soccerrprp Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 There's nothing sexy about being choked. People who use pain and inflict physical harm and call that "sexy" have issues that are NOT healthy. It's insane to condone, accept, excuse behavior that can lead to serious physical harm, intentional or no. Ask, or tell him that you are not into that and/or move on. 2
Got it Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 If you only date choir boys it may seem outrageous. But, I would think that choking is serious and he probably took the initiative from the kiss. Or he just crossed the line to see what happened. I don't believe many need an opening. Shoot, the sun was shining could have been perceived as an opening. This is pure speculation. 1
2sunny Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I think there is value in getting honest with the choking dude. Tell him it was inappropriate and made you feel you weren't safe. He deserves to know he's harming himself and others by doing this to his gals he may potentially date. Don't stop dating available men - in fact, date more of them - and consider cutting it off with your MM (get the key back!) so that anyone you consider dating gets a fair chance by going into it with room in your heart for an available guy. As long as you ALLOW the MM to take up residence in your heart (and your head) - you leave no room to REALLY consider a guy who is single. 3
Author LilGirlandOW Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 maybe i should have asked him whats up, i just feel i have so much of my own problems right now with being the OW, I dont have the mental capcity to deal with his. 1
Author LilGirlandOW Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 I totally agree, my heart is with my MM 100%, and what i was hoping is kinda like a herion addict goes on methadone to stop "chasing the dragon", i was hoping if i were to get distracted by a nice single guy i would loose sight of my married dragon 1
Pierre Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I think there is value in getting honest with the choking dude. Tell him it was inappropriate and made you feel you weren't safe. He deserves to know he's harming himself and others by doing this to his gals he may potentially date. Don't stop dating available men - in fact, date more of them - and consider cutting it off with your MM (get the key back!) so that anyone you consider dating gets a fair chance by going into it with room in your heart for an available guy. As long as you ALLOW the MM to take up residence in your heart (and your head) - you leave no room to REALLY consider a guy who is single. If I was a single available guy looking for a GF I would hate to date a woman that is in love with her MM and is using me to see if she can get over the relationship. Too be honrest it sounds like dating for sport. 4
soccerrprp Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 There is a whole community of psychologists and an entire subculture of people who would heartily beg to differ. Now I'm not saying what happened with the OP was ok — although to be fair, it honestly doesn't sound like he "choked" her or intended to, rather he may have unwittingly applied a little too much pressure during the kiss and I find it odd she didn't call him on it right away — but nevertheless, I wouldn't label all the people who are into that as having some kind of psychological issue or something. Are psychologists trained to make MORAL judgments? I wonder. It's MY opinion that there is something unhealthy with people who think inflicting pain is sexy. I frankly don't care what psychologists or a "sub"-culture of people have to say about that. There are plenty of "sub" cultures are have all kinds of ideas that are simply not healthy, hence, "SUB" (underground, in hiding) culture. This guy inflicted unwanted pain on the OP. He had no idea if the pressure he was applying was not going to do more damage. Everyone's physiology is different. For him to do this is certainly not healthy. There is NO way you can convince me that it was. Never mind the choking, what kind of person puts his hands around the neck of someone you've just started dating??!?! This guy IS off.... 1
spice4life Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Umm...choking or applyng too much pressure on someone's throat on the FIRST date is absolutely NOT okay. I'm sorry, but that is just plain weird! It smacks of some serious boundary issues on the guy's part. It was a first date for God's sake! The guy does NOT deserve a pass. It means this guy is totally out of it as far as reality is concerned. And about the "whole psychological" community that would disagree? They would most certainly disagree in this case. You don't just jump right out of the box and choke someone if your into that sort of weird kinkiness. Even people into that stuff would need to get to know the person first and find out if they are into it or not. I cannot believe anyone would even argue or give the guy a pass in this situation. With that said, didn't this just happen to a celebrity recently? Her husband choked her at a restaurant? 2
spiderowl Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I think there is value in getting honest with the choking dude. Tell him it was inappropriate and made you feel you weren't safe. He deserves to know he's harming himself and others by doing this to his gals he may potentially date. Don't stop dating available men - in fact, date more of them - and consider cutting it off with your MM (get the key back!) so that anyone you consider dating gets a fair chance by going into it with room in your heart for an available guy. As long as you ALLOW the MM to take up residence in your heart (and your head) - you leave no room to REALLY consider a guy who is single. Translated as, he deserves to know he's a weirdo and you'll report him to the police if he tries that stuff again.
spiderowl Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 maybe i should have asked him whats up, i just feel i have so much of my own problems right now with being the OW, I dont have the mental capcity to deal with his. You don't owe him anything, but you owe it yourself to keep away from this guy. His behaviour is creepy and potentially dangerous. 1
WakingUp Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I need to say this because it is a possibility.... It was not intentional. He is a guy, he was excited, and my understanding is you were in the separate front seats of a car? Awkward at best. Simple physical logistics. He probably had no idea he was hurting you. If you had called ouch my neck I think you would have got an answer. Moral of the story... don't kiss in uncomfortable positions. Stop looking for badness where it may not be. 1
Forever Learning Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 (edited) Hi LilGirlandOW! WOW! What happened to you is really interesting to me, I am just as confused as you as to why he did this! There are alot of very thought provoking posts on this thread! Now, you said you have known him since high school, and even know him well enough to talk to his sister. So, this isn't a total stranger that you just met on the internet. ALTHOUGH....... you can know someone a long time, and think you know them, and find out you didn't REALLY know them. Sometimes. You said his sister said he takes steroids. Oh dear, that's no good. I had a friend who took steroids. He acted really strange when he was on steroids (like a cave man). Steroids are dangerous, not good for your body, and illegal, right? And I have witnessed it make my friend act really aggressive and strange. (* Edited, later added footnote *: that friend on steroids ended up dead, actually. End footnote *) I bet, if he knew his sister told you about the steroids, and it was true (I assume she is telling the truth, by the way, just an assumption - most people wouldn't say this if there was not at least a grain of truth to that...........) he might get really mad at her..... so, if you did ever talk to him again, you probably shouldn't tell him his sister said that (I guess you could say you heard it through the grapevine, or just ask him point blank if he takes steroids), - so he doesn't go after her. You might put her in danger if you told him that she said that. Is he a bodybuilder/muscular/weight lifter, by the way? At all? Anyhow, if he's taking steroids, you just don't want him in your life. It will be a roller coaster relationship with a guy on steroids. Just my opinion. About the choking. That's a hard call - it sounds like it was intentional, but it was with his thumb on your airway, and not his whole hand. I do wonder if he applied to much pressure accidentally, because he has lost good judgment being on steroids. Or, if he just applied pressure because he is a spazzy freakazoid :laugh: Now, the guy I knew on steroids, he mainly acted aggressive within a few hours after taking them, not for weeks after. I wonder if this guy took the steroids within 24 hours before your date with him? Of course, we will never know, and it doesn't matter I guess. The bottom line is, he hurt your neck with his thumb on your airpipe. The lower part of the neck, at the base of the neck, right? And now I wonder, possibly, since you were kissing in a car, that he maybe WAS trying to get you to 'pass out', and take you somewhere. I hate to think that. Maybe this guy is an idiot (so many are Sorry guys here at Love Shack) and thought you would easily pass out, and he would drive you off somewhere and have his way with you! Some guys are TRULY that weird/perverted. There is so much crazy internet porn out there, and crazy movies, etc, etc. It is a wild world we live in nowadays. Dumb horny guys can do dumb things. I would have to meet this guy and get a feeling over time from talking with him, the things he says, and his mannerisms, body language, the way he moves his eyes, etc etc, to begin to know if there were red flags and he's up to no good, and of course I can't do that from here. Did you get ANY red flags when talking to him? All I can from here is make different guesses about all this. And still - MAYBE he just got a little too excited during the kiss and pressed too hard on your throat. He would have to be a majorly nervous basket case moron to press THAT HARD that your throat is hurting. Was he a majorly nervous basket case moron? Or not? I almost feel like you should text him and ask him about this. But, that is just for MY curiousity sake! If he's a weirdo, and that is your gut feeling, you should just leave him alone, don't even text. No contact. Also, if he is taking steroids, that is a really bad deal that you don't want in your life either, because he won't act right, and that can be addictive (steroids) too - if only for their ego (taking steroids to constantly build muscle and look good, along with physically being addictive - not sure on that part.....). Just my opinion of course. Lastly. You probably SHOULD spend some time on your own without dating, reading self help books about relationships and self esteem. Try "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. :bunny: It's at the library, it's my all time FAVORITE book! It's a top seller, oldie but goodie! Also, Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. I heard there's a good one called It's A Break Up, Not A Break Down I just googled for you, here is a website. I am going to check it out too. It looks good! This website seems to be the workbook, not the book, but still a good place to check out. Lisa Steadman's It's A Breakup, Not A Breakdown, internationally acclaimed relationship journalist, and best-selling author Are you seeing a therapist? If you can't afford to, keep reading all you can around here. You need to get away from this married guy. There is alot of great advice around here, hopefully you will educate yourself about how toxic being involved in affairs can be. I do wish you luck on finding a nice, wonderful, healthy, SINGLE guy! Work on yourself, too. And get your house key back, and go no contact on this married guy you had been seeing in the past. It's going to be ROUGH, like ANY BREAK UP, but you have to go 'NO CONTACT' with him to HEAL YOUR HEART AND BRAIN. If this married guy is so unhappy in his marriage, he needs to just get a divorce and become single himself. Bottom line! *********************** So, if I was forced to give a verdict on the 'choking via thumb on airpipe' guy (that sounds so weird) - I would say....... He probably did it on purpose. The positioning of his hand on your neck, with his thumb on your airpipe, is just not all that natural, for it to be a goofed up weird accident type situation. It seems VERY unusual. I guess that is my bottom line, forensic mystery solver opinion Like I said, you could always text and ask him WTF was he doing? But if he's also on steroids, to HELL with that! So you might better leave him alone. There are so many other fish in the sea to choose from! Oh, by the way, did you know - the world is your oyster? It is!!!! But you have to go NO CONTACT on the married guy, or you will just be spinning your wheels with any other guy. I hope this jibber jabber from me, helped you somehow. Especially the book recommendations, I hope you will look into them. All the best to you dear. Edited June 30, 2013 by Forever Learning 1
Author LilGirlandOW Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 Forever Learning! What a great post, thanks! Yeah he "choking friend" is a professional athlete now, and looks way to muscular than any human should possibly be, which was a shock, lol. Since our lunch date, I just went into immediate NC with him, like I said I have no time for any more relationship drama, the whole MM situation is enough for me right now. As much as I do love my MM and feed off his crumbs, he has ironically taught me alot about what i deserve in a relationship, i'll never settle for anything less than the best in the future, after i sort out said married situation. lol. 1
Pierre Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Forever Learning! What a great post, thanks! Yeah he "choking friend" is a professional athlete now, and looks way to muscular than any human should possibly be, which was a shock, lol. Since our lunch date, I just went into immediate NC with him, like I said I have no time for any more relationship drama, the whole MM situation is enough for me right now. As much as I do love my MM and feed off his crumbs, he has ironically taught me alot about what i deserve in a relationship, i'll never settle for anything less than the best in the future, after i sort out said married situation. lol. This date does not look like a winner. You are in love with MM. Why did you bother to kiss him? Were you afraid to disappoint? Did you want a good date no matter what? You say "I will never settle for anything less than the best". And yet, you kissed the guy. I know many will say a kiss is meaningless. If that is your answer I will take it.
pureinheart Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Wow, I just cant seem to get it right these days, First there's MM, I'm trying to move on, and actually went on a nice lunch date with a single man/old high school friend, after date he drops me off at home, and we share a kiss, the problem arises when he put his hand around my neck, and tried to use his thumb to apply pressure to the front of my throat enough that it still hurts, its strange cause he's always been a nice guy, we always were good friends, but I am freaked out, since our lunch date he's texted me multiple times, asking where i am/what i'm doing. Why would he wanna try to choke me? is this a sexual thing? Its definelty not my thing thats for sure. He's most likely a crackhead (not drug related crackhead). I would have choked him back. What a jerk. 1
Got it Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 This date does not look like a winner. You are in love with MM. Why did you bother to kiss him? Were you afraid to disappoint? Did you want a good date no matter what? You say "I will never settle for anything less than the best". And yet, you kissed the guy. I know many will say a kiss is meaningless. If that is your answer I will take it. LilGirl - the IMPORTANT thing is that you have come to a very self protecting and important decision and prioritizing yourself. Kudos! I think you are learning a lot about yourself, what you want out of relationships, etc. Continue on this journey. There are bobbles in the road but remember, "we do not learn from our successes, we learn from our mistakes". 1
SoleMate Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 The choking is unforgivable. There is no possible excuse or justification. I would like to see you with more anger and outrage about this, for your own protection. Never see him again, do not take his calls. And maybe visit a victim support center so you can get advice and norms about the types of touching that are OK and Not OK. 1
Pierre Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I would have choked him back. Not a good idea. The question remains: Why did OP kissed this man? In fact, why did she date this man? She is 100% in love with someone else. I truly believe this is important.
Forever Learning Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Not a good idea. The question remains: Why did OP kissed this man? In fact, why did she date this man? She is 100% in love with someone else. I truly believe this is important. Didn't she say she was trying to move on from the married man? I didn't go back to re-read, just going by memory..... Hoping to find/ connect with someone else? Healthy move or not, I believe that is what she was trying to do. She is in a desperate state of agony right now, things don't necessarily make 100% sense, and that is very common. Just explaining why, someone in this state of agony, does what they do. Very common. She's hurting and trying to claw her way AWAY from the married man.
Author LilGirlandOW Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Yes, the lunch date went very well, lots of laughs and walks down memory lane, i must admit i felt in a zone of uncomfort, as yes the date, and laughs and chat was nice but it wasnt with the man i love The kiss, I feel bad about, than I dont, I cheated on a man who's cheating with me, thats a strange feeling, I think i was just trying to push myself away from my married boyfriend with reconnecting with an old friend, if the whole awkward kiss had not have happened, who knows maybe I wouldnt be still in the shrinking A bubble still
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Didn't she say she was trying to move on from the married man? I didn't go back to re-read, just going by memory..... Hoping to find/ connect with someone else? Healthy move or not, I believe that is what she was trying to do. She is in a desperate state of agony right now, things don't necessarily make 100% sense, and that is very common. Just explaining why, someone in this state of agony, does what they do. Very common. She's hurting and trying to claw her way AWAY from the married man. Desperate women (or men) make very bad choices. It is that simple! I believe she has no business dating when she is 110% in love with her MM. What is the point? This mishap (the date) is really important and needs analysis by the OP. OP said her MM told her to "not accept nothing but the best for her in a relationship". This is very good advice, but it is coming from a man that has been less than stellar with OP. This merits some attention. This MM is only looking for his own interest.
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Yes, the lunch date went very well, lots of laughs and walks down memory lane, i must admit i felt in a zone of uncomfort, as yes the date, and laughs and chat was nice but it wasnt with the man i love The kiss, I feel bad about, than I dont, I cheated on a man who's cheating with me, thats a strange feeling, I think i was just trying to push myself away from my married boyfriend with reconnecting with an old friend, if the whole awkward kiss had not have happened, who knows maybe I wouldnt be still in the shrinking A bubble still Your need to be loved is way too strong. This may lead you to pick the wrong guy time after time.
Author LilGirlandOW Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Yes you're right, a 10yr "train wreck" marraige that came about because I got pregnant more than we were soul mates, ending badly and quickly, with the emotional support (?) of MM, who I fell passionatly in love with. I've really only ever had 3 boyfriends in my life, one in high school, the next xH, then now MM. But they all piggybacked eachother, and I've only ever been single for one 6 mnth stretch between Relationships. I've only ever felt passion, love and a great connection with my MM. Maybe thats out of inexperience, and what I feel is only the tip of the iceburg of what true love really feels like, that i dont know.
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Yes you're right, a 10yr "train wreck" marraige that came about because I got pregnant more than we were soul mates, ending badly and quickly, with the emotional support (?) of MM, who I fell passionatly in love with. I've really only ever had 3 boyfriends in my life, one in high school, the next xH, then now MM. But they all piggybacked eachother, and I've only ever been single for one 6 mnth stretch between Relationships. I've only ever felt passion, love and a great connection with my MM. Maybe thats out of inexperience, and what I feel is only the tip of the iceburg of what true love really feels like, that i dont know. I respectfully say to you that you picked the wrong guy when you fell in love with MM. But, you wanted love. I don't like a guy that tells you "not to accept anything, but the best" while he is stringing you alone. Obviously, he is not the best for you.
Got it Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 OP - please keep looking forward and please understand the difference between self analyzing and beating something to death and obsessing on the wrong points. While we love to play armchair psychologists here none of us are truly qualified to tell you what to do. I do highly recommend IC. You have moved on from xMM now right? So dissecting what he said, any banal "noble" comments he may had made about your dating life past, present and future are about as valuable as the air it was expelled on. What he thought, thinks, pontificates, or muses about your thoughts, actions and life are of no value. Focus on you. What are your thoughts, actions and emotions about your life. What do you see for your future? What is your goal? What are the steps to get there? Do you journal? Journaling is very helpful especially during an ending, it allows you to reread your thoughts, look for patterns, look at when you emotions flare up and why, and allows you to pull the layers back on your emotional self. There is a baring of soul that happens on a break up, or should, if one wants to move forward emerging from the cocoon. I think you see some old established patterns in your life. The first and hardest step is recognizing them. The second and exactly valuable is to decide what you want to do about them. Do you like them? Do they serve you well? If not, how can you lay down new muscle memory? I think this date was a valuable experience, separate and non inclusive of the choking. I think it did show you what has been your common coping mechanism and now you are analyzing how you want to handle things going forward. At this point, xMM is insignificant in your life and your existence. He does not define you, he does not make you. You are a separate and whole entity before he came into your life and after he exited stage left. Another good exercise is the write down all the things you like about yourself. Reread it for affirmation. Write down all the things you want to do, learn, experience, in your life. Start working on that list. Invest in your life; don't be a passenger. ((((OW))))) Be in the moment, stay just in today. Namaste.
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