IDOHARM Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I will apologize in advance for what I'm assuming will be a huge post. Bless you if you can get through it all. I know it'll be big because most of this stuff is trapped inside my feeble little brain and I've been holding it in for too long. As I've been reading this board and the posts I got the feeling with the intelligent and insightful people here that this would be a good thing for me and maybe get some positive feedback. So here goes.... I'm 37, my wife is the same age. We have three, bright, healthy children. 14, 12, 8. In a nutshell I'm only here for them. The large and only questions I have about a ending a terrible marriage, are about them. How does it affect them if I stay, how do we all cope if I leave. The wife and I are high school sweet hearts. I just did the math, I've been with her more in my life then I've been with out her! wow. 20 years of dating and marriage. Our trouble started about 5-6 years ago. My version, I'm sure, is different then hers, but as I see it, when we had kids the trouble started. When we had our first she did amazing. Was a great mom. When we had the second, hey, you drop off a little, your hands are full, but she did awesome. By the time we had our third she began to shut down. She shut down on all three of them, and me, and our marriage. She stopped keeping up the house, stopped cooking, stopped working with the kids. A myriad of little details here, but that's a very broad stroke that covers my side of things. Things that made me mad, things that made me profoundly sad. Just a lot of things. . . I picked up the slack where I could. I tried to be a better dad then ever before. I can look back now and just see her deteriorating. She stopped caring. For everyone and everything, including herself. So I know what you're thinking now as you're reading this, depression, right? Yes. I think so. She will deny it to her last breath! She has been on anti-depressants for 15+ years. If you ask me they aren't working. She says ( Paxil ) isn't for depression it's for mild anxiety. That may very well be true. Anyway, she also has smoked marijuana since high school. I stopped partying of any kind 12-13 years ago. She was still smoking every single day, multiple times a day up until about 2 months ago. More on that later. Her days these past years are to wake up, be testy and irritable with everyone, usher the kids to school. She would then do some stuff around the house, ie have some coffee and cigs, kill an hour or so, then she'd go back to bed and sleep anywhere from 3 to 6 hours. She'd wake up in time to get the kids home from school. She would then make some terrible dinner, unhealthy stuff you just pop in the oven real quick, or not cook at all. Literally in a week we'd eat out for dinner 3 to 4 times on average. Heck, some weeks 5 times. If the kids are home on the weekends or holidays, some times we'd eat lunch out and dinner out. Just crappy fast food. Not healthy for kids. These are our days. This is one of the sources of contention and fights. I tried to encourage her to get a hobby. Get out of the house some. Get a fun job just for friends and for some confidence, but she will not. She is content to stay at home. To me it's stay at home and be lazy. To her, she says she needs to stay home and raise the kids. I work from home and the kids are in school 8 hours a day. So I think we'd be fine. That doesn't matter to her, she says she's too busy. . . . We have been fighting here and there these last years, but the last 2-3 years, a ton. This past 18 months have been HELL. We don't scream or yell at one another, we just don't talk. We'll go weeks without taking to each other. We'd get over one fight and a week later fight again and then shut down again for weeks. 18 months of barely talking. I think we've probably had sex 2 or 3 times. That I don't even care about anymore. Not my concern. So we've recently talked about divorce. I tried to approach this as adults with the kids as the only priority. Everything else is moot. She sees a divorce as open warfare. She wants to strike out and lash out and try to hurt me. I'm not trying to hurt her. I only want what's best for the kids. I offered to let her keep the house so the kids won't be traumatized by a move and I'd go get another house. She can have everything in the house, all I want is 50% custody. In her venom, she shot back that she would take the kids full time, not let me see them and take the house and take all our possessions along with child support and alimony. I'm not sure where she's gotten the idea that just because she's the mother she can decide the outcome of a divorce. Anyway, the idea has been floated, but I haven't made any moves, and she evidently isn't making any moves either. If I get a lawyer and instigate this, she doesn't seem to be able to act without striking out. So she's making this very tough on me. I don't want to make it worse on the kids by having a nasty drag out brawl. In the mean time, we decided after talking about it that we'd try to work on things. She said she'd like to go to school and that she'd like to get a job. I was elated! She stopped smoking weed! Also, I was elated. That was a huge source of fighting for us. She also agreed that maybe her Paxil wasn't working well and she'd switch medicine. Also....elated! I had such high hopes. If she stopped smoking weed, maybe her medicine would work better. If she got a job she might make friends and maybe her confidence would go up. If she went to school, she might really look forward to a future. Well that was 3 weeks ago since that talk of revelations . . . Now we're right back to square one. She's made no moves on school or a job. One night she flew off the handle in a diatribe filled with horrific hateful things. The next day she apologized, but it was too late, my heart sank. I realized she isn't going to change. So once again, I have stopped talking to her. I, and I think the kids too, walk on egg shells around her. You never know when she will get angry or about what. To me, I just try disarm her and stay out of her path. This is taking a toll on me. I feel myself aging. My stomach gets in knots, I get stress headaches. I don't know what to do. Leave her, and start open warfare and a nasty divorce, or stay here for the kids and endure this. That is the short version, lol! There's a million other things I could say, but you've suffered enough!
Gunny376 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 First is that the reason that so many men get azz raped in divorce court is simply because they are lay-downs when it comes to divorce. There's that and there's the very effective 50 + femi-nazi ~ aka the women's movement propaganda machine that has been in effect. When in fact the courts in the majority of states have decided to just opt out for the "no-fault" route, treat marriages as though it were nothing more than a business between two business partners that no longer agree. Me, myself and I? I really don't think the government should be involved in marriage, not from the start nor the ending. Men and women have been doing just fine for literally thousands of years without a man and a woman having to go down to the courthouse and dish out $50 or more to get married? That's just my two-cents worth. Belie it or not back in the day? I use to smoke some weed ~ as when I was in high school and back during my early twenties. But I recognized that it is addicting in that pretty soon all you want to do is get stoned, and that it takes away your ambition, your drive, your purpose, your goals ~ until your one purpose in life is to get a job that supports your dope habit and finding ways to get stoned all the time. So I quit it! And the reason I quit it? Was I simply made the decision that I didn't only want, but didn't need this crap in my life. Ditto with many other habits. I tried smoking cigs, drinking and women! And all three got me into trouble. The simple fact of the matter is? You can't be in a marriage by yourself. You just can't! Its pretty much like putting an elevator in an 'Outhouse" ~ it just doesn't work! Women get custody of the children in 90% of divorce cases ~ the primary reason is because men simply don't try and get custody. They believe the "femi-nazi" propaganda (As do women) But the truth of the matter is? Men that do seek custody? Of the 10% that do? They're awarded custody 90% of the time! From your post its no longer about your happiness, your marriage, whether your marriage is salvageable ~ (Its not! The only difference between your marriage and the Titanic is the Titanic had a band playing as she sunk beneath the waves!) Its about the short, mid-term, and long term happiness, well being, and development of your children. Your wife has problems and issues. And she need professional help with them, and unless she's willing to help herself~ you cannot help her come to terms and resolve them. So IMHO you've no recourse other than to seek custody and go full-tilt in getting any and everything necessary for you and your children. Keep their wants (Within reason) needs, first and a priority. They need a routine, stability, a caring parent, a sober parent, a healthy "nest" to grow, flourish, and evolve in. 1
Author IDOHARM Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Thank you, Gunny! Really appreciate the advice.
Morgoth Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Hey brother, the way you describe it she was good until the 15 years of anti-depressants. I would suggest you try and get her off the drugs and see if things improve and she wakes up and comes back to life. One of the worse things that ever happened is the wide spread use of Anti-Depressants and Benzo drugs because everyday life is stressful, they are evil, evil,evil, worse than any rec drug. Me personally I would stay until my kids were in college, you made them, support them. Good luck. 2
Steen719 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Its about the short, mid-term, and long term happiness, well being, and development of your children. Your wife has problems and issues. And she need professional help with them, and unless she's willing to help herself~ you cannot help her come to terms and resolve them. So IMHO you've no recourse other than to seek custody and go full-tilt in getting any and everything necessary for you and your children. Keep their wants (Within reason) needs, first and a priority. They need a routine, stability, a caring parent, a sober parent, a healthy "nest" to grow, flourish, and evolve in. I have to agree with this. I also don't think anyone should be this unhappy in a marriage. I'm sure there are two sides to the story, but if you are representing this mostly factual, it must be a nightmare. She needs professional help, as Gunny said. I can't imagine anything else helping at this point. Her diagnosis of depression may not be correct; she may have other issues that are not being addressed. Only you know (or would know) if she was able to get better mentally, if you would want to stay married. It has worn you down. In any case, it is better for your children if she is the best she can be. I think I would tell her that in order to even think about the marriage continuing, she must seek immediate help and follow though. This is NOT a good situation for your kids to be in, when they are skirting around on the edges, trying not to get anything riled up. Not good at all. Good luck. You sure have a hard road ahead, but your kids need you to be strong and have clarity. It wouldn't hurt for you to get some legal information about custody in this situation - also, alimony and housing, etc. 2
Gunny376 Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 I have to agree with this. I also don't think anyone should be this unhappy in a marriage. I'm sure there are two sides to the story, but if you are representing this mostly factual, it must be a nightmare. She needs professional help, as Gunny said. I can't imagine anything else helping at this point. Her diagnosis of depression may not be correct; she may have other issues that are not being addressed. Only you know (or would know) if she was able to get better mentally, if you would want to stay married. It has worn you down. In any case, it is better for your children if she is the best she can be. I think I would tell her that in order to even think about the marriage continuing, she must seek immediate help and follow though. This is NOT a good situation for your kids to be in, when they are skirting around on the edges, trying not to get anything riled up. Not good at all. Good luck. You sure have a hard road ahead, but your kids need you to be strong and have clarity. It wouldn't hurt for you to get some legal information about custody in this situation - also, alimony and housing, etc. Its all about those children! Time not just to "Man-Up?" Its time to 'Mama Up" ~ my Man! 1
imtooconfused Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Hey IDOHARM, I have to say that I really feel for you. You said that your unsure where you feel all of his is heading at the moment so I don't know that there is much advice that I would have for you. I do know that there is nothing you are going to be able to do to change the way she is, absolutely nothing. She will not change in any way for you. Therefore, the arguing with her over her behaviors and attitude is completely pointless (in fact counterproductive). Your frustration and stress comes more from her unwillingness to change rather than the behaviors and attitudes themselves. So simply put, if you stop expecting to see a change, your stress will diminish. If she chooses to continue be angry and bitter all the time just remember it's her life. To the greatest extent possible avoid making it yours. Find happiness within yourself. When you search yourself for what makes you happy, you will find the answer to your and your childrens' future. By the way, Hey brother, the way you describe it she was good until the 15 years of anti-depressants. I agree with this. The anti-depressants are not working for her and her anxiety could probably be treated differently, but that is up to her and her doctor. It's not something that you should really trouble yourself with. 1
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