Been a while, on no sex and dealing with stress

[wanderingguy]

I posted on here quite a while ago about problems I am having with my wife. It's hard to sum up I guess.

 

We have an almost 2 year old toddler who we both love very much. Honestly, being a dad is the best thing that ever happened to me. It's amazing.

 

My wife, on the other hand, has left me exhausted. She is stressed- I mean- really REALLY stressed about work. She works until midnight every night. Our interactions are mainly about work or child.

 

I get that this is sometimes how life is. It has been going on for months, probably years. It's hard to tell. As I get older, I am beginning to feel that it is more her inability to handle stress that is the issue and it is not my responsibility to manage it for her. She needs to figure it out, but she won't. I have many stories about how the conversation ends up, in my opinion, quasi-abusive because it always ends up with her saying "I'm a f--- up, I'm a terrible person..." etc. I used to try to say that she is not and that's not how i feel, but she doesn't believe it. I sort of resent her when it gets to that point. It's not my duty as her husband to find give her self-esteem.

 

I have suggested that we get help, but her response is always something like, "Why would we pay for that? We know they are just going to say I am messing it up."

 

Sex is almost nonexistent. For her, she can't attend to it until everything else is done. There's always something left to do. I like to have sex regardless because, well, it is in part stress relief. These obviously work in opposition to each other. Once a month, not even. We're only 7 years into our marriage.

 

I have voiced my concern that I want sex way more than what we're having, but I can't be the only one interested all the time. Why would I need her? you know? Just masturbate and be done with it. She is not even remotely interested and only responds if I bring it up. It's exhausting and does not make me attracted to her at all. It's not really lovemaking when one side is checked out. She then gets insulted that I use Viagra when we do have sex. I can't win.

 

Then, I find out today, that she has a lot of physical discomfort going on...down there...and she is getting treated for it. I feel like such a jerk now for making sex a big deal. So after all that, there's also now a physical reason. Now I REALLY can't say anything without coming off as selfish.

 

I am not sure what advice would even be helpful at this point. I feel emotionally and physically neglected. But then, am I just whining about it? When I bring it up, she acknowledges the problem, but then nothing every changes and 2 weeks go by of working until midnight and nothing else.

 

We didn't even talk about what happens when I get stressed. It's not pretty. I'm working on finding things to do outside my home to engage. I'm also thinking about writing a journal to help process all of this. I feel like I can't really talk to her because she get so angry and her anxiety just dominates the conversations.

 

Thanks for reading. There's a lot going on and it's tough to know what is a cause and what is an effect.

[xxoo]

I read your older thread, too. Your wife has a serious problem managing stress. I would insist that she visits a doctor. Make the appt for her, and drive her to the appt. Make it strictly about stress and her health--not sex at all. You don't want her dropping dead of a heart attack and leaving you alone with a small child! At 2 years post partum, some of this may even still be related to unresolved postpartum depression.

 

Does she get exercise? Does she spend time with friends? Does she laugh every day?

[Thegameoflife]

I have this belief that in life, we need to divide our time in appropriate amounts. Each part of our life requires a set amount of time to do it right. All of the most successful people in the world divide their time likewise. For me, I work 8:00 to 4:30 , Monday to Friday. When I'm at work, I only think about work. I leave all my home life at home. When I come home, work doesn't follow me. Then I split my time into house/yard work, down time, entertainment, and a dedicated 1h at the end of each day with my wife. We use this time for talking and sex, depending on what we desire.

 

What you and your wife are doing, is trying to do everything at once. You're both carrying stress over into everything. How can anyone be relaxed, aroused, and focused on their partner when their mind is scattered, and the stress permeates every facet of life?

 

To be a happy human, we need relaxation and contentment in the moment.

[kamani]

She works until midnight every night. Our interactions are mainly about work or child.

 

She's struggling with her job and housework. Do you help her enough at home?

 

 

Then, I find out today, that she has a lot of physical discomfort going on...down there...and she is getting treated for it. I feel like such a jerk now for making sex a big deal.

 

So she had some physical illness, while struggling with all these. You didn't even know. Do you attend enough for her health and well being? I think the husband should be the first to know these discomforts.

 

I'm working on finding things to do outside my home to engage.

 

Your wife may not be correct, but I feel you are not caring for her and helping her enough. Women don't want sex when they are tired.

 

Try to be more supportive and understand her. Make time with each other your priority.

[LilGirlandOW]

 

Then, I find out today, that she has a lot of physical discomfort going on...down there...and she is getting treated for it. I feel like such a jerk now for making sex a big deal. So after all that, there's also now a physical reason. Now I REALLY can't say anything without coming off as selfish.

 

 

Not trying to sound like the devil of the thread, but i've had GF's in the past who didnt want to have sex once kids came and such and they used that one as an excuse for not wanting to "do the deed". And thats a tough peice of meat to bite into, cause unless there are obvious cysts going on, or some kinda medical diagnosis you were present for you just gotta take her word for it... thats how GF's of mine got out of sex with their hubbys.

 

Not calling your wife a liar, but that part of your post popped out at me so i had to share my experience with said subject

[wanderingguy]

She's struggling with her job and housework. Do you help her enough at home?

 

 

 

 

So she had some physical illness, while struggling with all these. You didn't even know. Do you attend enough for her health and well being? I think the husband should be the first to know these discomforts.

 

 

 

Your wife may not be correct, but I feel you are not caring for her and helping her enough. Women don't want sex when they are tired.

 

Try to be more supportive and understand her. Make time with each other your priority.

 

Hmmmmmmmmm. Well, maybe. This is the first she communicated this to me. Believe me, I feel guilty about it. I don't think I am being ridiculous though. This is a longer term issue than the medical stuff. There are ways to work around the medical stuff too.

 

I sort of resent this concept of sex as a goal and not process. I'm not asking for sex 3 times a day - once a week is a reasonable goal and it should take priority over all else including work. There will ALWAYS be way more work than what we have time for. If we wait for the moment of no stress, I guarantee we will be waiting a long time. It's what I've been doing. We used to watch shows together, that had stopped too. I would even take that at this point, though sex is way more important. I don't feel I am helping her by remaining silent about this either. When I voice my feelings, it adds to her stress.

 

See my earlier post about helping. Tending to her emotionally is good advice for anyone , but how do you tend to someone whose main source of stress is work and it is dominating everything else ? I can't do her work for her.

 

We talked last night after I posted. "you have no idea how much stress I am under." "I know you hate me. " etc. We then sort of negotiated a time to watch a show tonight, but the talked ourselves out of that. She insisted she will not work next week at night when we are at my parents house. I am not sure I believe that.

 

I find I used to have more sympathy than I do now. There will always be more work. There will not always be commitment unless you care for it, you know?

[wanderingguy]

"I don't even have enough time to take care of myself."

 

Depressing. Not sure what I can do.

[xxoo]

Has she been to the dr in the past year?

 

Can she quit her job?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Who is the primary breadwinner?

[Thegameoflife]

Why don't you tell your wife she needs to stop her crap? This kind of crap wouldn't go one week without me telling my wife that, if she was putting work before me and her family. What the hell is the point of being faithful and married to someone if this is the piss poor treatment she is sending your way.

 

As for your wife being sick. Why not tell her the truth. She is going to die eventually, because stress depresses the immune system for 8 hours. If constantly under stress with no reprieve, the illnesses will start coming soon, and then she will get cancer and die.

 

Honestly, if she can't step out of her crazy crap life to realize a job isn't more important that her family, just walk the hell out. Take her back if she's willing to change gears and make family life work. She isn't going to change until the train comes off the tracks. Stand up for yourself, it's disgraceful.

[MidwestUSA]

It's a shame, because sex (good sex) is such a tremendous stress reliever. I agree with others that your wife needs to get her stress under control. Is it mostly her job? Can she change jobs, or cut her hours?

 

BTW, no shame in using Viagra (that popped out at me) and it's unfair of her to make you feel bad about it! Really, really unfair!

[sunshinegirl]

What is her job, why does she have to work such long hours, why is it such a big source of stress?

 

The obvious answer is for her to change jobs to something with better hours and less stress, to eliminate a major stresser on your relationship.

 

I'm surprised that I haven't seen you mention this in any of your posts to date.

[wanderingguy]

She is faculty. Is not a job you can easily "replace" - is also a job she really wants.

 

There's an economic aspect to it too.

 

Honestly though, I'm not convinced this won't be a problem with any job for her. It's a boundary issue.

 

Thanks for chiming in.

[Eve]

I find I used to have more sympathy than I do now. There will always be more work. There will not always be commitment unless you care for it, you know?

 

I think you are astutely aware that this is the main issue for yourself due to being worn down.

 

All in all, if this is going to work closeness must be regained. Not just sexual closeness. That should naturally follow. You both need to go on a bit of an adventure in terms of how you share intimacy. Right now your wife failing to manage her stress is taking centre position and is sucking up the intimacy time. This is understandable if she is thinking purely in terms of things which she 'must do' all the time. Life gets boring pretty quickly and disillusionment can set in if under such a mindset.

 

Try and find an escape for the both of you. Plan ahead and include fun things to do - especially if money is tight. She must do the same.

 

Also practically, two simple things done each day just for each other could regain that closeness. Once you regain that the whole world can be crashing around you but you will be safe because you will be fighting on the same side.

 

Hope the little one is ok.

 

Regain closeness. What to do with the job etc will be easier decided, or could fade once attention is placed elsewhere.

 

IMO, this could be linked to the whole seven year itch thing, which if not careful can destroy a marriage. In the brief article below I quite liked the emphasis on biological change.

 

Jennifer Nagy: The Seven-Year Itch: Fact or Fiction?

 

Take care,

Eve x

[pink_sugar]

I can definitely relate to this, although I think there is good reason for my stress. We're barely meeting ends meet, behind on many bills and hoping to find better jobs soon since we're just graduating college. With the death of relatives recently, school, debt and scraping by, I have been scattered and any little thing makes me stressed. I am on anti anxiety medication and it really does help. Sometimes I find that my husband doesn't provide me with much companionship as he's always playing a video game, on his phone or etc. So for me, it sometimes feels like he's part of the problem rather than the solution and I feel resentful at times because of our other issues.

[lucy_in_disguise]

You never answered my question re: primary breadwinner. Does the financial burden fall primarily on your wife's shoulders?

 

I don't think "any" job would result in the same level of stress. But it sounds like you both believe she needs to stay at this job for financial reasons.