miserablemom Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 I am very confused. I am married with 2 small children. However, I was madly in love with someone else many years ago and my parents made me stop seeing him. I have never gotten over him. I tried to move on with my life even thought I was still in love with this other person BIG MISTAKE and thought I was marrying a warm, loving and wonderful guy. I thought he would love me unconditionally and that he would never hurt me. Boy was I wrong! He was previously married and his ex is a lunatic. She has caused many problems. Serious problems. He has had an affair. We have been together 12 years and I still think about this other guy. He is now married and has a family. I know there is no future with us so why can I not stop thinking about him? My husband and I have been to counseling and everything and he never changes. I am so confused!!! Help any suggestions?
Papillon Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 I would suggest you start thinking about this guy in terms of who he is now and not who he was back then. He's not the same person, and you'd probably discover that you don't find him attractive at all, just the fantasy of who he was. You're remembering your love for this guy, and you're simply looking for a convenient replacement for your broken marriage. Fix the marriage or get out. Stop focusing on what-ifs.
Author miserablemom Posted October 17, 2004 Author Posted October 17, 2004 Hi, I know that what you are saying is absolutely true. I also know that there is no way to stay in this marriage. I just don't know what to do or where to start. I am sure that sounds like a cop out. I am financially dependent on this man at this time. I am college educated and know that I could find work if I lived elsewhere. This area is very rural and has no opportunites available. If I only had myself to think about, it would be so easy. However, I have the kids to be concerned about. Thanks for your honesty!
meanon Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 If you know there is no way you can stay then you need to get over your panic about not knowing what to do and where to start and begin the process of sorting out the practicalities. As soon as you do, you'll begin to feel better. Think of where you want to be with your kids in a years time, how you can manage, what support you will need. Then start working out the steps you will need to take to get there. Get advice on what financial help may be available to you and how much maintenance you may receive. Once you know that leaving is feasible you will feel less confused and more positive about your future, if indeed you are sure that being single is preferable to remaining married.
Devildog Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 As far as this love of your life guy goes, you were forced apart. You have idealized memories of this person and they look that much greater because of the issues you are experiencing in your marriage. If you were to find this other person and somehow manage to get together with him, you would be incredibly dissappointed I think. You have built them up and the reality is that they will never live up to your expectations. There was a girl I knew in High School that I missed out on my chance with. I have thought about her in the same way you do. But I am aware I have an idealized memory of her because of a lack of any serious relationship. And I prefer to leave her that way. You either didn't see the faults because of being together such a short time or you have cleansed them from your memories of him. A question you should ask yourself, is this idealized man from your past making you unhappy in your current marriage, or is your current marriage making you idealize this guy from your past?
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