jlola Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 (edited) I have a very close cousin who has been married 10 years and has 2 small children. About 2 years ago, her husband (they divorced)left her for another woman . He said he was no longer in love with BS but OW is his soulmate. It was very difficult for her and her 2 boys. But she managed. Even harder, our culture is very tight knit. So it means the circle is small. Everyone knows your business and occasionally she would run into xH and OW at gatherings. So she stopped going because it was too painful for her. During the time of separation her husband also did many thoughtless things to bring more pain. Recently her ex has said he made a mistake and wants her back. He claims he was going through a depression or a midlife crisis or something. She is considering this because she still loves him. Not my business so I keep out of this. But am I wrong in thinking her husband's disrespect went too far? How can anyone welcome back someone who rejected you for another and it took over 2 years to realize his mistake? If the OW had been all of what he thought, he would probably not even be speaking to my cousin now. It would have been one thing for him to have an affair, but chosen his marriage on Dday. But the chose the OW and moved out is beyond painful. So she is second choice. Now he has regrets? I really love my cousin and cannot see her being hurt again. Edited June 28, 2013 by jlola
BetrayedH Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I certainly hear you on this. She ended up second choice and it sure took him a hell of a long time to get a clue (all the way thru a divorce, no less). All that said, everyone draws the line in a different place when it comes to reconciliation. As much as being second choice "should" be a dealbreaker, just having an affair "should" be a dealbreaker, too. Both are pretty brutal rejections. I think the key gets down to true remorse, as usual. I would see 2-5 years of hard work in his future, including all of the typical expectations of transparency snd so forth. There's no just "getting over it" with this any more than any other affair. If he can do the hard work and she thinks she can forgive if he does, more power to them. She apparently says she loves him and that's the only decent reason I know to consider giving someone a second chance (provided that he's truly remorseful). In the end, I suspect she deserves a chance to recover her marriage as much as any other BS. As for you, I'd support her and provide wise counsel as she tries to determine if he's doing enough and what she should be doing. You've been here long enough to know.
Author jlola Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 I really have not spoken with her about this. But I noticed something strange. In my culture infidelity is "accepted" especially for the males. But this has a lot of family members against her. There are many who will not speak with her anymore including her own brother. They feel she has been disrespected greatly. It is strange that affairs are ok and turned a blind eye to. But leaving your spouse for an affair partner is something unacceptable. My sister left her husband in her first marriage for AP. But noone knew,but siblings.. She still denies it till this day. I feel so bad for my cousin. She looked so thoroughly embarrassed at a family function awhile back.
Steen719 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 jlola & BH, I have been thinking about this a lot lately, with the advent of my X surfacing when he and his gf fight and break up. Always asking how can I get past this...ummm...what? You know, honestly, I don't think he misses me. I do think he misses what I represented; stability, someone who was always there, being in a family, financial support, his son's respect, etc. He has always looked back at his past as something he missed and maybe I am relegated to that now - who knows? I don't think it is that he does not have regrets; I think he does, but in my case, at least, I think it is easier to look at me as a possibility because I am a known entity and all that goes with that. I would not take him back. He is not trustworthy. I deserved better than I got from him and his character is too predictable since he did this to me twice. But I might feel differently if it was the first time. My view is sort of jaded, too, but I feel for her. It would be tempting, I guess, if I still loved him.
Just a Guy Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Hi Jlola, Sorry to read about your cousin. I would say that it would be incumbent on you to at least advise your cousin to avoid further heart break by accepting back her husband. Culture or no culture this just seems so disgusting. Tell her she does not have to be a doormat. She has managed for two years and she can now go on on her own or, if she is still at an age where another man will accept her as a wife then she should look out for such a man. What country or place do you belong to? I have never heard of such a terrible norm being imposed on women. Infidelity anywhere is Not par for the course so to say. Warm Wishes to you!
Author jlola Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Hi Jlola, Sorry to read about your cousin. I would say that it would be incumbent on you to at least advise your cousin to avoid further heart break by accepting back her husband. Culture or no culture this just seems so disgusting. Tell her she does not have to be a doormat. She has managed for two years and she can now go on on her own or, if she is still at an age where another man will accept her as a wife then she should look out for such a man. What country or place do you belong to? I have never heard of such a terrible norm being imposed on women. Infidelity anywhere is Not par for the course so to say. Warm Wishes to you! come from a latin culture. The reason most are upset with her is because in our culture, if wife or husband leaves you for another person. It is the ultimate slap in the face and lack of respect. Funny how when the men cheat, they turn a blind eye. Leaving her for another woman and being gone for so long is what is upsetting. She has not said anything to me, so I have not given advice. But I have noted there are very few situations where the husband actually leaves to be with the OW. Seems a rare occurrence and I would gather an extra dose of pain comes with that.
Just a Guy Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I don't get it! Why her? She has not done anything wrong and if anything it is the husband who needs to be ostracized. It is like adding insult to injury. Guess you can still speak to her since you are well aware of things and I guess she too, knows that people know the facts. It is the least you can do. It would be a kind act and if anything she needs some one to be kind to her in this situation. Otherwise she is going to suffer a double humiliation if and when she takes her husband back.Warm Wishes!
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 come from a latin culture. The reason most are upset with her is because in our culture, if wife or husband leaves you for another person. It is the ultimate slap in the face and lack of respect. Funny how when the men cheat, they turn a blind eye. Leaving her for another woman and being gone for so long is what is upsetting. She has not said anything to me, so I have not given advice. But I have noted there are very few situations where the husband actually leaves to be with the OW. Seems a rare occurrence and I would gather an extra dose of pain comes with that. It's not so rare. My father did it. His brother did it too. It's possible another uncle did it as well...but I'm not sure in that case (they both remarried fast, and I think she had cheated many years before) Infidelity, destroying families everywhere....
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