monkey00 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 So I guess this guy used to go out with my gf for around 6 months duration which was 5 years ago. They were co-workers on the floor and I'm not sure the details but it sounded like they split due to being in a different place in life. I guess some time after that his department moved to another building in the city and they recently moved back temporarily to her building. They ran into each other at her work building and I'm not sure but I think my gf was the one who asked to meet up for tea to catch up. So they met up briefly yesterday during lunch and caught up with each other's lives...it sounded pretty innocent to me as she told me details about their conversation. And the fact my gf didn't keep it a secret from me makes this situation sound okay. But she didn't technically ask for my permission the day before and only brought it up briefly. She also mentioned we both have the same build...which sounded a little messed up like she was comparing me to him. Is this yay or nay? Should I have put my foot down? Was she trying to make me jealous? Was she expecting me to say no to not have tea with him?
Author monkey00 Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 yea. why would she need to ask permission from you? Idk, out of respect for me? why not ask?
gaius Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Time to start having drink dates with one of your ex's since it's acceptable behavior in the relationship. 1
Southern Cal Dude Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 If it was reversed, would she be in favor of it? Highly doubt it.
Author monkey00 Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Exactly. Finally some guys here who get my point. It's unfortunate that I don't hang out with any of my exes.
AMusing Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Ok, I have to ask: have you told her it's bothering you? 1
pteromom Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Yay. What's the big deal? They met for tea in the middle of the day. She told you about it. I would have a big problem with having to ask permission to have lunch with someone. She's an adult. I would drop it and not bring it up again. Now if she starts regularly seeing him, or if she starts texting with him, or meeting him for dinner, then sure, have a convo about how you are feeling.
pteromom Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Exactly. Finally some guys here who get my point. It's unfortunate that I don't hang out with any of my exes. A relationship isn't a competition, and if you approach it in that way - with a mindset of tit for tat and keeping score - you won't be in a relationship for long. She's an adult. She can have lunch with whomever she chooses, as can you. You have to trust each other.
Phantom888 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 It would bother me, though i dont think I'd have a right to expect her to ask for my permission. I mean, you don't own her. The fact that she was honest about it shows that this guy is nothing to her now. I think I would tell her it kinda bothers me, but I'm cool because Im not insecure.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Depends on how you look at it... Nay Because she obviously has feelings and interest in this guy if she really wants to meet the guy for tea, if she was over it then she'd just have been like "thanks but no thanks, take care and have a good life" so I think there's obviously some interest there, especially her meeting this guy without having mentioned anything to you...what if she was interested in what was going to happen or take place first? not that they would have done anything, but maybe she wanted to see how she felt first. This is someone she has been romantic with an intimate in the past, that IMO is always treading on dangerous ground. Her telling you is to me just a way of relieving some guilt of what she done, since it was after the fact...I think she felt obligated and responsible to tell you for the sake of her own conscience because you don't just meet someone from the past out of the blue like that. And I doubt she wants to feel like she is hiding something, even if she won't admit that interest or feelings to you nor herself...she wants it to be "platonic". Yay Because she did tell you after all and this is not something she is necessarily trying to hide. Maybe she is kind of over it to an extent, but as long as she's with you she doesn't feel the need to stray. Maybe she's happy and confident in her relationship and just needed to squash some old love interest to make sure she was ready to move on from that emotionally. Maybe this gave her more confidence and reassurance in the your current relationship and recognized she doesn't want to be with that guy. To me the most responsible and respectful action would have been to let you know, not so much as to ask your permission but since she was meeting a past interest that can be definitely seen as shady behavior. In that way she was asking you to trust her behavior, because to me everything after the fact is a bit premeditated an intentional act to avoid any judgment or consequence in you being against it...which is not something great for a serious committed relationship...it's about mutual respect and boundaries, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks outside of it, it matters what the person you are with thinks and feels....that's priority. I also think if she was completely done with this guy she would have never seen him...being the chance she was single, that might have been a rekindling of an old flame...and if he's mr unavailable because he didn't want a relationship, that can be very attractive to some women, especially if he's coming back a "changed" man and she felt he had a lot of strong "potential"...you might have been the rebound or the "nice guy" compromise she made with herself afterwards...without knowing much detail of her past relationship with this guy don't hold me to it, I'm just throwing out a scenario that I've seen in your circumstance in regards to that...but being that she met him again, definitely raises and eye-brow and questions IMO...a lot of times women so much as "warn" you when they are feeling a certain way, they give these clues...men do much of the same as well.
CherryT Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Put your foot down? On what? The rules that were not discussed? Sure, it's probably uncomfortable but they were only dating for 6 months. Not much of a substantial relationship, especially since they broke up and was in the same city and never kept in touch. Also this happened 5 years ago... You might be a little sensitive on that part. I don't think "asking for permission" is appropriate, because you don't "own" her. However, she should treat you with a little more respect in the sense that she should've told you before she asked him out and asked if you were OK with it. My BF and I both have had long term relationships in the past. He was with his ex for EIGHT years and I was with mine for a handful of years. I spent the majority of the years prior to meeting him single but he was with his ex and broke up and started dating me within the same year. Obviously both ended differently and neither of us still talk to our ex's. I'm probably more friendly with mine than he is... however, out of respect he does ask me if I'm OK with him seeing her siblings. I understand that after 8 years you build friendships with their family. I would never deny him of that and they are very supportive of our relationship. In fact most of them have sided with my BF as his ex didn't treat him very well. Anyway - that's besides the point. The point is, you can't demand for her to ask for permission or you'll put your foot down. However, it's something that she should do out of respect. If you're uncomfortable with it, you should tell her that you don't mind but you'd like a heads up before it happens. That it makes you feel better that at least your feelings were considered, even though you don't mind. I would never ask my BF for permission and I would never expect him to ask me for permission. But I do expect that we consider each other FIRST before we do something. I'd approach it in that angle and if she reacts well to it (sometimes people just don't realize that even the small things can feel inconsiderate) then you know the genuinely didn't mean to bug you. If she get's defensive, then I'd wonder. This approach has worked well for my BF and I and we haven't had any of these issues and we've been together for more than a year.
Joaquin Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 (edited) I've come to conclusion that a bf or gf that hangs out or keeps regular contact with an ex is not very committed to the new bf or gf. Simple as that. Could be that they feel in the driving seat in the new relationship and feel that can pretty much do as they please, but fact is, if they cared and had an ounce of decency, they just wouldn't do it. It's not about control or insecurity, just respect and being committed to the person yr with. Imagine having to tell yr mum or dad that yr gf or bf is off with their ex. Talk about embarrassing. You'd never admit it to yr folks cos they'd look at u like someone removed yr brain. And they'd be right. Edited June 28, 2013 by Joaquin 1
CptSaveAho Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 (edited) title of thread should have been "Ex-gf having tea with ex" if you have to post about it, you know its not acceptable she can date/have tea whatever with anyone else she wants to... healthy normal people do not go out/meet with ex's Edited June 28, 2013 by CptSaveAho
FitChick Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 It it's a one time thing, nothing to worry about. If she sets up future meetings, don't freak out but say you'd like to meet the guy and invite yourself along.
Keke1 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 It it's a one time thing, nothing to worry about. If she sets up future meetings, don't freak out but say you'd like to meet the guy and invite yourself along. What if she doesn't tell him about anymore meet ups? OP talk to her and let her know how you feel about the situation. Exactly how you feel about it.
SJC2008 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 (edited) Throw in some strumpets and I'm there! Edited June 29, 2013 by SJC2008 speeling
PogoStick Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Do you mean crumpets? Wait so it's more than tea huh...I'd say bollocks to tea AND crumpets! That's like a date. Really though, I'd like to think that an ex from 5 years ago means nothing. You really have to feel out your own relationship. If the girl is with me and everything is going well then why would I feel threatened? I like to feel I can trust my gfs, and I'd want the trust to make the same kind of decision. My exs tend to stay friends so doesn't seem crazy to me.
justwhoiam Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 So I guess this guy used to go out with my gf for around 6 months duration which was 5 years ago. You guess? Have certainties. Get real info. I'm not sure the details but it sounded like they split due to being in a different place in life. All that you seem to know sounds quite foggy. Which leaves room for pretty much anything. And the opposite of anything. I guess some time after that his department moved to another building in the city and they recently moved back temporarily to her building. So you think you want to keep guessing? I'm not sure but I think my gf was the one who asked to meet up for tea to catch up. For lack of a better word, you are coming across as pussified. Maybe it's not the word I would use, but really, I can't convey that with a different word. And this is coming from a woman, so that makes the fact a bit more worrisome than if it were coming from another guy. they met up briefly yesterday during lunch and caught up with each other's lives...it sounded pretty innocent to me as she told me details about their conversation. This might be true, that she told you details, but it could also be that she told you just part of the conversation. If details about their respective love lives were not mentioned at all during the conversation, it's very likely she omitted details to you. And the fact my gf didn't keep it a secret from me makes this situation sound okay. How well do you think she knows you? Judging by this statement, I'd say "quite well". she didn't technically ask for my permission the day before and only brought it up briefly. How could she ask for your permission if she already arranged the rendez-vous? Would you expect her to draw back after she had the tea time arranged? How likely would that happen? 2% chance? She also mentioned we both have the same build...which sounded a little messed up like she was comparing me to him. In what context did she mention that? This comment of yours can range from paranoid to dense. Is this yay or nay? Nay. Should I have put my foot down? Yes, regarding your thoughts, not conditioning her actions. Was she trying to make me jealous? Hard to tell. But you were cool with it. So next time anything similar happens she won't feel compelled to tell you about it. Your behavior gives messages and she's learning from it. Was she expecting me to say no to not have tea with him? Who knows? We don't know her. I would have though. And not because my man would feel insecure, but because a man knows that another guy who was sexually attracted to a woman might feel the same way again and he cannot be fully trusted. So it's usually better not to create conditions that can foster unwanted events... 1
Author monkey00 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 What if she doesn't tell him about anymore meet ups? OP talk to her and let her know how you feel about the situation. Exactly how you feel about it. Thanks yeah, I actually considered that. So I asked her about it yesterday and she pretty much talked around the subject and didn't answer the question. According to her she felt bad for him cause he's still dating around and not settled down like he was when she first started dating him. I feel like she's too nice sometimes to people, esp exes. She'd likely respond to a text, etc if an ex or someone she used to date reached out to her. (which has happened after she started dating (aside from this incident I posted about)). Whereas if it were me, I'd just ignore it completely. I don't think it would be wise to ask her again, I'd come off as controlling and insecure. Plus the state of our relationship hasn't changed and we still use the L word frequently with each other. I hope that she doesn't hang out with him again, and if she does she should be smart to tell me about it. thoughts?
Infinity0 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Hmmm yeah she should have probably mentioned something about him before she asked him to go grab a coffee just to see what ur reaction would be (just out of respect).
CherryT Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Thanks yeah, I actually considered that. So I asked her about it yesterday and she pretty much talked around the subject and didn't answer the question. According to her she felt bad for him cause he's still dating around and not settled down like he was when she first started dating him. I feel like she's too nice sometimes to people, esp exes. She'd likely respond to a text, etc if an ex or someone she used to date reached out to her. (which has happened after she started dating (aside from this incident I posted about)). Whereas if it were me, I'd just ignore it completely. I don't think it would be wise to ask her again, I'd come off as controlling and insecure. Plus the state of our relationship hasn't changed and we still use the L word frequently with each other. I hope that she doesn't hang out with him again, and if she does she should be smart to tell me about it. thoughts? If you trust her and know she's doing it to be kind (some people just feel very guilty about being mean or "rude" in their minds) you have to really trust her and let it go. If she is being honest and there is any doubt in your mind and you start resenting her for it, it could snowball. If you feel that this should be a "rule" in your relationship, it should be discussed and you have to her accountable and not let her answer around the subject because it's important for you both to be on the same page. 1
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