How does one look for a serious relationship?

[Divasu]

Hmm. If I look back on how my serious/long relationships started, the common denominator would be, me being unintentionally indifferent initially.

[Emilia]

Right now, I see it more as "courting" than multi-dating. And courting is a long-standing tradition. And it's fun. I avoided multi-dating since moving away from my hometown 10 years ago.

 

And now that I'm doing it, I realize that multi-dating actually reproduces the way I would meet men in my hometown. It was a small city so you would run into people everywhere and hanging out was very popular.

 

Example: at the end of class, you and a fellow student who always ran into each other at the same cafe would say: hey, let's go grab a coffee! You'd sit and hang out at the cafe, possibly the two of you alone, or with other friends if they happened to be at the same cafe. Then, one day, one of you would make a move.

 

I find OLD reproduces this in some ways. I meet men and we agree to hang out. My current city is somewhat small, so often we'll run into people I know or I'll arrange a date where they meet the people I know (with them knowing so). Somehow this works for me.

I think it's basically socialising with the opposite sex. It's what I replicate through meetups and re-building my social circle after years of travelling.

That's definitely my preferred mode of action!

Mine too. Sometimes escalation works, sometimes it doesn't.

[Els]

Some I've met through friends, others through OLD.

 

Hmm, I gave it some thought, and when I finally thought of something that might help, along comes Emilia with an awesome post that pretty much eclipses it entirely. Damn you, Emilia.

 

Anyhow, I was trying to figure out why I haven't ever had a short term R, which seems to be the inverse of what you're trying to figure out. Why was every R a LTR, and how might that be applicable to help those who desire one?

 

The only answer I can come up with, is that I haven't really ever DATED, per se. In the sense of dating multiple folks at a time, appraising them, the whole dating game thing synonymous with American sitcoms. Everything that happened, just happened organically, two people who got to know each other with time, gradually fell for each other, finally confessed our feelings for each other - and ta-dah, bf and gf.

 

So I guess a possible keyword to consider would be 'organic development'. I know others have found success through OLD, multi-dating, etc, but IMO that kind of huge market/many fish in the sea environment doesn't seem conducive to getting to know people as people, to falling in love with someone. It feels more like a... fun game to play, that's all?

 

I'm not going to disparage all of that - different strokes for different folks and all that - but that was the biggest difference that I've seen, between people who dated around a lot, and people who just fell in love.

 

Sorry for the rambling, K - I was hoping to help you as you've always helped me, but all I can offer is my minimal experience on the subject.

[carhill]

Help me learn how to look for a serious relationships.

 

When socializing, watch how any particular person prosecutes their relationships, meaning friendships and family relations. Watch how they interact with strangers. Compare to your own interactions and relationship style. Is there synergy?

 

This can occur during the distant acquaintances period where people perhaps know of each other but don't really know each other or can occur during the dating period, where some rapport and mutual attraction has occurred.

[Kamille]

 

The only answer I can come up with, is that I haven't really ever DATED, per se. In the sense of dating multiple folks at a time, appraising them, the whole dating game thing synonymous with American sitcoms. Everything that happened, just happened organically, two people who got to know each other with time, gradually fell for each other, finally confessed our feelings for each other - and ta-dah, bf and gf.

 

 

I'm currently finally building social networks where I live. I'm finding on-line dating and multi-dating useful in that respect. It's helping me meet people, discover new parts of town, expand my social networks.

 

I agree that, for some reason, the current dating culture seems to promote the "make a move fast", "avoid the friend zone" approach. Thing is, that's probably not the mode for me. And it turns out I did meet men who prefer to develop a friendship first, before making a move. In fact, I would say the majority of the men I met from OLD fit that category.

 

And thanks for putting so much thoughtfulness in your answer. You're a sweetheart E .

[Kamille]

When socializing, watch how any particular person prosecutes their relationships, meaning friendships and family relations. Watch how they interact with strangers. Compare to your own interactions and relationship style. Is there synergy?

 

This can occur during the distant acquaintances period where people perhaps know of each other but don't really know each other or can occur during the dating period, where some rapport and mutual attraction has occurred.

 

Love this, thanks Carhill!

 

Also makes me think that having a period where you socialize together and with other people before deciding to commit is important.

 

ps: and ah, you know who, so far, has impressed me the most in that regard? Mr.Twenty-Something. He's proven in many conversations with others that he's a very caring and respectful person. Sigh:love:.

[Weezy1973]

Love this, thanks Carhill!

 

Also makes me think that having a period where you socialize together and with other people before deciding to commit is important.

 

ps: and ah, you know who, so far, has impressed me the most in that regard? Mr.Twenty-Something. He's proven in many conversations with others that he's a very caring and respectful person. Sigh:love:.

 

...oh, and don't get caught up in the age thing. If you're feeling it with the younger fella, go for it! Remember one of your own fundamentals: accept loss. Part of me thinks you defined this as only fling material to prevent yourself from getting hurt. That's a sure fire way to NOT get into a longterm relationship...

[tbf]

For instance: I'm dating guys in my age-range. Two of them I enjoy spending time with and getting to know. But then there's this much younger guy, whom I've known for a few months through friends. By now we both know we're attracted to each other (and it's both a physical and intellectual connection). But he is probably about 12 years younger than me. I'm pretty sure this guy could only be a fling - but, as a result, I seem to have more fun with him when we hang out.

As a consideration, would dating the young guy mean you'd put less pressure on yourself to commit?

[Kamille]

As a consideration, would dating the young guy mean you'd put less pressure on yourself to commit?

 

Yes. In fact, it has. We frequent the same cafe and often chat or do crosswords together. I never really considered him until a few days ago, after spending a great afternoon with him that ended with a kiss.

 

It's almost like when I think about wanting a serious relationship with someone one of two things happens:

1. I slow things down to a standstill and become indecisive.

2. When I start really liking someone, I tend to start second guessing myself on many things. Which is perhaps why flings have been my pathway to relationships in the past. If I don't think it's going to go anywhere, then it's much easier for me to be upfront about what I want.

[tbf]

Yes. In fact, it has. We frequent the same cafe and often chat or do crosswords together. I never really considered him until a few days ago, after spending a great afternoon with him that ended with a kiss.

The other two who are older. At what point are you with them? Have both or either shown serious investment yet?

[Kamille]

The other two who are older. At what point are you with them? Have both or either shown serious investment yet?

 

No. Neither of them have.

 

The first: we've been dating for awhile. He's definitely multi-dating. We've kissed and nothing more. He would like to escalate but I refused.

 

The second: we met last week and have a lot in common. We're both okay we being friends first, more if it develops. We frequently send jokes through text. We also live in the same neighbourhood and work on the same campus. So run ins will be frequent no matter what happens between us.

[tbf]

The first: we've been dating for awhile. He's definitely multi-dating. We've kissed and nothing more. He would like to escalate but I refused.

Has there been any discussion about exclusivity, prior to engaging or did you flat out reject him?

 

The second: we met last week and have a lot in common. We're both okay we being friends first, more if it develops. We frequently send jokes through text. We also live in the same neighbourhood and work on the same campus. So run ins will be frequent no matter what happens between us.

While fun to chit chat, sexual tension and chemistry don't appear to be strong with this one.

[carhill]

Example: How would you feel if a particular gentleman begged off a date because of a prior engagement with his best male friend? Compare to how you prioritize your interactions with your friends and dating partners.

 

The thrust of my comments are to determine both the meaning of 'serious' as it applies to your or a particular man's relationship style and to discover commonalities in how that style is prosecuted. If you/he demonstrate 'serious' in other aspects of interpersonal relationships, it follows that such a style is possible and likely to occur in romantic interpersonal relationships. Of course, the usual aspects of compatibility outside of 'serious' and attraction also apply. One can be 'serious' about relationships and still be incompatible with and/or unattractive to another.

 

Lastly, though generalities do have traction for guidance, chronological age may or may not be a factor in gauging 'serious', regarding relationships. We generally assign 'older' as being 'more serious' or 'serious' than younger, but that isn't always true. It can run both ways. That 20 year old could demonstrate marked aspects of being 'serious' about relationships and someone my age could demonstrate completely the opposite. IMO, it's individual. Each person is unique. Good luck.

[Kamille]

Has there been any discussion about exclusivity, prior to engaging or did you flat out reject him?

 

This happened at the end of our last date. I told him I didn't feel comfortable sleeping with someone I knew was seeing other people. We left it at that.

 

Now that I think about it, he hasn't contacted me much this week .

 

While fun to chit chat, sexual tension and chemistry don't appear to be strong with this one.

 

So far no, but, in my opinion, it's too soon to determine whether or not there is sexual chemistry. I'm the kind to need an intellectual or emotional connection in order to feel sexual chemistry.

[tbf]

Your responses have helped to form a better picture of what's happening. Instead of the young guy being a convenient excuse to run away from potential commitment, it sounds like he's the guy who's displayed the most interest without games or uncertainty.

[Kamille]

Your responses have helped to form a better picture of what's happening. Instead of the young guy being a convenient excuse to run away from potential commitment, it sounds like he's the guy who's displayed the most interest without games or uncertainty.

 

Nice! Very true. It is, to borrow Elswith phrase, the most "organic" of all three relationships.

 

Still, I don't feel I'm at a point where I'm ready to get serious with any of those guys. To be frank, I'm open to meeting other men until I do.

 

Which is why the central question for me remains: how do I date knowing what I want is a serious relationship?

[tbf]

Which is why the central question for me remains: how do I date knowing what I want is a serious relationship?

 

You're already doing it but on an intuitive level, rather than a concrete level.

 

Still, I don't feel I'm at a point where I'm ready to get serious with any of those guys. To be frank, I'm open to meeting other men until I do.

 

Two haven't sufficiently intrigued you enough to want to invest so you're open to dating others. With the young guy, your common sense is telling you that he's too young to expect any serious, long-term investment. It's unfortunate this guy's not in his late twenties.

[carhill]

Which is why the central question for me remains: how do I date knowing what I want is a serious relationship?

 

Here's my perspective: When I date a lady, I'm looking for a life partner, companion and spouse. There's a good reason why I haven't dated in over three years, post-divorce. I have no interest in that now and I also have no interest in casual social interactions with unknown persons. I have a valuable group of friends for that kind of interaction. For myself, sex is confined to committed relationships or marriage. That's my style of 'serious'.

 

What's yours? Whatever it is, it's valid for you and the work is finding interactions which support and validate it in a natural way. If you're unclear, clarify. IME, that's a positive by-product of 'alone time', meaning time away from pursuing relationships and spent working on and/or understanding self.

[candie13]

best way to get into a LTR is to just take your time and be yourself. Get to know your potential partner and see if you really like them. No games. I think the more games you play, the more complicated it gets to know someone.

 

And don't have sex soon. Sex just complicates things. So ideally, before sleeping with your guy, see if you like them as a person. If they are reliable. Honest. How they deal with difficult situations.

 

I don't think there's a secret receipt tp have a LTR. Sometimes is just clicks. However, jumping in the sack early is for sure a receipt for disaster. Especially if you like that person.

 

I also agree to seeing how that person interacts with his friends. Getting to know his friends. His hobbies. It gives you an idea about your potential compatibility, especially if you want to spend a lot of time with that person. Musical tastes, opinions about the world... about life, about having a family.

 

To me, it's very important to have 3 things, maybe four things in common:

- a common set of values

- common goals

- at least a few hobbies - dancing, cooking, music or whatever else is important to you

- patience, transparency and willingness to compromise in order to make things work

[Kamille]

That's my style of 'serious'.

 

What's yours? Whatever it is, it's valid for you and the work is finding interactions which support and validate it in a natural way. If you're unclear, clarify. IME, that's a positive by-product of 'alone time', meaning time away from pursuing relationships and spent working on and/or understanding self.

 

Interesting question - which I think of as: how do I want to feel and be in a serious relationship? I guess once that is clear, I can pay attention to the men/man who bring it out of me.

 

Here's a preliminary list:

 

I know that I want to feel:

Accepted

Cherished

Supported

Attractive

Funny

 

 

I know that I want us to be:

Able to share and understand each other's passion (for whatever it is he is passionate about)

Able to communicate easily (and that it be accepted that no one communicates perfectly)

Both value intimacy

Open to each other.

 

 

 

I know that I am (these things I don't see changing):

A tad obsessed with work aka world issues.

Hard on myself

Loves thinking outside the box / arguing (but only when done respectfully)

Funny

Reasonable

Need time alone

Like to live a healthy lifestyle

Impatient at times

Learning to communicate my needs better.

[Star Gazer]

Good advice! Any practical tips on how to figure out those traits?

 

Right now, the only things that come to my mind are

1. Take the time needed to get to know the person

 

This.

 

Also, look for someone who's also looking for a serious relationship. It's part of open and honest communication. Talk about what you're looking for, in the general sense, and see if his goals and values align with yours.

[Weezy1973]

Also, from what I've seen, people who get into monogamous, long term relationship easily, don't multidate. Multidating strikes me as always keeping one foot out the door; never wanting to commit fully to anything because 'the one' might come along at any moment.

 

One of my good friends is fond of saying "love is a choice." In other words, you find someone who shares some of your values and who you have similar goals with and commit. You work on it. You choose love. I think a lot of people are waiting to be struck by lightning. Or they're looking for some sort of a sign so they know that they are committing to the right person. Things don't really work that way...

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would caution you not to get caught up in the young guy. He can't give you what you need (a serious relationship) and your gut is telling you that. If you are up for a fun fling and can do that without losing your head; sure go for it.

[xxoo]

If you are looking for a serious relationship, don't date casually. Don't date guys you wouldn't have a serious relationship with (the young guy). Stop dating men after they've clearly demonstrated the aren't interested in something serious (the guy who pushed for sex before exclusivity).

[Eternal Sunshine]

If you are looking for a serious relationship, don't date casually. Don't date guys you wouldn't have a serious relationship with (the young guy). Stop dating men after they've clearly demonstrated the aren't interested in something serious (the guy who pushed for sex before exclusivity).

 

That's what someone told me as well. That I am caught up in multi-dating and flings and that's the type of energy I put out there. That I would be better off pursing non-dating hobbies until I met someone I really liked and who wanted a serious relationship.