Sweetgirl28 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 A couple of weeks ago, a guy whom I had been talking to online for a couple of months went cold on me because I wouldn't have sex with him on the first in-person date. He came on quite strong, showering me with expensive gifts, texting me almost every day, asking to videochat with him all the time, etc. I enjoyed the attention so I was excited when he finally wanted to meet in person. He was acting differently from how he usually behaved: was glued to his phone, started touching me unannounced and in public, ordered for me at the restaurant, making fun of my personal interests, etc. Since I was into him and was feeling guilty for all the money he had spent on me, I tried to ignore it and agreed when he asked me for a commitment. However, he disappeared/went cold on me shortly after and didn't fulfill the promises he had made to me during our date (i.e. a second date the weekend after). In the meantime, I took the time to get over him and when I thought I was almost there, a picture of him and this new girl popped up. Apparently, he is already in a relationship with someone whom he has met two weeks ago. What I'm wondering now is: will he act the same way with her? Will he want to commit so soon in order to dump her after a few weeks?
Author Sweetgirl28 Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 It matters because it would make me feel better if he did. I'm feeling miserable at the moment. They're already posting pics of them together and they've only known each other for 2 weeks.
darkmoon Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 (edited) okay, I think he will go through life like this, a womaniser, there will always be a part of him that want extra-nice things, things he knows how to get you liked him, this new girl likes him...he is a likeable man, he probably looks nice good clothes...he will go thru life noticing likeable girls...they'll be affairs, because there so often are in these situations, sex is everwhere I think you should look for somebody who can give you what you want, and who proves over time, by their actions over a few months that they are worth connecting with, so observe and then decide to trust, and do not take any of them seriously until you see fit Edited June 29, 2013 by darkmoon 1
TaraMaiden Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 It matters because it would make me feel better if he did. I'm feeling miserable at the moment. They're already posting pics of them together and they've only known each other for 2 weeks. Why haven't you de-friended him and blocked him as you should? I know these things hurt, but sadly, being logical, this is self-inflicted. You're creating your own 'hurt'. Why check, when you know full well that what you're going to find is only going to add to your misery? Read the No Contact Guide in my signature, and quit stabbing yourself in the eyes with a fork.
Author Sweetgirl28 Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Him seeing someone new isn't really hurting me. I guess the issue lies within myself. I feel guilty, even disgusting, for allowing him to enter my life the way he did. He wasn't the type of person I would normally go out with. I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years and ever since I got out of that, I feel weak in a way. I haven't had any lasting relationship since then because all the men I tried dating went cold on me, disappeared, or were commitment phobes. I'd like to leave the past behind, but I'm dealing with so many things at the same time that I simply can't do that right now.
TaraMaiden Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Repeating for emphasis: Why haven't you de-friended him and blocked him as you should? I know these things hurt, but sadly, being logical, this is self-inflicted. You're creating your own 'hurt'. Why check, when you know full well that what you're going to find is only going to add to your misery? Read the No Contact Guide in my signature, and quit stabbing yourself in the eyes with a fork. Defriend, block, delete, and don't leave yourself avenues, on purpose, which you only use to inflict pain on yourself. Ii's destructive and masochistic, and achieves nothing. The guys who all flaked on you - cannot all have been entirely and solely at fault. Guys don't just 'flake'. There has to be a trigger that turns things off.... Are you in counselling?
Author Sweetgirl28 Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Apparently, they do. I'm not clingy nor possessive. I always want to take things slowly and I'm not into flings.
TaraMaiden Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I guess the issue lies within myself. I feel guilty, even disgusting, for allowing him to enter my life the way he did. He wasn't the type of person I would normally go out with. I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years and ever since I got out of that, I feel weak in a way..... ....I'd like to leave the past behind, but I'm dealing with so many things at the same time that I simply can't do that right now. I repeat my question: Are you in counselling? It helps. And I'm sorry, but there is always equal responsibility in a relationship... That's 50/50. BLAME - Is proportional. RESPONSIBILITY is down the middle. It takes 2 to tango... ....all the men I tried dating went cold on me, disappeared, or were commitment phobes. How many relationships have you been in, or at least , tried to be in?
MrTurk Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Why haven't you de-friended him and blocked him as you should? I know these things hurt, but sadly, being logical, this is self-inflicted. You're creating your own 'hurt'. Why check, when you know full well that what you're going to find is only going to add to your misery? Read the No Contact Guide in my signature, and quit stabbing yourself in the eyes with a fork. All so true....some women drive themselves crazy with jealousy. Why in the hell does the OP care whats goin on with that dirtball???
spiderowl Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 He sounds like a crap date to me. How rude of him to touch you without permission and to treat you like he did. I would feel sorry for the other woman as she has obviously been taken in by this creep.
spiderowl Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Him seeing someone new isn't really hurting me. I guess the issue lies within myself. I feel guilty, even disgusting, for allowing him to enter my life the way he did. He wasn't the type of person I would normally go out with. I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years and ever since I got out of that, I feel weak in a way. I haven't had any lasting relationship since then because all the men I tried dating went cold on me, disappeared, or were commitment phobes. I'd like to leave the past behind, but I'm dealing with so many things at the same time that I simply can't do that right now. I'm afraid there are a lot of frogs out there, but there are some good guys. It's just that you met the flakes. When you believe that it's them and not you, you might start to feel some confidence in yourself and project a more secure character to guys. If you meet a guy and there are traits you really don't like, dump him! There will be another guy. Eventually, you will meet one with whom you have a real connection and who treats you with respect. So many women seem prepared to put up with bad behaviour because they are lonely, feel unattractive, or the guy is handsome or over-confident. Good looking does not mean nice! 1
Author Sweetgirl28 Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 I'm afraid there are a lot of frogs out there, but there are some good guys. It's just that you met the flakes. When you believe that it's them and not you, you might start to feel some confidence in yourself and project a more secure character to guys. If you meet a guy and there are traits you really don't like, dump him! There will be another guy. Eventually, you will meet one with whom you have a real connection and who treats you with respect. So many women seem prepared to put up with bad behaviour because they are lonely, feel unattractive, or the guy is handsome or over-confident. Good looking does not mean nice! Thanks! This post was really helpful. It's no use blaming people for 50% of the relationship. Some relationships simply don't work that way. This guy obviously had narcissistic traits which I could smell from a distance. Some of the things he'd tell me include: "the moment I started talking you must have changed your life", "I'm a superior being", and "all my exes were after my money, but you are different from any girl I know". It's true that I was ready to put up with his BS, because I did feel lonely at the time. My best friend had just moved away, and I didn't really have anyone to fall back to. He entered my life when I was vulnerable.
spiderowl Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Thanks! This post was really helpful. It's no use blaming people for 50% of the relationship. Some relationships simply don't work that way. This guy obviously had narcissistic traits which I could smell from a distance. Some of the things he'd tell me include: "the moment I started talking you must have changed your life", "I'm a superior being", and "all my exes were after my money, but you are different from any girl I know". It's true that I was ready to put up with his BS, because I did feel lonely at the time. My best friend had just moved away, and I didn't really have anyone to fall back to. He entered my life when I was vulnerable. He does sound a bit full of himself, to say the least. I do know what it's like to feel lonely. I used to fall for the lines and the attention. Now I know that just because a guy says he likes me and pays me attention, it doesn't make him a nice guy. One needs to look beyond the superficial attention and interest to the characteristics a guy is displaying. Is he kind? Does he listen to you and understand what you say? Does he remember things about you? Does he offer to help with (whatever) and follow through or is it only ever a vague offer? Is he cruel or hurtful? Is he very judgmental of others (because he's likely to become that way with any woman too). Does he make personal remarks about that you wouldn't ever consider making to your friends? Do you know his friends and family (they are better character references half the time than what he says about himself)? Be brave and turn the low-quality guys down. You will feel more respect for yourself and that will have an effect on the guys too. If you believe the decent guys will be interested in you, they will. 1
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