Acrimony Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Hi friends, I guess I'm looking for some objective advice on my current situation. As all relationships go, it's sort of a long, drawn-out, and convoluted story, but I'll try to keep extraneous details to a minimum. Also, I would like to avoid coming across as some sort of *******. I try to admit my faults ahead of time. My girlfriend broke up with me last year. It felt abrupt, but in hindsight it was always looming over the relationship. Despite loving each other greatly, we each had our own issues that the other would seem to brush off. One of my problems, which I realized even then was unfair of me, was her sexual history. Because we grew up in the same town, she's had a few partners that I frequently run into. There were times I was sitting in a bar with her and there would be four of them I could see at once, and it would make me extremely uncomfortable (I don't mean to paint her to be the town slut, she is not by any means, it's only that her previous partners tend to frequent the same places, as we are all roughly the same age, and overlap with our social circles. She makes small talk with them too). Now, I should mention that her partners that I did not know, or who I didn't have to worry about running into, didn't bother me at all. I think, more than anything, I was bothered by what her choices in previous partners meant about her choice to be with me. These were all guys who never wanted a relationship with her, and simply used her for sex. Maybe she used them too (unlikely, and I would hope not). She hasn't had many real relationships. And to add to that, I had to crawl through hell and high water to be with her, and when I learned of her past, it made me feel incredibly confused as to why I worked so hard to gain her intimacy (obviously, that wasn't the only factor for me), when she simply willingly gave it up for other men. Part of it, I chose to optimistically believe, could have been that we were very good friends before and she did not want to ruin that. Another thing is that, before becoming intimate with her, I was under the impression she was somewhat chaste. Which is never fair to assume, but she did give off the strong impression, in our quiet moments together, that she did not sleep around, was not like other girls (which, again, my naivety), which to me was amazing in a town where everyone has slept with everyone. I was drawn to that rare kind of restraint, as I personally made an effort to stay out of the intermingling circles of relationships (I dated girls who were not originally from my town.) It felt like I was standing on the outskirts of a circus and looked across and saw her standing outside too, that we both could laugh at the small town drama. I guess what it came down to was my instability with my retroactive jealousy, especially with my preconceived idea of her history. I knew I was being immature and petty. But I also felt the desire to have some kind of proof that I was special, and that had anyone else put in my effort, that they wouldn't have the same results. I KNOW that may come across as naive or self-absorbed but I've always been sort of a...romantic?...and wanted one of those relationships where it was a matter of me being the one, as opposed to just the next one. After the breakup, I desperately wanted another chance to rectify things. But she cut me off. One of the important things I learned was that relationships aren't storybook romances and they take work, and sacrifice. This was different than my previous relationships because I had the amazing experience of being with the girl I grew up caring about but the less than amazing experience of dealing with these questions. With my previous girlfriends, sexual history was never a factor. I simply didn't care. So back to the present. When she broke up with me I was terrified about her previous sexual behavior and if she would resume that. She cut off all communication. Since it was out of my hands and really none of my business, I chose to carry on, despite my devastation. I chose not to focus on girls, and instead focus on myself. I tried my best to be happy. Over the months, I slowly gained that. I thought about her every day but did everything I could to convince myself it was meant to be, and to assume the worst about what she was doing. Then out of the blue she contacted me. I was absolutely shocked. I tried not to be elated about it. She asked me if I'd been seeing anyone and was paranoid that I had hooked up with any girls she knew. I hadn't. Finally, though, I realized what the question meant and I asked her the same thing. She avoided straight answers but finally admitted she had. This happened almost immediately after we ended things. With yet another person from town. I was so angry about it but told myself she didn't cheat. I then learned more and more, that she had been hanging out with him while we were seeing each other. Nothing beyond that happened during that time, as far as what she told me. Even still, to me, this was worse than whatever happened after we ended things. For some reason, we've grown closer. Spending a lot of time together. She wants to be with me again, but the problems I had before, which now seem minuscule, are exacerbated by these new developments. If I was insecure about her reasons to be with me before, what do I think now? Especially that there is someone else I have to feel uncomfortable about running into. (Also, many of her close friends are friends with her newest fling. Do I ask her not to be friends with them? That isn't fair, right?) She is very special to me but I have a hard time feeling special to her. She says she made the biggest mistake of her life and I know she regrets her decision. The times I've told her I can't do it anymore she breaks down. This has caused me so much anxiety and pain that I find it hard to forgive her. But I want to. Is this relationship kaput? I know that if we were far away it would be easier but now if I run into anybody it will put me in a sour mood. And that's regardless of whether or not I choose to be with her... so can I change how I think, be more mature, and ask her to work with me (she says she is willing to change and work on things too) or is it all for naught? I do notice that when I focus on myself that I am less angry. It is when I'm consumed by thoughts about our relationship that I become very bitter. If I could find some happy medium between where I was before she contacted me and where I am now, then maybe it can work? I'm thinking one thing I may need to do regardless is let go of my romanticism about relationships. That no one is perfect and that everyone has a history. And that everyone makes mistakes. Maybe I need to embrace the cold reality of today's world where casual sexual activity is the norm (save for one, all my sexual partners have been more than flings). Maybe it's what I have to deal with going forward, with or without her. But if I must deal with it anyway, maybe I should give it a shot with someone I'm already so close with? Or maybe I'm delusional. Sorry for the long post. I just needed to get it all out there. Thanks to anybody who took the time.
pteromom Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Either accept her history and continue to work on your own jealousy and insecurities, or let her go and find someone whose values are more in line with your own. But nothing you can say or do can change her past choices. So there is no point in agonizing over them.
Author Acrimony Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Thanks for the reply. And, oh I totally understand that. I don't just stand around wishing things hadn't happened. I guess I'm just conflicted between wiping the slate clean and ignoring the past to give the best chance at having a good relationship, or taking the past into account in order to protect myself, in case she lapses in her behavior. Because I've already been devastated. It's hard to just tell myself to find someone whose values are in line with my own because I'm starting to think I have the values of a colonial pilgrim. I'm a modern guy, I live in modern times. A lot of what I think about sexuality is probably ingrained in my head from some sort of antiquated religious context I wish to have no part of at this point in my life. In most other facets of life my worldview is fairly progressive I think. I like to drink, smoke occasionally, I support gay rights, and I'd like to consider myself a feminist (my feelings on promiscuity apply to both sexes, but I only have to deal with one of them). I just worry my values on sexuality aren't even feasible anymore - especially if I want the perks that come with living a fun, modern, progressive lifestyle - if they ever were feasible at all (after all, biologically, sex is about competition, not all the romance we've applied to it) It's tough. I guess what it comes down to is do you say, life is too short, go find your perfect, storybook match made in heaven? Or life is too short, be realistic about your expectations and learn to appreciate who you have, it's hard work?
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