Extremely sudden and quick road to divorce

[whatintheworld]

I can't think straight because everything is happening so fast.

 

We've been married about 3 years, and have a 3 year old son. We were together only about a year and a half before marrying. We were very much in love, though do have some compatibility things to work out. We have always fought frequently about the same few things, but nothing that makes our marriage hopeless, and he has always been totally devoted, both to me and our son. A year ago was writing me loves songs, a month ago writing me love letters, lots of affection, talking, etc.

 

I've known the fighting is a stress causer (for both of us), but he's become pretty exasperated. He doesn't know how to deal with conflict and in many ways I don't either. There is a list of things I could improve.

 

Two weeks ago we had a bad fight after a series of fights in the same week that were uglier than usual. He had what he called his "first ever doubt" in our marriage.

 

Now he's already certain he's done, has no interest in being with me, claims he stopped being in love with me at the moment of the last fight, has been cold and mean, and made an executive decision to sign a year long lease for an apartment we absolutely can't afford. We just bought a house, less than a year ago. I am a stay-at-home mom.

 

It feels like insanity, how he could just 'snap' and now it's all over. I took our son and went to visit family so he could have time to himself a week ago (and so I could cope with his instantaneous disdain/animosity toward me) and ever since, every time we talk, he's taken one more step away and been more cold and confident about his decision.

 

I am almost certain there is no affair, even though it makes more sense to me than anything else. He was absolutely adoring, and I believed him to be deeply committed, responsible and loving. But this is incredibly quick and incredibly financially irresponsible. He seems totally determined.

 

I've convinced him to go to counseling with me in a few days, but he's already signed the lease and has never once given a sign that he's open to anything but ending it. I've told him I'm willing to do anything it takes to save our marriage, but now that he's taking actions that are going to bring us financial ruin, I don't know what to do.

[carhill]

In a way, his actions match his apparent inability to engage in healthy conflict, so aren't, IMO, totally unexpected.

 

My advice would be to table this (current conflict and his reaction) and address the marital issues directly at MC, focusing on conflict resolution and communication.

 

How old are you, generally? 20's/30's, what?

 

Any recent life changing occurrences in either of your lives, absent this issue?

 

Welcome to LS.

[whatintheworld]

I'm 28, he is 37.

 

My insistence on marriage counseling is the only thing I can do, knowing he is determined to justify all this and will not refuse to go (once) simply to tell people he "tried that", though he has already checked out.

 

I implored him to give it (the lease - which doesnt start for another month anyway, but which of course he can't just back out of later) time and think this through financially, and to at least have a talk with me about our finances and living situations if he's determined to move out. He simply told me I couldn't control his decision, and any further talk from me he said I was "just battling him as usual" and hung up on me.

 

I am coming back to the house tomorrow. Aside from a new-ish home, no real big changes of late. He did start taking an anti-depressant a few months ago, and has been having back problems.

[carhill]

Hmm, new AD and some pain issues. If you go to MC, be sure the therapist is disclosed about the AD use in the background info. That's relevant to the therapy process.

 

If he's 'checked out', there's really little you can do. Go to counseling alone if you want help with next steps; otherwise, file and deal with the real. BTDT. For myself, our MC helped a lot, mainly with facilitating an amicable divorce.

[whatintheworld]

Thanks for the advice. I will absolutely be going to counseling myself. Whether or not he's totally given up, I want to work to resolve some issues that I've seen clearly in the last few weeks within myself, and I know I'll need help developing tools to cope through this.

 

I feel like it would be a ton easier if it made some sense. I am just shocked that it's happening in an instant and that he has chosen to be so irresponsible and unfair about it. Luckily at least I should have a strong support system of friends, though family is a good 8 hours away. I'm terrified and sad about being a single mother and so disappointed for my little one's sake that I can't say that we tried everything before it had to come to this. And last (and least, really, at this point) - I love him and see nothing that makes us automatically doomed, at all.

 

He's old enough not to be so reckless and immature about this, and to show me baseline respect, even if he's intent on dumping me. I guess you never know some things about a person until you hit a time of crisis. I'm glad to have this forum going forward.

[whatintheworld]

I got back home this afternoon. My husband is in a self-righteous and extremely "calm" state. He is intent on convincing himself and me that he is centered, has thought everything through and that he never saw divorce as a remote possibility until he "just knew". Less than a week ago he was insisting he did not want a divorce, but that he needed to think. He peppered that and every other discussion with fatalistic and hurtful statements, like that he felt emptiness towards me, had lost all motivation to work on the relationship, and would not give me parameters to understand how much time he needed. I attempted to give him space (first time was for a weekend, and at the end of the weekend when I told him he could have more time but that I'd like a little something hopeful, he told me he had no reassurance or comfort to give; second attempt to give space was to visit my family 8 hours away for a few days. Again, he grew more distant with space instead of less and said fatalistic things, like that he had lost all motivation to work on the relationship). When the space I gave him was clearly making him more distant instead of less, I pushed for marriage counseling. He agreed but said he would not work on the relationship until we "see what happens in counseling". I suggested I either stay with my parents or he temporarily move out in the interim so that we didnt further damage things by trying to live together with no progress.

 

He now claims that because I "pushed him" to make decisions instead of affording him space, he's made his decisions - executive ones like the lease he signed and for which our household is now responsible for a year. He claims I suggested he get his own apartment, when in fact I suggested only he temporarily move out - stay with a friend, for instance - until the counseling began. He has warped this situation each step of the way to believe I told him to take the actions he's taking. He's unable to take responsibility, though he claims he's rational and isn't emotional or blaming.

 

He sometimes does a good job of appearing to be calm and centered and others it seems obvious to me that he's unable to stop blaming me for literally everything, a clear sign that his choices are in fact anything but centered or calm.

 

So frustrated, and going ahead with hiring an attorney on Monday, which we really can't afford. But I can't afford to let him control how everything happens, and he's intent on control.

[whatintheworld]

My husband and I are still living under the same roof. We have a counseling appointment for tomorrow afternoon, although it is clear it's just a "gesture" on his part and he has no intention of working on the marriage or open mindedness that anything but "out" is good for him. He's been sleeping downstairs on the couch and I've been in the bedroom.

 

We've spent a bit of time together running a few errands and attending an event, and my husband on one hand acts like nothing is wrong. Seems to very much want friendship with me, falling into patterns of our old jokes/banter. He rebuffs my few & far between gestures (like a touch on his arm, or a small gift I had picked up for him while I was away) by simply giving me a small sad smile - it feels uncomfortable. So over the last few days, I stopped making efforts, stopped initiating conversation, haven't asked him to do anything with me, and have done my best to be busy and as serene as possible. I am not cold toward him, but neither have I been particularly warm.

 

I have gotten an individual bank account and am in the process of applying for an apartment of my own. I inform him about what I'm doing when he asks. I've been busier and more active than I have in a long time and a part of me feels it's caught his 'grass-is-greener' fever in the process. Each day that passes, I find more things about being single that sound appealing or exciting. I still hold out hope, but it's different now. Instead of a desperation to get him to see what he is giving up, I feel a (perhaps misguided) certainty that we wiill be separating and that he will be the one of the two of us to regret it.

 

Since I've been distancing myself from him emotionally, he has been coming to me more often. He has slipped and called me a few pet names, and even "my love", once. He's mentioned that I am beautiful and "hot". He comes to sit beside me on the couch almost every evening to see what I'm doing or to talk about our days. I've caught him looking at me with sadness in his eyes and at one point yesterday he may even have gotten teary, leaving the room with some sniffles. He asked me to go with him to take our son out.

 

While a part of me feels these gestures signify that he does indeed still have feelings for me and on some level desire me and want the relationship to work, he has also remained steadfast in his continual plans to separate and has made not a single comment or gesture that denotes any hope or desire to work on things.

 

I feel a part of myself moving on and yet I still do love him. I don't want to be friends. I don't understand his fatalistic check out of the marriage and seeming certainty that it can't or shouldn't be saved. It has blindsided me, despite my understanding of the bad patterns and behaviors I have been guilty of perpetuating. He never told me he was unhappy until he was done. He even claimed that his therapist (whom he sees fairly infrequently, to my knowledge) recommended he 'let go of the marriage' - something I find hard to believe, considering that he never tried any exercises or asked me to go to counseling or anything that a therapist would suggest before making such an extreme recommendation, and without having met me.

 

Counseling is tomorrow and maybe there are some answers to be had, but I'm not sure if I should be trying to keep any hope alive at this point...