Inner struggle---NC or fight for ex?

[McGriff]

No problem. I had to talk myself off the same ledge today. With my ex coming back into the picture, I am not initiating any contact. I figure that is the only way I will truly know; he has to really want to be together badly enough to initiate contact with me and ask to see me. I figure it's also the only way he will know himself. I'm letting him wrestle with his feelings, and it's got to be his choice. He knows exactly where I stand, so there is no need for me to tell him. And if he thinks it might have changed, let him wonder. Let him feel a little pain for once.

 

Try to think of this when you want to contact your ex. She knows how you feel and that you want a commitment. My ex knows the same thing. Stating it again really does more damage. I think, when you force them to contact you, it has a good effect. They realize that they do want to be with you, or they don't. They have wrestled with the feelings, they have struggled, but they have ultimately made the decision.

 

If our exes really want to be with us, they know where we stand. If they don't ever come back, they are not the people for us. It's just that simple; they did not love us like we loved them. It's one of the most hurtful feelings in life, but everyone has been there. So don't contact her under any circumstance. It's the only way to see if she is serious or not. Stranger things have happened, and she might show up again. But don't wait around for her.

 

BC,

 

My ex has never had problems initiating. She's been breadcrumbing me to death for a couple months, although I haven't heard from her in a week now. I am glad that I put it all out there, she definitely knows where I stand, so the ball is in her court. I haven't initiated anything in like 6 weeks, but everything she sends is meaningless "how are you" type of crap. I was thinking about it today, and my gut tells me I won't hear from her for awhile, if ever. The last text she sent me a week ago was "hey stranger danger" and then a follow to which I didn't answer, and I know she's getting fed up with me ignoring her. But the ego strokes are over and done with (wish I'd stopped answering a long time ago), but I'm much stronger now than I was then. I've had no problems getting dates since the BU, so that really helped my confidence and self esteem. I know she dated a guy briefly for like 3 weeks and he cheated on her (haha, sorry but that makes me laugh), so she's not had any luck on her own. We'll see what happens from here on out.

 

As for your situation, I think you are doing the right thing. Definitely let him chase you for awhile and fish out his motives. After all, he's the one who ended it right?

[BC1980]

Yes, he ended it. Kinda sorta. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me. I said, it's been 3 years, you should know by now. By the way, this is after he talked for an entire year about how much he wanted to marry me and even went so far as to initiate buying me an engagement ring. But when it comes down to it, he ended it.

 

I don't know yet if these are just breadcrumbs. It's up in the air. Now, he's trying to rewrite history and act like he needs a few more months to figure his feelings out. Huh. Well, don't expect me to be waiting in the wings. I'm moving forward, and he is playing catch up it seems. About time if you ask me.

 

I think you have definitely laid the cards out for your ex. I would not be surprised if she showed back up. She just sounds unpredictable. It sounds like both of our exes are pieces of work:-)

[McGriff]

Yeah, my ex is definitely a piece of work. She didn't act anything like this when we were together. Just goes to show, you really don't know a person until things go sideways.

[sprucegoose]

If you initiate reconciliation and she decides to give it another try, you'll never feel at ease with her decision. What if it's because she was lonely or felt like she couldn't find anyone better? You'll never trust her reasons and that's a bad way to start off reconciliation. Until she initiates reconciliation, you shouldn't trust/act on any of her breadcrumbs.

[IS IT Better late]

McGriff,

 

We're two peas of the same pod. I'm at a crossroads with my situation as well. Except I went in a different direction.

 

I actually spoke with this girl on the phone for the first time in months. Up until this point it's been all through texting.

 

We had a long interesting convo which she gave me some insight into her thinking. She went so far to say that she didn't "dump me". Well what is called when someone tells you they don't want a relationship with you? Silly girl!

 

She has expressed some regret but not nearly anything significant and did not appoligize at all. Plus some of her reasoning was weak at best. So of course I still don't feel great about her rationale.

 

My feelings for this girl are just as strong as the feelings you have for yours. They both seem to operate in similar fashion.

 

I don't know where this goes for me or you. Or how this ends. But I'm tired of it as I'm sure you are.

 

I've started to date also but nothing has been able to overpower the feelings I still have for her.

 

I'm going to continue monitor your progress. And see how your path works out as I'm sure our outcomes will be similar as these girls seem to think a like.

 

BTW how does the private message work on here? Maybe we could share more info and ideas?

[aloneinaz]

Yeah, my ex is definitely a piece of work. She didn't act anything like this when we were together. Just goes to show, you really don't know a person until things go sideways.

 

I find that you get to know the TRUE person once you get deeper in the relationship 6+ months to see the true person. Everyone is on their best behavior for the first few months. It's only when the honeymoon phase ends that people show their true Character.

 

I saw hints of my ex's true colors during the first few months. She'd play stupid text, phone games, hold grudges, etc. I'd challenge her on this and she'd always get pissed and deny it. My favorite early grudge story is-

 

We were together for a couple of months. I was to go to her house Friday night. I got home from work late and innocently feel asleep on the couch. I didn't hear her calling me. She sent me a couple of texts and tried to call. She was PISSED. She said she showered, did her hair, make up, was excited to see me.

 

I called and apologized all over myself the next day. I was expecting to go over there that night (Saturday) and she let me know she wasn't feeling well and just wanted to relax by herself..

 

Yea Psycho, you don't hold grudges... After we broke up and got back together for these reasons, she admitted I was right and she did play this stupid games, hold grudges, etc..

 

Trust your instincts.. If you see red flags early on... RUN!

[McGriff]

McGriff,

 

We're two peas of the same pod. I'm at a crossroads with my situation as well. Except I went in a different direction.

 

I actually spoke with this girl on the phone for the first time in months. Up until this point it's been all through texting.

 

We had a long interesting convo which she gave me some insight into her thinking. She went so far to say that she didn't "dump me". Well what is called when someone tells you they don't want a relationship with you? Silly girl!

 

She has expressed some regret but not nearly anything significant and did not appoligize at all. Plus some of her reasoning was weak at best. So of course I still don't feel great about her rationale.

 

My feelings for this girl are just as strong as the feelings you have for yours. They both seem to operate in similar fashion.

 

I don't know where this goes for me or you. Or how this ends. But I'm tired of it as I'm sure you are.

 

I've started to date also but nothing has been able to overpower the feelings I still have for her.

 

I'm going to continue monitor your progress. And see how your path works out as I'm sure our outcomes will be similar as these girls seem to think a like.

 

BTW how does the private message work on here? Maybe we could share more info and ideas?

 

 

Check your messages

[eotdevice]

Similar situation here. After being married for 15 years got divorced and started a more serious relationship with someone I had known since childhood. Everything we great for 2 years. Her kid met mine, went on vacations together, were really bonding and having fun. Then all of a sudden she stops contacting me. Asks for her key back, no time for dates. After a month of that she meets me for dinner and asks me to "sweep her off her feet" and date her again. Meanwhile we dated all the time leading up to this. We bounced along for another month until I ended it. Didn't want to, but she did a 180 on me. She had done the same with past relationships too.

 

I went NC but after a few weeks I contacted her, but no responses. I poured my heart out to her and she came back that I broke up with her, and she wouldn't fight for me. 8 months later and I STILL thought about her daily. I have dated and met some nice women, but not one that clicked. However within the last month I started dating someone new and she IS different. There is a connection and the hurt is starting to fade from the ex. At this point my future is looking better. Better than it has for a long time.

 

So my advice is you told her how you felt about her; before, during and after the breakup. Unless she really shows you she wants you back, don't contact her. And by showing you she wants you means, coming to see you with hat in hand and a lot of ass kissing and apologies. Otherwise, keep fishing.

 

eotdevice

[BustedUpInside]

I don't know why you have to choose between fighting for your ex or maintaining contact. Why not both?

 

What I mean to say is that you wouldn't want to make a rash decision because you have been carefully protecting your feelings and healing your heart for a number of months now and wouldn't want to undo all that hard work.

 

If you and your ex are really meant to be in a relationship again, then it can wait another couple of months, right? If you continue with NC and living your life for 90 days, and then revisit this topic and still feel like you should be making contact and trying to re-establish the relationship, then it might actually be time to do something about it.

 

I am just saying that you don't have to choose right now. Just keep doing what you are doing (it has been working so far) until you can really see clearly what the right decision should be.

 

Good luck! I hope whatever way you go, it works out how you want and you are happy

[HuffmanMontana]

There is nothing to fight for. This isn't the movies.

 

She is leaving breadcrumbs because she wants you to break down and come back begging to pump up her ego and further validate you're not man enough for her.

[OrangeSnack]

I seriously hope you don't fight for her. You've done the fighting and if she truly has feelings for you, she will start doing the fighting.

 

You are better off without her.

 

I thought the whole NC thing was a game at first but it's not. It's a healing process. It's a phase where you dig deep within your soul and feelings to find out who you truly are. It also gives you a better understanding of the opposite sex.

 

Keep up the NC. I'm on my 3rd week and I am loving it so far. Trust me, I wake up every morning thinking of her and leaving work thinking of her (during our breadcrumb convos). But thinking back, I looked so desperate. I wanted an answer and I felt like the carrot was within reach.

Edited July 2, 2013 by OrangeSnack

[mtnbiker3000]

I thought the whole NC thing was a game at first but it's not. It's a healing process. It's a phase where you dig deep within your soul and feelings to find out who you truly are. It also gives you a better understanding of the opposite sex.

 

Couldn't agree more. I am taking this opportunity to really get granular in my psyche, and I'm discovering some pretty crazy stuff. Mostly from how I was brought up during my elementary school years. The book, "Toxic Parents" can be a good read and it may inform you of things you didn't even know were going on inside, as it did for me

Edited July 2, 2013 by mtnbiker3000

[IS IT Better late]

McGriff I sent you a PM.