fearfacmh Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Hi everyone. I was recently married on May 25th. I believe I may have made a serious mistake. I dated my wife for 4 years. She is both the most amazing person in the world and the worst to me. When we first started dating she was hyper affectionate and hyper sexual. She even wanted to have sex twice in one day and gave me oral in a public garage. She was funny and exciting and made me feel pretty amazing. After several months of dating I realized something wasn't quite right with her. She decided that she didn't like my mother and many of my friends. She would do anything to avoid my mother and misinterpret the nice things my mother would do for her. She would get mad when I would want to see my family saying that I was a momma's boy and was to needy of her. She would get mad when I wanted to hang out with friends with out her. Over time I realized she was always criticizing me and never complimented me. In fact she never praises anything or anyone. Everything is negative about everyone. She says she has always not liked her own mother who never compliments her and always critisized her. So she is projecting that on me....So I broke up with her several times over the years and then would always go back. During one of the breakups I had a fling with a girl at my work. We never had sex, but I just felt she was amazing and everything that my girlfriend was not. Anyways in the end I wussed out and went back to her. So we got back together and all of her madness eventually continued. So eventually she stopped all affection and rarely wanted to have sex. Eventually I decided we needed couples therapy. We went to that and seemed to be doing much better. I made clear in the therapy that I did not recieve enough affection from her, that I needed compliments, and that she needed to keep our home neat. We discussed these things over and over. In Therapy she kept bringing up that I had cheated on her with the girl from my work. I did not cheat on her I broke up with her and then saw the other girl. So eventually we worked all that out in therapy. Then our therapist got sick and couldn't continue working with us and we stopped going. With all the therapy things were good and I finally thought we had everything worked out and I asked her to mary me. I thought she would finally be happy. But noooo. Now she was always upset and stressed about the wedding and claiming I never helped her. That was not true. I started thinking I had made a mistake, but I just thought when we were finally married she would be finally be happy. Nope. We had sex twice on our 7 day honeymoon. She turned me down every other day. Since we came home a month ago I have recieved no kisses and we have not had sex once. I told her I wanted to clean our home and she always refused She is messy and sloppy and lazy and always subliminally upset with me for some reason or another. What do I do? I believe she has a mood disorder possibly narccistic or borderine personality disorder. Oh and whenever I bring up her lack of affection she gets very angry and says I'm critisizing her. What should I do???????? Fred
GorillaTheater Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 BPD may be a pretty good guess, but ultimately it doesn't matter whether you can attach a label to her behavior or not. I'd issue an ultimatum: "start behaving like a decent human being and join me in marital counseling, or pack your sh*t. Your choice. You have a day to decide."
Balzac Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Seriously ~ you willingly entered into the legal contract of marriage and you can willingly exit. Funniest part of your story is that it comes across that no matter what her personality disorder/mental illness, if she would have sex w you ~. It's all good.
hoping2heal Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 A few questions so I can understand some things. It sounds like even before you were married, it was an expectation of her that she would keep the home. Did you two ever have a discussion about this expectation or was it just placed on her? Same with the marriage; was there ever an open discussion about it then either?
Author fearfacmh Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Thanks for your quick responses. I never discussed keeping the home clean before we moved in. Once we moved in it became clear to me that she was messy. I mean I am by no means a neat freak, but I realize when its gotten out of hand and things need to be tidied up. I've discussed it with her numerous times. I would say to her very nicely "we need to clean our home" and she just gets defensive and starts pointing out something unrelated that she is mad about. I have tried sending her emails explaining my thoughts. I'm never mean or condescending. Basically I have always thought she would be the perfect girl if she just changed a few basic things, but she never changes. Right now it seems we need to go back to therapy, but the therapy is kinda useless since she didn't do the things she said she would the first time. I think what she really needs is therapy for herself. I have no idea how you get therapy for someone who you think has a personality disorder. I am certain she has a personality disorder. I dont wan't to seem like I think I am high and mighty and perfect. I'm not, but I am a good man. All I want is love and respect from my wife.
Balzac Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Many psychologists and psychiatrists have documented success in treating personality disorders. Searching them out can be done with the help of an attorney and medical specialists. If you live in a major urban area it's pretty easy but going to noted specialty hospital for diagnosis and referral is a good plan. Johns Hopkins has a quality program. As does Mass General.
Got it Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Sorry, call me cynical, but with all of these issues early on, I would throw in the towel and call it a day. Too much too soon for a marriage that has barely breathed its first breaths. 4
Eddie Edirol Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 It could be early enough to get an annulment and drop her quickly. You tried enough and this is the way she is. You shouldnt have married her in the first place with this many problems, but you have time to dissolve the marriage and move on to a woman that is actually interested in you for a relationship.
eddyctv Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I agree with everyone saying dump her...you want to spend the rest of your life with this mess? Sounds like you can do A LOT better. She has a lot of baggage...let me tell you, it will get worse...A LOT worse...when you start having kids.
GorillaTheater Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 when you start having kids. Oh hell. Fred, please tell us that one those occasions you do have sex, that you're wearing condoms. If she's BPD, or maybe even if she isn't, she's going to have an irational fear of abandonment that she'll manage any way necessary, including getting knocked up. And that, brother, would be a much bigger disaster. 4
Lauriebell82 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Fred, can I ask what YOU worked on in therapy? Is there anything you are doing to help the situation? My husband has a personality disorder and I know that even though i dont ask for the treatment, my reactions add fuel to the fire. If you want to work on the marriage (which it sounds like you do) then i would try looking at YOU. You cant control what she does and continuing to obsess over her is not helping. And I mean this in the sweetest way possible: I am sure you are no angel yourself Fred. It takes two to tango.
M30USA Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Fred, can I ask what YOU worked on in therapy? Is there anything you are doing to help the situation? My husband has a personality disorder and I know that even though i dont ask for the treatment, my reactions add fuel to the fire. If you want to work on the marriage (which it sounds like you do) then i would try looking at YOU. You cant control what she does and continuing to obsess over her is not helping. And I mean this in the sweetest way possible: I am sure you are no angel yourself Fred. It takes two to tango. I agree with the whole "it takes two" mantra to a POINT. Obviously both people contribute to the success/failure of any relationship, but there comes a point when one particular person is beyond the normal amount of imperfections and literally CANNOT be appeased no matter how much you invest.
Sparty97 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Get out now. Run. Now. Seriously. Call a lawyer. Annulment. Divorce. Whatever. 2
Lauriebell82 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I agree with the whole "it takes two" mantra to a POINT. Obviously both people contribute to the success/failure of any relationship, but there comes a point when one particular person is beyond the normal amount of imperfections and literally CANNOT be appeased no matter how much you invest. Yeah, and I totally agree. However, it sounds like Fred still wants to make things work, so suggesting divorce may not be the right advice. I was offering an alternate solution. If she isnt going to change (and he wants to stay married) then he is going to have to do something.
Pastypop Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Not to be negative but, your marriage may be like this forever. Don't buy a house, open any joint accounts, buy a car or any big purchase together and don't have kids. You will be stuck in this dilemma for the rest of your life if you do this. End the relationship on the best terms that you can and find someone who will respect you. Good luck with your decision. Getting out now instead of later is best for everyone involved.
tas001 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Basically I have always thought she would be the perfect girl if she just changed a few basic things, but she never changes. After 20 years of marriage, I can tell you that it's next to impossible for any person to change too much from whom they are. Anyone who gets married thinking they can change their spouse is going to be in for a rude, rude shock... For example, can you imagine changing yourself into a person who can enjoy living in a dirty house and not have sex ever?? If you could then you'd be perfectly happy, wouldn't you? Not gonna happen, is it?? The thing with any system (marriage or political or etc) is that, over time, it will swing to extremes ... so you and she will both cling harder and harder to your positions, overcompensate for each other, and the gulf will steadily grow wider ... and you will only get unhappier. So I agree with other posters, if you've tried and it hasn't gotten better, then there's pretty low likelihood its going to get better in the future... Save your sanity if you can...
bubbaganoosh Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 She sounds like a woman who uses her tongue as a weapon and what she doesn't understand or care about knowing is that when you have an attitude like that, you say hurtful, nasty things when she loses her temper and she doesn't care how it affects the person (you) receives it. I lived through a marriage for ten an a half years with a woman who had that kind of mouth. It wasn't fun and we had a child who is now 37 and has her Mothers temper and mouth. The best thing I can tell you is for you to sit her down and tell her that this kind of B.S. can't and will not be tolerated any longer and she had better check her tongue and her bad attitude at the door when you come home or she'll find herself out in the street and looking for a lawyer. You haven't been married that long and she has this notion that putting you down is a way to control you. That is no way for anyone to live. I don't want to here about some personality disorder or crap like that. It's called where I come from "BAD MANNERS".
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