madmax87 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 My girlfriend and I ended our relationship of eight months back in April. It's been a rough two months for me since, well, nothing went wrong other than she was no longer feeling it. She decided I wasn't for her. I spent the first month being angry and confused. I harassed her, asked unfair questions, and made accusations. I spent June minimizing my contact, but still making the mistake of getting emotional when I did contact her, this time claiming to "accept it" and that I am "okay" while still expressing that I miss her. As of last night I opened communication with her. It went well until I once again said I was doing alright, talking about the relationship. I asked if she wanted to hang out now that I live nearby, and she said "I wouldn't mind seeing you if you didn't do this every time we make contact, y'know." Then I exacerbated things. I went on to say "You think I want you to think of me/remember me as your whiny ex?" She responded with, "You're doing the worst job, dude. I don't WANT to be mean, but it's difficult." I then said that I'm sorry, I don't want to be remembered this way, and the day she reaches out to me she won't hear me lament about things or go on about my feelings. I thanked her for confirming what I fear about myself. Then, this morning I shot her a message apologizing and stating that I'll leave her alone until I no longer feel the need to announce how I feel. I told her I hope we could be something other than exes and facebook friends down the line. She didn't respond. I know I have to give her space at this point. I know I have to get over it. I suppose the tough thing for me is accepting that I may have destroyed any chance for reconciliation with her. I want to think that in a month or two I could talk to her, or that she'll reach out to me, but after this, I don't think it's likely to happen. How does one cope with this?
athousandquestions Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Man.... Stop talking to her. Delete her number. She just made it abundantly clear that not only does she NOT CARE if you guys continue to talk, but she thinks you're WHINING. This girl sees you as pathetic. She will not want to get back together or even befriend someone with such low self-respect. D e l e t e her from your life now. Save the last OUNCE of self-respect you have and go to the gym. You need to start working on yourself, you need to gain some confidence. Having contact with her will make this harder for you, will make her lose more respect for you, and will inhibit you from moving on. IF IT IS MEANT TO BE, IT WILL BE, REGARDLESS OF WHAT IS SAID RIGHT NOW. But for RIGHT NOW you need to work on seriously improving yourself to make you happier. 2
SimonSerenade Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Well considering everything you said and did is built in to human nature, I'm sure you can forgive yourself for your mistakes and stay away from her from now on, some people can handle friendships after a relationship has ended and some can't, it sounds like your one of those people that can't, it doesn't matter what she thinks of you now, it doesn't even matter how your remembered, you don't need her approval or her validation, you did your best to get her back, you shouldn't regret that, you'd probably regret it if you didn't, take some time out to yourself and accept its out of your hands now, if she's made a mistake I'm sure she'll come back, in the mean time, focus on you and only you, redeem your self worth and when your ready, try and find somebody who won't leave you or treat you bad for being a sensitive guy, some people can handle men like that and for some it's just too much, it's just unfortunate man, that's all it is, you'll be alright in the end, keep your chin up. 2
theonlyjuan Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Me and my ex had a similar breakup. I gave up hope of us getting back together straight away. I think it's important to do that early on. If it happens, then great. If it doesn't then at least I have moved on. I'm just giving her space and trying to get used to be alone and work on myself. You have to learn to be selfish and enjoy living for yourself. Do things that make you happy. It will get lonely at times and you will think about her. The more time that passes the more used to it you get. You will soon accept it and move on. Just leave her be for a while. For yours and her benifit 2
Author madmax87 Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 I wasn't even trying to get her back. I mean, of course I was hoping she'd come around, but that's stopped. I guess because she has a history of staying in touch with exes, and the fact that I live so close now (I just moved to the city for grad school, and she lives a mere ten minutes from me on the train), makes me long for her company. It would've been nice to hang out with someone like her, someone outside of my grad school cohort. It almost seemed like she'd have been willing to hang out if I didn't pour my heart out all the time. Now she thinks I'm pathetic, and it sucks. I'm sure I'll get a happy birthday on Facebook, but that's about all the contact I expect now. It's really too bad. As of today I took her off of my feed, so I don't see what's going on with her in the general Facebook news, and I hid her from the chat list. I deleted her number weeks ago, and have also hidden her on gchat. I have been exercising, and my studies are going well. I think I'll take a weekend job to stay busy as well. I just hope I didn't do irreparable damage. I mean, I may have, and that's really a shame.
iouaname Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Oh trust me, I understand this completely. The thing is - you need to not take everything on-board. You may have made mistakes, but you're only 50% responsible for anything that happens between you and your ex. You're responsible for you, and she's responsible for her - so you need to just focus on you. You might have pushed her away with all of this, but honestly, maybe that's what you needed to move on. And maybe she will reach out one day in the future. Maybe she won't. Regardless, once you've moved past the relationship - it won't matter to you. 1
Author madmax87 Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 See I don't hold myself 100% accountable for the breakup. I hold myself accountable for the loony, clingy, immature response to the breakup. It's weird, I do see the most recent mistake as a reason to move on. She thinks I'm pathetic, and therefore I have no choice but to move on. Sure, that works. It'd just be nice knowing that she'll forgive and forget that sometime. The only person that knows that, however, is her. I'm not going to get that answer when I expect it, if ever at all.
iouaname Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 See I don't hold myself 100% accountable for the breakup. I hold myself accountable for the loony, clingy, immature response to the breakup. It's weird, I do see the most recent mistake as a reason to move on. She thinks I'm pathetic, and therefore I have no choice but to move on. Sure, that works. It'd just be nice knowing that she'll forgive and forget that sometime. The only person that knows that, however, is her. I'm not going to get that answer when I expect it, if ever at all. No I understand completely, I feel a lot of the same. It's in the past, though. You can't take those actions back, so you can only do the second best thing: forgive yourself for them, learn from them, and don't repeat them. If she thinks you're 'pathetic,' then honestly, she's not someone you want in your life. Yes, maybe you brought it on yourself. But she was in a relationship with you and she knows you, and I think that if someone truly loved you and cared for you - they would never think you're pathetic. I think that she will. Time heals. Once you get on with your life, these things tend to work themselves out. 1
Sneaky Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 This sounds very similar to my situation at one point. I couldn't accept that my ex would be out of my life so I did everything I could to stop that, which was of course the wrong thing to do. For the longest time even after I started NC I kept thinking about how after a few months, I was going to apologize for how I handled the break up. But I’m at nearly four weeks of no contact now and I don’t feel like that anymore. I’m not planning to contact her at all. I'm not going to lie though; it still sucks and it still hurts. It's lonely and often it feels like I'm just sitting around waiting for time to pass. But I feel like I've gained some control and perspective, not to mention regrew a spine. So yeah, like the rest here said, if it’s meant to be things will work out naturally, you can’t force it.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Definitely give her space. I know what it's like sometimes, when you tell yourself not to contact someone, or that if you do, to not say that one thing that might cause problems-and you scream in your head at yourself to not do it as you're doing it, but it still happens, anyway. I've been there-both in person, and via text (I'm one of those people who immediately curses themselves upon hitting the "send" button). Your honesty wasn't a bad thing; however, it was overwhelming for her, as you did it too frequently. I know now you're likely feeling a great deal of shame, because it's an aspect of yourself-at least when you're feeling vulnerable-that you can't stand. Best thing to do is, leave her be, which should prove to her you are capable of self restraint. Maybe she will contact you later on down the road, once she's sure you can handle it-maybe she won't. Whatever happens, forgive yourself for your flaws, and do all you can to move on from this. Let it be a learning experience, which will help you to refrain from doing this same thing in the future.
SimonSerenade Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 It doesn't matter if she forgives you or not, there's nothing to forgive, you have feelings and you expressed them, if she's a good person she'll over look it, if she's a bitch she'll hold it against you, either way nobody would blame you for what you did in your situation as EVERYBODY does it, so long as you didn't go to her house singing the script songs outside her window, I'm sure you'll be just fine. 1
Sneaky Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 It doesn't matter if she forgives you or not, there's nothing to forgive, you have feelings and you expressed them, if she's a good person she'll over look it, if she's a bitch she'll hold it against you, either way nobody would blame you for what you did in your situation as EVERYBODY does it, so long as you didn't go to her house singing the script songs outside her window, I'm sure you'll be just fine. This is pretty much the reason I don't feel the need to apologize anymore. Well said.
Author madmax87 Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 Well, part of me feels that she might hold this against me, not because she was a bitch, but because it's an aspect of myself she dealt with, my neurosis and anxiety, that she no longer has to deal with because we've broken up. I know my anxiety played some role in our breakup. We never fought, but she fell out of love AND was growing tired of my anxiety. It wears on someone, y'know? Now I feel like my anxiety has poisoned my image in her eyes...permanently.
Author madmax87 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Also, I started to feel better because this recent collapse gives me no choice but to move on. STARTED to. It still hurts. Every day. I miss her terribly. I still, y'know, love her.
forgetmenot75 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 You need to refrain yourself. You need to go NC. Don;t you see it's pretty over for her? The way she talks to you, she has all the power and no respect for your feelings. Regain your power and go NC. Your emotions are all over the place right now, and the only thing you'll get is that she will remember you as the clingy and needy ex boyfriend who couldn't stop chasing her.
Author madmax87 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Oh I know. I should've gone NC all along. I know it's over for her. I know she sees me that way. It's just so painful. You wake thinking about someone you lost every morning. You think about her every minute of the day, no matter how many distractions there are.
forgetmenot75 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Time will heal your wounds. Just stick to NC and regain your power and your self respect. You don't need her to be happy again.
Author madmax87 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) I appreciate everyone's input so far. I know I'll heal with time and eventually it won't matter to me what she thinks, but we really did have something nice as long as it lasted, and I wouldn't want her to remember me as a clingy sap. I mean, I have been one until now, as she said I was "doing the worst job, dude" at not being a whiny ex. She and I share some mutual friends and now have some common geography, so it'd be nice if, say four to six months from now, I heard from her in a pleasant and forgiving way. I realize I've said all of this already. It's just a rough spot to be in, and I find myself repeating myself. Also, I DID hear back from another ex whom I had a terrible relationship with, and we arrived at some catharsis some two years after the split. I'm not looking to wallow and lose sleep over this one for two years. I guess I have to convince myself that the current ex's opinion of me doesn't matter in the long run (though for now it still feels as though it does). My sister said unfortunately, she'll always remember her ex who did this stuff after their break up, for his post-breakup behavior. Not at the forefront, but in the back of her mind. Edited July 2, 2013 by madmax87
Author madmax87 Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 That's what the ex said to me during that conversation from last week, the one right before I posted here initially and started to go NC. When I said it'd been two months, and that I accept that I wasn't for her, she said "Months ain't nothing, sometimes it takes years. I'd say get friendly with the feeling." To me, this says she's totally, 100% finished with me, and not coming back, ever. Get friendly with the feeling that there's no second chance. That's at a tough one.
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