30 days post break up and NC. What I've learned.

[aloneinaz]

As a short reminder, I was with a women for 1.4 years. Things were great until she let her hair down and got comfortable at 8-9 months in. This is when we started to not get along and broke up too many times during the remaining months. I discovered this woman was toxic. Extreme Type A, controlling, manipulative, temper, anger, grudge holding, moody, no one meets her expectations, etc. She knew she had these problems and went to therapy. We also went to couple therapy during the last try. She wasn't able to change or didn't want to. I saw there were these huge red flags (no friends, family wasn't close to her) and she was always confrontational w/people who challenged her. Despite all these issues, I still loved her and her kids. I made excuses for her poor behavior to friends and family and went back to her too many times which only made her think she could be even more of an ass and be able to get away with it.

 

The last two months of the toxic relationship were littered w/her being stressed out, overwhelmed with her job, life and kids. I tried to help as much as I could but she was still quick to anger, be short, snappy and un-pleasant. I drove home many times wondering why I couldn't tell her to go f-herself and end the abuse. On a normal night at her home after dinner, she again got short, snappy and rude. I told her it was getting old and led into a conversation where she said she was done. I said ok, I'd get my stuff in the next day or two and left. Since then, NC and let me say, it works. I do see her on a dating site (that I can't delete her profile from) but that's it.

 

So- here's a timeline of my first 4 weeks post break up-

 

Week one- Lots of pain, anxiety, insomnia, no appetite and shock that we had broken up yet again. Waking up in the middle of the night or morning and having strong waves of sadness/anxiety that it was over.

 

Week two- more of the same but the strong hurt/pain waves were not as strong. I had periods where I could eat normally again but other days where i just wasn't hungry.

 

Week three- Sleeping a little better but still not 100%. Appetite improving overall. Seem to be accepting better that it's over though I'd still have thoughts that she'd call, apologize for her terrible behavior, tell me she was in intense psycho therapy and ask for another shot. I started to date after two weeks. I found this a nice distraction to thinking about her. I've meet some nice women and slept w/a couple of them. I've been seeing one gal for the past 10 days off/on. This does REALLY help me.

 

Week four- the pain and hurt continues to ease. I think the shock of the ending of the relationship has also eased. I still miss her kids a lot and think about all that I did for her the last two months that wasn't appreciated, just expected. At four weeks NC, I still have burning in my mind how unpleasant she was during these last two months. I remind myself how many times I'd leave her house at the end of the night and come home asking myself 'what's wrong with you that you are staying with such a nasty, un-happy with herself/life woman. She ran EVERYBODY down who crossed her, annoyed her or pissed her off.

 

So, in summary, it's gets easier as time goes by. I do miss the woman I first met and had such amazing chemistry and connection with from date one. I remind myself that this wasn't really her, it was her (in her words) on her best behavior. She told me that she hid her real personality until 8-9 months in. Nice. Ironically her husband cheated on her at the end of their lousy marriage. She complained that he never spent time w/her or their kids. Gosh, hard to imagine why. I feel I'm 70% over it and acceptance is the key to moving on. I still have thoughts about her realizing what an a-hole she was to a guy that wanted to make it work with her but I doubt she's capable of that. She was an emotional bully, a toxic, negative person who will never find happiness until she can be happy with herself.

[Still Searching]

I guess I feel like responding here, because you've replied to some of my posts, and we can relate, somewhat.

 

With my ex for 14 months, and similarly, she seemed great for the first many months. She moved quickly, talked of moving in together within 3 months (neither of us has ever lived with a s/o before), often talked of rings, kids, the whole works. This was a bit overwhelming at first, because I wanted to take things slower, well aware of the honeymoon phase and the fact that people's true colors start to show later on. She was a heck of a sales person, claiming she'd do anything for me, simply because she loved me. Truth be told, this was complete BS. She'd told me what she needed in a relationship, and I did my best to give her all of it (her and her previous ex broke up because he never spent time with her). I made her feel like a priority, my "number one", always, and it didn't bother me a bit.

 

Within the first few months, she got extremely drunk one night, and made a huge scene. There was no rationalizing with a drunk person, and I suggested we just go to bed and talk in the morning. She hastily called it off right then and there, and I wasn't going to argue at that point. I called the next morning to make sure she was ok, as she'd called "a friend" for a ride (we were up at the lake, and hour from home). She tells me her ex b/f came and got her, but that she didn't stay at his house. Long story short, she lied for a week straight before I got her to admit she stayed by him, but that nothing happened (that part I do believe). Foolishly, I tried to make it work again.

 

She pulled the on/off crap a few more times, the first time resulting in her coming back within 3 days. The second time, I let her be for a week or two, foolishly wished her a happy valentine's day, and we were back together. This last time, she said she just doesn't have patience, and doesn't know if I'm "the one". She questions whether or not she'd be ready to move in together, things like that.

 

Due to her coming/going, and her lie early on, I had obvious trust issues. I went to counseling in attempts to tackle these issues, and like I said, did everything I could to better myself and the relationship to see her happy. Looking back, she never did anything she said she would, never asked what I needed, and when I told her, simply said, "I'm sorry" with no actions to change things. Her family guilts her a lot, telling her she's changed, because she doesn't come around as much. Let's see, she's 24 years old, has a real job in another town, and a b/f who actually does stuff with her now. She's growing up, has a life of her own moreso these days. Regardless, she never stood up for me/us, and simply said, "I'm just not confrontational."

 

I don't know where I am going with this rant, but I can relate in that I miss the girl I fell in love with, or at least the girl I thought she was. As time has gone on, she's revealed herself to be selfish, inconsiderate, unwilling to live her own life without friends/family dictating her every move, and generally just too immature to really grasp what a serious relationship takes. She has the mentality that she does nothing wrong, and she isn't the one with a single issue or thing she could change/improve upon.

 

Anyway, I'm at day 2 NC, and it's promising to see how you progressed over one month. I only hope I find myself somewhat in the same boat as time goes on...

[lovesux1]

I think your timeline is spot on for me too. after 17 days NC im beginning to accept that my relationship is over

[smileyz]

it's been 6 weeks for me and I had a similar relationship with a real bitch..drunk all day..double standards..making me look the fool in front of kids and her friends..never stood up for me..not one drop of effort on her part...I spent 3 years with this nasty woman..I miss her kids but what remains are just all the things she ever did that sucked..I still want to contact her (well I need to get my motorcycles back) and talk...I still love her and I think if she stopped the drinking and drugs I'd see the same woman I fell in love with..

I don't mean to hijack but your timeline is about the same as mine!..for the first 2 weeks I slept for about 1 hour every night from 5-6am.

I thought I'd have outgrown heartache by now.

[aloneinaz]

I'm about 5 1/2 weeks in now. For the newbies, trust me, it does get easier. The real sharp pain and hurt eases. Your sleeping will return and your appetite as well. Do I still think about the ex? Yes, but her legacy w/me is of a selfish, vendictive, grudge holding, quick tempered, double standard, manipulative, un-happy with her life, un-appreciative BITCH. I can't share how it makes me smile to know we broke up for the final time due to her not liking me telling her I was tiring of the way she talked to me when she was stressed/annoyed or tired.

 

The other things that make me happpy are knowing she hasn't heard ONE word from me since.. It was typically me going back after her after our previous break ups. There's nothing to go back to her for. I wasn't happy the last few months either and if I had any balls, I would of ended it myself. No one will put up with her BS after the honeymoon phase ends and she shows her true colors and personality.

 

One thing I can't stress enought- is how much dating has helped me finally move on away from this toxic woman. If I hadn't started dating again, I have no doubt I would have gotten lonely and stupidly contacted her again. I started dating again after 2 weeks or so. I knew I would never go back w/this woman so I did not want to sit around for weeks/months thinking about this broken relationship. It's been a nice distraction and helps put into perspective that there are MILLIONS of women out there looking for love too. I have a bunch of dates, dated a few times and slept with a few as well. I don't think of my ex at all during the dates or the sex. In fact, some of the women I've slept with BLEW MY EX away in the bedroom. I've been seeing on girl now for a few dates that I met last weekend. I really like her alot. I hope I don't blow it and can keep seeing her. We had the best chemistry since my ex and I get REAL excited when I'm going to see her. She came over last night and I couldn't wait to hug her. I guess this is a sign that the ex is getting smaller in the rear view mirror.

 

I still at times have a moment where I go "we're really over this time". There's still a lingering "habit" there of her being in my life after 1.4 years together but it eases everyday. I still REALLY miss her kids too. But, at the end of the day, she told me she didn't want me in her life anymore. So, she's getting what she wished for.

[flitzanu]

keep on rockin, az. it's good to see the change in you.

[mtnbiker3000]

Glad to hear of your success. I do want to make one point as I have read about your RS several times now. We have disagreed about the good in dating quickly after a BU, how long one should wait, healthy vs. unhealthy, etc. The one theme I have noticed in your posts is how toxic your RS was. How crazy your ex was and how much anguish she caused you. Now, if my ex was anything like that, I would totally agree that getting back on the horse quickly and regularly would be the best method of recovery. The thing is, for myself, and I'm sure many, many others on LS, our ex's were nothing like this. Were they perfect? Were our RS's perfect? Of course not. But they were normal, sane, caring people who for whatever reason ended the RS. No cheating, no screaming, no abuse, no controlling, no terrible behavior, no break then reconcile then break again.

 

So, I guess you are kind of lucky in a way, because this allowed you to move to the state you are in now 'relatively' quickly and easily. Others here on LS are taking our time, as our BU's were not as easy to process. Not easy to get mad at the ex and move on to indifference so quickly. It takes time to deal with the fact that they wanted out for other reasons and are generally good people who we miss very dearly. In these kinds of situations, I think that healing and waiting for weeks or months before dating again is totally normal and quite necessary. Even if it is a casual thing with no expectations. Grieving and waiting for a while is just something that has to be done. It's like trying to eat a piece of apple pie right after Thanksgiving Diner. You want to but you just can't right away. Unless the Turkey was lousy and you didn't eat very much. My Turkey was delicious

 

Again, congrats on your speedy recovery!!

Edited July 10, 2013 by mtnbiker3000

[Talulah]

[so, I guess you are kind of lucky in a way, because this allowed you to move to the state you are in now 'relatively' quickly and easily. Others here on LS are taking our time, as our BU's were not as easy to process. Not easy to get mad at the ex and move on to indifference so quickly. It takes time to deal with the fact that they wanted out for other reasons and are generally good people who we miss very dearly. In these kinds of situations, I think that healing and waiting for weeks or months before dating again is totally normal and quite necessary. Even if it is a casual thing with no expectations. Grieving and waiting for a while is just something that has to be done. It's like trying to eat a piece of apple pie right after Thanksgiving Diner. You want to but you just can't right away. Unless the Turkey was lousy and you didn't eat very much. My Turkey was delicious

 

Again, congrats on your speedy recovery!!

 

SO true. I had no problem moving on from exe's who were just plain mean and nasty. But it's hard to move on from someone who is a good and caring person. Mine tried in the end to be mean to me but I saw that it was very difficult for him. He even told me once when I asked him for something looked at me and said "I can't say no when you look at me with those puppy eyes." I was not aware that the puppy eyes had such an effect on him . But in a way, I'm glad that I finally date a nice guy, we are just going on different life paths right now. I miss him a ton though.

[aloneinaz]

Glad to hear of your success. I do want to make one point as I have read about your RS several times now. We have disagreed about the good in dating quickly after a BU, how long one should wait, healthy vs. unhealthy, etc. The one theme I have noticed in your posts is how toxic your RS was. How crazy your ex was and how much anguish she caused you. Now, if my ex was anything like that, I would totally agree that getting back on the horse quickly and regularly would be the best method of recovery. The thing is, for myself, and I'm sure many, many others on LS, our ex's were nothing like this. Were they perfect? Were our RS's perfect? Of course not. But they were normal, sane, caring people who for whatever reason ended the RS. No cheating, no screaming, no abuse, no controlling, no terrible behavior, no break then reconcile then break again.

 

So, I guess you are kind of lucky in a way, because this allowed you to move to the state you are in now 'relatively' quickly and easily. Others here on LS are taking our time, as our BU's were not as easy to process. Not easy to get mad at the ex and move on to indifference so quickly. It takes time to deal with the fact that they wanted out for other reasons and are generally good people who we miss very dearly. In these kinds of situations, I think that healing and waiting for weeks or months before dating again is totally normal and quite necessary. Even if it is a casual thing with no expectations. Grieving and waiting for a while is just something that has to be done. It's like trying to eat a piece of apple pie right after Thanksgiving Diner. You want to but you just can't right away. Unless the Turkey was lousy and you didn't eat very much. My Turkey was delicious

 

Again, congrats on your speedy recovery!!

 

MB, I know we've not agreed on this subject of when to date or not to date after a break up. I'll clarify that I REALLY loved this woman. She was my first deep love since my divorce. This is why I stayed and went back after break up after break up. I was also honest in saying I hurt like hell the first two weeks after the final break up due to being in so much shock that she'd actually broke up with me again, despite couple therapy, her telling me how much she loved me and wouldn't do it again, despite all that I did for her the last few months. It still F'ing hurt.

 

I just think it's in our hands how we want to process, grieve and mourn a failed relationship. I've read all over the internet as to when it's appropriate to start dating after a relationship ends. Most say when you're ready. Most say to not mourn for months and months.. How does being lonely, having no one in your life, day after day, week after week, month after month help you heal and move on w/you life? What else do you have but to think about you ex.. It doesn't help, plain and simple. Yes, some need to take time for the major pain to go away but at some point you have to say "I need to move on, I need and deserve someone in my life".. Whether she was the perfect girl friend or a toxic bitch, they still dumped you and told you they didn't want you in their life anymore. That's when we have to say "FU then", there's others out there that WILL appreciate me and I'm going to find him/her. I willing to risk further rejection in my search. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying I'd be a lonely, miserable person right now, 5 plus weeks since the end and NC if I wasn't dating. I REALLY like this new girl too. Better looking, better body, and seems more stable than the ex. It should give everyone hope that there are others out there that we can like more than the people who rejected us.