Desperately want to break NC

[aisuru]

I'm having one of those days... After doing well for awhile, tonight I just want to speak with him. Write him. Apologize. Ask for another chance.

 

UGH.

 

For many reasons, while I want to do this and wish it could work out.... I know I can't.

 

Please help me stay strong tonight, without bashing him.

 

I miss him something fierce right now. I have a lot of regrets.

 

MEH.

 

I also am lonely. Wishing I could just interact with him to see what it would be like. Because I'm not 100% certain I miss the relationship, him, or just having somebody around.

 

DAMNIT.

 

I thought I was doing really well.

[BustedUpInside]

First, you ARE doing well. You are just hitting a speed bump. It is normal to have urges and cravings when you are trying to get rid of an addiction in your life.

 

The being sad, I completely know how you are feeling right now. I went on a date last weekend. It was ok. The guy was pretty nice and he had some interesting things to say. But you want to know the problem? He didn't laugh at my joke. The one that always cracked my ex up. He wasn't really tall in that gangly nerdy way that I love. He didn't have a grumpy little expression until he smiled and that smile would light up his whole face. He wasn't awkward and he didn't gobble his food and then stare longingly at mine as if he were an orphaned street mongrel. This new guy didn't do any of the things that I never knew that I couldn't live without.

 

All the date made me realize is how I am not ready to date yet. It also made me miss my ex. Like really miss him. Like trying to find any excuse to just contact him and see if he is spending his days pining for me the way I seem to be doing for him lately.

 

You want to know what really keeps me from contacting him? That I still know him better than he knows himself. He prides himself on being a "nice" guy. He isn't, but that never really mattered to me. He is actually a passive aggressive, egomaniac, who avoids confrontation at all cost. So, if I contacted him, he would reply and be as friendly as possible so that I wouldn't be "mad" at him. I would probably get my hopes all up, and all he would be doing on his end is pitying me for not being able to let a catch like him go.

 

That part is what galls me the most. He never acknowledged how he wasn't a prize but I loved him the most and would have stayed with him forever.

 

I will not contact him until I am 100% sure I am over him and I think there is a possibility that I will never be that sure.

 

Sorry for writing so much, but I wanted to let you know that I hear you, feel for you, and am rooting for you!

[aisuru]

*sigh* I actually want another chance. That is my problem.

 

DAMNIT.

 

I've never wanted a second chance.

 

MEH.

 

I have always wanted another chance with this particular relationship.

[lop98]

Oh, aisuru, I relate so much... in the last week I've been fighting the same urge and crying nonstop, I want to get past everything that happened, we broke up because I went crazy over some pictures and never told him and obviously he didn't know what was going on and I didn't want to hear any explanation, he did treat me awfully afterwards but I'm now full of regret... I hate what I did... and I want him back.

 

A few things have stopped me and I hope they give you a bit of clarity too: when I have these urges I'm at my weakest, what could possibly come out of being again in a relationship where I have no control over my emotions? he fell in love with me and was attracted to me because I was always confident, I'd flirt carefully, always felt okay when space was needed... I never smelled like agony from a mile away like I do know, I never needed to cling on to him just to be myself. I keep creating scenarios in my head where we get back together and they're so perfect but at one point all the insecurities that broke the relationship come into play.... it's very telling that I haven't gotten over the cause of the breakup, and it'd happen again.

 

Second, how would he respond?... I can't remember your story but the only scenario that could be worth the risk is having the certainty that he feels the same way about you, that he's not going to ignore you or reply coldly or casual and send you back to day one of NC.

 

The more intense urges like this are, the less prepared one is for the outcome of breaking NC, because it's vulnerability at its finest. I wish I'd get back to my ex, and I hope that if one day we have another chance, I'm not the wreck I am now, I hope all my fears and insecurities and sadness have disappeared and I can open up again and share the best of me, not all the ghosts one seems to be surrounded by when hurting.

 

Stay strong... you seem to be one of the strongest around here, you can pull through and hang on to the next day, and then the next one, the urge will go away for a while and that's what you want.

[KPChick000]

Aisuru, stay strong! You can do this!

 

Girls, I can relate to everything in this thread.

 

The way that I get over my urge to contact him is by imagining the worst things that he could say to me. The fear of rejection now overcomes any urge to hear his voice or feel connected to him again. And while he is not really a mean person who would purposefully hurt me, the thought of him giving out too much information (eg, I'm over you, I'm happier now, this is for the best) scares me to death. I simply don't want the confrontation.

 

I too am struggling with the regrets I have concerning the relationship. Talking to a counselor is helping somewhat but I am still really hard on myself on what I could/should have done better. But, we have to understand that a relationship is a two-way street. You alone did not cause the downfall of the relationship. He gave up on you, and that is something we also have to remember.

 

BustedUpInside, the part about missing your ex more after going on a date resonated with me. I too thought about my ex a lot when/after I was with another guy last month. When the guy kissed me, I didn't like that he was so aggressive. I missed the soft kisses that my ex used to give. He didn't make me laugh as much as my ex did (but to his credit, I probably just wasn't 100% into it). I just couldn't force my ex out of my head, and I was comparing too much. And I was missing the "imperfect" things about my ex! It also made me feel guilty like I was cheating or something, which is preposterous. I know this all goes away eventually, but clearly, I'm still not ready, though I want to be.

 

lop98, I feel the same way. One thing my ex liked about me was how independent and strong-headed I was. I resisted his advances for a long time because I didn't want a LDR. But, I think that drew him in even more. I hate that he has seen a weak/desperate side of me since the breakup, and I don't even want to think about being back together (if that ever happens) until I am back to my "normal" self, how I was when he first met me.