BruisedBNBroken Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 (edited) Glad to have found this site and thank you so much to everyone that posts on here with personal stories and words of support. My story: married 11 years to a wonderful man and father, but someone I have no passion or connection with. No physical intimacy and more of a coparent/roommate situation. Thought I was completely content with it, great kids, great job, can't have it all. This past March, met a business associate at a shared event and totally hit it off. No physical attraction at all but a very easy conversation and instant emotional connection. Long story short, we start what I guess is an emotional affair. Texting, talking, emailing, all the time. Intimate details about each others lives, etc etc. In doing so, I start to get a physical attraction. This was March. We see each other in May and have a nice friendly intense time but nothing physical. The emotional affair continues. We see each other in June and it turns physical. More so than a sexual feeling, the physical contact that has been missing from my marriage for so long just opens intense waves of emotion and I guess addiction (from what I've been reading.) Now I'm in the fog. It's all I think about, read about, dream about, etc. I wait for every text, every call, any crumb of attention. I cant eat, i cant sleep, i can hardly focus on taking care of daily things. I lie to try to visit his city for any reason. Here we are and I just saw him yesterday. He is completely not interested in continuing anything. He is divorced, detached and not wanting to get into the middle of a marriage. I'm on my way back home and devastated. I've read as much as I can in the last few weeks and know this isn't real, it's a fog, it's an addiction and the affair partner is never anyone I would ever, ever be with in an actual relationship. So why am I so devastated and how can I get past this. We're going no contact, both agreed, aside from generic group emails that will continue until August 1 when our project ends. Any other advise for getting through this? I made a therapy Appt for next week as well. I can't believe that 3 months and 4 face to face visits has completely taken me for such a loop. Thank you everyone. Edited June 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 How long ago did the OM divorce? Was it before the affair, or sometime during? If it's relatively recent, he may just be dealing with the emotions that come with ending a long-term relationship. Maybe he's not ready for anything more, right now. It may also be that he enjoyed what you've had, but perhaps he has come to his own conclusion that it wasn't meant to last; as in, maybe he was in the fog as well, and just came out of it. Either way, whatever his reasons are, he's made his choice. It's unfortunate in a way, but I imagine this has opened your eyes to a great many things. Was the affair purely an escape, then? If so, I'd suggest working on the issues in your marriage. You can either try to repair the relationship-which involves your husband being on board with it-or you can file for divorce, in the event you're both unhappy, and feel reconciliation won't make a difference. Whatever you choose to do, I think staying NC with the OM is a good choice. If you're committed to repairing the marriage, NC will ensure that works out. If you're committed to separating from your husband, it will help you focus on that process and any grief that comes with it. It's better to stay out of any relationship, until the dust settles. 1
ComingInHot Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I'm sad for your situation. Heh, little did you know you were ripe for an A. I AM glad that one of you chose to end the A. I'm sad that you are depressed even more so w/your M. I'm glad you recognize the successes in your life. I'm sad that you don't feel your M is one of them. I'm... never mind. Listen, the cheating on your Spouse and families are One Hundred Percent on you BUT the state of your M is on BOTH of you & Your BS. Question Time. * -Are you REALLY someone who settles for "Crumbs"? Being successful, I kind of doubt that. -If you're Not "happy" in your M, what are you going to do about it? Make it better or end it? -Do you Talk/COMMUNICATE w/your BS about the needs that are/aren't being met? How will Your Spouse Know what you need if you don't tell and vis-a-versa? I'm glad... really, I am, that you've set an IC appointment* 1
2sunny Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 So you just gave me evidence that a person can move from neutral feelings about someone to totally feeling into them. Why not with your H? Wy not spend that "lusty" energy growing THAT connection with your H? You heated. And with a guy that doesn't intend to have it be significant. He groomed you. Or you groomed him - whatever way you look at it. You've given evidence that whatever energy and time you put into another person - that connection OW's bigger/stronger. The problem now - what do you intend to do about the M you're not nurturing? Yes, that is on you - you ignore something long enough - it goes away. Are you going to divorce? Tell your H so he can make a decision based on truth - and get tested for diseases.
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Thank you everyone. I have alot of questions to answer, both about myself and about my marriage. I also need to break out of this fog and get out of this obsessive/addicted/grief state, or whatever it is. I hope my counseling Appt will be a good first step. Thanks for the responses everyone.
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 2sunny, I wish I could. I don't have the answers right now. I don't know what I'm planning to do.
dichotomy Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 "My story: married 11 years to a wonderful man and father, but someone I have no passion or connection with. No physical intimacy" Never ever?
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 "My story: married 11 years to a wonderful man and father, but someone I have no passion or connection with. No physical intimacy" Never ever? Not in the last 2 years no.
dichotomy Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Not in the last 2 years no. Did you withdraw the sex or intimacy - or did it just happen to both you and your husband withdraw from this stuff. What I am getting at - is that a therapist will ask you to revisit when and why you did have passion and desire at one time for your husband, and try to get you to rediscover it. But you can't do this if your still mourning or desiring another man.
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 Ok...while I agree she should come clean to the H and get a divorce if she wants other guys...as a woman I take major offense to your assumptions. The OP is a working woman. What makes you say she is staying with her H for his "bankroll". Maybe that is the H's reason for staying in the sexless marriage. This is a fairly typical story of a marriage that has lost it's spark. It sounds like the OP knows she needs to figure out if she should stay or go. If she stays, I hope there is honesty involved in the reconciliation. OP...you will get over this. Just do the right thing. Thank you very much for your post here. I was so angry and offended reading the previous response but didn't want to say anything as I am new to the forum. For your information, jnj express, I am the breadwinner, and our "cushy" lifestyle as you call it, has nothing to do with my husbands income. Also, your comments about spreading my legs for another man are obnoxious and hurtful. It never to that far, not that anything physical with another man is acceptable, I realize its not, but you don't need to be so crass and assuming. Thank you to the people on here actually offering support and advise. 1
William Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Members, it's not only 'what' but 'how' which will define the difference between retaining posting privileges and losing them. As long as 'what' is topical and 'how' is civil and respectful, membership will continue unfettered. The posting here is listed in the Infidelity forum and titled 'New and Hurting' and the question is asked 'Any other advice for getting through this?' So, topical advice, offered in a civil and respectful manner (our Community Guidelines offer wonderful guidance on these aspects) is welcomed. Thanks for your participation.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 (edited) You're welcome, Bruised. Let us know how things go from here. Edited June 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Thank you very much for your post here. I was so angry and offended reading the previous response but didn't want to say anything as I am new to the forum. For your information, jnj express, I am the breadwinner, and our "cushy" lifestyle as you call it, has nothing to do with my husbands income. Also, your comments about spreading my legs for another man are obnoxious and hurtful. It never to that far, not that anything physical with another man is acceptable, I realize its not, but you don't need to be so crass and assuming. Thank you to the people on here actually offering support and advise. I think you should start by filing for divorce. Everything you most likely feel about your marriage... you husband probably feels as well. Compound that with your affair and fixing it seems like a waste of time. In terms of the affair itself... there is no quick fix. Cry and keep to no contact.... you will heal in time.
Confused48 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Members, it's not only 'what' but 'how' which will define the difference between retaining posting privileges and losing them. As long as 'what' is topical and 'how' is civil and respectful, membership will continue unfettered. . Um, what? Do you also speak English?
Artie Lang Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) NC and counseling are a good start. i think you've come to realize that you need more from you current situation. have you told your husband about this inappropriate relationship with this man? if not, do you plan to? Edited July 1, 2013 by Artie Lang
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 NC and counseling are a good start. i think you've come to realize that you need more from you current situation. have you told your husband about this inappropriate relationship with this man? if not, do you plan to? Thank you Artie Lang. This point above that you brought up is exactly where I am at. I need more from my current situation. I was wrong for what I did and I have no excuses but I am starting to slowly realize why I was even omotionally open to it. I need more. I have not yet decided whether I am telling my husband. I hope to address that in therapy. If the marriage is ending regardless, do I need to further hurt him by telling him? I don't have an answer yet. 1
Sooverhim Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Hi BBNB! NC and counselling are the best things you can do. NC will give you distance from XMM and help you see things realistically, without all that affair fog fuzzing your mind. Don't make any decisions about your M until you are well on the road to recovery from your A. You can't know how you truly feel about your H whilst your feelings and emotions are still so wrapped up in XMM. If you do decide to stay with your H and improve your M I can tell you that it is possible, but of course you do need to put the effort into making it work. Even physical intimacy with your H is possible, but you both need to talk about what you want. Your name says it all, you have been very bruised by your experience, but it's not broken you. Best wishes to you x 2
janedoe67 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I was in your exact situation several years ago. Though the touchlessness and sexlessness in my marriage had gone on for many years...and no, it wasn't ME who pulled away. I may be projecting, but it sounds like you craved connection but for whatever reason it wasn't there. I would ask you how often you talked to your BH about this and what steps the two of you took to work on it...but the bottom line is this lack of connection made you vulnerable, and when someone came along who could fill that void, you didn't protect yourself and your marriage. I did it too. It was even the single OM who initially broke it off, so I know that as well. I would strongly advise you to go through with the counseling. I would also advise you to tell your husband. I know that is scary. But it is the right thing to do. And when you tell him, I would stick to the facts and be compassionately brief: I allowed myself to get to close to X and we had an affair. It is over and we have no more contact, but I know it was a very wrong and hurtful choice. Talking about how lonely you were will only sound like blame shifting. I see a bad marriage and a choice to cheat as two problems that may be related but are not tackled the same way. It will take time for your husband to work through it and begin to trust again, and there will be a roller coaster of emotion. That is part of the deal with betrayal. We have betrayed the trust and we have to work to earn it back. That is job number one for awhile. BUT... After that while, it is very very important for BOTH of you to address the disconnect. Because if you tell him, you all work through the adultery, and nothing in your marriage changes....then a few years down the road when you are at least as lonely as you were prior to this affair, someone else will give you attention, and it may well happen again. I wish you the best. I know this is a hard road and that...well, there aren't always a lot of cheerleaders in the wings. But I can tell you you came to a good place. I have been on quite a few forums and this one has more empathy for your side of the equation than any other I have been on.
Author BruisedBNBroken Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 @janedoe67, thank you for posting. Would it be possible to message you privately? Your story is so similar. Do we even have the capability to message on here? Thanks.
Oberfeldwebel Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 It is difficult to provide input as you have been a little sketchy on details. You say there was no intimacy for 2 years. Why was that? Do you address the issue with him and what was your plan to fix the problem? I understand the temptation for intimacy after 2 years, that is a long time, but does not justify your actions. You need to make some serious decisions and make a plan for moving forward, regardless of the direction you go. If you are going to divorce, I highly recommend that you end this relationship, before getting into another relationship. Also if you want to be fair with your husband, then he desires honesty. You don't have to stay married, but don't let him wonder what went wrong have an honest conversation, including the affair. When you have made a decision, moving quickly and decisively.
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