ChickenLatteNum9 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 So I have posted here once before about a guy I met over 7 months ago. There was an instant connection and attraction, but I felt he really didn't care for me. We have stopped talking multiple times throughout the 7 months. We recently reconnected and decided we still really liked each other. We decided we would starts dating again. He lives in Michigan and me in Indiana. I have made 2 trips there and will be making a 3rd in July. I have found that I really like him and would like to truly focus on us. He thinks I am not focused enough. We both admit that the distance is stressful and the fact that we are both furthering our educations. He thinks I am immature, but I blame that on the age difference (he 42, me 29). I would like suggestions on how to make him feel like I am serious?
NJtoDC Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 What effort is this man putting into the relationship? Is he coming to see you or is it just you to him? How does he think you are not focused enough and why does he think you are immature? Lastly, and most importantly, what qualities and actions has this man shown you that makes it worth the effort (time, travel, emotions, expenses, struggles) to try again in this on and off again relationship?
na49 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 but can you blame him for not thinking you're serious? you've been in and out of contact with him over the past 7 months. what will put this time over the top? what were the reasons you guys stopped contacting each other before?
justwhoiam Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Did he ever visit you? If so, how many times? Age is not always a good indicator of maturity, as I think a woman at 29 can be more mature that many at 42... Sure there's some age gap, but that's a different thing, not directly associated with maturity. You felt he didn't care much about you. Probably your age made him steer clear. Especially if he feels a bit older, or looks his age, and you look younger than your age. But why did you feel he didn't care? Make a list of the things that raised doubts. Anyway, if he thinks you're immature, that's not a good thing. He might be right or wrong, I have no idea. Make him tell you why he thinks you are, make a list with that too. Without specific information, it's difficult to give advice. So come back and tell us more.
Author ChickenLatteNum9 Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Did he ever visit you? If so, how many times? Age is not always a good indicator of maturity, as I think a woman at 29 can be more mature that many at 42... Sure there's some age gap, but that's a different thing, not directly associated with maturity. You felt he didn't care much about you. Probably your age made him steer clear. Especially if he feels a bit older, or looks his age, and you look younger than your age. But why did you feel he didn't care? Make a list of the things that raised doubts. Anyway, if he thinks you're immature, that's not a good thing. He might be right or wrong, I have no idea. Make him tell you why he thinks you are, make a list with that too. Without specific information, it's difficult to give advice. So come back and tell us more. He thinks me texting, me going out with friends, me not getting worked up over what I consider minor things, is all immature. He can't come see me because he lost his job, which I knew, and is using all available funds to keep his home, which I understand. We have stopped talking because he thinks I see other men for dating and sex. He thinks I juust include him in my group of friends and not someone special. I am not sure where these ideas come from. I sent him thank you cards after each visit and even sent a vday card when it was brand new. I dont think negatively of him because he doesnt send things or whatever.
LittleTiger Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 This relationships sounds like a one way street! You are the one paying out to visit him every time, you are the one who sends thank you cards etc What does he do to show you that he really cares about you and wants to make the relationship work? If he doesn't trust you and thinks you are out dating/having sex with other men, then you don't have a relationship in the first place. This really looks like a non-starter to me - sorry.
CA2TN4Love Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I agree with LittleTiger. In addition, he's making some serious accusations about your behavior. Do you give him reason to doubt your loyalty to him? If not, consider your future with this man. He's clearly insecure, and that doesn't bode well in an LDR. Trust is of utmost importance. If he was so mature, he'd realize the effort that you've shown and would communicate his fears, rather than accuse. Perhaps he's pointing the finger at you in an effort to take the spotlight off of his own shortcomings? He's lost his job, he's hanging on to his home by a thread, and he's probably feeling pretty lousy about it right now. He could be a bit depressed and that's enough to wreak havoc on anyone's love life. Have a heart to heart talk with him (can't get more mature than honest communication!), and let him know how you feel, but don't get so wrapped up in feeling like you have to prove yourself to him. Trust me, he may just have enough baggage that you may never measure up. Living under someone's critical thumb can be suffocating. I wish you luck!
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