Nyu Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I feel a bit unhappy with my "relationship" or whatever this is. I will try to make this as succinct as possible. I have been in this relationship for a little over three years. When I first met my man, it was through a friend actually years before around 2006. He was incredibly shy, didn't say much of anything, and I didn't think he was attracted to me or anything. He left for the military. He came back and was very aggressive with his advances towards me. Flirtatious and persistent! It caught me off guard. So we started kinda dating back in 2010, but he seemed to not want to commit fully at that time. He was pretty emotionally distant as well which made me feel that maybe he was only interested in me superficially. I regret it in the sense I compromised what I wanted, which was a committed relationship. At the same time, it may as well have been committed because from what I gather, he didn't really date anyone else. I did however learn through our mutual friend about him having mood swings or isolating himself. I knew he was a bit introverted but I thought he became more outgoing. I later learned he had PTSD. Eventually I grew tired of being in limbo, feeling like he was avoiding being really intimate with me. Admittedly, I felt that the relationship was more sexual. He always insisted otherwise and stated that I was actually closer to him than anyone else, which I had a hard time believing at the time. I dated someone else and thought that I moved on. That lasted just a few months and after breaking up, I got back together with him. Even though we were *careful* and used birth control, I got pregnant in the beginning of 2012. He did not change much for a while. Still not being there completely emotionally but at the same time making it seem as if he needed me. Then he took baby steps. He started visiting a little more, but certainly not as much as I would like. It also took him very long to bond with the baby. We have become closer as a family now, but when I see how other fathers are with their babies, it breaks my heart. I also forgot to mention earlier, but I learned just how social he really is. His best friend even complained about not seeing him for months, so I know it wasn't a lie about him spending more time with me than even his most closest friends. I also ran into someone who was asking what happened to him, and this was also a friend he used to hang out with regularly. I am not sure how to take all of that. At this point, he helps financially with the baby and sees her here and there but I still feel like a single mother. He has yet to change a diaper and never really helps with physical care, just financial. When it comes to us, now he shares more with me about his life and feelings but he has no interest in sex with me suddenly. I find it strange since we got closer, I would think physical intimacy would continue or even increase. Before he was very sexual with me and now he claims he just doesn't feel the urge to have sex. At first, it made me concerned that maybe he is getting sex from someone else because it seems strange for his libido to suddenly drop. He has also changed the way he talks about me. Saying that I am not sexy, I am more of a "cute" type of woman. I already don't feel as attractive after having the baby so that one kinda stings. Saying compliments sometimes which would lead me to believe he cares for me, but I don't feel it. He also said that he will start saving money so that we can get a home together. This would lead me to believe that our relationship is becoming more serious. But he is still not here with me now. It is really pushing my faith in him and his word. His distance makes me feel like for all I know there could be another woman or it could be all talk, and no true future. Likewise I feel concern that he won't be there enough for his daughter since he barely spends time with her now. Would that change if we live together? Or would he find some other way to be distant? Advice is welcome please:( Sorry this is so long.
BradJacobs Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 So he was distant before? He's distant now? And you're wondering if he's going to be distant in the future? The magic 8-ball says "Concentrate and ask again". P.S. Unless you're married you are a single mother, which is why you feel like one.
Author Nyu Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 I know, I know. I sound like an idiot. Especially when put so plainly. It is just that he has become closer and more involved in some ways, which gives me hope. And has talked about living together. That's why I wonder if the trend will continue with him gradually becoming more and more available. Especially if we live together.... I know it is not likely. I just really don't want to move on.
pyramid Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Is he in treatment for his PTSD? There are two relationships here. First is his relationship with you. You cannot be in a relationship with his POTENTIAL - you have to accept the reality of who he is now. If that reality is not what is healthy for YOU then you need to move on. I know this is easier said than done. Remember that YOU are the most important person in this relationship. The second relationship is his with his daughter. This will exist in some form regardless of whether the two of you are together. Do you feel comfortable with him taking care of her when you are not around? Then go to court, get paternity established and an official visitation schedule. If he does not want visitation, then his child support will be higher (in CA it's calculated based on visitation percentage). I realize this isn't ideal, but at least it might help you have a babysitter so give you a break from the physical care.
Author Nyu Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 No, he isn't in treatment. He said something about how talking just made him angry and didn't help him. When I went to therapy for postpartum depression, he discouraged me going. He is stubborn about it and it took me a long to accept that it is not my responsibility or right to make him. But he seriously needs help for that. I did not know about the visitation thing with child support. I probably need to do this but I really did not want to file for child support. For a long time, I felt that I could just work things out with him.
Recommended Posts