teckno2000 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I am 29 year old male. Late November of last year, I got in touch with a lady friend, my age, who I've known for 10 years, but have been out of touch for the past 8 years. I was in a not good place during the time that we got together. I was renting a room in house, and was working in a dead end job. I was so excited that we found each other (our first date was 7 hours long, and we'd talk for hours and hours on the phone for weeks after). I met he parents after about 3 weeks. We talked about getting married, having kids, being together forever. She was so affectionate! I am very affectionate my nature, nothing makes me feel better than to have a girl in my arms so that I can feel warm, and make her feel warm. The first 2 months, things were fantastic. We'd spend hours in bed, carressing each other, talking softly, lots of kissing, passionate lovemaking. All was right with the world. Around the same time as we started dating, I was laid off my job, which was a good thing in a way, as it gave me an opportunity to go back to college and have unemployment pay the bills for about 6 months until I get a better paying job. Please note, I am 5'9" 190 lbs, brown hair, blue eyes, not a model type by any means, lol, average looking i guess. She is 5'3", 140 lbs, average looks, also not a model type. To me, whats most important is not looks but personality, outlook on life, and being affectionate. I had issues with my landlord about overnight guests, and she was living with her parents. Thus 2 months after we started dating (around the end of January 2013), we decided to move in together and we did. I was not under pressure at all, in fact it seemed like a great idea since I felt like I found the right person for me. Once we moved in, that is when the problems began and continue to this day. Whereas we melted into each other and whispered sweat nothings to each other in bed before we moved in together, everything pretty much stopped. She stopped being affectionate, in and out of bed. When we went to bed, I would reach out to hug her, and get the following responses "Stop" "Please don't touch me" "I'm uncomfortable" "I need my space" "I can't have someone hanging on to me all the time." I was not sure how to proceed, I tried playing it off, like messing with her playfully: pinching, poking, to which the response was usually: "Stop", "I don't want to be touched". The excuse the beginning was that we had a full sized mattrass and she was uncomfortable. We ended up getting king-sized mattrass, but the physical issue still continues. I felt so rejected, because I reach out to her lovingly, and she rejected me time and time again. I feel depressed and unfulfilled. We've had numerous conversations about these problems. I try to explain to her that for me, this "honeymoon" part of a relationship is when we should try to get to know each other better, to connect, to feel closer, to build an atmosphere of comfort, to make out apartment a "home". Her response is usually that she is not used to this kind of attention, especially from her past relationships, she is independent and does not rely on others for her happiness, and that she has never lived with someone before. She also blames me for things such as being messy at times, and that I do things that iritate her, and this is partly that makes her unaffectionate. We can be watching a romantic movie, sitting on a couch, and 99% of the time we'd be sitting there like strangers, and if I reach out to her, she'd usually say stop. Please note, this rejection takes place most of the time, even on weekends when we can sleep in, and when she is not on her period. She tells me that she is not a morning person. Yet I also get the cold shoulder at night as well. I am on one side of the bed and she is on another. No cuddling, no touching, nada. We haven't been intimate in over a month. She sometimes tells me that I should act like a man and not feel so needy. Now I feel anxious around her, even at times that she softens up, which is not very often. I keep thinking that this softness and tenderness is so temporary and more rejection is around the corner. I feel that this relationship is doomed to fail, and I feel so bad because we had such a promising beginning. I've asked her to consider couples counseling, but she rejected it out of hand. Any and all advice about how to proceed is much appreciated.
pteromom Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Hmmmmmm. Well, I'll go on the assumption that she does love you and wants to be with you. I don't know this of course, but I have nothing else to go on. Assuming that's the case, it could just be that she is feeling suffocated living with someone after being on her own for so long. Here's what I'd do. Try to recreate the feelings you had when you were first dating. Take her out somewhere exciting. Flirt, but flirt in that "early dating" kind of way where you aren't too familiar and constantly touching her. Laugh. Joke around. At home, make sure she has space. Give her time to herself. Don't make messes in her areas. Help her out. I don't know what your situation is with housework and such, but I know that if I have free time, I am much more open to spending romantic time with my hubby than if I have a to-do list a mile long. What can you do to give her some free time to relax with you? Never underestimate the value of a weekend at a hotel. Respect her boundaries. If she doesn't want to be touched in the morning, don't touch her in the morning. Don't whine. Being whiny makes you much less attractive. Talk to her. Not about your needs, but about fun stuff and interesting stuff. Connect with her on an emotional level, and hopefully she will want to connect to you on a physical level. Try negotiating. Tell her that physical intimacy is important to you and ask her if she has any ideas to add it back into your relationship? If none of it works, it could just be that you two are incompatible. She may truly be a lot less affectionate than you, and you may want to move on to someone who is more giving in that way. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 The girls got problems and she suckered you into a relationship with her and now she's acting completely uninterested and dismissive of you...it makes you think what exactly she was after in this relationship....did she just get out of one? she might be rebounding or she could just be completely turned off by you in other ways but also this sounds like something much deeper and personal to her than the relationship as well mixed in. If she's unwilling to compromise, have any conversations about this or seek counseling then drop her @ss...I bet you she'll start making a big fuss then though, because it sounds like she's testing you and pushing you away at the same time...but don't be this fool that tries to accommodate her every need and walk on thin ice just for her....drop her, it's making you unhappy and you're going to get depressed and feel all kind of negatives emotions because of how this is going, I definitely wouldn't stand for it myself...that is not a relationship that I want to be, I don't care what those first few weeks were like or whatever...that happens and that's why you don't act impulsively in the majority of situations...but it sounds like to me you both got into contact out of despair in your lives, so I think this was an escape for both of you at the time but it's starting to show it's major cracks, I think this was a mistake. She also sounds like the type that needs a stronger more confident more independent guy, someone who she feels is in control and is more of a leader, independent women are drawn to different characteristics than the ones those who are not...if they can test you and push you around and get their way, they will resent you and belittle you, throwing low blows at you to make you insecure, they're also secretly insecure however...they cover that up with a strong front/facade, they mask their insecurities and issues by staying on the offensive and you like a fool take their behavior and demeanor as genuine...you're basically way in over your head here, and this could very well into a very destructive relationship, she's got problems that you've only begun to understand. I think she's feeling trapped, confused, and regrets the decision she made to move in with you...at the time she probably felt like it was a good idea but she was probably in one of her self-destructive behaviors and wasn't thinking. I think you're going to try and stick it out with this girl but I think you're going to get your butt whipped in the end because you think you can fix or change these things...this is about her, not you...you'll see that in the end, hopefully.
Million.to.1 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Has she by chance started on a a birth control pill she wasn't on before? I had a similar issue with a now ex. I didn't even realise it was even happening at the time, but I started on a new BC, and within a few weeks, i completely lost my libido, and wasn't interested in physical intimacy at all. I was on it for a few months and our sex life was very irregular. It wasn't until i stopped taking it that i returned to normal.
jkepler85 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I'd tell her that she needs to come clean and talk to you or you think it's best she moves out. I hope its the birth control thing, but it sounds fishy to me like there could be an affair happening, whether it be emotional or physical and the guilt is eating her up, so when you act lovey dovey she feels worse and worse about it. Or perhaps it's run its course and she's too much of a coward to end it so she's going to make it bad enough that you do. Tough situation man, I hope it works out, but watch out for you first, you only get one shot at life and don't waste on a person who isn't making your life better. 1
TheGuard13 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I think she's feeling trapped, confused, and regrets the decision she made to move in with you...at the time she probably felt like it was a good idea but she was probably in one of her self-destructive behaviors and wasn't thinking This. I just went through something eerily similar. For whatever reason, be it that you lost your job, or that she simply wasn't as into you as she thought, she has lost attraction/desire for you. She may like the living arrangement, but not necessarily value the relationship. The constant rejections are a dead giveaway. There may even be a bit of the old bait and switch going on. You have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who is this incompatible, or worse, dishonest, with you, moving forward. If she won't discuss it with you, and nothing changes, I'd break up with her. Doesn't mean you can't be roommates or something (I am with mine and its working out pretty well), but I wouldn't continue being unhappy for no reason.
Nyu Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I think that the two of you moved a bit fast. Two months is a very short amount of time to already move in with each other. I understand the circumstance pushed you into this decision and I went through something similar years ago with my ex-boyfriend. We both needed a place to stay and moved in after only dating for a little over a month. A few things: 1) Living together and dating are very different. People who love each other may not be equipped to live together. You both may have living habits that need adjustment. Some people in general have a hard time being around others 24/7 or sharing a space. Maybe one of you needs more "me time" than the other. 2) Also, the dynamic of a relationship changes significantly when you live together. Perhaps in close proximity, you have learned more about each other or there are things she may not like about you that she has discovered (sorry if that sounds harsh). 3) The honeymoon is over. People tend to act their best in the beginning of a relationship as well as feel more romantic. Perhaps she doesn't feel the need to impress you or be as romantic with you anymore because her true nature is coming out now. When you live together, people let their hair down and a lot of the charm dies. 4) It could also be that she may have intimacy issues. Perhaps your relationship's level of closeness is scaring her. It could be other things too, but I believe it is one of those things, or some combination of them.
CptSaveAho Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 She sometimes tells me that I should act like a man and not feel so needy. She told you the problem, be a Man and kick her ass out Don't let her back until she starts being affectionate again... if she comes back and starts this crap again, kick her out again. She's treating you like **** and you are taking it and what have you done about it, nothing, Men don't have conversations about our feelings to women, they know how we feel, we respond with actions or lack of them (removing a positive action from her until her behavior changes) I don't think she really baited and switched you as much as you think or as others think, she just didnt realize how much of a (no offense) pansey you are acting towards her or around her
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