No Contact

[SmithJ]

Hi, I'm new to this, I found it whilst looking for support and I'd really appreciate some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years and lived together for 6 months. At first we had a LD relationship (he lives 3 hours away) he moved over here to be with me and found a job.

 

I messed up during our relationship as I was jealous and paranoid (as he had cheated on previous ex's and at the beginning of our relationship texted a lot of other girls) when I was paranoid it would start an argument and he would get angry (throwing things around and shouting) and then I felt horrible and like he didn't love me.

 

We had an argument which resulted in me saying something really stupid and that he had to move out (which I really regret now!!) he made arrangements to move back and his family said that they can get him a good job there with good money and good prospects but told him that he cant let them down.

 

When I had calmed down I begged him to stay and apologized, crying etc. He was crying and said he loved me and wanted to be with me but he HAD to go as he didn't think I would change and we are hurting each other. We cried for 3 days together while he was moving out but then he said how when we have both sorted out or problems individually that we might be able to get back together. I said I hope that would happen.

 

He messaged me this continuously before he left saying he will come back for me etc and he'll never love anyone like he loves me and he's not interested in anyone else.

When he arrived home I got a message saying he was back, he loved me and to take care of myself. I said the same and then later text him how I can't believe he had gone. He didn't reply. Before he left we both agreed that we wouldn't change our facebook status' to single for a while until we were both ready.

 

The same day he left I put a photo on facebook of me dressed up and going out that night with a smiley face (purposely to show him I was happy without me) about 20 minutes later he had blocked me . I texted him the next day to say that I'm thinking of him, I will always love him and im sorry I couldn't give him what he needed. That was 5 days ago and he hasn't text me or called.

 

What should I do? Do I just give up and move on? I'm so confused

Edited June 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[eddyctv]

Ugh. Yes. Give up and move on. We are all trying to do it. It's terrible to hear, but it's what has to be done. I'm sorry

[SmithJ]

I appreciate the honesty. I think it would have been easier if he had just said 'that's it, can't handle it, not interested and wont be in the future' rather than saying he'll never love anyone like me and he's coming back for me in the future, I think it's crueler the way he has done things. He owes me £600 too but I think I might just accept that I'll never see that again ...This is soooo s**t!

[onaht]

Sorry, I hope I'm not being mean or anything, just trying to give you another perspective to think about.

 

I'm in kind of a similar position where mine and my ex's future is still up in the air. I want her back, but if I saw that she got all dressed up and happy to go out at night, and if she texted me that she was sorry she couldn't give me what I wanted? I would have taken those as hints that she was moving on and that I should too.

 

Maybe he thinks you're moving on. If I was in his shoes, I'd be happy for you, but I'd go NC on you too, so that I could move on myself.

 

But of course you know him best, he might be a jerk for all I know. At the end of the day no one will ever know what's truly going on in our ex's minds. And, in my experience at least, it gets easier when we accept that. I know it sucks, I'm still struggling with accepting it with my most recent ex.

[SmithJ]

No not at all, I can see now how it might have looked to him but I made it so clear before he left how I wanted to give it another go and how I wanted to change and be with him forever but he said that he couldn't do that.

 

I wanted him to kind of see what he was missing by knowing that I was okay but I'm obviously not, I'm literally crying in my office (good job I have my own office!)

 

What I think that we both need to remember is that we can't change anyone else's opinion of us, we can only do our best to make them aware of what we want (them) and then do NC in order to retain our dignity. I've gone NC now for 5 days and it's the weekend now which will be the hardest because I know he will be going out drinking and I'll have some wine with friends and that's when I'll want to speak to him the most. Drunk mind sober heart and all that!

 

Are you doing No Contact at the minute?

[lostintheclouds]

Exactly, NC helps maintain our dignity. I wish I found this site months ago or I would have gone complete NC. And yes, the weekends can be hard at first but you should be going out and focusing on yourself, as well.

[onaht]

If you've made it clear then it's on him. Keep living your life and trying to be happy.

 

I'm about a week into NC. I dumped her 3 weeks ago out of insecurity, realized my mistake and immediately apologized and tried getting her back. She was too angry and hurt to take me back (rightfully so). She's since found a steady rebound. Like you, I've made it clear I want to give it another go. You and I just have to stay strong, improve ourselves, and find happiness from within now. Go NC, the rest is their problem. We can do it.

[flitzanu]

Hi, I'm new to this, I found it whilst looking for support and I'd really appreciate some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years and lived together for 6 months. At first we had a LD relationship (he lives 3 hours away) he moved over here to be with me and found a job.

I messed up during our relationship as I was jealous and paranoid (as he had cheated on previous ex's and at the beginning of our relationship texted a lot of other girls) when I was paranoid it would start an argument and he would get angry (throwing things around and shouting) and then I felt horrible and like he didn't love me.

We had an argument which resulted in me saying something really stupid and that he had to move out (which I really regret now!!) he made arrangements to move back and his family said that they can get him a good job there with good money and good prospects but told him that he cant let them down.

When I had calmed down I begged him to stay and apologized, crying etc. He was crying and said he loved me and wanted to be with me but he HAD to go as he didn't think I would change and we are hurting each other. We cried for 3 days together while he was moving out but then he said how when we have both sorted out or problems individually that we might be able to get back together. I said I hope that would happen. He messaged me this continuously before he left saying he will come back for me etc and he'll never love anyone like he loves me and he's not interested in anyone else.

When he arrived home I got a message saying he was back, he loved me and to take care of myself. I said the same and then later text him how I can't believe he had gone. He didn't reply. Before he left we both agreed that we wouldn't change our facebook status' to single for a while until we were both ready. The same day he left I put a photo on facebook of me dressed up and going out that night with a smiley face (purposely to show him I was happy without me) about 20 minutes later he had blocked me . I texted him the next day to say that I'm thinking of him, I will always love him and im sorry I couldn't give him what he needed. That was 5 days ago and he hasn't text me or called. What should I do? Do I just give up and move on? I'm so confused

 

sounds like you just did the dirty work for him. you kicked him out, and then you apologized, but he still left. if he wanted to stay and be with you, he could have, but he didn't. he still left, and now he's blocked you and not contacting you...which means he's ok with this breakup.

 

so yes, at this point, you move on and give up, and don't contact him.

[SmithJ]

Thanks for your replies guys, helps a lot. I've spent the night at the pub with my friend and aunt and I spent the night telling them all how much I hate him and how much I'm over him etc but now I'm home and a little drunk and feel back to square one. It's so annoying how I want to call him and ask him why he's left me when we had so much together, I'm venting so I don't text him. Because we lived together I'm used to him being in bed next to me and he's not, it's so upsetting waking up alone, I just want to know if he's missing me, he was so upset when he left and was adamant that he was coming back but now nothing but I suppose actions speak louder than words and he hasn't text or called. Tomorrow will be a week since he text me saying he loves me and the 6th day of no contact. It's hard to go on a night out and not have a care in the world then come home to a cold empty bed that we used to share together so so difficult. I really need help. Sorry for the rant, I'm just finding it hard.

[LinkWorshiper]

I empathize with you. My guy and I broke up months ago and I didn't leave him alone long enough afterwards. I sometimes wonder if going NC sooner would have actually saved me from all the heartache I'm enduring right now.

 

Anyway, I think if you laid it all out on the table for him, then it's on him to take that and do what he will with it. Sometimes that takes a while because some people are dumb when it comes to processing stuff. My guy, for instance, puts all that kind of thing on a backburner and goes about life as usual, only to stop and think about it sometimes, and then not think about it at all while he's off doing whatever he's doing. This makes his processing slow, and if you really care to see where things go, then you have to be patient and also strong on the NC thing. A wise friend of mine, who at one point in her nine year relationship, was broken up with her man for two whole years while they processed and figured things out, told me that a person can only work with what they see from where they are standing. So it really depends on him. And hard as it is to face, sometimes people just won't change... no matter what feelings they have, change only happens if they really want it to. Or have thought about it enough to realize that they were wrong. If that makes sense.

[SmithJ]

There's been an update guys! My sister sent him a message on Facebook about the whole thing and asked him how he felt (they were close) he messaged back basically saying that he hasn't moved on but he's enjoying spending time with his friends and family and he's happier now than he was with me. My sister told him that it'd be easier for me to get over him if she told me that he says he's moved on and doesn't love me anymore so that's what she told me and I was upset but thought right I have to move on because he isn't interested in coming back which I thought was our plan.

 

This was yesterday and last night I went out to a club. I got a call from a number I didn't recognise and it was him. I said I'm out and can't talk and he said 'go outside please it's important' so I went outside and said 'what's up' he said that it isn't true if my sister tells me that he's never loved me and he doesn't want to be made out to be a c*** I asked him why he's doing this to me and setting me back and he said 'we spoke about what we're going to do' and I said 'what's that' and he said 'sorting ourselfs out individually and getting back together' and I said 'I thought that was just something you'd said to make yourself feel better about the break up' and he just said 'no, I meant it' I asked why he's doing this to me and he said 'I've tried to sort this out but you're just arguing with me' when I wasn't. He just said alright then 'bye' so I just put the phone down and got on with my night. I'm just confused because he told my sister he was happier now and that I won't be hearing from him again and then I get that call. Just so confused now. Do I text him?

[LinkWorshiper]

There's been an update guys! My sister sent him a message on Facebook about the whole thing and asked him how he felt (they were close) he messaged back basically saying that he hasn't moved on but he's enjoying spending time with his friends and family and he's happier now than he was with me. My sister told him that it'd be easier for me to get over him if she told me that he says he's moved on and doesn't love me anymore so that's what she told me and I was upset but thought right I have to move on because he isn't interested in coming back which I thought was our plan.

 

This was yesterday and last night I went out to a club. I got a call from a number I didn't recognise and it was him. I said I'm out and can't talk and he said 'go outside please it's important' so I went outside and said 'what's up' he said that it isn't true if my sister tells me that he's never loved me and he doesn't want to be made out to be a c*** I asked him why he's doing this to me and setting me back and he said 'we spoke about what we're going to do' and I said 'what's that' and he said 'sorting ourselfs out individually and getting back together' and I said 'I thought that was just something you'd said to make yourself feel better about the break up' and he just said 'no, I meant it' I asked why he's doing this to me and he said 'I've tried to sort this out but you're just arguing with me' when I wasn't. He just said alright then 'bye' so I just put the phone down and got on with my night. I'm just confused because he told my sister he was happier now and that I won't be hearing from him again and then I get that call. Just so confused now. Do I text him?

 

Sounds like he was starting to get huffy when you started to express how you felt AKA take a little control of the situation. I was under the impression that my man and I were doing the same thing in my situation, and though it's sometimes hard to tell what is a power play and what is genuine, I think the best thing to do is to protect yourself. He might have felt like things were backfiring when he saw YOU actually going out and moving on and doing stuff instead of it just being about him and the stuff HE needs. I would leave it alone for now, go NC for a bit, not only to illustrate that you don't respond to people who speak to you that way, but also to show that you are just as capable of growing and working on yourself as he is without his input.

 

I would also take the conversation your sister had with him with a grain of salt. It's really easy to read into things, and God knows I do it all the time. But for instance, I'm still very good bros with my ex's best friend, and he told me that my ex had insisted to him that he genuinely wanted to be my friend, yet his actions crossed (or didn't quite measure up to) the friend line almost all the time and created a lot of confusion for me. So my bro was confused why I was suddenly so upset at my ex after he did something in the same camp as yours did, mostly because even though he thought he was getting the whole story, he was not. So just... keep that thought in your head when you try to put together pieces of he said/she said.

[SmithJ]

It was almost as if he was playing the victim to my sister because he told her why he would never get back together with me and that I should be aware of the fact he won't be contacting me that's why it was so strange when he called me saying we are going to get back together in the future. So confusing! I haven't called or texted him and I won't do, I'll just see what happens next. I was in NC for 7 days before he called me last night, strang thing that he said he was trying to sort things out but I was just arguing with him though when I wasn't. I think that perhaps he wants to keep the door open with me for when he's had his 'fun' and done whatever. He did say to my sister he isn't interested in anyone else he's just having fun with his family and friends. I think he might think the grass is greener there but will soon realise what he's done when he's bored of partying!

[LinkWorshiper]

It was almost as if he was playing the victim to my sister because he told her why he would never get back together with me and that I should be aware of the fact he won't be contacting me that's why it was so strange when he called me saying we are going to get back together in the future. So confusing! I haven't called or texted him and I won't do, I'll just see what happens next. I was in NC for 7 days before he called me last night, strang thing that he said he was trying to sort things out but I was just arguing with him though when I wasn't. I think that perhaps he wants to keep the door open with me for when he's had his 'fun' and done whatever. He did say to my sister he isn't interested in anyone else he's just having fun with his family and friends. I think he might think the grass is greener there but will soon realise what he's done when he's bored of partying!

 

The red flag for me is that he's telling all this stuff to his sister when he could have just as easily told you. Instead, he says this stuff to her behind your back, and then turns around and tells YOU something to contradict what he KNOWS your sister is going to tell you, and then you get stuck in a web of confusion. He might be really confused and suffering from some grass is greener syndrome (I am fairly certain this is the case with my guy), but that still doesn't make it okay for him to treat you like that, regardless of intention. He could be the most confused, sad little puppy in the world, but that doesn't make it stink less when he poops inside, you know?

 

I would be a hypocrite if I told you not to hope that he'll get a clue, because that's the boat I'm in. But I WILL say that you definitely shouldn't stop your life for him either, and just keep doing like you do. If it's meant to happen, it'll happen, and when it does, you can decide how you feel then.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yep, he's using your sister to manipulate the situation. Next time don't pick up his call. NC means NC.

[SmithJ]

Yeah it's very manipulative. I think his plan was that she'd tell me how he doesn't want to see me again and all my flaws Etc and he was expecting a phonecall with me begging him to take me back but when it got to late in the evening and he knew I'd gone out and he didn't get the begging phonecall that's when he rang me saying 'its important' and to go outside because the music was too loud! I feel like his intentions aren't genuine and he is being very selfish and manipulative. I have saved his number now so I will know to ignore it next time. I just don't need to set back, he can't just say that one day he'll have me back because it isn't fair and at this very moment in time I don't want him back, I don't even want to hear from him.

 

 

 

I think that it's harder when you're doing NC and you really want to hear from the person and you don't but now I feel like a bit of a weight has been lifted because I know how manipulative he is.

[SmithJ]

Hi,

 

Yesterday I was feeling really good about myself again and I even started to think that in the future I'm going to meet someone a million times better (thoughts I'd never previously had) but today as soon as I woke up my first thought was 'my life is so s**t without him' and since then I've been thinking about what he is doing and the whole situation. I don't know why one minute I'm okay then the next I can't get him out of my head. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

 

I feel like I am still in limbo because of what he said when he left and what he said when he called on Saturday night. I just want him out of my head

It really isn't fair anymore. I don't want him back I just want to stop thinking about him HELP

[SmithJ]

Also I REALLY want to look at his twitter page but I feel like it will set me back even more so I have resisted since Friday which is 4 days!

[SmithJ]

<Thread merged with backstory for continuity>

 

Hi,

 

If you don't know my story you can find it on here, the thread is called no contact but I'll give you a brief update. We split 2 weeks ago and he left my apartment 11 days ago. I went no contact and he told my sister on Saturday that he is happier now and wont want to see me again. I got a call on Saturday night with him saying that he wants to get back together in the future when we have both sorted out our individual problems. I'm so confused.

 

At first I was heart broken, didn't eat or sleep, cried everyday and wanted him back. This week I haven't cried at all and I have been looking forward to my future as I have a lot going on in the next few months. I was even thinking that in the future I will find my ideal man and everything will be great. BUT last night I was in bed and I really missed him holding me and being there, I couldn't stop thinking about him and this morning on the way to work I almost broke down but I held myself back, I have a lump in my throat right now. Today all I'm thinking about is him and what he is doing, did he ever love me? Does he miss me?

 

Why am I feeling all these different things? I thought that this week I had started to get over it as I haven't been crying and I've been looking forward to my own life and now today I feel like I'm back at square one, why is this happening? Please help.

Edited July 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[theonlyjuan]

I had the exact same thing. Obviously your not over it, that's the problem.

I can go from extreme happiness and accept it's over, to being sad and thinking about her. It's hard to let go

 

I now have way more happy times then I do sad. The sad thoughts creep in but I tell myself it's over and we broke up for a reason.

 

You just have to ride out the emotions. The fact that you did have happy positive thoughts is good.

 

I may sound mental, but this is what I did/do

 

1) Every morning I just get up and go. No moping and thinking about my ex, even if I had a dream about her.

2) Exercise. I can take out my frustration on that.

3) I give myself 1 hour a day to feel sad if I need to.

4) Whenever thoughts came in, I read some threads and posts on here. I sometimes talked to people about it.

5) If you have to think about them, think about the bad things too. I know all the good happy memories stand out, but surely that isn't reality. Think about the negative things about them,or the relationship. They don't seem so perfect after.

 

When I was dumped, all I could think of was the good times. They all seemed to roll into one big memory and it seemed like my relationship was perfect. After a while I realized that this wasn't the case. Sure, we had great times but we had a lot of average routine days. You need to separate the memories out. After I did that I realized I made it out to be better than it was. I finally accepted that she wasn't the one for me and it had it's faults.

 

Your not alone. So many people go through this, sometimes more than once.

[SmithJ]

Thanks for your reply and advice.

I'm not over and when I think I am the next day is terrible but I'm not allowing myself to cry this week as I did that too much last week. I feel like if I can get to Saturday without crying I have gone a week which is a big deal, it's also a week no contact which is even better.

I do sort of have a routine as in I wake up at 6:30am for work and finish at 5:30pm so I have a day of distraction, cant imagine what it would be like if I didn't have a job.

I think I'm going to concentrate on myself now, I don't think I want to drink alcohol for a while either as when I did at the weekend I just wanted him there with me, the weird thing is that when he rang me on Saturday night when I got off the phone I felt happy (I know that sounds pathetic) but I was pleased he called and so had a better night. I don't want him to have that control over me. As horrible as it sounds I want him to be suffering and as upset I am but I think if he was he would have been in touch.

 

Has your ex been in touch with you since the break up?

[TaraMaiden]

SmithJ.... Focus!!

[theonlyjuan]

You will have your good and bad days. I did the same, I didn't let myself cry for the second week. In the end I got fed up with crying and feeling sad, I think my mind has had enough.

 

I know crying and moping doesn't get me anywhere. It's a waste of time that I could be using to do something else. It's not going to give me answers to all the questions I had, and I have given up and stopped looking for answers. Just accepted it for what it is.

 

I don't know what I did to stop feeling like I did during the first few weeks. It just went away a bit. Just scared it's all going to return but hopefully it won't

 

Yeah, well we are meant to be friends. She msg me a couple of times and I met her 2 days ago, so she could return something of mine. We spoke for about an hour and a half and it was nice.

 

She saw me in work a day before that. She said I looked good and really well. Which really cheered me up because I liked the fact she saw me like that and not in pieces.

 

I know what you mean, I wanted mine to at least look like she was having a tough time with it. I think out of the pair of us, I looked better off and seemed happier than she maybe thought I would. Someone in her family isn't well, so she is a bit run down with everything anyway.

[SmithJ]

Tara...I'm trying. His mum has just sent me a message saying she hopes i'm keeping well....

 

Juan I bet that was good for you knowing that you looked better! I don't know how you can cope being friends though, I definitely couldn't handle that. I'm friends with one of my ex's now but it was more of a long fling, we never loved eachother so it doesn't hurt me when he speaks about seeing other people.

 

It's really brave of you to put yourself in the position where you can allow yourself to be friends with her.

[TaraMaiden]

I trust you haven't responded to her.

 

Sadly, No Contact reaches as far as family too... they can become manipulative and resort to mild emotional blackmail.... unintentionally, sure.

But it happens a lot.