LilGirlandOW Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I've never had relationships going with more than one partner at a time. I'm respectfully asking men or women who have expereinced plural love to help me out here, I'm trying to grasp how it happens? and what the difference between the love you feel for each of them. I'm curious what it feels like Like for example... were they both always on your mind? and who would you call with big news, or you need a chat... just some examples I'm really curious
Sooverhim Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Interesting question, and one that I would love to know the answer to myself:) For me, I have only ever loved one person at a time, and cannot understand how people can love more than one person simultaneously. Before and during my A, I no longer loved my H, we had drifted apart and I had detached from him emotionally and physically. I then fell madly in love with XMM, I loved him passionately, completely and overwhelmingly, I wanted to be with him forever. I believed all that "soulmate, destined to be together, two sides of the same coin" garbage, and I thought he was the one for me:o XMM on the other hand was one of those people who is able to love more than one person at a time. Apparently, he loved his wife but was not "in love" with her. He was however "in love" with me. He claimed to love us both, he wanted both of us, he didn't want to be without me and he couldn't possibly hurt his W and would never leave her. I find that hard to believe. What I think was the reality is that he loves his wife, properly, completely, forever. I think what he felt for me was "lust", it was emotions, feelings and urges which were confined to what Pierre calls the "affair bubble". It wasn't real. What was real was the love he feels outside the "affair bubble" for his wife. I gradually started to love XMM less and less as his rejection of me and choice to stay with his W destroyed me bit by bit until I was just a shell of my former self. At the point at which I ended it I had very little love left for him. As I mentioned in another post, I then discussed my feelings about my M with my H and together we have made the decision to work on our M, improve it and as a result we are happy again and yes, I do love my H again, I love him with all my heart. I have no feelings of love for XMM whatsoever. 1
waterwoman Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 sooverhim - the way you talk about your MM is the the way I feel H felt about his OW. He was infatuated with the way she made him feel, the 'him' she saw reflected in his eyes. I will willingly admit I hadn't 'worshipped' him for many years I had lived with him long enough to know he has feet of clay and many other faults but I love him dearly even so. But she told him he was 'the man for her' and made him feel wonderful again. Of course everyone needs to feel like that and I admit I did need to do more ego-boosting (there were reasons why I struggled with that but it's a loooong story). We are reconciling. Doing OK most of the time. The issue is with me now - I am not sure this is enough for me. I didn't like being forced to share. So while he might be able to love 2 people at once, I am not sure I can accept being one of two, even for a short period. Time will tell.
Anna-Belle Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 You can love two people or more, but you can only be in love with one.
Anna-Belle Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Interesting question, and one that I would love to know the answer to myself:) For me, I have only ever loved one person at a time, and cannot understand how people can love more than one person simultaneously. Before and during my A, I no longer loved my H, we had drifted apart and I had detached from him emotionally and physically. I then fell madly in love with XMM, I loved him passionately, completely and overwhelmingly, I wanted to be with him forever. I believed all that "soulmate, destined to be together, two sides of the same coin" garbage, and I thought he was the one for me:o XMM on the other hand was one of those people who is able to love more than one person at a time. Apparently, he loved his wife but was not "in love" with her. He was however "in love" with me. He claimed to love us both, he wanted both of us, he didn't want to be without me and he couldn't possibly hurt his W and would never leave her. I find that hard to believe. What I think was the reality is that he loves his wife, properly, completely, forever. I think what he felt for me was "lust", it was emotions, feelings and urges which were confined to what Pierre calls the "affair bubble". It wasn't real. What was real was the love he feels outside the "affair bubble" for his wife. I gradually started to love XMM less and less as his rejection of me and choice to stay with his W destroyed me bit by bit until I was just a shell of my former self. At the point at which I ended it I had very little love left for him. As I mentioned in another post, I then discussed my feelings about my M with my H and together we have made the decision to work on our M, improve it and as a result we are happy again and yes, I do love my H again, I love him with all my heart. I have no feelings of love for XMM whatsoever. This is consistent with my experience as the WS. When the new love doesn't turn out, it's possible to go back to the old love.
spice4life Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Are you referring to an affair? I believe if smeone is truly in love and can't be with you or give you what you need and want, they would let you go and not expect you to accept less than you deserve. That's true love. Solving unmet needs by having an affair is nothing more than faulty coping mechanisms. The hurt that results from expecting someone to accept being with you while you straddle two relatonships is not love. A person would not do that to a person they truly love. 3
Anna-Belle Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Are you referring to an affair? I believe if smeone is truly in love and can't be with you or give you what you need and want, they would let you go and not expect you to accept less than you deserve. That's true love. Solving unmet needs by having an affair is nothing more than faulty coping mechanisms. The hurt that results from expecting someone to accept being with you while you straddle two relatonships is not love. A person would not do that to a person they truly love. If my MM had taken upon him to make a decision for me, I would have been very upset. I am fully capable of making the decision whether or not to be in a relationship. I don't need anyone to take it for me mistaking it to be "true love". Romantic love is selfish love. The MM is already making the mistake of making the decision for the BS. Finally he's learning to care for himself and not just for others. That is the road to "true love" and to happiness. Hopefully he can eventually let go of the misguided care of his BS and get a divorce and move on. 2
Anna-Belle Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Are you referring to an affair? I believe if smeone is truly in love and can't be with you or give you what you need and want, they would let you go and not expect you to accept less than you deserve. That's true love. Solving unmet needs by having an affair is nothing more than faulty coping mechanisms. The hurt that results from expecting someone to accept being with you while you straddle two relatonships is not love. A person would not do that to a person they truly love. To be fair there are of course those who just have an affair to meet their own needs and are not in love with their affair partner. 3
spice4life Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 If my MM had taken upon him to make a decision for me, I would have been very upset. I am fully capable of making the decision whether or not to be in a relationship. I don't need anyone to take it for me mistaking it to be "true love". Romantic love is selfish love. The MM is already making the mistake of making the decision for the BS. Finally he's learning to care for himself and not just for others. That is the road to "true love" and to happiness. Hopefully he can eventually let go of the misguided care of his BS and get a divorce and move on. Precisely. I agree with the bolded part 100%. 1
spice4life Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 To be fair there are of course those who just have an affair to meet their own needs and are not in love with their affair partner. I agree again as this was the case in my situation. I knew he didn't love me; I was just his "parenthesis", his little oasis away from the daily grind of life and nothing more. If he truly loved me he would have let me go along time ago knowing he only wanted an affair. He knew it was causing me a lot of pain and someone who is in love with you would not want to hurt or ask you to put yourself at risk like that. They would let you go. I, of course, accept my part 100% as well. I had faulty coping mechanisms too. Not anymore that's why I was finally able to leave for good. I'm sorry if my post offended you in any way. Again, I agree that taking care of yourself and sorting out your life is the path to true love.
Anna-Belle Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I agree again as this was the case in my situation. I knew he didn't love me; I was just his "parenthesis", his little oasis away from the daily grind of life and nothing more. If he truly loved me he would have let me go along time ago knowing he only wanted an affair. He knew it was causing me a lot of pain and someone who is in love with you would not want to hurt or ask you to put yourself at risk like that. They would let you go. I, of course, accept my part 100% as well. I had faulty coping mechanisms too. Not anymore that's why I was finally able to leave for good. I'm sorry if my post offended you in any way. Again, I agree that taking care of yourself and sorting out your life is the path to true love. No worry, we don't have to agree on everything. I'm happy for you you are out of the affair since it was causing you pain.
grassisorisntgreener Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 You can love two people or more, but you can only be in love with one. My answer exactly.
Pierre Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I've never had relationships going with more than one partner at a time. I'm respectfully asking men or women who have expereinced plural love to help me out here, I'm trying to grasp how it happens? and what the difference between the love you feel for each of them. I'm curious what it feels like Like for example... were they both always on your mind? and who would you call with big news, or you need a chat... just some examples I'm really curious Long term calm relaxed love for wife with few butterflies. More passionate, full of romantic enchantment love for the OW. Both can coexist for some people. If you read the forum you will see many examples. The typical description is: "I love you, but I am not in love with you". At the onset the phrase sounds idiotic, but it actually represents love without butterflies and love with butterflies. 1
John Bigboote Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I've never had relationships going with more than one partner at a time. I'm respectfully asking men or women who have expereinced plural love to help me out here, I'm trying to grasp how it happens? and what the difference between the love you feel for each of them. I'm curious what it feels like Like for example... were they both always on your mind? and who would you call with big news, or you need a chat... just some examples I'm really curious It's easy to grasp how it happens. No one ever condemns people for having another child, claiming that you can't love them both at the same time. No one ever wonders how you can love each of your parents simultaneously. It's the same with multiple romantic partners. My love for one doesn't diminish my love for the other. I'm currently in love with two people, so I will answer your questions in order: No, they aren't both always on my mind. To always have someone on your mind isn't love. It's obsession. Always having someone on your mind interferes with your work, your hobbies, anything other than that person you might want to be doing or actually are doing.With big news, I'd call them both. Which I would call first would depend on a number of things. A* can generally not ever be reached at work, so during the day I would call or text B* first. I actually live with A*, so in the evenings she would probably be the first to know.If I needed a chat, it would depend on the kind of chat I needed to have. A* is better at listening to emotional-type crap, while B* is better at listening to "guess what happened today" type ****. But again, I would probably eventually chat with both of them, probably when we all sit down to dinner together. The loves I feel for them are different; they're different people. I fell in love with them for different reasons, and feel different combinations of emotions when I think about them. You can love two people or more, but you can only be in love with one. It is extremely patronizing to tell people what they feel. 2
thecharade Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Just spent a full hour discussing this with my therapist. My question: can you/will you love anyone that treats you decently, given enough time? After much discussion of friendships and step-families and co-workers, she replied, "Yes." But that is just general, respectful, "I really appreciate you" love. We all feel that in many ways and for many people. You can only be ROMANTICALLY in love with one person at a time (or even nobody at all, which explains many MM. We all know narcissists don't realize they don't love anyone but themselves). And sex does not define romantic love, but 'touchy, feely, gooey emotions' do. Is it infatuation? Whatever. I've always considered infatuation what you feel for someone you are NOT in a relationship with. But romantic love is the first stage of love, however you want to label it. Doesn't change it. Companionate love is very easy (you can have it for almost anyone you live with for a long period of time, which is why arranged marriages end up working out) but it is very dangerous if something more satisfying comes along. People can resent that idea all day and all night long, but that doesn't make it untrue. Companionate love is not an acceptable place to rest. Couples need to work at keeping some passion and excitement alive. My xMM only felt/feels romantic love for me, but he definitely loves/appreciates/respects his W. And that's simply how it is in MY situation, but not every affair has that dynamic. Mine did. Since none of you know me or him, you'll have to defer to my expertise on this. Would our romantic love have turned companionate? Sure, probably, but not every couple does. I do think it can be a cop out and not something people should settle for. You don't want someone staying married to you out of pure loyalty; you want them to want you in every way, only you. Companionate love won't cut it. 2
Pierre Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 The initial full of passion love evolves into long term love if the couple is successful. 1
Owl Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 My wife summed it up pretty well in one of her conversations with xOM. She told him that she was struggling to be in love with two men...she felt she was slowly falling out of love with me, and more in love with him. Which makes sense. The relationship you feed is the one that grows...stop feeding the other one, and it wanes. You can only truly 'feed' one at a time.
MissBee Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 (edited) I've never had relationships going with more than one partner at a time. I'm respectfully asking men or women who have expereinced plural love to help me out here, I'm trying to grasp how it happens? and what the difference between the love you feel for each of them. I'm curious what it feels like Like for example... were they both always on your mind? and who would you call with big news, or you need a chat... just some examples I'm really curious I believe we can have romantic feelings for more than one person at a time. I think the intensity of our romantic feelings when a relationship is new, usually precludes us from having anymore emotional/romantic energy to expend on others, but with time, as it cools, you're able to find another person to expend romantic energy on. I think monogamy is a choice and not just this natural thing where once you marry or find "the one" you automatically can no longer be attracted to/have romance with another. Anyway...I have never been in an exclusive relationship with one person while being in love with someone else. But in casual dating I have been able to have strong romantic feelings for two people at the same time (that has been my max. I haven't ever been in a situation where I had strong feelings for more than 2 people). The two people were different. The stuff I loved about one, wasn't the same stuff I loved about the other. One of them I was more emotionally compatible with and communication was effortless, so in some ways, I loved him more or was more emotionally attached to him. The other, I was incrediiiibly sexually attracted to, couldn't help myself around him. I also was in love with his way of thinking about the world and how he carried himself. Some things I could talk to one about endlessly, I didn't really talk to the other about and vice-versa. Some news I shared with both of them, some news just one, some, I told one first and not the other. They sometimes were in my mind simultaneously, but more often than not, the one I had the most recent enjoyable time with, would occupy my mind until I had a new enjoyable experience with the other one...then I'd be on a "high" from that. But at the end of the day: one made sense in my life more in a longer term, sustainable way and one didn't. Well in reality neither of them were "it" for me but if I had to choose, I knew which one was a better investment, so to speak. But I enjoyed them both tremendously and for different reasons, they were both great but different guys, one more so my "fantasy" guy...kind of embarrassing, as one reason I gravitated towards him was because he looks exactly like my celebrity crush lol. The other was more so my regular "type". I often wished to combine them both into one package. Edited June 28, 2013 by MissBee 1
Pierre Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Multi daters can love more than one person. Single daters cannot do that. Some having affairs can love two people. But, others fall out of love with the spouse right away. 1
Bailey14 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 My MM claims to love me and his wife......he clearly loves her more because he chooses to stay with her.....no rose-colored glasses on this face!!!
Anna-Belle Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Multi daters can love more than one person. Single daters cannot do that. Some having affairs can love two people. But, others fall out of love with the spouse right away. A "multi dater" is likely just testing the waters and hasn't fallen in love with anyone specific yet.
Anna-Belle Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 (edited) The initial full of passion love evolves into long term love if the couple is successful. Long term love does not automatically exclude passion. It is when it does exclude passion (or intimacy) that there is an opening for falling in love with someone else. Edited June 29, 2013 by Anna-Belle 2
Morgoth Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Very easy to love more than one person. Just Google "loving more than one woman/man/partner", plenty of academic information, theories and musings. It is the sex negative culture and the religious right zealot BS that influences thinking about this issue today. Fortunately that is all changing slowly. While I love my wife, even with all her failings as a partner, I feel love for her even though she ceased being pleasant to be around. I also love my OW but would never want to live with her day to day or her with me. The FWB realtionships have a lighter touch of love but are more based on connection and sex in the moments we share. 2
Anna-Belle Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Very easy to love more than one person. Just Google "loving more than one woman/man/partner", plenty of academic information, theories and musings. It is the sex negative culture and the religious right zealot BS that influences thinking about this issue today. Fortunately that is all changing slowly. While I love my wife, even with all her failings as a partner, I feel love for her even though she ceased being pleasant to be around. I also love my OW but would never want to live with her day to day or her with me. The FWB realtionships have a lighter touch of love but are more based on connection and sex in the moments we share. A google search led me to Dr Helen Fisher's answer to this question: "Q: Can someone truly love more than one person? Dr. Fisher: No. I think you can feel lust for more than one person, and feelings of attachment for more than one person. But not love. As the Indian aphorism goes, 'The lane of love is narrow; there is room for only one.'” Chemistry - Love, Explained * lust * attachment * romantic love not to be confused 1
Morgoth Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 A google search led me to Dr Helen Fisher's answer to this question: "Q: Can someone truly love more than one person? Dr. Fisher: No. I think you can feel lust for more than one person, and feelings of attachment for more than one person. But not love. As the Indian aphorism goes, 'The lane of love is narrow; there is room for only one.'” Chemistry - Love, Explained * lust * attachment * romantic love not to be confused Well here is an alternative view from another a phD that sites empircal data. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/200803/loving-two-people-the-same-time "Empirical evidence clearly suggests that humans are capable of loving and having sex with more than one person at the same time. Indeed, most people I interviewed for the book, In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and its Victims, said that they can romantically love, and actually have loved, a few people at the same time." Seems quite common unless one has a myopic view of realtionships and humanity. 1
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