Anna-Belle Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 (edited) Well here is an alternative view from another a phD that sites empircal data. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/200803/loving-two-people-the-same-time "Empirical evidence clearly suggests that humans are capable of loving and having sex with more than one person at the same time. Indeed, most people I interviewed for the book, In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and its Victims, said that they can romantically love, and actually have loved, a few people at the same time." Seems quite common unless one has a myopic view of realtionships and humanity. Based on my own experience (which is limited by nature) I am capable of loving and having sex with more than one person at the same time, but not to be in love with more than one person at a time. Maybe others have different experiences, but that's mine. I had two parallel relationships running for a year and a half. I loved them both, I lusted for them both, but was only in love with one. Edited June 29, 2013 by Anna-Belle
ComingInHot Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I've gotta be honest w/this. I have an Incredible capacity to Love. I Love to Love!* I have liked men at the same time. Dated men at the same time (they knew & no sex) . I think I could have Loved more than One man at the same time. But I hadn't been "ready" to give All of myself during this time of dating multiple men (I was dating to find out what I liked, needed and was willing to put up w/in my future life long H. Had I been in a situation though, where two men simultaneously "rang my bell", I believe I could have loved them both. I've met men after I was M whom I probably could have fallen for BUT I never allowed that to happen. I made my choice, my commitment and wasn't going to compromise myself or family.
Pierre Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 A "multi dater" is likely just testing the waters and hasn't fallen in love with anyone specific yet. It depends. Some sleep with multiple partners simultaneously and develop conflicting romantic feelings fro more than one person.
Pierre Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Long term love does not automatically exclude passion. It is when it does exclude passion (or intimacy) that there is an opening for falling in love with someone else. Yes, there are plentiful bouts of passion in long term love. I did not mean to say otherwise. However, the love is much less obsessive. There is a calm relaxed state.
ComingInHot Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 pierre wrote, " It depends. Some sleep with multiple partners simultaneously and develop conflicting romantic feelings fro more than one person." I may have not been "aware" at the time, but I think that's why I chose not to have sex while I was dating said multi* It's also nice that if I see Most of these men on the street, we can be sincerely glad to see each other and introduce our spouses and children. Zero awkwardness. I'm awkward enough as it is...
spice4life Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 If my MM had taken upon him to make a decision for me, I would have been very upset. I am fully capable of making the decision whether or not to be in a relationship. I don't need anyone to take it for me mistaking it to be "true love". Romantic love is selfish love. Anna-Belle, what do you mean by "take it for me" regarding your xMM? Can you clarify and how does it relate to what I posted? I don't think what I posted has anything to do with your response to it. I was referring to my xMM knowing - after telling him many many times - that being with him the way we were was hurting me. I didn't "take" any decision from him by leaving because he knew how I felt and he also knew the situation wouldn't change. I took responsibility for myself and took care of myself by finally walking away. So again, how does your response relate to what I posted. I'm confused. He knew it was hurting me and yet he wanted to continue for his own reasons without any changes. That is how I knew he didn't truly love me. If he did he would have cared enough to stop the pain and let me go. That is what I was referring to by "true love."
Anna-Belle Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Anna-Belle, what do you mean by "take it for me" regarding your xMM? Can you clarify and how does it relate to what I posted? I don't think what I posted has anything to do with your response to it. I was referring to my xMM knowing - after telling him many many times - that being with him the way we were was hurting me. I didn't "take" any decision from him by leaving because he knew how I felt and he also knew the situation wouldn't change. I took responsibility for myself and took care of myself by finally walking away. So again, how does your response relate to what I posted. I'm confused. He knew it was hurting me and yet he wanted to continue for his own reasons without any changes. That is how I knew he didn't truly love me. If he did he would have cared enough to stop the pain and let me go. That is what I was referring to by "true love." I meant "to make a decision for me". IMO romantic love is selfish love and we want to be with the one we love. It was your responsibility, not his, to end a relationship where you were being hurt. You thus made the proper decision to leave him. I know of relationships where the MM indeed made the decision to end the relationship to spare the OW from hurt. This generally ends up being detrimental for both of them. The bond is not gone and the emotions linger on, both are unable to truly emotionally let go off each other. Your MM offered you what he had to give you, you didn't want it, so you ended the relationship. Clean cut, no confusion, no saddling the responsibility of another. True romantic love is not altruistic. True companionate love can be. We don't have to agree. This is how I look at it. I was responding to your post.
MissBee Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 (edited) I meant "to make a decision for me". IMO romantic love is selfish love and we want to be with the one we love. It was your responsibility, not his, to end a relationship where you were being hurt. You thus made the proper decision to leave him. I know of relationships where the MM indeed made the decision to end the relationship to spare the OW from hurt. This generally ends up being detrimental for both of them. The bond is not gone and the emotions linger on, both are unable to truly emotionally let go off each other. Your MM offered you what he had to give you, you didn't want it, so you ended the relationship. Clean cut, no confusion, no saddling the responsibility of another. True romantic love is not altruistic. True companionate love can be. We don't have to agree. This is how I look at it. I was responding to your post. This blends nicely with my theory that romantic love is the most fickle form of love there is. It comes and goes, people can fall in and out of it, it's selfish as you said. It's the hardest to maintain and is often tied up in lust and self-interest and if tickled the right way one can develop it with another. I think good relationships that are lasting aren't only made up of romantic love. But polyamorous and polygamous people will tell you they can spread romantic love around. As for if a MM ending a relationship to spare the OW being detrimental....I doubt. Many breakups still have feelings lingering, but one or both choose to end it because they know it's a dead end. It hurts...it takes a while to get over, but isn't "detrimental." My exAP doing that for me was a blessing personally. Edited June 29, 2013 by MissBee
HonestNeurotic Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Very easy to love more than one person. Just Google "loving more than one woman/man/partner", plenty of academic information, theories and musings. It is the sex negative culture and the religious right zealot BS that influences thinking about this issue today. Fortunately that is all changing slowly. While I love my wife, even with all her failings as a partner, I feel love for her even though she ceased being pleasant to be around. I also love my OW but would never want to live with her day to day or her with me. The FWB realtionships have a lighter touch of love but are more based on connection and sex in the moments we share. :raises hand in agreement: I love my husband. Implicitly. We didn't share those standard vows when we got married, so none have been broken. I also love my MM. Differently. I could never be with him all the time. In fact, it surprised me immensely that I fell in love. FWB/sex was all that I was seeking. All I've ever really had before. Never ever expected it. I think the problems are not because of loving more than one person - it's the acceptance by society and the lies that end up surrounding such things. I don't think there is anything wrong with polyamory. As long as everyone involved is agreeable to said arrangement. That being said - it's not for MOST people. I think that many affairs are out of lust only. I don't think that's all so bad either. I do understand that is not the mainstream thinking for many people. I think that having children together can also change the dynamic in expectations of fidelity. I wasn't really "in love" with my first husband ever - but never thought of going outside of my marriage. I was too busy with our three children and we had too much sex. Lots of lust, companionship, and sex, but no real love. I was content for many years, but living a LIE.
spice4life Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 This blends nicely with my theory that romantic love is the most fickle form of love there is. It comes and goes, people can fall in and out of it, it's selfish as you said. It's the hardest to maintain and is often tied up in lust and self-interest and if tickled the right way one can develop it with another. I think good relationships that are lasting aren't only made up of romantic love. But polyamorous and polygamous people will tell you they can spread romantic love around. As for if a MM ending a relationship to spare the OW being detrimental....I doubt. Many breakups still have feelings lingering, but one or both choose to end it because they know it's a dead end. It hurts...it takes a while to get over, but isn't "detrimental." My exAP doing that for me was a blessing personally. This makes a lot of sense. I particularly agree with the last paragraph. In my situation, if my xMM had told me way back when that he and his wife were reconciling and that he wanted to end it and let me go because he cared too much to see me settle for breadcrumbs, I would have respected that. It would have given me closure and the ability to truly heal and move on. Sure, it would have hurt for while, but when there is an absolute that you can't argue with, it allows you to grieve and move on. There is nothing altruistic about it; it's just honesty plain and simple. It's over now and I think we both have the closure we needed to finally cut the unhealthy string that kept us together. We are both free to focus 100% on our own lives without any distractions. 1
MissBee Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 This makes a lot of sense. I particularly agree with the last paragraph. In my situation, if my xMM had told me way back when that he and his wife were reconciling and that he wanted to end it and let me go because he cared too much to see me settle for breadcrumbs, I would have respected that. It would have given me closure and the ability to truly heal and move on. Sure, it would have hurt for while, but when there is an absolute that you can't argue with, it allows you to grieve and move on. There is nothing altruistic about it; it's just honesty plain and simple. It's over now and I think we both have the closure we needed to finally cut the unhealthy string that kept us together. We are both free to focus 100% on our own lives without any distractions. Yepp . The respect piece is important, because I ended up respecting him a lot more for what he did and the somewhat altruism he showed in putting what was best for me above his desire to have me at all cost, selfishly, and while hurting me. I haven't lived that long, but I've had enough experience with "romantic love" and its dramas and selfishness to realize that, it's not the end-all-be-all. It is a START, but romantic love without: respect, honoring that person, honestly, loyalty, trust, a willingness to do for etc. is simply you being hopped up on dopamine and saying "you're mine mine mine" like a 3 yr old who "loves" his toy...but he can easily get a new toy and love it too and that mere feeling of romantic love is just not enough. It's a start indeed....but is just so chemically driven and while we're part animals, we're also humans with higher capacities and I think true love and real love encompass those higher functions and not just the lower, base drives. I think you can have romantic love and romantic feelings for any number of people, from having many crushes to being enthralled with more than one person. But what it takes to sustain a deeply intimate relationship which encompasses the higher qualities, is less easy to do with multiple people. 1
Anna-Belle Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 This makes a lot of sense. I particularly agree with the last paragraph. In my situation, if my xMM had told me way back when that he and his wife were reconciling and that he wanted to end it and let me go because he cared too much to see me settle for breadcrumbs, I would have respected that. It would have given me closure and the ability to truly heal and move on. Sure, it would have hurt for while, but when there is an absolute that you can't argue with, it allows you to grieve and move on. There is nothing altruistic about it; it's just honesty plain and simple. It's over now and I think we both have the closure we needed to finally cut the unhealthy string that kept us together. We are both free to focus 100% on our own lives without any distractions. Aah, but he didn't want to end it and that's why it would have been altruistic to do so for you. I'll leave it at that since I fear this is a thread jack.
SweetiePie12 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I am not sure it's possible for me. Sunday I treated my friend as a friend as I needed to focus on a reconciliation but yesterday? Oh my, different story. I love friend. Love, love, love him. Ex is taking too long with reconciliation, so I've shifted my focus (again). Friend would be OK with me having two men in my life, but ex would never, EVER go for it, so... I personally need to concentrate on one man at a time. Only one leading man role in the feature film which is my life.
MissBee Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I am not sure it's possible for me. Sunday I treated my friend as a friend as I needed to focus on a reconciliation but yesterday? Oh my, different story. I love friend. Love, love, love him. Ex is taking too long with reconciliation, so I've shifted my focus (again). Friend would be OK with me having two men in my life, but ex would never, EVER go for it, so... I personally need to concentrate on one man at a time. Only one leading man role in the feature film which is my life. You're funny Sweetie.... 3
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