waterwoman Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 great! Just been texted by a friend asking if H and are going to another mutual friend's 50th party. Nope. Not been invited. This has happened several times recently and I am really pissed off. I have done NOTHING wrong but couples seem to find us uncomfortable company. Didn't help that H was following OW round like a lost dog at his 50th birthday party a few years back - apparently I was the only one who didn't notice anything. I was busy looking after my guests. In the words of a spoiled brat 'Its NOT FAIR!!' Ah well.. onwards and upwards. I guess we will just have to find new friends to go with the old ones that still like being with us inspite of the horrible contagious disease we seem to carry..... 3
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 That is most unfortunate. How long ago was his affair, and how long have you two been working on reconciling? The sad thing is, when the people in your life are made aware of any issues in your relationship (fighting, talk of divorce, cheating, or what-have-you), they do become uncomfortable. It sucks for you guys, but keep in mind, it's uncomfortable for your friends because those things are still lurking in the back of their minds. Of course it isn't fair, but it's also not fair to expect them to get over it over night, either. On one hand, what happens between the two of you is your business; on the other, if you two are responsible for making them aware of that dirty laundry-no matter how justified it may have been at the time-it's a bit much to expect them to pretend everything is A-Okay. Not blaming you, or anything. Just pointing out the sad reality of it. 2
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Good old infidelity. The gift that keeps on giving. I think people feel like its contagious. Have yu mentioned it to your H and what was his reaction. I'm so sorry. And you're right, it's not fair. 4
Snowflower Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 WW, how do all these people know about the A? I'm sure you've answered this before but its hard to keep everyone's stories straight. Sometimes, people will almost subconsciously avoid that which scares them. Infidelity is definitely one of those things. It's them, not you and it tells you a lot about how shallow those people really are. 2
melenkurion Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 In the words of a spoiled brat 'Its NOT FAIR!!' You're anything but a spoiled brat! You're dead right it's not fair. I'm really sorry. 1
Author waterwoman Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Thanks I haven't 'washed any dirty linen'. I told my closest 2 friends on Dday because I needed them. I told one other friend because there was a chance she might have heard Rumours and her and h seemed to have changed in their behaviour towards us. H told a few friends who he had treated badly whilst the affair was going on. And his younger sister whom he tells everything. However as I said there were Rumours started we think by ow's friends. I haven't even told my family, h's mother doesn't know. We certainly didn't spread the news far and wide
BetrayedH Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I've guess I've kinda done the opposite. I've shunned nearly everyone. I have no interest in my old life anymore. Most of them don't know who to side with so I just went ahead and decided for them. A few made a clean break from my ex and so I "got them in the divorce" (a whopping two people) but I have no patience for the fence-sitters. 4
NotCamelot Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I those "friends" have turned away from you, were they really friends anyway? We can understand how people can be uncomfortable. But a true friend should work through that and continue to be a real friend. Not a one of my friends knows about our past, and my W swears that no one knows on her side either. We felt it best to be that way. We are very private people. Now we don't have to worry what "friends" are thinking when they see us. Don't beat yourself up about it.....and don't feel bad about it. It is not your fault. Let that "friend" go, there are lots of people out there. And some will be real friends. 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 This is one of the saddest things in these situations. After my situation broke loose, there was a lot of confusion - those that wanted and tried to support both and then the drama started. Eventually, things evened out. But there were friends that I had to cut ties with because they were gossipers and there was the constant push-pull between the two families. I did that for my own healing. There is so much hurt. I just didn't trust anyone not just for me, but for my husband and my kids. There still are a few that won't talk to us - cut us off completely in favor of the xom and his wife (one couple is actually a niece and nephew and one is a man whose mother was a very dear friend of mine - I diapered him) - they cut us all off. Nothing I can do. It was sad because my husband and I did nothing but allow these two couples to come in and out of our house, provide them with food, housing at times, cars when they needed them, etc. But when the rubber met the road, they jumped ship. Now there are some of the old couples we just to do things with that we are just now starting to see from time to time, but it isn't the same as before. You find out who is truly your friend in situations like this. Some I was so completely surprised about - who stayed and supported. And those I thought would stay and rally around us, left. You just never know. Remember recently that we had a wedding we were invited to that we were almost certain that xom and his wife would be invited to and we were deciding whether to go. Well, we went and they were not there. So either they were invited and declined for whatever reason or they weren't invited at all - I never asked. It's always sticky. But we were prepared for whatever would happen and had our "posse" around us just in case - lol. I have found that beginning to make new friends, joining a new club and meeting new people, have been the best things we could do. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this - it sucks. 1
Author waterwoman Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Thanks everyone. lilmiss- I have been making new friends, strengthening old friendships and have joined a camera club and created a Flickr page. I need to move on. 2
Confused48 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 it's uncomfortable for your friends because those things are still lurking in the back of their minds. I think this is it. They know they could do the same. They may have suffered the same but can't bear to think about it or talk about it. At least not with you. It's not your fault that they can't. I those "friends" have turned away from you, were they really friends Agreed. Not that the ones who are afraid to engage are bad people. But they did not connect with you deeply. If they did then their own demons would make them closer to you, not farther. Let them go with no hard feelings. Embrace the ones that can, for whatever reason, connect more deeply with you. 1
mercy Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 great! Just been texted by a friend asking if H and are going to another mutual friend's 50th party. Nope. Not been invited. This has happened several times recently and I am really pissed off. I have done NOTHING wrong but couples seem to find us uncomfortable company. Didn't help that H was following OW round like a lost dog at his 50th birthday party a few years back - apparently I was the only one who didn't notice anything. I was busy looking after my guests. In the words of a spoiled brat 'Its NOT FAIR!!' Ah well.. onwards and upwards. I guess we will just have to find new friends to go with the old ones that still like being with us inspite of the horrible contagious disease we seem to carry..... If it were a good friend I would call and confront. I'd say are you uncomfortable with h and I? Don't worry about us we are doing great. I'd love to be a part of the celebration. I'd get back in the game. If that's what mattered to me. In the whole scheme of things what matters to me at the end of the day is h loves me and no matter where we are, he and I are all that matters. Sitting on a rock while the sun sets vs parties that really don't mean a thing. At night when the sun is setting the truth comes and that's all that matters...hmmmm love 1
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