a lot to hear... I don't know what I would do with that information.... I do think that sometimes you may not have an "instant" attraction for someone, but then once you get to know them as a person can become attracted to them... however chemistry... I don't know that is something that can be learned or nurtured I can also understand your fear in staying in the relationship.. but know as well that there can be a great deal of passion or attraction between 2 people and they still can't make it work.. which is to say that this doesn't necessarily mean this situation is a "deal breaker" Only you really know if this relationship is worth staying in... I wish you the best no matter what you decide. Wish I had more to offer, sorry.
winnieloveshunny Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 I think you should stay. He proceeded to tell me that he wasn't attracted to me initially whatsoever. Now though he is finding me more and more attractive. It is possible that you find a person more attractive as the days go by. At least that was how I felt about my boyfriend at first. When I first met him, he was fixing his motorbike with his friend. How attractive can a man be in singlet, shorts, slippers, and thick-framed spectacles? I thought he looked fat too. Our first few conversations on the phone was not bad... well ok. Then when I went out with him for the first time, I thought I had met the wrong person. He looked so much different with the spectacles gone and after dressing up a bit. My eyes must be seeing things at night when I thought he was fat because he was actually quite muscular. But anyway, I was not really attracted to him during our first few dates too. The feeling kind of "grew". My point is, do not worry about him not being attracted to you initially. What matters now is NOW and not the PAST. He is attracted to you now so don't worry too much. Isn't it better for him to find you more attractive now that he has known you better than for him to find you attractive initially but not as much as before after knowing you? He was concerned about our age difference. I am 5 years older and past the age of being able to bear a child. He decided that he could live with that. Which aspect of the age difference is he concerned about? The level of maturity of the two of you or is it just due to the numbers or that he usually date ladies who are younger than him? Frankly speaking 5 years is not a huge gap at all, especially for people who are people who are already out in the working society. Both of you even have each of your own child. This man said he is falling in love with you, he is committed to you, you are quite close to his son and that he wouldn't let you be such a big part of his life if he didn't feel there was a future. I think it sounds quite positive to me. He probably just want to take things slowly. It is worth staying.
arcadia Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 definitely do not let it get to you. i am on the same end as your boyfriend in this situation and my relationship without a doubt is the best of i have ever had. I was best friends with my boyfriend before we became a couple. I wasn't attracted to him AT ALL when we met. i never thought in a million years there would be chemistry between us. But just as beautiful people can become ugly when you see how much their personality sucks, his personality is so wonderful that i found myself irresistably drawn to him physically too. While i probably would never tell him that i didnt find him attractive when i met him, i don't think that there is anything wrong with that feeling. I used to think that all those people that say personality is way more important and looks dont matter were full of crap... but they weren't. It is just that a person's personality can make them beautiful to you. and i really believe those relationships are stronger. Everyone's looks go when they get older. You don't want to be in a superficial relationship and have that person decide to leave you for someone better looking. Him being with you despite his initial attractions is a sign that he really cares about you as a person and that he will stick with you.
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