Archanaart Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Hi, I just needed a place to get my thoughts out so bear with me. My boyfriend and I went long distance two months ago and today was the first I've seen him in two months. We only live three and half hours away from each other. He is on his way to another city and he went through my city to get there. So I was able to see him for a short few hours. I'm trying not to complain and a few hours is great compared to nothing. But it's still not enough last summer we spent weekends together and now its been reduced to only four hours. he's always busy and hasn't been able to make anytime for visits. We haven't been able to Skype for these past two months because of family constraints. Compared to last summer when we skyped everyday. And he barely calls me because he is so busy. Sometimes I feel as if he should focus on his family, friends and work and not bother with having a relationship right now. I feel conflicted and like my emotions and needs are not being heard or met. I'm stuck
CherryT Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 If your needs and wants are not met, you have to decide to either leave or put up with it. If you've discussed this with your boyfriend and he's unwilling and simply cannot make any changes, there is no point in trying to force that. Sometimes two people are just in different places in their lives where they can't give everything to someone. If this were the case and my boyfriend and I couldn't make the effort to see each other, I would probably call it off, unless I knew I could handle what circumstances he was in right now and the limited attention I get in our relationship. If you cannot accept it, you'll start resenting him.
NJtoDC Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I've been doing the LDR thing, and am looking for a LTR (marriage), so I only date those who want the same and those who want to close the distance gap in a reasonable length of time. I'm able and would like to relocate so that is not a problem for me. However, to each their own. How do you want to see this relationship progress from where it is? You are not happy with the status quo.
justwhoiam Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 today was the first I've seen him in two months. We only live three and half hours away from each other. ... it's still not enough last summer we spent weekends together and now its been reduced to only four hours. he's always busy and hasn't been able to make anytime for visits. We haven't been able to Skype for these past two months because of family constraints. ... And he barely calls me because he is so busy. 1) Can't you afford a travel of 3.5 hours? 2) To keep things going, you should ensure communication at least 2 or 3 times a week. No matter how busy both of you can be, 5 minutes are not a big deal for anybody. If he still wants a relationships, he needs to put those 5 minutes into doing something, not for you, rather for the relationship. 3) If someone is not able to fit you in his schedule in any way ever or almost ever in 2 months, this person is not ready nor willing to have a relationship and it's better for him to remain single 4) If your 'boyfriend' has no money, how could he travel for 5 more hours in a row? What does he do?
Author Archanaart Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 1) Can't you afford a travel of 3.5 hours? 2) To keep things going, you should ensure communication at least 2 or 3 times a week. No matter how busy both of you can be, 5 minutes are not a big deal for anybody. If he still wants a relationships, he needs to put those 5 minutes into doing something, not for you, rather for the relationship. 3) If someone is not able to fit you in his schedule in any way ever or almost ever in 2 months, this person is not ready nor willing to have a relationship and it's better for him to remain single 4) If your 'boyfriend' has no money, how could he travel for 5 more hours in a row? What does he do? We can both afford visiting each other as much as we wanted but his family obligations get in the way of that. he works in his family business and his family relies on him to be there. he doesn't even have time for his friends. We communicate often but text can only do so much.
justwhoiam Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 he works in his family business and his family relies on him to be there. What does he do exactly? Isn't this guy engaged to another girl? Probably that's why he can't devote hardly any time to you. Didn't his family arrange his marriage? And isn't he abiding by their rules?
Author Archanaart Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 What does he do exactly? Isn't this guy engaged to another girl? Probably that's why he can't devote hardly any time to you. Didn't his family arrange his marriage? And isn't he abiding by their rules? His family owns a business and he works there. and no he's not engaged. Contrary to popular beliefs we hardly engage in arranged marriages. His family is a costumed to western culture. They've lived in North America for years and my boyfriend was born in North America. We don't let our parents (including my own) know until we are ready to be public and let everyone know. They expect marriage or a high probability of marriage. My family doesn't know nor does my brother or father. My mom found out by accident. I guess it's a mothers sense. I hope this makes sense.
justwhoiam Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 His family owns a business and he works there. You just repeated what you already said. Does he run a shop? A factory? A farm? What exactly? What does his work entail? Giving orders and supervising or hard labor? I ask again: are you 100% sure he doesn't have an official girlfriend where he lives or as you put it he's not engaged? And if so, how are you 100% sure? Just by trusting what he says? We don't let our parents (including my own) know until we are ready to be public and let everyone know. They expect marriage or a high probability of marriage. If they were so modern and accustomed to Western culture, they wouldn't expect him to ONLY date his wife, rather to hang out with a girl to get to know her better. Also, does your culture prevent both of you to be friends? Because if he can have a female friend, you could just visit him as a female friend. If that would be disreputable, then your culture and both of your families have a long way to go before being open and accepting of the Western culture. And this is coming from someone who can be old-fashioned in many ways and not buying many 'new' trends. Though I can be unconventional and I decide for myself based on my own judgment regarding things, and not depending on societal standards. I hope this makes sense. Yes, it does. I previously suggested to visit him with some friend(s) you can trust. Does he have siblings working in the family business? They could help him have some free time during the day for at least a couple of days when you visit.
Author Archanaart Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Hi, I just needed a place to get my thoughts out so bear with me. My boyfriend and I went long distance two months ago and today was the first I've seen him in two months. We only live three and half hours away from each other. He is on his way to another city and he went through my city to get there. So I was able to see him for a short few hours. I'm trying not to complain and a few hours is great compared to nothing. But it's still not enough last summer we spent weekends together and now its been reduced to only four hours. he's always busy and hasn't been able to make anytime for visits. We haven't been able to Skype for these past two months because of family constraints. Compared to last summer when we skyped everyday. And he barely calls me because he is so busy. Sometimes I feel as if he should focus on his family, friends and work and not bother with having a relationship right now. I feel conflicted and like my emotions and needs are not being heard or met. I'm stuck You just repeated what you already said. Does he run a shop? A factory? A farm? What exactly? What does his work entail? Giving orders and supervising or hard labor? I ask again: are you 100% sure he doesn't have an official girlfriend where he lives or as you put it he's not engaged? And if so, how are you 100% sure? Just by trusting what he says? If they were so modern and accustomed to Western culture, they wouldn't expect him to ONLY date his wife, rather to hang out with a girl to get to know her better. Also, does your culture prevent both of you to be friends? Because if he can have a female friend, you could just visit him as a female friend. If that would be disreputable, then your culture and both of your families have a long way to go before being open and accepting of the Western culture. And this is coming from someone who can be old-fashioned in many ways and not buying many 'new' trends. Though I can be unconventional and I decide for myself based on my own judgment regarding things, and not depending on societal standards. Yes, it does. I previously suggested to visit him with some friend(s) you can trust. Does he have siblings working in the family business? They could help him have some free time during the day for at least a couple of days when you visit. I know he's not seeing anyone and he's not engaged because I've met his friends and some of his family members do know about me. as well, he's lived in my city for months and only moved back home for summer. I've also visited him on numerous occasions where he lives. His siblings are younger than him therefore they can't perform the duties he does. I dont want to say exactly what his family owns. His family owns a tourism based business and he is at the front. Kinda like the face and the first person you meet. I won't bother to get into culture because its hard to explain and I don't expect many to understand it unless you've lived in that culture. All that matters is that I understand the circumstances when it comes to family but I do have some reservations. Thanks for all your help.
justwhoiam Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I know he's not seeing anyone and he's not engaged because I've met his friends and some of his family members do know about me. as well, he's lived in my city for months and only moved back home for summer. I've also visited him on numerous occasions where he lives. Ok. This was something worth mentioning. Those family members might help him in some way. His siblings are younger than him therefore they can't perform the duties he does. I dont want to say exactly what his family owns. His family owns a tourism based business and he is at the front. Kinda like the face and the first person you meet. Ok, this puts things more in context. Such a business shouldn't run 24/7. I guess they have something called 'business hours'. You should start from there and plan with him his off time for your next visit. I won't bother to get into culture because its hard to explain and I don't expect many to understand it unless you've lived in that culture. All that matters is that I understand the circumstances when it comes to family but I do have some reservations. At least you seem to have your own views and not totally biased. That's a good start. Traditions and religion taken with a pinch of salt.
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