atlg8r Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I know this can vary from person to person, but I haven't dated in really seven years. What is sort of the typical experience for dating someone new? I feel like the guy I'm interested in and I have had an atypical experience already, but I want some "average" experiences to compare to. So, how much physical intimacy do you allow in the first few dates or first few months? At what point would you start thinking about exclusivity? Is there a difference between being "exclusive" and labeling yourselves "boyfriend/girlfriend"? Thanks for the insight!
BluEyeL Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 It can widely vary. From my personal perspective, first kiss after 2-3 dates, sex after exclusivity (and more than one month and 6-7 dates), boyfriend/girlfriend after 3 months.
Author atlg8r Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 It can widely vary. From my personal perspective, first kiss after 2-3 dates, sex after exclusivity (and more than one month and 6-7 dates), boyfriend/girlfriend after 3 months. What is the difference between being exclusive and calling yourselves boyfriend/girlfriend?
BluEyeL Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I think the difference is announcing it to the world and introducing each other publicly as an item, as well as announcing to each other intention to commit to building a serious long term relationship with each other. Exclusivity is still getting to know each other, without having sex with other people. 1
Author atlg8r Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I think the difference is announcing it to the world and introducing each other publicly as an item, as well as announcing to each other intention to commit to building a serious long term relationship with each other. Exclusivity is still getting to know each other, without having sex with other people. Thanks. I never really got that distinction before.
Phantom888 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Everyone is different, and it's important that your potential partner is onboard with your timeline. I don't believe in any rules. In the past, as a man, my rule was: Kiss after 2-3 dates.... exclusivity AND Boyfriend/Girlfriend after 2 months, Sex after we both acknowledge "I LOVE YOU"....and so forth. This current relationship is: Kiss 1st date, sex-exclusivity-BF/GF 2nd date, and I LOVE YOU 5th date. A lot faster than before, though we are more mature and older so I don't see a reason to wait unnecessarily. Plus we don't see each other as often as "young" people do, so much time passes between each date, which allows time for communication (talking, emailing, etc).
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I don't really have an average timeline, because when I was just dating for fun, the timeline varied vs when I was ready for an actual relationship. Physically, I have always just went with the flow. Meaning very soon. With my BF we had first kiss first date, and had sex on date number 4 or 5 I think. Course, we spent every night together after our second date. Meaning that we slept together after dating for 5 days. Relationship wise, we never had an actual "talk". He just started referring to me as his GF and I his boyfriend, it was understood through conversations that we were looking for something long term and were exclusive after having sex and since we clicked so well, we sort of just jumped into it.
BradJacobs Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 The best timeline is the one that develops naturally. This won't work for everyone but it's kept me very happy in my dating life. 1
clia Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I think the difference is announcing it to the world and introducing each other publicly as an item, as well as announcing to each other intention to commit to building a serious long term relationship with each other. Exclusivity is still getting to know each other, without having sex with other people. I had honestly never heard of this distinction until I refound these boards last fall. To me exclusivity implies boyfriend/girlfriend, and has always been treated as such in every relationship I've been in. Once we were exclusive and had the big commitment talk, we were boyfriend/girlfriend. Unless it's just with reference to sex, I don't see why anyone would want to be exclusive without being boyfriend/girlfriend. It seems like the a weird limbo situation to be in if you want a relationship -- you are exclusive so you can't date anyone else, but you are not in a relationship. But to the OP's question -- my experience has been first kiss on dates 1-2, sex on date 5-7, exclusivity/boyfriend/girlfriend usually at around the 1-2 month mark, ILU around the 2-3 month mark. 3
ThomasD Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 It seems strange to me that all the responses so far mention sex happening before "I love you" or "relationship". 2
ThomasD Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 1st girlfriend (about 6 months, starting last couple months of High School): - Hold hands around 2nd or 3rd date. - Kiss after 2 or 3 weeks, probably half a dozen dates - "I love you" around 6 - 8 weeks 2nd girlfriend (almost 40 years, starting after college graduation) - First date about 3 hours after first seeing each other - First kiss at end of first date. A REAL kiss. Very SERIOUS kiss. Between two people who met only 6 hours before. - "I love you" about 4 - 6 weeks after first meeting. - Never really talked about "exclusive", "going steady", or "boyfriend/girlfriend", but sort of accepted the labels as others applied them to us - Engaged a little over 3 months after first meeting - Kissed at the altar, and wedding-night virgins, one year plus two weeks after first meeting. - Still married (to each other!), kissing, and enjoying sex almost 40 years after first meeting. (OK, I fibbed a little. We wrote to each other, sight unseen, real letters on real paper, for over 3 months before we met in person. Increasingly serious letters. Great way for two quiet-and-shy people to get intimately acquainted. So the first kiss - with plenty of affection, desire, etc - happened between two people who were already very much "in like" with each other and seriously considering being "in love". Physical intimacy mostly started after engagement, and progressed in stages until we had done pretty much everything but intercourse when we married.) 1
LilGirlandOW Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I hadn't dated in 10yrs prior to my current 9mnth R, its a crazy dating world out there these days lol. Our 9mnths went as follows 3mnths in he called himself my boyfriend so thats when i knew we were bf/gf, cause we never "had the talk". 5mnths in he said i love you to me, 9mnths is where we are now, and its like a regular R, oh wait, except he's married, yeah be careful about that one cause A's suck! 2
Phantom888 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 It seems strange to me that all the responses so far mention sex happening before "I love you" or "relationship". I still don't understand how the heck one can have sex BEFORE "I love you" or "relationship". Am I so weird or old fashioned? I'm glad my lady agreed to be exclusive with me right before we had sex. I basically demanded it because there was no way I was gonna sleep with her and not be exclusive. I guess in a way I forced her to agree since we were half-naked and already completely hot for each other. I have always thought sex implied exclusivity. I'm fortunate that none of the women I dated in the past were sleeping with others while sleeping with me. They all acknowledged that they needed more time to be exclusive, and agreed they would not sleep with other men while they are sleeping with me. I just refuse to share my sexual partner with anyone....no matter what the status is. If they don't want to be exclusive, fine......just know that I reserve the right to say "good-bye" at any given moment. 2
pyramid Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I still don't understand how the heck one can have sex BEFORE "I love you" or "relationship". Well, to me, exclusive <> relationship <> "I love you". They are all different. If I'm sleeping with someone, I'm not sleeping with anyone else. That doesn't mean we are in a relationship (which implies commitment - meaning that you see a future together) and of course, love is its own whole ball of wax. 1
BluEyeL Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Well, depends on the age. I mean, yes, when I was young and had my first boyfriend, we waited 1 yr for sex, so I love you was said before sex. Never discussed things like exclusivity, labels etc. But in your 40s we know that real love, not infatuation, takes time to grow. When you are in your 40s, you don't wait 1year to have sex. You know you have a strong attraction, that you really really REAAAAALY like the other person and see yourself with them long term, think about them 24/7 maybe (I know I do), but not sure if that is really "LOVE". But young people think physical attraction, lust, infatuation is love so they say it earlier maybe.
Phantom888 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Honestly, I may be immature in this department, but I can only have sex with someone I am exclusive with, and see a possible future with. I have tried that casual sex dating for 6 months and it left me empty and sad. So far when I'm actually dating for real, I ask for exclusivity right before sex, and the women have all complied. Is it blackmail? I gress so since they have all been more adamant about sex at that moment than me. I would actually walk away if any of them refused exclusivity at time of sex. I don't give out free sex. 1
paigej91 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 One of my dating experiences differed quite drastically from the typical timeline- First kiss: date 5 (also made out on this date) Intense making out/fooling around: date 8-10 Sex/exclusivity: Between dates 11 and 15 We went on a LOT of dates. I am sure the first kiss happened on date 5, but from there I lost track of when each "stage" happened. Just thought I'd add another perspective
sillyanswer Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I feel like the guy I'm interested in and I have had an atypical experience already, but I want some "average" experiences to compare to. Whatever the average, the Standard Deviation will be so huge that knowing the average won't be particularly useful. So, do what you're comfortable with and don't do what you're not comfortable with and don't worry about whether you're conforming to the average or not. Dating is personal - it's about you (well, and your date). For me, in recent times, 'average' would seem to be kissing on the 2nd or 3rd date, sex on the 5th or 6th date, and if we still like each other by about 12 dates then we think about calling it a relationship. But sometimes things happen sooner or later than that (or not at all). I'm not proposing that I'm a role model, so do whatever you like! 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Whatever the average, the Standard Deviation will be so huge that knowing the average won't be particularly useful. So, do what you're comfortable with and don't do what you're not comfortable with and don't worry about whether you're conforming to the average or not. Dating is personal - it's about you (well, and your date). For me, in recent times, 'average' would seem to be kissing on the 2nd or 3rd date, sex on the 5th or 6th date, and if we still like each other by about 12 dates then we think about calling it a relationship. But sometimes things happen sooner or later than that (or not at all). I'm not proposing that I'm a role model, so do whatever you like! It's hot when you talk statistics 1
iris219 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I recently found out that bf and I disagree on when our first date was. He says the first time we hung out wasn't our first date. I would say our timeline is as follows, though he'd say things happened one date sooner: 1st kiss: 2nd date 1st sleepover (no sex): 4th date sex: 5th date (This is sooner than is typical for me, but I couldn't resist him!) exclusive: 1 month of dating I love you: 5 months (We both wanted to say it sooner. It was clear by this point that we loved each other. He said he knew after less than a month of dating.) With us, everything felt natural and there were never any of those does he like me/do I like him questions along the way. Nothing felt rushed; it felt how I imagine things feel when they are right.
Author atlg8r Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Thanks for all the input guys! I agree it has to be comfortable and agreeable to both people. I'm 34 and he's 28. He had been laid off from work for several weeks the first time we met, and so he offered to cook dinner for me so we could see each other without spending a lot of money. So, honestly, I don't know whether to consider that a real first date or not. I would assume so, but who knows? We've already kissed and cuddled some, but I think he and I are on the same page regarding sex...it won't happen for several months at least or without exclusivity. I'm old-fashioned also! I saw him last night and he casually slipped into conversation that he'd mentioned me to his mom and brother the night before...whoa! It seems like he's really interested, and I definitely think he's fabulous. So I guess I will just see where things go. I appreciate all the insights! Feel free to keep adding!
will1988 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 for me my relationships all started as FWB... generally that lasted from a few days to a month... but then both parties involved grew feelings and became exclusive and then tacked on the title after a few more weeks... and then dropped the L bomb by the 2nd month. Both parties... that is because when i choose to be I can be a very passionate and giving person. So girls fall head over heels for me rather quickly, and often times the feeling is mutual. However, looking back on most of that, I'd say it was more of an infatuation. Besides my fiance, the longest of my prior relationships was a year. My fiance and I have been together 4 years. You will know when you've moved from puppy love / infatuation to being really in love when you realize you cannot have that person out of your life, and when you learn to compromise, sacrifice and put up with BS that you generally would not put up with. 1
sillyanswer Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 sex: 5th date (This is sooner than is typical for me, but I couldn't resist him!) And this is why people shouldn't have hard and fast rules about dating timelines. 1
ThomasD Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 . . . I saw him last night and he casually slipped into conversation that he'd mentioned me to his mom and brother the night before...whoa! It seems like he's really interested . . . So why shouldn't he mention you, and what makes it really significant? I think my kids' romantic interests were regularly mentioned in casual conversation and almost never received more than passing mention. I guess this is another cultural shift where my superannuated condition seems to show: "Meet the Parents". From conversations I overhear between 20-somethings, the initial contacts between them and their B/F or G/F parents is a matter of huge anxiety, almost requiring extensive rounds of therapy to prepare for, and recover from. OK, my first G/F happened in the last couple months of High School so maybe it's not quite the same thing. We had known each other as distant acquaintances at school. I don't recall if I formally met her parents when I showed up for our first date, or a few days before when I walked home from school with her. I introduced her to my folks a few days later, at a community event. My mother invited her to dinner that day, and that was all there was to it. No anxiety; no trauma. My second G/F started the summer after I graduated from college. I think she met my folks briefly the same day I first saw her - stopping by the house on our way out to our first date. I met her parents two days later, spent the evening with her family and spent the night as their houseguest before taking her to catch a flight at an airport about 100 miles away. In fact, for the first few months almost all of our dating included being guests of each other's families. I actually think that contributed to our going from first meeting to man-and-wife (coming up on 39 years married) in one year plus two weeks. Seeing each other with our families gave us valuable insight into each other. The evaluations were bidirectional: other family members observed us individually and as a couple and offered their insight as well. So if you think this has long-term potential, I'd suggest working to get exposure to both sets of parents.
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