starlet86 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Why does it seem my ex gives me more attention when I am doing NC? Also he found out some dude gave me a lift (I know the guy we were going in the same direction, it was pouring down) and now this guy is supposedly an idiot and retarded and a loser. He's never even seen him let alone spoken to him. I don't get my ex at all. I done this thing last night where I said after the 11th missed call, if he calls again I will answer. He called again and I answered with a curt "what" incase it was something urgent to do with work (we work closely together) and the first thing he says is, "Are you not speaking to me? Why haven't you replied to any my texts, I have been calling you for days. You blanked me in work when I tried to ask!!!" I just said, "what ever you think we have to speak about, you didn't want to speak about it when you had so many chances" he told me "stop this, talk to me. I hate this. I hate you not speaking to me. Please stop this." I replied, "no because nothing is going to change and I hate this to'ing and fro'ing. Just stop talking to me and eventually it will become normal to you." He sounded like he was about to cry and said, "so it feels normal to you now that you don't speak to me?" MASSIVE red light went up, I knew what he was trying! I just sighed and said. "words are empty without actions. I can't do this to myself continuously." This followed, "it will change, it's about to. After this week you are going to be sick of the sight of me. Things will be good again." I hung up at that point. The conversation was going to go round in circles. Thing is, it isn't normal not speaking to him. It hurts. I check my phone. I hope for the actions to follow the words. I have just given up hope. As I've told him, "whenever I expect something from you, all I am left with is disappointment." He didn't like that. NC is hard, especially when it makes your ex take notice more. When he NC'd me, I didn't contact him. I took the hint. I also can't shake this niggling feeling that there is someone else and he's unsure so I am good to have on the back burner. I remember when I thought being a grown up was going to be easier. I'd happily be 15 and be scared of my dad (rip) seeing me holding hands with a boy.
aloneinaz Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Sorry, but I think you enjoy the attention he's giving you and you don't want to let go. He's not telling you what you want to hear so why break NC? You're ALLOWING him to keep you on the back burner. You don't owe him $hit. You don't owe him to reply to a text or a call. He dumped you and wanted to find someone else. Again, YOU DON'T OWE him any consideration. You're never going to get over him and move on to someone who WANTS to be w/you if you keep allowing this PUTZ to mind *uck you. My ex ended our toxic relationship. She'll NEVER hear from me again. EVER.. If she contacted me she'd hear crickets.. 2
Author starlet86 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Sorry, but I think you enjoy the attention he's giving you I am not going to lie, of course I do. I actually like that for once he is seeing how I felt and trying to get my attention. I answered the phone because we work together and I thought that maybe after 11 missed calls there may be an emergency at work. We are both key holders, we take it in turns to lock up at night. It was his night to lock up last night, how was I to know it wasn't something to do with work? I ended the call when I realised exactly what he was doing and I went straight back to NC. I ignore him in work when he tries to question the fact I am not speaking to him. If he even tries to ask me how I am, I just say, "is there figures you need me to look at." He looks confused and says, "no" and I walk away. I am trying to get over him. All I want to know is why is it, when you decide to start moving on with your life THAT is when they start bothering their back side.
aloneinaz Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Ok, be honest Star- You picked up because you wanted to talk to him and were curious. I get that. If it was a work issue, he would of left you a voice mail stating that fact, not been a moron and called you repeatedly. I don't know what you do but is changing jobs an option? I wouldn't want to see my ex everyday. To your question about why do they come back when you're moving on? That appears to be the great mystery of life. Recognize that a lot of dumpers NEVER come back. Their mind is made up at the time of ending it. I've ended all but my last relationship. I re-approached a couple of them after some time passed only because I was either lonely or wanted sex or some attention while I was in a dry spell in dating. I never wanted them back for a relationship. I think this is why lots of dumpers reengage back with a dumpee. They haven't found anyone better or they are lonely and fall back to what they believe will be familiar and easy for them. My sister was dating this guy for a couple of years. She loved him big time. He broke up with her. She mind *ucked him a couple of weeks later sending flowers to her job (they worked in the same office), ballons, etc. It rattled him to think she moved on so quickly and he started chasing her again. They ended up getting married and still are 20 years later. That's the other reason dumpers sometimes come back. They see their ex move on and start dating someone else and panic. Again, not all of them but some..
Author starlet86 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Ok I was a little curious, but did wonder if it was work related. I never pick up my voicemails, so he'd know not to leave them. I don't know what you do but is changing jobs an option? I wouldn't want to see my ex everyday. I actually hate seeing my ex everyday at work. It makes it harder, because naturally if we are working on something together, in the office, door closed, just us everyone starts talking. It's horrible. My break up was horrible enough without that. I do however love my job. I never had the qualifications I needed to go to University and get a degree in my job, but it was all I wanted to do. I didn't have the experience or anything, but decided to apply on a whim when a position became available and my boss seen potential in me and offered me a trainee position, offered to pay for my training and all he's asked for in return is 2 years service from me. It is the opportunity of a life time and as I signed a contract stating that from the date I accepted my employment I would be held in contract by them for 24 months, I can't just up and leave because my relationship ended. My ex gets to take more away from me. I have asked though if there is a way I can do my job at another site where I know a position is going to be coming available in late August and they have put me in for the transfer, however there are another 6 candidates who are looking for a transfer for reasons such as travel distance, child care etc and everyone's reasons will be looked at individually.
Author starlet86 Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 So my ex completed the deal today. I knew he was completing at 11am and didn't really expect to hear from him. At 11.30 he called me at work (we work together but he had the day off) and told me it was done. He told me to go get my stuff and meet him for lunch. I said I couldn't, it was a rather hectic day and I wasn't just about to walk out like that. He was understanding and said he'd pop round to mine later. I just said I had to go. So he left about 2 hours ago, with the engagement ring he brought and proposed to me with. Most dumpees dream come true, right? I thought so too. Then when he was there, on one knee, saying everything I wanted to hear and more something switched in me. I don't know what it was. I wanted to say yes, but no came out. I just said, "no." Confused? Me too. What has happened to me? I love this guy, so why when he's offering me everything I wanted, did I say, "no." Part of me still resents him for everything he has done to me and is angry he thinks that just because he's sorted what he had to out he expects me just to fall at his feet. I don't want that. I want to spend time together again, no pregnancy drama, no house drama, no big deal drama. I want to talk like we used to again. I want to feel secure and loved again. I want to date and do things we said we would but never did because everything else got in the way. I just don't think he realises that we have to work on so much. I always thought when he asked me to marry him, I would say, "yes." but I didn't and now I feel more hurt than ever by him, because once again he by passed completely what I said I wanted and jumped right in for what he wanted. I feel betrayed.
destroyed4sho Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Your gut is telling you NO and that is what came out. A person that dismisses your feelings and needs is not a person that you can have a real loving relationship with.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I'm guessing you have another thread that explains the back story? Whatever happened, if you said no once he sorted things out, there's clearly a reason as to why. It sounds like your self-respect won over, in this scenario. If he really hurt you back then, and you haven't forgiven the event in which he hurt you, then it's probably for the best. It doesn't mean you don't love him; it means you love yourself enough to know you deserve better. But, in the event you would give things another try, make sure it's because you really, truly want to. Only do so if you believe he can truly change those aspects that resulted in him hurting you in the first place.
Author starlet86 Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 Basically the back story is, we had a whirlwind romance. Everything happened extremely quickly after us meeting at work and just clicking. For the both of us it was all there straight away. We moved in together almost immediately and started the process of buying his home together. Due to mistakes in both our past we were finding it very hard to get the mortgage company to give us a mortgage. The property we were trying to buy was being sold by the landlord and he cracked at the thought of us all being homeless. He started messing up with other important things. I was trying to grieve the death of my father and we started fighting because he couldn't support me and deal with everything else as well. I became a mess, he became unbearable and although we both decided to end the relationship it was really him doing the dumping as I was willing to try and fix things together. Then I found out I was pregnant and I done the right thing and told him. We are both in our early 30's with children from previous relationships and we had already said we'd start trying for a family in a few months, we were together when I fell pregnant, we just didn't know until a week after we broke up. He basically told me he wouldn't support me, I would be on my own with no help at all and if the child ever did wish to know who it's father is, he would deny all knowledge of even knowing me. In the end I made a decision and went through with something I didn't want to do with absolutely no support from him. He wouldn't even come and see me the day of the procedure to bring me pain medicine. It was a very dark and horrible time. I found out he was securing this big deal and it had taken priority over me and what I was going through. Then 2 weeks later he came to me for financial support to complete the deal and I guess I wasn't thinking straight and loaned him the money. Then I loaned him some more. We met up a few times and things were ok. There wasn't any nastiness or horribleness but then one day he ignored me and I was having a really bad day and pulled him up on it and told him I hated him and regretted what I had done and then went NC. He left me alone, I left him alone but we worked together quite closely. I thought I was over him, but then we started talking about work related things and he started texting and calling me more about this big deal and really leaning on me. In time I realised I still had feelings for him, the regret from what I had done started to fade and I realised I had done the right thing, but I went back to NC because it was easier to push him away than admit how I felt and be rejected. He has since told me that he does still want me, he just needs to sort himself, complete this deal and we can begin. This brings us up to the proposal. We talked about it, well actually shouted about it the early hours of saturday morning and I told him my reasons for saying no. That I was scared he'd leave again, that I wanted to work through our problems before jumping the gun and he seemed to find this fair enough and he told me we would and he wasn't going anywhere. Then my car broke down about a mile from his house yesterday. I tried to call him as he knows his way around a car, but he didn't answer. I decided I'd walk round and see if he could maybe jump start me, but he wasn't there. I called break down, got my car towed and left it. I then tried to call him last night and nothing. I think it is safe to say, he didn't get what he wanted when he wanted it and has now gone NC on me. He's not really put in any effort since I told him why I had said no, so that tells me I made the right decision and I have now decided just to leave contacting him. It is for the best. If he's mature enough to put in an offer and work his ass off to get something and accomplish it. Then I know he is mature enough to put in the effort and work his ass off to win my trust again and repair the foundations in our relationship, the difference being. I just don't think he wants to.
Author starlet86 Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 So I have finally cut the cord. Told my ex that basically I don't want to be treated like an option and that I had people who made an effort to treat me properly without expecting anything from me, who valued me and my feelings. There was no, "I care about you and wish it was different" just a straight up, look this is done now. It's through. We can't keep pretending things are going to change because they never will and it will be worse if I end up married to you just because I was too scared to stand up for myself. I had initially toyed with the idea of trying as friends as he seemed quite eager for that, then became distant and passive. I asked if he wanted to meet tonight to chat (the guy proposed to me on Friday) and he said he couldn't as he was going to do some online shopping. If you ask me he asked me to marry him as a last ditch attempt to drive me away from him. I think if I had said yes, he would have been calling it off by now. Proposing to me and me saying no made it easier for him to let me down again. I feel so much lighter now I've told him just to go away. 1
Recommended Posts