McGriff Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Some of you know my story. 5.5 month relationship, BU 4 months ago. She's been sending breadcrumbs the last 2 months. The last one was a week ago. I think she's starting to get the message that I'm moving on. Here's my problem: I'm still deeply in love with her. I still think about her everyday. She's the first thing on my mind in the morning, and the last thing on my mind at night. I've been in NC for almost a month now, despite her breadcrumbs. But that's the thing, they're just breadcrumbs. She reaches out with "hey stranger" or "how's life" kind of texts, and two weeks ago she called and left a message wanting to go to lunch, which I've ignored all of them. I know she thinks about me, but I came to the conclusion a month ago that's she's just stringing me along, wanting ego strokes. Truth is, I would go back to her in a heartbeat. But I feel like I've come too far to take back steps at this point. I've really lived my life the last two months. Dated people, slept with people, gone on vacations, had great times with friends. My little black book has filled up with names and numbers, but SHE is always there. Always at least in the back of my mind, wishing that we were together for the good times. Anyways, I feel like there's two ways I can go from here. I can continue NC, try to move on and heal, knowing that I have AT LEAST a couple more months til I get to some level of indifference. Or I can fight for the woman I love. And by fighting, I don't mean, begging, pleading and all the lame crap that people do. I mean flirting, establishing communication, hanging out, playing hard to get, and doing the things I did when I first started dating her. It would require alot of patience (something I struggle with), but in the end, whether I succeed or fail, at least I know I tried. As I sit here this beautiful morning, listening to the birds chirping, I know that she is wondering about me just like I am her. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I just don't want to make a mistake at this point. I know ultimately, I must follow my intuition, but I really feel like I'm at a fork in the road of my life. One road leads to moving on, the other leads to ???. What do you think? Should I maintain the NC, and suffocate any hope of us, or should I fight for the woman I love, possibly winning her back or suffering a while longer?
aloneinaz Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 She broke up with you, told you she doesn't want to be your lover or friend anymore and wants to find someone else. She hasn't in 4 months been direct with you and told you she misses you, she made a mistake and wants you back. Why on earth do you think if you contact her again, stroking her ego, making her feel like she can still wrap you around her little finger, she'll THEN be interested in getting back together again? You logic is faulty at best. I'm too proud to give me ex the satisfaction of me contacting her again. She'll NEVER hear from me again. You don't want me in your life, f-you! You'll get what you're asking for. You've done all the right things in going NC, ignoring her curiosity texts and calls. Again, she doesn't want to be back w/you or SHE'D be telling you this. You will get over her. When you ask? When you meet someone you like just as much or even more than her. It's just the way our weird brains work. Once you do, she'll only be an occasional thought in your head that you'll be indifferent too. 1
Author McGriff Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Alone, Thanks man. The thing is, she has told me she missed me and loved me. I know they are just words though, not really backed up by actions, unless you wanna call the breadcrumbs actions. I don't know, probably just having one of those days of missing her and it will pass.
youcanever Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Some of you know my story. 5.5 month relationship, BU 4 months ago. She's been sending breadcrumbs the last 2 months. The last one was a week ago. I think she's starting to get the message that I'm moving on. Here's my problem: I'm still deeply in love with her. I still think about her everyday. She's the first thing on my mind in the morning, and the last thing on my mind at night. I've been in NC for almost a month now, despite her breadcrumbs. But that's the thing, they're just breadcrumbs. She reaches out with "hey stranger" or "how's life" kind of texts, and two weeks ago she called and left a message wanting to go to lunch, which I've ignored all of them. I know she thinks about me, but I came to the conclusion a month ago that's she's just stringing me along, wanting ego strokes. Truth is, I would go back to her in a heartbeat. But I feel like I've come too far to take back steps at this point. I've really lived my life the last two months. Dated people, slept with people, gone on vacations, had great times with friends. My little black book has filled up with names and numbers, but SHE is always there. Always at least in the back of my mind, wishing that we were together for the good times. Anyways, I feel like there's two ways I can go from here. I can continue NC, try to move on and heal, knowing that I have AT LEAST a couple more months til I get to some level of indifference. Or I can fight for the woman I love. And by fighting, I don't mean, begging, pleading and all the lame crap that people do. I mean flirting, establishing communication, hanging out, playing hard to get, and doing the things I did when I first started dating her. It would require alot of patience (something I struggle with), but in the end, whether I succeed or fail, at least I know I tried. As I sit here this beautiful morning, listening to the birds chirping, I know that she is wondering about me just like I am her. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I just don't want to make a mistake at this point. I know ultimately, I must follow my intuition, but I really feel like I'm at a fork in the road of my life. One road leads to moving on, the other leads to ???. What do you think? Should I maintain the NC, and suffocate any hope of us, or should I fight for the woman I love, possibly winning her back or suffering a while longer? I am like you man. We all open these threads to get some validation and hear what we want to hear. And sometimes we want to hear what we want but we know it is not good. Noone in this thread will tell you to fight for her. You know it but still open this thread. I do the same thing. We sometimes need some advice even though we know what that advice is. So, if you are sure she is not in love with you and it is only breadcrumps.. Just go on with NC. Best of luck. 2
sprucegoose Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Keep up NC. You seem to be off to a good start. Why would you want to waste all your efforts for breadcrumbs? I think it's messed up to say she still loves you and do nothing about it. Clearly she knows that's what you want to hear, but you know it only hurts you more. Why break NC for someone who does that to you?
Author McGriff Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Spruce, That's the whole thing. I know she loves me and misses me, as we had nothing but good times. I talked to her sister about 8 weeks ago, and she said her sister was "scared". That things were really good, and that it freaked her out. Well, that really confused me, combined with her breadcrumbs. Sometimes I think that she is waiting for me to initiate things again, and I've kinda half-stepped in the past, just feeling her out when we were together, but not really wanting to put myself out there too much for fear of getting hurt all over again. I did lay it out in a text, but the breadcrumbs continued. I'm just really confused.
KPChick000 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Hi Mcgriff, I think you're just having one of those days. You laid it all out in that long message you sent to her, stating that you cannot and do not want to be just friends, right? She knows how you feel and didn't come back to you. And she continued with the breadcrumbs in spite of your request. I understand how you feel about wanting to fight for her, because I feel the same way sometimes, but we have to face reality. And the reality is: they would come back if they truly wanted to. And if it really takes us all this effort and fighting to make them want to come back, is that the love from them we ultimately want and deserve? 1
na49 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 What exactly has changed since the last time you two hung out? Didn't you give it a try already and it didn't go the way you planned? Why do you expect a different result this time?
Author McGriff Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Na49, Yeah she came over that day and we hung out for like 6 hours. I could tell she didn't want to leave. The thing is, on that day, I didn't make any moves, I wanted her to because she is the one who broke up. So I don't know what would have happened had I taken the initiative. Other than that, nothing's changed. I think as the previous poster said, I'm just having "one of those days". I went out last night with a girl, and once again, no connection on my part. It's getting old. I was thinking about the ex pretty much the whole time. Obviously I'm not ready for dating. But I have to keep at it. Also, I'm sitting in this empty house (kids are with their mom for a couple weeks) and all this quiet time sends my mind into "what could be". I know that's not where I need to be. Can't help my feelings though---I miss her! Just really sucks.
Jono85 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 "things were getting so good that she got scared and got out" this is ridiculous. I don't care what anyone says, that wasn't the reason. to believe something like that is foolish at best. people say lots of things because they do care about other people and don't want them to hurt. sort of like all the breadcrumbs you've been getting, same deal. she dumped you. you say you don't want to plead and beg like those lame people, but playing games and hard to get, and re-attracting her slowly like you did in the beginning, is equally as lame imo. why? b/c it's fake. you were going out for almost 6 months already and from the sounds of it you guys were both open about loving eachother. so now that she's tossed all those goodtimes to the curb along with you and her week's trash, you want to gear up and act like it never phased you and you'll just start over etc etc? I don't think that's what defines a real man. I see that BS on pickup sites and how to win your ex back sites "yeah wait 3 months, re-initiate contact like life is golden and you're just seeing what's up, act like the man you were when you met, etc etc". It's all BS. you're not the man you were when you met, you both were in an exclusive committed loving relationship and you thought you could trust her. well that's all gone now. re-engaging and pretending like she didn't just throw you in the garbage is, imo, compromising your pride and dignity. she doesn't deserve that. you move on. it's her loss. never try to win your ex back when your ex didn't want you anymore. if she wants to take those steps to try and win you back, maybe consider it if she seems really genuine and deeply regretful of her stupid actions. but none of that has transpired here. you're just not wanting to deal with the long grind it is to heal from getting dumped by the one you love. 4
Author McGriff Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Jono, You are absolutely right in everything you said, and appreciate your reasoning. Yeah, the "scared" thing was BS to me too, but I'm still confused as to really WHY she broke it up. Especially since she's been sending BC's ever since. But again, you're right, and I appreciate the focus. Sometimes, your mind begins to wander where it doesn't need to be, and that's why I love this board. I am doing fine in all other areas of my life. My career is growing, I am on goal with savings, I've been working out and am in the best shape in years. It's just my love life. I'm a relationship guy. Was married for 14 years, and I absolutely love to be in a relationship with someone I click with. It's the best. I'm trying my hardest to enjoy being single, and I've had some really fun times, but overall, I much prefer to be in a committed relationship. Just haven't met anyone who I connect with, and I'm wondering if that has to do with my feelings for the ex.
Jono85 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Jono, You are absolutely right in everything you said, and appreciate your reasoning. Yeah, the "scared" thing was BS to me too, but I'm still confused as to really WHY she broke it up. Especially since she's been sending BC's ever since. But again, you're right, and I appreciate the focus. Sometimes, your mind begins to wander where it doesn't need to be, and that's why I love this board. I am doing fine in all other areas of my life. My career is growing, I am on goal with savings, I've been working out and am in the best shape in years. It's just my love life. I'm a relationship guy. Was married for 14 years, and I absolutely love to be in a relationship with someone I click with. It's the best. I'm trying my hardest to enjoy being single, and I've had some really fun times, but overall, I much prefer to be in a committed relationship. Just haven't met anyone who I connect with, and I'm wondering if that has to do with my feelings for the ex. i'm sure it does have something to do with your ex. i'm a year out now, almost 6 months NC, and I still haven't tried to seriously date. I've had a few hookups, and a couple of crushes, but I shut down pretty quick when I realized that I wasn't prepared for the healthy mindset you need to start a healthy relationship. I don't directly attribute that to being hung up on my ex at all, but more so my insecurities in my life and with myself that my ex leaving brought to the forefront. so for ME, it's taken lots of time and self-development. someone who might be more confident with where they are in life, such as yourself, it might not take nearly as long, who knows. but the thing to take away here is we're just human. sometimes as men we seem to take on all kinds of pressures to not get phased by things. your example, as well as the pickup/win your ex back sites are a testament to this, as we're instructed to pretend like everything's ok even though inside everything's not okay. there's no greater pain imo than losing someone you really love b/c they simply wanted out. I haven't experienced a love of my life dying, so this is probably extremely ignorant to say, but I struggle to see how it could be more painful given the result is the same (they're gone from your life) yet with a breakup you know it was their choice and they're out there finding happiness elsewhere. so take your time. she did hurt you, a lot. you don't have to show her that pain, but like I said, don't compromise your pride and self-worth by faking it and "re-gaming" her. she's the one who tossed you, and didn't think it was worth it anymore. f*ck her. the last thing she deserves is you showing her she's still worth any effort at all. it's a long grind though, like I said i'm a year post BU. it's hell at times, but as cliché as it may be, it really does get better if you follow through with NC (no social media stalking too!! huge imo..) and improving your life. it sounds like you're on a good track with regards to your life, but just continue to keep her cut out. don't reward her for what she did, as much as you just want to talk again like old times etc. good luck. 1
frostythesnowman Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Alone, Thanks man. The thing is, she has told me she missed me and loved me. I know they are just words though, not really backed up by actions, unless you wanna call the breadcrumbs actions. I don't know, probably just having one of those days of missing her and it will pass. When I was earlier on post breakup myself, I was in a very similar situation. I could have either continued to try moving on, or continued to try fighting for my ex in the exact same way you mentioned (starting from the beginning, flirting, hanging out, etc). She was telling me she missed me, she still loved me. So I chose the latter. And here I am over two years post break up, after a bunch of on and offs, having given in to so many breadcrumbs, finally moving on (or doing my best). I don't really know your whole story, but for reference I wish I had continued to try moving on at the early stages of my breakup. It only hurt me in the long run, and while my story is probably different, I regret continuing my attempts to try and start over with her. Its all up to you, but I think you would be better off moving on. The way I've been thinking about it is if it didn't work out the first time, it just isn't meant to be. There is no use in beating a dead horse. We just need to move on with our lives, and like mentioned above, try and find someone else who it will work out with. 1
mutant Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Always remember that there are valid reasons why you should not get back with her. Nothing will change in that relationship and you will only set yourself up for more heartache. Also accept that you will always be thinking about her everyday even if you are seeing someone else. Getting over an ex is a roller-coaster ride not a linear progression, and there is no timeline for that. Appreciate that you made the correct decision here. Please don't try to date someone else until you are ready for it, and don't stay n your house twiddling your fingers, get out there and be involved in activities/hobbies you like. 1
destroyed4sho Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I think that you can try to give it another go...but from your previous posts I think you have tried everything so far and nothing has changed. You wrote her a letter telling her how much you loved her. She knows EXACTLY how you feel about her, do not doubt that. If she wanted to she would make the move by fully apologizing and expressing regret. She knows she has you at her fingertips and anytime she gives you the green light you will be there wagging your tail, so to speak. Is this who you want to be? I think you are worth more than that. And even if this happens....you still wouldn't feel the same about her. There will always be a trust issue, resentment and an insecurity that she will dump you again. It seems that you have some momentum going with dating and being social and I think you should keep this going. Eventually your heart will open and you will be able to love someone special and more awesome than her. On the other hand, if you feel you need to do this because you feel you will regret it in another life, well than do it. Be prepared for another rejection. Maybe hitting rock bottom will help you heal faster. 1
Author McGriff Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 I think that you can try to give it another go...but from your previous posts I think you have tried everything so far and nothing has changed. You wrote her a letter telling her how much you loved her. She knows EXACTLY how you feel about her, do not doubt that. If she wanted to she would make the move by fully apologizing and expressing regret. She knows she has you at her fingertips and anytime she gives you the green light you will be there wagging your tail, so to speak. Is this who you want to be? I think you are worth more than that. And even if this happens....you still wouldn't feel the same about her. There will always be a trust issue, resentment and an insecurity that she will dump you again. It seems that you have some momentum going with dating and being social and I think you should keep this going. Eventually your heart will open and you will be able to love someone special and more awesome than her. On the other hand, if you feel you need to do this because you feel you will regret it in another life, well than do it. Be prepared for another rejection. Maybe hitting rock bottom will help you heal faster. Destroyed, I'm not so sure she knows she has me at her fingertips anymore. I mean, she's texted and called me to no avail, I ignored her birthday, and have generally gone off the grid with her. If roles were reversed I would hardly think I had her at my fingertips. I can't really explain what happened in this relationship and how we became so unsynced. It's frustrating really. I'm not a game player, and NC is about as gamey as it gets for me. I would much rather just have feelings out on the table (as per my letter I wrote her). I'm one for communication---if she calls or texts or vice versa, I answer and say what needs to be said. But it's become this game of "hide your feelings", being mysterious, protecting feelings, and hinting and leading on. I'm just sick of it. I woke up this morning missing her terribly, but I've also been able to think out loud and really look at this whole thing objectively. Thanks to all the posters who've commented, it really helps to get an outside perspective on the situation. 1
destroyed4sho Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I meant that if she would give you the greenlight that she wanted you back for sure, you would accept. I also put my feelings out on the table in the past with my ex. It was dismissed, ignored like I had never even said, wrote or texted any of it. She changed the subject. Why? Because she knew how much I loved her already and she still made the decision to break up with me. I don't think it is ever wrong to express feelings. But your feelings have already been expressed. The ball is in her court and she knows this. If she really wanted you back, she KNOWS she has to throw you a little bit more than a breadcrumb. Dumpees sometimes feel that dumpers do not KNOW something/their missing something and if they only KNEW this one thing their feelings would change and there would be this big 360..Really, dumpers know exactly how the dumpee feels about them because they have been contemplating the BU for a while, weighing pros and cons. 1
mutant Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 But it's become this game of "hide your feelings", being mysterious, protecting feelings, and hinting and leading on. I'm just sick of it. I woke up this morning missing her terribly, but I've also been able to think out loud and really look at this whole thing objectively. Thanks to all the posters who've commented, it really helps to get an outside perspective on the situation. Don't think about all this NC stuff as a game, it's a tactful way of getting away from a bread-crumbing ex and prevents you from slipping back into an unhealthy relationship. I know you are aware of this- it's just a reminder Sometimes I do dream about the Ex and wake up missing her and then become angry at myself for dreaming about it . I do miss and think of the EX daily and I have come to accept this. However, I always counter that by reminding myself why we should not get back together.
Author McGriff Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 I meant that if she would give you the greenlight that she wanted you back for sure, you would accept. I also put my feelings out on the table in the past with my ex. It was dismissed, ignored like I had never even said, wrote or texted any of it. She changed the subject. Why? Because she knew how much I loved her already and she still made the decision to break up with me. I don't think it is ever wrong to express feelings. But your feelings have already been expressed. The ball is in her court and she knows this. If she really wanted you back, she KNOWS she has to throw you a little bit more than a breadcrumb. Dumpees sometimes feel that dumpers do not KNOW something/their missing something and if they only KNEW this one thing their feelings would change and there would be this big 360..Really, dumpers know exactly how the dumpee feels about them because they have been contemplating the BU for a while, weighing pros and cons. Destroyed, Yeah, she knows how I feel about her, because she's said so on a couple of occasions. So you're right, balls in her court, and I will continue to ignore breadcrumbs, although I think she may be done sending them. I'm really beginning to realize how little I understand about women. I know that's clichè, but they seem to zig when expect them to zag and vice versa. Oh well, it's gonna be hard for her to find a guy who loves her like I did, accepted her child like did, and treated her like I did. She'll probably go find some douchebag who treats her like sh*t and chase him around for a couple years. It's crazy.
BC1980 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 This woman really is a mystery to me. I would not keep contacting my ex if I were the dumper, and I knew he wanted to get back together. I think that's cruel if she doesn't want to be with you. I don't understand the motive at all. My ex recently started contacting me after 6 weeks of no contact, and I know he would stop if I requested. I'm not ready to te him to get lost just yet. I get where you are coming from. My ex is saying all kinds of cryptic things, so it's confusing. Some days, I'm ready to tell him to go away, and some days I have hope. I can think of several motives for my ex, but yours is confusing. Don't have much insight as to her motives, but she might be keeping you around in case she wants to go back one day. Just a thought. 2
Author McGriff Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 BC1980, Thanks for your validation! Seriously, my ex is as confusing as they come. It's funny, because I was at her family's house last Xmas, and her mom said something really cryptic to me that day. She said "so you haven't seen the crazy side of (her name) yet?" I said no, and then her brothers started laughing. I can't help but think that was some sort of foreshadowing. It's kinda funny now looking back on it. But anyway, back to your point---there's a lot that doesn't make sense, but I just have to chalk it up as inexplicable and move along. Or maybe that "crazy" her mom warned me about.
aloneinaz Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 BC1980, Thanks for your validation! Seriously, my ex is as confusing as they come. It's funny, because I was at her family's house last Xmas, and her mom said something really cryptic to me that day. She said "so you haven't seen the crazy side of (her name) yet?" I said no, and then her brothers started laughing. I can't help but think that was some sort of foreshadowing. It's kinda funny now looking back on it. But anyway, back to your point---there's a lot that doesn't make sense, but I just have to chalk it up as inexplicable and move along. Or maybe that "crazy" her mom warned me about. You're on the right path. Ignore her when she sends her little "I'm still on your mind" breadcrumbs. She's just being a selfish ass when she sends texts like that, especially when she knows how you feel about her still. Don't get her the satisfaction of a reply. What would you do if she called or texted you and said she wanted to try again? Would you? How would you trust her that she wouldn't dump you again? My ex dumped me 3 times. The first two times we got back together, she said she made a HUGE mistake and would never dump me again. Two more times she dumped me w/the last being her final mistake. Keep dating. You have to try on lot of shoes to find a pair that fits. Live in that moment of each date. I don't think of my ex at all when I'm on a date. I want to focus on who I'm with. You keep mentioning that your not finding anyone you connect with SO FAR on these dates. At least you're going on these dates vs sitting at home pining over someone who didn't want you in her life. Keep goign on them, you'll find someone again who rocks your world. 1
Author McGriff Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 Just wanted to thank the posters who talked me off the ledge from possibly doing something dumb. Just had a moment of weakness, but now that I've thought it through, it would be idiotic and disrespectful to myself to reach out to her. She doesn't deserve it, and there's nothing to reach out for anyways. I'm headed out to a friend of mines house for drinks, watch a fight, and meet some ladies he's having over. Cheers to everyone, and thanks again! 3
Simon Phoenix Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 If you are writing this kind of post, you shouldn't be talking to her, which I think you realize. I say keep up the NC, keep moving forward and get to the point of indifference. If you can get there and still want to see her, then evaluate from there. But right now you would get trounced.
BC1980 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Just wanted to thank the posters who talked me off the ledge from possibly doing something dumb. Just had a moment of weakness, but now that I've thought it through, it would be idiotic and disrespectful to myself to reach out to her. She doesn't deserve it, and there's nothing to reach out for anyways. I'm headed out to a friend of mines house for drinks, watch a fight, and meet some ladies he's having over. Cheers to everyone, and thanks again! No problem. I had to talk myself off the same ledge today. With my ex coming back into the picture, I am not initiating any contact. I figure that is the only way I will truly know; he has to really want to be together badly enough to initiate contact with me and ask to see me. I figure it's also the only way he will know himself. I'm letting him wrestle with his feelings, and it's got to be his choice. He knows exactly where I stand, so there is no need for me to tell him. And if he thinks it might have changed, let him wonder. Let him feel a little pain for once. Try to think of this when you want to contact your ex. She knows how you feel and that you want a commitment. My ex knows the same thing. Stating it again really does more damage. I think, when you force them to contact you, it has a good effect. They realize that they do want to be with you, or they don't. They have wrestled with the feelings, they have struggled, but they have ultimately made the decision. If our exes really want to be with us, they know where we stand. If they don't ever come back, they are not the people for us. It's just that simple; they did not love us like we loved them. It's one of the most hurtful feelings in life, but everyone has been there. So don't contact her under any circumstance. It's the only way to see if she is serious or not. Stranger things have happened, and she might show up again. But don't wait around for her.
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