Christina1989 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Long-ish story. A while back, my boyfriend was sleeping over and we got into a fight and I went to sleep and he stayed up on his phone in bed with me. Then next morning when his alarm was going off (I usually wake him up so having an alarm was unusual), he wasn't waking up to answer it so after the second time it went off, I went to go shut it off. There were flirty texts from another girl. I know I shouldn't have looked and that it was wrong, but I felt like I needed to see what the rest of that conversation was about. they talked about her upcoming visit and how he would pick her up from the airport with flowers. How he liked her a lot and missed her. how he couldn't express how you really felt about her when she was here (she now lives far away) but he could now. he also said that she turned him on more than anyone else, ever. The more I read, the more crushed I was and the more I wished I didn't know any of it, but I couldn't stop reading. It hurt me even more that he would say these kinds of things to another girl while literally still in my bed. That's some seriously heavy flirting (with actual plans to see each other and follow up on it I might add) when he was supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with me. After that, he brought her up to me on his own and told me she was ugly and how he wasn't attracted to her at all, I knew he was lying. It drove me a little crazy and I didn't want to be played for a fool so I checked his phone a couple more times after that. I always found something that hurt me. He flirted with more girls and it was clear that he wasn't telling anyone that we were a real couple or that he cared about me at all. I hated what I found out and I hated myself for looking. I knew it was wrong, I regret it, and I feel horrible about it but I did it for what I rationalized to myself as self-protection. It doesn't excuse my behavior. I was wrong. Even knowing what I knew, I didn't want to lose him so I decided that he would either leave me or just stop eventually, so I just let it go. I told him today that I had snooped and he freaked out. I have said sorry in every possible way under the sun but he doesn't think that flirting that way was wrong since "nothing came from it" and that I hurt myself by snooping and making a big deal out of nothing. He also said that he wasn't attracted to that girl when I asked if he meant the things he said to her. I know that I should never have snooped but I don't think its okay for him to do that. It undermines our relationship and tells those girls that he doesn't respect me and that he's open to being tempted (at the very least). I know he has grounds to break up with me for breaking his trust and invading his privacy but his excuse for flirting is that he "didn't know what I was saying to other guys" (which was NOTHING) I would never cheat (despite my questionable morals in the realm of snooping). He's cheated on every other girl he's been with so I thought I was justified in my suspicion but he said I just didn't trust him and I never will. But should I? He was flirting behind my back and didn't seem to feel bad when he got caught. He also said I was just like all other girls since I've proven myself to be a psycho girlfriend. I know what i did was "crazy" behavior but I would never cheat. He says he needs time to think and re-evaluate things and I completely understand that but I'm thinking I should be doing the same. Our relationship is SO SO wonderful in every other way. We're together all the time and we get along so well and we're so compatible but I'm not sure if I can be with someone who won't accept responsibility for his part of our problems or admit when he's wrong. I owned up to my bad behavior and I truly feel horrible for betraying his trust, but I still should be allowed to stand up for myself without him telling me that he did nothing and that I "hurt myself." I was not the one who flirted. I did wrong by snooping but I was not the one who hurt me by flirting with other girls. he did that part himself. Do I have a right to be upset too? Do you consider this cheating? What would you do if you were me? If i break up with him, what should I say?
hellischrome Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Hey, are you kidding? You have all the rights to be upset. First of all, you didn't do it regularly or from nothing. You saw those messages by mistake, and then of course you needed to know. Maybe, if I were you, I would have brought it up as soon as it happened, confronting him on those things. And going through his texts is NO WAY like what he has done to you. You are together, you are exclusive, and he says that to someone else? Making plans that you are totally unaware of? That's not a relationship, is just being with someone and then doing exactly what he wants just to boost his ego. Maybe in the end nothing would happen, but he still said those things to other girls - totally unacceptable.
Jono85 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I couldn't read all of it. bottom line is you must have zero self-esteem and respect for yourself. how is this even a question to you? how have you continually stuck around after seeing him chat up girl after girl? why settle for that? you are the only one to blame for allowing someone to treat you like this. I suggest if you don't want to end up even more hurt than you are now, you stop allowing people (guys) to treat you like crap. none of the things you mentioned are okay in an exclusive relationship, and you should have left after the very first time.
Zahara Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 So he was planning to meet this woman when she comes into town and he's blinded you that it was just flirting? You're either incredibly naive and easily manipulated or just lacking self-respect and value. Your relationship is SO SO wonderful and you're together all the time? Who cares? Your relationship has zero trust and commitment. He's cheated on every girl he's been with. You've just become the rule. But wait, your relationship is very much different, yes?
Sneaky Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Yes you should dump him. He's bad person and this behaviour is not acceptable in anyway shape or form. It’s incredibly disrespectful of him and he has the audacity to get mad at you for finding out. Don't let this guy walk all over you, throw him out.
SimonSerenade Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 (edited) You have every right to be upset, don't even give it a second thought, what he did was cheating and it was wrong, he can't and shouldn't justify it, he should be on his knees begging your forgiveness, not making you feel bad for catching him, take it from me, get out of there, you will never be the same after what you've seen if he doesn't take what he did seriously, I won't go into great detail about what I went through but I found sex texts with another guy on my exs phone (she forgot to erase them before passing the phone on to me), it took me a long time to forgive and forget what I saw, I became a jealous and slightly paranoid boyfriend, no matter how much I mauled over her excuses in my head I couldn't let it go, at one point I fell in to a deep dark depression where all I saw was images of her and other men in my head, I always loved the song private eye by alkaline trio but never truly understood the song until I was in that situation, I wish I could of saved us both some heart ache and just ended it there and then, it takes a while to get over something like that and the problem is people think it should be forgotten within a matter of days, it could takes months maybe even well over a year. Edited June 29, 2013 by SimonSerenade
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