Rebound ??

[Ally-65]

Hi to all,

So 5 months ago, I started an affair with a married man who I unfortuately happen to work with. I knew he was married and I did not plan for the affair, but I did tell him at the Christmas party that I found him very attractive. He said he felt the same, and for a while we just texted each other, out of work. Over Christmas he said that he wanted to meet me, to talk....... and the affair started. At this time he was in an unhappy marriage and was telling me that he wanted me and him to be together and that he loved me and hated being away from me. He said that he and his wife just argued all the time.

So, a couple of months ago he and his wife agreed to divorce. She does not know about me, and no one else does either. He moved out of the Family house as his wife got it.

So, here's the bit I dont understand, since he has left his wife and home (he is living in rented accomodation - not with me), he has been blowing hot and Cold with me. It will go days with me hearing nothing from him. I dont see him much at work as he travels around the country. I texted him a week ago to ask where Things stood with "us" - He said that he was not sure how to answer me and he would talk to me when he has something to say!

I feel completely disrespected by that comment. I dont get how he could say all that stuff when he was with his wife and then change, when we could now be together.

Was I just a distraction in a bad situation?

[LilGirlandOW]

Wow Ally ((BIG hugs)) could it be possible the going ons with the divorce cause some kinda nervous breakdown?

[HopingAgain]

There are a couple of possibilities, he's trying to reconcile with his wife, he's enjoying his new found freedom, he's trying to heal alone, or hes seeing someone elsd. In any case, hes blowing you off and rather than sitting around waiting on him, probably best to forget his promises and move on. Its possible this was an exit affair for him and he used you to cishionhis fall as he jumped out of his marriage.

[waterwoman]

He's tasting the heady air of freedom! I'd keep away until he has got over the initial intoxication and maybe ready to settle down again.

 

or he's having second thoughts about his marriage.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Hi to all,

So 5 months ago, I started an affair with a married man who I unfortuately happen to work with. I knew he was married and I did not plan for the affair, but I did tell him at the Christmas party that I found him very attractive. He said he felt the same, and for a while we just texted each other, out of work. Over Christmas he said that he wanted to meet me, to talk....... and the affair started. At this time he was in an unhappy marriage and was telling me that he wanted me and him to be together and that he loved me and hated being away from me. He said that he and his wife just argued all the time.

So, a couple of months ago he and his wife agreed to divorce. She does not know about me, and no one else does either. He moved out of the Family house as his wife got it.

So, here's the bit I dont understand, since he has left his wife and home (he is living in rented accomodation - not with me), he has been blowing hot and Cold with me. It will go days with me hearing nothing from him. I dont see him much at work as he travels around the country. I texted him a week ago to ask where Things stood with "us" - He said that he was not sure how to answer me and he would talk to me when he has something to say!

I feel completely disrespected by that comment. I dont get how he could say all that stuff when he was with his wife and then change, when we could now be together.

Was I just a distraction in a bad situation?

 

Some people may interpret that he lied to you from the start, but I'm not of the mind that that's true. It could be, don't get me wrong, but I'm putting myself in his head right now; as in, I'm thinking about what it would be like if/when I divorce my husband.

 

It's entirely possible he meant what he said to you; either in the context that he was experiencing the infatuation aspect, or it may have meant more. Either way, once the reality of divorce was talked about, and then was followed through with, he would likely experience some ambivalence from it. That is to say mixed emotions.

 

The divorce is fairly new, so he may be experiencing some withdrawal from his wife, no matter how strained things were between them. He might just need time to adapt to the change. After all, jumping right into a relationship with you after a divorce wouldn't bode well for either of you.

 

Give him time; he needs to process this. If after a sufficient amount of time, he is still running more cold than hot, you can either choose to give him more time, or to tell him you're not waiting around forever. You have the right to make a choice based on how you feel, as well.

 

If he comes around, and you still want something serious with him, by all means, follow through. But if you don't want to wait around, then don't.

[Goodbye]

Hi to all,

So 5 months ago, I started an affair with a married man who I unfortuately happen to work with. I knew he was married and I did not plan for the affair, but I did tell him at the Christmas party that I found him very attractive. He said he felt the same, and for a while we just texted each other, out of work. Over Christmas he said that he wanted to meet me, to talk....... and the affair started. At this time he was in an unhappy marriage and was telling me that he wanted me and him to be together and that he loved me and hated being away from me. He said that he and his wife just argued all the time.

So, a couple of months ago he and his wife agreed to divorce. She does not know about me, and no one else does either. He moved out of the Family house as his wife got it.

So, here's the bit I dont understand, since he has left his wife and home (he is living in rented accomodation - not with me), he has been blowing hot and Cold with me. It will go days with me hearing nothing from him. I dont see him much at work as he travels around the country. I texted him a week ago to ask where Things stood with "us" - He said that he was not sure how to answer me and he would talk to me when he has something to say!

I feel completely disrespected by that comment. I dont get how he could say all that stuff when he was with his wife and then change, when we could now be together.

Was I just a distraction in a bad situation?

 

 

Actually, I kind of respect what he has done. It sounds like he left his marriage because it wasn't working. Not for another woman. It sounds like (I have not idea, obviously if this is what is going on) he is working and living and dealing with his own stuff. Give him space...lots of it. If he comes back divorced, that would be ideal. Be happy that he didn't meet you, move out impusivley and jump in head first into a relationship with you. He'd wake up shocked one day and go running back to his W to see if he'd made a mistake.

[Pierre]

Hi to all,

So 5 months ago, I started an affair with a married man who I unfortuately happen to work with. I knew he was married and I did not plan for the affair, but I did tell him at the Christmas party that I found him very attractive. He said he felt the same, and for a while we just texted each other, out of work. Over Christmas he said that he wanted to meet me, to talk....... and the affair started. At this time he was in an unhappy marriage and was telling me that he wanted me and him to be together and that he loved me and hated being away from me. He said that he and his wife just argued all the time.

So, a couple of months ago he and his wife agreed to divorce. She does not know about me, and no one else does either. He moved out of the Family house as his wife got it.

So, here's the bit I dont understand, since he has left his wife and home (he is living in rented accomodation - not with me), he has been blowing hot and Cold with me. It will go days with me hearing nothing from him. I dont see him much at work as he travels around the country. I texted him a week ago to ask where Things stood with "us" - He said that he was not sure how to answer me and he would talk to me when he has something to say!

I feel completely disrespected by that comment. I dont get how he could say all that stuff when he was with his wife and then change, when we could now be together.

Was I just a distraction in a bad situation?

 

 

When the guy was married his options only included women that ignored his marital status.

 

Now he has a lot of options. All the women that may have seen his marriage as a barrier are now available to him. Now he is like a kid in a candy store.

 

I am sorry to hear he has gone cold. But, most of the time these men are not ready to jump into a relationship in the open. The pressure on him would be very high. OTOH, as a married man he had no pressure.

[Pierre]

Actually, I kind of respect what he has done. It sounds like he left his marriage because it wasn't working. Not for another woman. It sounds like (I have not idea, obviously if this is what is going on) he is working and living and dealing with his own stuff. Give him space...lots of it. If he comes back divorced, that would be ideal. Be happy that he didn't meet you, move out impusivley and jump in head first into a relationship with you. He'd wake up shocked one day and go running back to his W to see if he'd made a mistake.

 

This is an excellent post, I agree.

[Pierre]

Some people may interpret that he lied to you from the start, but I'm not of the mind that that's true. It could be, don't get me wrong, but I'm putting myself in his head right now; as in, I'm thinking about what it would be like if/when I divorce my husband.

 

It's entirely possible he meant what he said to you; either in the context that he was experiencing the infatuation aspect, or it may have meant more. Either way, once the reality of divorce was talked about, and then was followed through with, he would likely experience some ambivalence from it. That is to say mixed emotions.

 

The divorce is fairly new, so he may be experiencing some withdrawal from his wife, no matter how strained things were between them. He might just need time to adapt to the change. After all, jumping right into a relationship with you after a divorce wouldn't bode well for either of you.

 

Give him time; he needs to process this. If after a sufficient amount of time, he is still running more cold than hot, you can either choose to give him more time, or to tell him you're not waiting around forever. You have the right to make a choice based on how you feel, as well.

 

If he comes around, and you still want something serious with him, by all means, follow through. But if you don't want to wait around, then don't.

 

Great insight! I agree, when he spoke it came from the heart, however he was inside the affair bubble. The reality outside the bubble is different.

[MissBee]

Hi to all,

So 5 months ago, I started an affair with a married man who I unfortuately happen to work with. I knew he was married and I did not plan for the affair, but I did tell him at the Christmas party that I found him very attractive. He said he felt the same, and for a while we just texted each other, out of work. Over Christmas he said that he wanted to meet me, to talk....... and the affair started. At this time he was in an unhappy marriage and was telling me that he wanted me and him to be together and that he loved me and hated being away from me. He said that he and his wife just argued all the time.

So, a couple of months ago he and his wife agreed to divorce. She does not know about me, and no one else does either. He moved out of the Family house as his wife got it.

So, here's the bit I dont understand, since he has left his wife and home (he is living in rented accomodation - not with me), he has been blowing hot and Cold with me. It will go days with me hearing nothing from him. I dont see him much at work as he travels around the country. I texted him a week ago to ask where Things stood with "us" - He said that he was not sure how to answer me and he would talk to me when he has something to say!

I feel completely disrespected by that comment. I dont get how he could say all that stuff when he was with his wife and then change, when we could now be together.

Was I just a distraction in a bad situation?

 

I definitely understand how insulting that must be and hurtful, if you're all in and invested and he clearly is not.

 

It is possible that your short affair was a fling and he got carried away talking about love and all this, as a distraction from his real issues with his marriage, and while still married, he could toss around the I-love-yous and future faking talk freely, but now that he has to make good on it, with no excuse, he's pulling away.

 

Women worldwide have dealt with hot and cold, come here, go away, men who future fake (i.e. plan into the future with you, like saying "When we move in together" etc, which makes it seem like you will be in their lives in a committed relationship, which many women love and feel so happy about), men who fast forward (i.e. they haven't known you very long but their expressed feelings and how they act, coupled with future faking, advances the relationship in your minds, more than it should be). It's not new at all and many of these men don't do it maliciously, but in the moment they get carried away in a fantasy, and then when it's time to cash the checks so to speak, there's nothing behind it when reality hits.

 

At this point, he knows you want more. You've reached out. He's living on his own. I would suggest you do not initiate any more conversations about your status with him and allow him to take the initiative in that area. Stand down and stand back I say, and see what he does....you'll have your answers then. Just keep your dignity and power by hearing him and leaving it at that. He shouldn't leave for you and good on you for not making it some situation where he left for you and is shacked up at your place. It's time for him to figure himself out and what he wants and as upsetting as it may be, it may be that he decides he wants to be single or date other people. You can't control that but you can mitigate some of the hurt by understanding that and standing back.