Jump to content

Attracted to someone other than my fiancé

donna2013

By donna2013
in Long-Distance Relationships

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

donna2013 New Member

donna2013

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum. I am sorry if this is a repetitive question but I need advice. I am in a lot of stress and have absolutely no one that I can risk to tell this truth.

 

I am 27 years old. I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years. He lives in a far away country. This relationship for both of us has been quite a roller-coaster ride. We used to fight but always make up and it was intense. Our love has been completely unconditional. I could not bear the though of losing him. There was a time when we thought it was ended and I almost went as far as committing suicide because I could not see anything in my life if I didn't have him in life. However, we did manage to get it together and we recently got engaged and are soon to be married within the next year. I will have to relocate to where he lives and leave my job which I don't care much for anyway. Recently I have been feeling that I no longer feel any physical attraction to him since our engagement. He has always been very controlling and abusive but until now I was putting up with everything because the thought of losing him was not acceptable to me.

 

I met this guy online last year and I instantly fell for him but resisted it because I loved my guy but recently my fiance and were going through another rough breakup sort of phase so during that time I started to talk to him more and my feelings for him have been magnified since then, not necessarily emotionally but physically at least. However, after talking to him for some time I realized how much I am attracted to him and it is no longer just physical. I look at his pictures all day and it drives me crazy how much I want him. He is extremely good looking, very patient and down to earth and he has British accent! I feel horrible that I am cheating on my fiance but I cannot stop myself. He does not know that I am engaged and he told me that he likes me but since he lives in the UK it is impossible for us to meet or anything. He is interested in me but I am not sure if he can do a long term commitment because he is still a student (we are the same age) and needs to settle down financially before he can commit to a serious relationship. I can clearly see that I may not be able to have any future with him but I cannot stop thinking about him to the point that I even consider just taking a flight and flying to UK just to spend some time with him and get done with it but I cannot do that because I will have to break up with my fiance before I leave.

 

I just don't know what to do. I can see that I have no future with this guy but when I am with him I feel so much better than when I am with my fiance.I feel like I am done with my fiance. Maybe I was too crazy for him because it was a challenge for me and as soon as I got him that urge disappeared and now I am seeing how incompatible we are. My fiance is not a bad guy he is perfect in many aspects (cute, family oriented, stable, committed etc) but he is not an easy going guy. He doesn't care about my opinion just goes with whatever he likes. My friends have been telling me since the beginning that he is too difficult to deal with and also that I am "too pretty" for him but then at the same time I don't see any future with this new guy either but I cannot resist him. I feel like I have been unfaithful to my fiance by thinking about this guy and talking to him so I am no longer worthy of becoming his wife anyway.

 

Just a side note, I come from a very conservative background and I have always been the person that believes in abstaining from sex until marriage and that's how it has been between me and my fiance but this guy changed everything. I don't care about anything, I just want him and know that it will destroy my life because I am afraid that if I end my current relationship with my fiance and go for this new guy whether it works with him or not but I am afraid that I will not be able to find any guy as committed and loyal as my fiance but living with him is going to be such a disaster!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
SaltwaterHeart Member

SaltwaterHeart

Posted
Posted

First, let me say I believe it is quite normal to feel attracted to people other than your SO. Also, looks aren't everything. There will always be someone hotter. Assuming you still feel attraction toward your boyfriend, there's no problem in seeing their flaws clearly - no one's perfect! (If however there's not even the slightest feeling of attraction on any level anymore, obviously that is not a good sign.)

 

I also feel the typical excitement and butterflies diminish after a certain time, especially in LDRs where reality hits hard and you have to get through a lot of difficult stuff. It's not always perfect, it's a lot of work and there is no immediate gratification. That can make other people/options seem more desirable.

 

 

However, that being said, a couple of things you said raise red flags with me.

 

There was a time when we thought it was ended and I almost went as far as committing suicide because I could not see anything in my life if I didn't have him in life.

 

I think we can all agree that this is not a characteristic of a healthy relationship.

 

He has always been very controlling and abusive but until now I was putting up with everything because the thought of losing him was not acceptable to me.

 

This is what stood out me the most. I don't really know what exactly you mean by abusive; physically, mentally, emotionally? Could you elaborate? Either way, this is terrible. Enormous red flag.

 

when I am with him I feel so much better than when I am with my fiance.I feel like I am done with my fiance.

 

Taking into account what I said above and providing you are not only talking about butterflies, this is not a good sign. What makes you feel you are done?

 

He doesn't care about my opinion just goes with whatever he likes.

 

Definitely not good either. Being married to someone who doesn't take your feelings or opinions seriously and is willing to compromise is sure to lead to unhappiness or even divorce. You never know what life will throw at you and if you can't deal with it as a team, your marriage will be a rocky road.

 

My fiance is not a bad guy he is perfect in many aspects (cute, family oriented, stable, committed etc)

 

The fact that he is a good guy doesn't necessarily mean he's a good match for you.

 

I am afraid that I will not be able to find any guy as committed and loyal as my fiance but living with him is going to be such a disaster!

 

This basically says it all. Listen to your gut. Fear of not finding someone better should not be your motivation to marry!

 

 

I think the pre-wedding cold feet are pretty common, but I'd take this more seriously. From what you said I think your crush on the Brit is not so much about the guy himself but more your subconscious telling you that this marriage is not what you want. You need to decide on this first.

 

It's difficult to give advice from afar, but the picture you're painting is not pretty. Give yourself time to think about things and don't feel pressured by your SO. This is a hugely important decision. Don't go into marriage if it doesn't feel right.

  • Like 3
LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

Posted
Posted
......... living with him is going to be such a disaster!

 

There's a lot of stuff in your post that could be commented on but given that you added this at the end, there's no point.

 

You have a choice:

 

1. Marry your fiancé being fully aware that living with him is going to be such a disaster! :eek:

 

OR

 

2. Call it off and give yourself a chance to have a life with someone else that isn't going to be such a disaster.

 

I know which I'd choose!!!

  • Like 3
CA2TN4Love Member

CA2TN4Love

Posted
Posted

Put the other guy aside for the time being, as he's not as important as the comments you've made about your fiancé. Take this from someone who wasted 18 precious years with someone due to ignoring this advice: TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!! Years ago, one of my best friends said something to me that didn't hit home at the time, but now resonates with me: "If you can't see yourself taking your last breath in his arms, why are you wasting your time??"

 

Have the courage to make the difficult choices now and protect your future. One thing we can never get back is time, and the comments you've made tell me that your inner voice is screaming at you to listen. These are not minor issues that can be overcome, and that voice will not stop. It will nag you until you wake up. I just hope that you listen to it before you're married and have children, because then you won't be just hurting him, you'll be hurting the most important little people in your life!

  • Like 3
LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

Posted
Posted
"If you can't see yourself taking your last breath in his arms, why are you wasting your time??"

 

What an awesome quote! With your permission, CA2TN4Love, I think I might put that in my signature!

CA2TN4Love Member

CA2TN4Love

Posted
Posted
What an awesome quote! With your permission, CA2TN4Love, I think I might put that in my signature!

 

Absolutely. Be my guest, LittleTiger. =)

  • Author
donna2013 New Member

donna2013

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you all of you for your time and advice. Sorry everyone, I am completely new to these forums and not very familiar with the user interface here but I will try, hope this makes sense :)

 

SaltwaterHeart. Here are some of the answers:

 

This is what stood out me the most. I don't really know what exactly you mean by abusive; physically, mentally, emotionally? Could you elaborate? Either way, this is terrible. Enormous red flag.

 

Basically he is very abusive emotionally and verbally but I will not be surprised if he starts physical abuse once I actually start to live with him (although he always denies that no it is never possible that he will ever "hurt" me and that he screams at me and curses and all simply because of my "attitude" but I am not buying this because he cannot justify this just like that.

 

Taking into account what I said above and providing you are not only talking about butterflies, this is not a good sign. What makes you feel you are done?

 

I just feel like I no longer feel the excitement, the motivation or the need to do anything for him. He jokes a lot, acts silly just to make me laugh and does all that but I just don't find anything interesting in him anymore. I feel as if I am with him only because of the commitment we have and it is just a burden and nothing else.

 

I think your crush on the Brit is not so much about the guy himself but more your subconscious telling you that this marriage is not what you want. You need to decide on this first.

 

Finally! yes thanks you are so right, this is exactly what I feel that I am so much attracted to him only because I fear that my life with my fiance will not be good.

 

CA2TN4Love I love the quote:

"If you can't see yourself taking your last breath in his arms, why are you wasting your time??"

 

However, this may sound strange at this point but when I read this quote, I could say yes! I know I know sounds contradictory but despite all the negativeness in my fiance (his attitude, temper etc) I do see that he is someone that will never leave me when I need him, he will always be there for me no matter what. I can trust him and I can see myself taking my last breath in his arms. In fact one of his favorite "quotes" when it comes to us is that "I want to grow old with you."

 

LittleTiger

1. Marry your fiancé being fully aware that living with him is going to be such a disaster!

 

OR

 

2. Call it off and give yourself a chance to have a life with someone else that isn't going to be such a disaster.

 

I am sure that 2 sounds the most rational choice here and I do wish I could but what if it is me that's the problem? What if my fiance is right that he acts this way because of my attitude and that no matter who I am with, I am always going to have these problems (this is what he says that I can go to anyone and will soon end up with the same issues because I don't know how to say things the right way :(

justwhoiam Established Member

justwhoiam

Posted
Posted (edited)

Besides what SaltwaterHeart said and asked - that is pretty much what I would have said and asked - there are other things worth mentioning.

 

I am 27 years old. I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years. He lives in a far away country.
So, I guess you started this relationship when you were 24.

1) How old was he?

2) Does he live in a 'poor' country?

3) What does he do for a living?

4) How many times have you met him? I have a bad feeling about the answer...

5) If you have met him, how many times did he visit you? And how many times did you visit him? And how many times were you on vacation with him anywhere in the world? And how long for?

 

There was a time when we thought it was ended and I almost went as far as committing suicide
You need to work on your emotions BEFORE having any kind of love relationship with anyone. The way you used to feel for your fiancé can happen again and hit you even harder. And you cannot risk your life like that. Therefore you need to rethink everything in a healthier way, knowing that sometimes you won't have any power to change things and can just face them for what they are. You need to understand that there are things in life that won't go the way you wish, but that is not a good reason to end your life. Life is full of surprises, and you would deny yourself the best things that have yet to happen.

 

And

 

6) You shouldn't marry a guy you can't be horny for. It's just going downward over time. You would make him a sad husband and - judging by his aggressiveness level - you'd be putting yourself in a life of total misery and abuse and almost sure cheating (on both sides)

 

7) The guy you're now attracted to sexually is not a guy for whom you should leave your fiancé. You need to leave your fiancé regardless of the fact that you have someone else on the side. The new guy is just a fantasy that won't go anywhere. And even if he 'likes' you, that doesn't mean that:

A) he's going to LOVE you

B) he's going to want you in any way after knowing you IRL (see chemistry)

C) he's going to put up with being LD for years

 

AND, last but not least:

The fact that you're so weak that you can fall for someone you met online pretty recently and basically because of his looks is a red flag for any stable relationship. You seem fickle. And you'll have to learn what love really is through human interaction over the years. You're prone to fall hard again for someone else soon, but you should give yourself more time before engaging in another relationship, to be sure of your own feelings. And before having the word marriage on your mind and coming out of your mouth.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 1
LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

Posted
Posted

Basically he is very abusive emotionally and verbally but I will not be surprised if he starts physical abuse once I actually start to live with him (although he always denies that no it is never possible that he will ever "hurt" me and that he screams at me and curses and all simply because of my "attitude" but I am not buying this because he cannot justify this just like that.

 

.................

 

 

I am sure that 2 sounds the most rational choice here and I do wish I could but what if it is me that's the problem? What if my fiance is right that he acts this way because of my attitude and that no matter who I am with, I am always going to have these problems (this is what he says that I can go to anyone and will soon end up with the same issues because I don't know how to say things the right way :(

 

Oh boy!!! :eek: Now I am scared for you.

 

This is classic abuser/abused. He screams and curses and is emotionally abusive and then blames your attitude for his behaviour!!!

 

He has obviously blamed you enough times that you have now started thinking he might be right. Fortunately, he doesn't yet have total control though because, when you are thinking straight, you "expect he will start physical abuse" once you live with him - and yet you are still considering marrying him?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

If you can't stand up to him - and clearly you can't - you need to get out of the relationship. He is abusing you and he will get worse the longer you are together - especially when you are living together.

 

PLEASE END THINGS WITH YOUR FIANCE - RIGHT NOW - BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

  • Like 2
  • Author
donna2013 New Member

donna2013

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
Besides what SaltwaterHeart said and asked - that is pretty much what I would have said and asked - there are other things worth mentioning.

 

So, I guess you started this relationship when you were 20.

1) How old was he?

I was 21 and he was 23

2) Does he live in a 'poor' country?

Yes he does but he has a very stable job and belongs to a well to do family

3) What does he do for a living?

He is an engineer

4) How many times have you met him? I have a bad feeling about the answer...

Less than 10 times (I know I know!)

5) If you have met him, how many times did he visit you? And how many times did you visit him? And how many times were you on vacation with him anywhere in the world? And how long for?

We never went for a vacation or anything together but basically he visited me pretty much every time we met

You need to work on your emotions BEFORE having any kind of love relationship with anyone. The way you used to feel for your fiancé can happen again and hit you even harder. And you cannot risk your life like that. Therefore you need to rethink everything in a healthier way, knowing that sometimes you won't have any power to change things and can just face them for what they are. You need to understand that there are things in life that won't go the way you wish, but that is not a good reason to end your life. Life is full of surprises, and you would deny yourself the best things that have yet to happen.

 

And

 

6) You shouldn't marry a guy you can't be horny for. It's just going downward over time. You would make him a sad husband and - judging by his aggressiveness level - you'd be putting yourself in a life of total misery and abuse and almost sure cheating (on both sides)

 

Yes this is what is worrying me the most :(

 

 

7) The guy you're now attracted to sexually is not a guy for whom you should leave your fiancé. You need to leave your fiancé regardless of the fact that you have someone else on the side. The new guy is just a fantasy that won't go anywhere. And even if he 'likes' you, that doesn't mean that:

A) he's going to LOVE you

B) he's going to want you in any way after knowing you IRL (see chemistry)

C) he's going to put up with being LD for years

 

Yes I understand this and I think I do know for a fact that for me getting over is very easy. I understand that it is just a temporary attraction and will fade away with time but yeah it did made me question my feelings for my fiance. If I could fall for someone else than that means serious flaws in our current relationship.

 

AND, last but not least:

The fact that you're so weak that you can fall for someone you met online pretty recently and basically because of his looks is a red flag for any stable relationship. You seem fickle. And you'll have to learn what love really is through human interaction over the years. You're prone to fall hard again for someone else soon, but you should give yourself more time before engaging in another relationship, to be sure of your own feelings. And before having the word marriage on your mind and coming out of your mouth.

 

Thanks. I am just afraid of losing my fiance, don't want to go through the pain of losing him but yeah it looks like it will save the pain in the long run :(

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Author
donna2013 New Member

donna2013

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Oh boy!!! :eek: Now I am scared for you.

 

This is classic abuser/abused. He screams and curses and is emotionally abusive and then blames your attitude for his behaviour!!!

 

He has obviously blamed you enough times that you have now started thinking he might be right. Fortunately, he doesn't yet have total control though because, when you are thinking straight, you "expect he will start physical abuse" once you live with him - and yet you are still considering marrying him?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

If you can't stand up to him - and clearly you can't - you need to get out of the relationship. He is abusing you and he will get worse the longer you are together - especially when you are living together.

 

PLEASE END THINGS WITH YOUR FIANCE - RIGHT NOW - BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

 

Thanks, I think maybe I should give him a trial period? That is, I am ending this relationship and see if he is willing to change anything? Not sure if he will ever change but it just seems like such a difficult thing to do. I have spent 4 years of my life idealizing and obsessing over this guy. I just don't have any idea of life without him but now that I have lost physical attraction towards him it is kind of becoming somewhat possible because I try to remember all the things that made me fall for him but I just don't see how and why I fell for him.

Babolat Established Member

Babolat

Posted
Posted
Thank you all of you for your time and advice. Sorry everyone, I am completely new to these forums and not very familiar with the user interface here but I will try, hope this makes sense :)

 

SaltwaterHeart. Here are some of the answers:

 

 

 

Basically he is very abusive emotionally and verbally but I will not be surprised if he starts physical abuse once I actually start to live with him (although he always denies that no it is never possible that he will ever "hurt" me and that he screams at me and curses and all simply because of my "attitude" but I am not buying this because he cannot justify this just like that.

 

 

 

I just feel like I no longer feel the excitement, the motivation or the need to do anything for him. He jokes a lot, acts silly just to make me laugh and does all that but I just don't find anything interesting in him anymore. I feel as if I am with him only because of the commitment we have and it is just a burden and nothing else.

 

 

 

Finally! yes thanks you are so right, this is exactly what I feel that I am so much attracted to him only because I fear that my life with my fiance will not be good.

 

CA2TN4Love I love the quote:

 

However, this may sound strange at this point but when I read this quote, I could say yes! I know I know sounds contradictory but despite all the negativeness in my fiance (his attitude, temper etc) I do see that he is someone that will never leave me when I need him, he will always be there for me no matter what. I can trust him and I can see myself taking my last breath in his arms. In fact one of his favorite "quotes" when it comes to us is that "I want to grow old with you."

 

LittleTiger

 

I am sure that 2 sounds the most rational choice here and I do wish I could but what if it is me that's the problem? What if my fiance is right that he acts this way because of my attitude and that no matter who I am with, I am always going to have these problems (this is what he says that I can go to anyone and will soon end up with the same issues because I don't know how to say things the right way :(

 

You are existing major signs of codependency. THIS is not a healthy relationship..I am actually scared for you. Get out, and get out now. Spend time by yourself and put this other man on hold for now.

  • Like 2
LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

Posted
Posted
Thanks, I think maybe I should give him a trial period? That is, I am ending this relationship and see if he is willing to change anything? Not sure if he will ever change but it just seems like such a difficult thing to do. I have spent 4 years of my life idealizing and obsessing over this guy. I just don't have any idea of life without him but now that I have lost physical attraction towards him it is kind of becoming somewhat possible because I try to remember all the things that made me fall for him but I just don't see how and why I fell for him.

 

NO, NO trial period! :eek:

 

He is verbally and emotionally abusive and you have said yourself that you expect him to become physically abusive when you get married!!!!!!!!!

 

I can give you a cast iron guarantee that he will not change just because you ask him to or because you threaten to leave him. There is a possibility that he will respond differently to you if you change yourself and become much stronger and more emotionally independent. That will require a lot of hard work on your part though. You need to deal with your co-dependency behaviours and it certainly won't happen overnight.

 

Why on earth would you want to walk into this kind of marriage when you know full well what the outcome is likely to be? While the relationship is long distance you are safe, once you are living with him he will have complete control. Your instincts are telling you that he will hurt you physically - which means he probably will.

 

This man is at best bad for you, and at worst dangerous, and you need to end things NOW. Spend some time alone and work on yourself. Get some psychological help because your attitude to this relationship is not healthy.

  • Like 1
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...