My ex boyfriend will get married after two months of break up.

[lotus85]

First of all, excuse for my English since it's not my first language.

 

My ex and I were in relationship for 3 years. The first few months were great, he treated me like a queen. We broke up once at the 4th month due to his stress in PhD studying. We got back a couple months later. He told that he wanted to focus on his PhD studying, so we only met once a week, sometimes once every other week, and talked on the phone every night.

 

When we reached at the 3rd year of our relationship. I talked to him about marriage. He said he is not ready for marriage since he has not finished his PhD yet. I forgot to mention we have different religions. He is a Christian, and I'm a Buddhist. He said it bothered him, and he only married to me if I convert to Christian. We had a couple fights about that.

 

He broke up with me two weeks ago. He told that he is not ready for marriage due to his Phd, and does not want to string me along. I cried at first, but then accepted the break up, and went to No Contact for two weeks.

 

After two weeks of NC, I googled his name and found a wedding invitation on a website with the groom's name is the same my ex's name (My ex full name is very rare). I emailed him about that and told him I'm done. He called me non-stop that night, and the next morning he went to my house and knocked on my door and told that it was only his demo invitation for a friend of him. He told me he cares for me, and he did not lie to me.

 

Today I went to the chapel stated on the wedding invitation and asked them if the couple's name, date and time of the wedding is correct. The chapel confirmed that, and even gave me the bride's phone number. I called her and talked to her as if I was his friend. She told me they were in relationship for 7 years, and the wedding will be the end of August(She is also a Christian). I was shocked. I can't believe he dated me and her at the same time, and we did not know about each other. I did not tell her about me and him, so she still does not know that he was cheating.

 

I then wrote him an email told him I knew everything, and asked him tell no more lies, and stop contacting me. The more I found out, the more disgusted I feel.

 

So, what do you think about my story?

[bluegreen]

He is scum of earth I feel sorry for both you and girl.

And WHY did you not tell her everything showed her all the proofs you had?

Poor girl will marry this scum and he will keep doing this her future might as well be ruined while you saved yours.

 

 

Tell her she deserves to know

[LostOne1]

He is scum of earth I feel sorry for both you and girl.

And WHY did you not tell her everything showed her all the proofs you had?

Poor girl will marry this scum and he will keep doing this her future might as well be ruined while you saved yours.

 

 

Tell her she deserves to know

Personally.. you shoulda told the girl.

 

Otherwise she will get hurt too and it would've been better if she knew now. Otherwise he will cheat on her again and hurt some other girl like you.

 

Hate to say it, but sometimes cheaters need to LOSE it all to know what they are doing is wrong.

[CaliBabe]

I agree with the previous posters. I would have told her, I mean if it were you... Wouldn't you want to know?

 

You are going to commit your life to someone in front of God. I would want to know.

[flitzanu]

i'd place bets on the girl still going through with it and marrying him even knowing he was a liar.

[lotus85]

We actually did not have sex yet because he said his religion does not allow to have sex before marriage. All we did were kiss, hug, and make out. He treated me quite well during the relationship. That's why I had no doubt about he dated two girls at the same time.

 

He even introduced me to his family and friends right after we started dating. So, I don't know when he introduced her to them.

[lotus85]

The reason why I did not tell the girl that he is a cheater because I do not want to break their wedding. He seems to strictly follow his religion teaching such as no sex before marriage. He even broke up with me before get married to her. So, I hope that he will be faithful to her after marriage as what his religion teaches him.

[SuperGeek]

Your story is sad and i do feel for you. I think it's good you didn't immediately tell the other girl about your relationship with this man. At least not before giving it some thought about the repercussions you could face doing so.

 

Make a decision if you think it's your personal responsibility to tell the girl about your relationship AND if you're willing to deal with the drama and fall out from doing so. Your ex will likely get very upset and that could translate into drama for you, espeically if their wedding is called off. Not to mentoin you could have some drama from her as well. It's hard to know how they'd react and it doesn't matter to be honest. Do you really want to sign yourself up for that drama? Are you the relationship police?

 

If you don't say anything (as you aren't required), just drift away into the background and forget him. Start over and be glad you found out now before taking this thing further. This way you don't deal with any drama and you can literally just walk away from the situation clean and start over. No drama or any of that.

 

As selfish as it sounds, you don't owe this girl anything and you don't owe your ex anything. The only person that matters right now is you. Take the time to heal and then you'll meet someone new soon enough.

 

You dodged a bullet I'd say. Just literally write him off and stop contact completely. Start over even though I know it's hard. My heart goes out to you. I've been where you are before. I chose the route with no drama and it was the right choice for me

 

SuperGeek

Edited June 28, 2013 by SuperGeek

[lotus85]

Your story is sad and i do feel for you. I think it's good you didn't immediately tell the other girl about your relationship with this man. At least not before giving it some thought about the repercussions you could face doing so.

 

Make a decision if you think it's your personal responsibility to tell the girl about your relationship AND if you're willing to deal with the drama and fall out from doing so. Your ex will likely get very upset and that could translate into drama for you, espeically if their wedding is called off. Not to mentoin you could have some drama from her as well. It's hard to know how they'd react and it doesn't matter to be honest. Do you really want to sign yourself up for that drama? Are you the relationship police?

 

If you don't say anything (as you aren't required), just drift away into the background and forget him. Start over and be glad you found out now before taking this thing further. This way you don't deal with any drama and you can literally just walk away from the situation clean and start over. No drama or any of that.

 

As selfish as it sounds, you don't owe this girl anything and you don't owe your ex anything. The only person that matters right now is you. Take the time to heal and then you'll meet someone new soon enough.

 

You dodged a bullet I'd say. Just literally write him off and stop contact completely. Start over even though I know it's hard. My heart goes out to you. I've been where you are before. I chose the route with no drama and it was the right choice for me

 

SuperGeek

 

 

Thanks for your advice SuperGeek. It helps me a lot.

[eleve82]

I don't have anything else more meaningful to say but just wanted to send you love and lotsa luck - this is by far one of the most unbelievable heartbreaks I can imagine..

 

Keep your chin up - and I'm confident that you will get through all this. There is a great piece on Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM that has helped me to let go of a previous relationship - I hope it can provide you with some useful tips to get over this.

[Mack05]

9 out of 10 times I would agree with supergeek and turn the other cheek, but this time I would bury the guy. Sure you never met this girl, but you would be saving her a lifetime of misery. I would arrange to meet her for a coffee and in a cool manner tell her exactly what has been happening.

 

Ok she may still marry the guy but at least she knows what this snake is truly like. Here are some funny (not sure if they are true) revenge stories..

 

The Bridegroom's Revenge - An Urban Legend

[lotus85]

Let me share with you our conversation on the day he came to my house and explained about the wedding invitation. It is after he received my 1st email. You can see from the conversation he lies a lot of things and is very good at manipulating people.

 

That morning he came to my house at very early morning around 6am, and called me twice but I did not pick up the phone. He opened my patio door (I did not lock the patio door), and knocked on my room door. (How creepy!)

 

Me : What's up?

Him: I got your email. Why did not you ask me before you conclude that wedding invitation was mine? It was just a demo I did for my friend.

Me : Why did you put your name on a demo? Who is the girl on that invitation?

Him : I just innocently put my name on it for a demo purpose. That girl's name is just a random name I chose. You have to trust me after 3 years together. Am I that kind of person?

Me : (start believing him)

Him : I'm kinda disappointed that you did not trust me. Now I recognized that there were a trust issue between us. Sigh.

If it was my wedding, I would be happily inform you, not hide it from you. How do you think a bride-to-be would feel if she knows her husband hide about their wedding?

Me : What about date and time on the invitation?

Him : I just randomly pick whatever date and time without even thinking. Just for a demo purpose. By the way, that chapel does not serve wedding ceremony.

I have an exam today, but I still came to explain to you because I care about you. I don't want you to think wrongly about me.

Me : Sorry about that. Good luck on your exam.

Him : Listen, I have to constrain myself a lot to not call you those last two weeks. I don't have any other girl, only work with a computer for the whole day. Don't worry about me. Please move on since i don't know when I finish my PhD. Don't waste time for me.

 

Then, he hugged me very tight, kissed on my shouder and my neck, and said good bye.

 

After he left, I think about the entire conversation and found something was fishy. It was the detail he said the chapel does not serve wedding ceremonies, and he just randomly pick the wedding date and time. I went to the chapel's website and found out the chapel does serve wedding ceremonies, and they only have wedding ceremonies on Sat at 12:30pm or 3pm every week. That are matched perfectly with date and time on the wedding invitation. It can not be a coincidence.

 

That the reason why I went to the chapel yesterday to confirm that the wedding invitation was real, not a demo as he said. Now, I see through his true colors. I sent him an email and told him I knew everything, and stop bothering me.

 

Do you think this guy will come up with another bs reason to confront me again? or he will never contact me again because I knew his true colors?

Edited June 28, 2013 by lotus85

[lotus85]

9 out of 10 times I would agree with supergeek and turn the other cheek, but this time I would bury the guy. Sure you never met this girl, but you would be saving her a lifetime of misery. I would arrange to meet her for a coffee and in a cool manner tell her exactly what has been happening.

 

Ok she may still marry the guy but at least she knows what this snake is truly like. Here are some funny (not sure if they are true) revenge stories..

 

The Bridegroom's Revenge - An Urban Legend

 

 

After see through his true colors, I'm very scared of him. He is a calculated person, a liar, and a manipulator. I don't know what he will do to me if I tell his bride-to-be about the truth.

[flitzanu]

After see through his true colors, I'm very scared of him. He is a calculated person, a liar, and a manipulator. I don't know what he will do to me if I tell his bride-to-be about the truth.

 

you say he follows religion strictly...murder is frowned up by christianity.

[Eddie Edirol]

you say he follows religion strictly...murder is frowned up by christianity.

 

Im pretty sure he will do what he feels since he was seeing two women at once for years. She really cant believe anything he says since their relationship was total lie. He probably isnt as religious as he told her he was.

 

OP I dont know if you want to turn the other cheek in this scenario as far as telling his fiance, but I have to say frankly that you seriously overlooked a whole lot of signs that he was seeing another woman, and I hope you will be more observant in your future relationships. Dont overlook obvious red flags just to preserve romance. You let yourself be a total sucker for 3 years, please dont let that happen again.

[lotus85]

Im pretty sure he will do what he feels since he was seeing two women at once for years. She really cant believe anything he says since their relationship was total lie. He probably isnt as religious as he told her he was.

 

OP I dont know if you want to turn the other cheek in this scenario as far as telling his fiance, but I have to say frankly that you seriously overlooked a whole lot of signs that he was seeing another woman, and I hope you will be more observant in your future relationships. Dont overlook obvious red flags just to preserve romance. You let yourself be a total sucker for 3 years, please dont let that happen again.

 

Thanks Eddie. Yes, I know I was blind in our relationship those last 3 years. Pls tell me some red flags that a man was seeing another woman.

[SuperGeek]

Sure and after that coffee conversation, the other girl will be upset and start asking questions about a possible affair. Lots of turmoil will hit that relationship and the wedding could be called off. The OPs ex will be furious and likely a dramatic response will follow.

 

Ask yourself, what good is any of this for the OP? Nothing good for the OP can result from her talking to the other girl. Why create drama when there is no necessary need to do so? I don't see even one positive aspect to talk to the other girl at all.

 

The OPs relationship is over no matter what she decides to do with this information. She at this point can decide to move on quietly and just seek out a new partner or drag herself through months or years of drama.

 

OP, I urge you to not say anything. Spare yourself the drama and possibly even a domestic violence situation in the future. Move on with your life and leave your ex and this girl in the past. None of this is your problem to deal with. Don't create a dramatic situation that you have the choice to avoid.

 

Not quite applicable here, but remember Newton's third law of motion:

 

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

 

9 out of 10 times I would agree with supergeek and turn the other cheek, but this time I would bury the guy. Sure you never met this girl, but you would be saving her a lifetime of misery. I would arrange to meet her for a coffee and in a cool manner tell her exactly what has been happening.

 

Ok she may still marry the guy but at least she knows what this snake is truly like. Here are some funny (not sure if they are true) revenge stories..

 

The Bridegroom's Revenge - An Urban Legend

[lotus85]

My feeling now is a mix of angry, sad, hurt, hopeless ... I did not sleep properly for the last few days. I kept playing the last 3 years in my head and wonder if all are lies.

 

I wonder if he is at least ashamed of what he did to me, or if he feels guilty at all. It hurts me a lot when I think about he's living happily with the girl, and I'm just a side walk. I don't know why I feel like a loser.

[lotus85]

This moring I woke up and felt a lot better. I think I'm very lucky to get away from him.

 

On the day he came to my house to deny about the wedding, he even changed date&time&location on their wedding website to prove his point that wedding invitation is just a demo for a friend. The next day I went to the chapel and told them I wanted to confirm the wedding date&time because I saw the couple changed it on their wedding website. The chapel officer called the bride-to-be to ask about the changes. After getting caught by me, and his wife-to-be asked him about the changes, he changed back to the actual wedding date&time on their website. What a clown.

 

In the last email I worte to him, I said "No more lies pls. The more I found out, the more disgusted I feel. So stop bothering me". I think he would be too ashamed to contact me after this.

[Eddie Edirol]

Thanks Eddie. Yes, I know I was blind in our relationship those last 3 years. Pls tell me some red flags that a man was seeing another woman.

 

I cant tell you specifics about your situation, but a main point is that the words have to match the actions. Also if you live within a reasonable distance, theres no reason for you two to not see each other at least twice a week after a couple months. But when your head starts clearing up from this relationship, the details and red flags will start popping up like crazy. You will start to see what was wrong that you might not be able to see or remember now. Also, check out the cheating and other man forums, there will be plenty of instances to learn from there.

[lotus85]

Here is what I wrote to him in my last email. Do you think it is appropriate?

 

"Hi Y,

 

I've just talked to X. Interesting enough, she also has a fiance's name Y who knows her for 7 years, also studying at Z. I also talked to Calvary Chapel, and they confirmed about your wedding.

 

So no more lies please. The more I found out, the more disgusted I feel. So stop bothering me.

 

P/S : Don't worry I won't tell X anything about us since I don't care anymore."

[hoping2heal]

We actually did not have sex yet because he said his religion does not allow to have sex before marriage. All we did were kiss, hug, and make out. He treated me quite well during the relationship. That's why I had no doubt about he dated two girls at the same time.

 

He even introduced me to his family and friends right after we started dating. So, I don't know when he introduced her to them.

 

LMAO...what a jerk!!! His religion wouldn't allow for sex..but allows for cheating on your fiance? What an absolute puke bag. I'm so sorry this happened to you. What a horrible and painful story.

[lotus85]

LMAO...what a jerk!!! His religion wouldn't allow for sex..but allows for cheating on your fiance? What an absolute puke bag. I'm so sorry this happened to you. What a horrible and painful story.

 

He said that God is #1 in his life, and non-believers are Satan, but he followed the bible with his own "twist".

 

1/ He told a lot of lies to hide his true colors, but he thought it's ok to tell lies if it does not hurt anyone.

 

2/ No sex before marriage. He did everything you can imagine a couple would do in a bed room except intercourse, and he thought that no intercourse = no sin.

 

3/ No affair after marriage. He broke up with me right before his wedding so that he will not have an affair after getting married.

Edited July 3, 2013 by lotus85

[Sugarkane]

These are lame excuses to justify his cheating. Obviously the other woman doesn't know about you, or she would be ok with it, if they had that sort of deal.

He said that God is #1 in his life, and non-believers are Satan, but he followed the bible with his own "twist".

 

1/ He told a lot of lies to hide his true colors, but he thought it's ok to tell lies if it does not hurt anyone.

 

2/ No sex before marriage. He did everything you can imagine a couple would do in a bed room except intercourse, and he thought that no intercourse = no sin.

 

3/ No affair after marriage. He broke up with me right before his wedding so that he will not have an affair after getting married.

[lotus85]

I cant tell you specifics about your situation, but a main point is that the words have to match the actions. Also if you live within a reasonable distance, theres no reason for you two to not see each other at least twice a week after a couple months. But when your head starts clearing up from this relationship, the details and red flags will start popping up like crazy. You will start to see what was wrong that you might not be able to see or remember now. Also, check out the cheating and other man forums, there will be plenty of instances to learn from there.

 

Now I see all the red flags which I overlooked during my relationship.

 

1/ He was always busy even in holidays. He used the excuses that PhD requires a lot of time consuming.

 

2/ The days we hang out were randomly.

 

3/ He always found a way for everyone knew that 'this girl is mine'.

He hold my hands everywhere and everytime we went out.

At the beginning of my school quarters, he took me to my classes and waited in front of my classes so that my classmates knew that I had a boyfriend.

 

4/ He was extremely jealous.

He was jealous with every guys in my classes since I'm Electrical Engineering major so most of my classmates were men. He kept saying that he was sure there were lot of guys like me because I'm beautiful.

He was even jealous with his brother. His brother visited from other country, so I asked him if he took his brother visit some places. I wanted to show that I cared about his family. He then called me around 5 am and told me he had a nightmare and could not go back to sleep. He said his nightmare was that he and his brother was sitting in the same room, but I only talked to his brother. (How crazy!)

Edited July 3, 2013 by lotus85