Obsessive thinking

[Betty7]

Hi! I had a two year love affair which ended a few years ago. He was somewhat abusive. He has had a girlfriend for the last 2 years, who I believe he is treating with more respect than he ever had for me. When we were together he was still good friends with his previous lovers. He hasn't wanted to remain friends with me. I feel as though he has singled me out to treat like poo.

 

Most days I am constantly reminded of him having a solid relationship. Everything I see on tv and every couple I see on the street is a constant emotional and psychological trigger for me. I don't know how to accept that he's well and truly moved on and that he doesn't want my friendship. I still suffer from jealousy and resentment on most days and don't know how to overcome these feelings!!

 

I would be interested to know of any strategies, ideas or insight.

 

Thanks everyone!!

[TaraMaiden]

let me get this straight:

This relationship ended a few years ago...

He's been with someone else now, for 2 years.

 

Why is this guy still on your mind, now?

 

You need counselling.

And quickly.

because to still be stuck in the frame of mind where you are still suffering from jealousy and resentment, is toxic, debilitating, pointless and a huge waste of your time.

 

You do realise this is all self-inflicted, right?

This is you doing it to you.

 

You need professional help.

[Betty7]

I know that I am creating my own suffering and I'm already in therapy as I suffer from mental illness.. I was looking for some strategies that may help to ease the intensity of the emotional triggers as I'm not coping with it regardless of the fact that it has been over for sometime..

[TaraMaiden]

Here's something I gave someone yesterday:

 

I read something on the internet, a while back, that struck a chord....

 

Basically it said that when you're in true distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so.

After that, it's self-inflicted.

A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact:

 

That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them...

 

They were missing the point.

 

If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time.

 

Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain.

 

So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.'

 

This is the problem with situations like this:

Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there"....

They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references....

 

The trick is to not start rolling the snowball.

Pick it up and throw it, and move on.

 

It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind.

But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'.

 

Pain is valid.

Emotions are valid.

They deserve to be honoured.

But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty.

 

The self inflicted pain begins when you begin to labour the point. When you diversify from the original thought and take that line of thinking into a completely new and unrelated zone.

you may THINK it's all related, but it's not.

 

For example: (totally invented and just to demonstrate....)

You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said....

 

Here it is again, with the original thought, and where the point starts getting laboured...

 

(1) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, [highlight]snowballing starts here[/highlight] (2) but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said....

 

See what happened there? You began the snowballing, adding, embellishing, expanding - and feeding your own pain.

 

Feel the feeling (1). Don't labour the point (2).

 

This is what you're doing:

You're obsessively playing, and re-playing a 'movie' in your head, and either giving it your own script of what you wish had been said/done, or you're just going over and over the same memories, keeping them alive and bubbling, to the point where every single other thought is either banished, or affected by the mainstream of your obsession.

 

You need to ask your therapist what physical measures you can take to prevent thoughts arising.

And the elastic band method is a good one - but I have a feeling you'll end up with a badly-bruised inner wrist, very quickly....

[Betty7]

Thank you very much! that makes a lot of sense with the techniques I'm already working with and I appreciate you for taking the time to help!!

[TaraMaiden]

That's ok.

USE what helps.

Implement it.

 

I know for a fact that initially, you'll be snapping the band a lot.

In time, you'll realise "My God - I think I snapped it just twice today!!"

 

I'm glad it fits in, rather than contradicts... I would have added, 'consult with your therapist'....But if it fits - great!

[na49]

The best way to deal with obsessive thinking is to just have your "obsessive thoughts". recognize that you are having them. let them happen. and start thinking about something else.

 

then it will happen again. you'll think of him. you realize you're doing it. and you move on to something else.

 

then it will happen again. and eventually you won't be climbing the walls trying to stop thinking about him. You'll recognize that you're doing it, and you'll stop.

[Betty7]

Thanks... I guess I just get carried away with the snowball effect and then end up with a feeling of animosity.. But I realise now that I just need to see the thoughts for what they are and not allow my emotional response to become too over the top..

Thanks na49