Louanne Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I shall try to tell the short version of my story. I recently had an affair with a mm. I am also married. Yes it wa san emotional and a physical affair. My husband found out. I am trying to reconcile with my husband and after a few failed attempts at ending things with MM, I am now NC and giving everything that I can to my marriage. The thing is, my husband has said he loves me but isn't in love with me and is perfectly happy to continue as friends but wants nothing else. This is killing me. I am deeply sorry for what I did and am dying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep trying to be positive and plan for a brighter future but my husband either ignores my attempts or says he wants no part of it. He insists he cares about me and is happy to continue living as friends. Please help me ...
underwater2010 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 You need to give him some time and just keep saying ILY without expecting anything in return. You broke him!!! And only time and your hard work with fix him. Welcome to reconciliation....it is hard work. You will have to look closely at yourself and figure out what made an affair an option. Not why you had it, but why you felt entitled to engage in one. Because that it is what it is....selfish entitlement. Instead of investing your time and energy into fixing or leaving your marriage you chose to screw someone else. It is devastating to find out the person you trusted and loved could walk down that path without considering the one person the vowed to love for better or WORSE. 2
Spark1111 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Well Louanne, I think you both need to get to counseling, both IC and MC. Who wants to live like roommates forever? Right now, your H has absolutely no trust in you. After an affair, a BS SOOOO wants to believe their WS that the affair is over. When you continue having contact with your AP, you just compound the lies AND the loss of trust. You need to tell your husband that you love him, you are sorry you hurt him, that you are willing to do everything to repair the marriage, but cannot continue as roommates for life. That's not a marriage. So you could suggest IC and MC for one year. Would he wish to separate for that time? Because it is becoming too hurtful to have all your needs for intimacy rejected. Look, I would hate to see you wind up in a scenario where he REALLY doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you either, KWIM? And years down the road, he has his own affair or divorces you anyway now that OM is completely out of the picture. HE needs to re-commit to the marriage to, in every sense of the word. Get to counseling and lay down some guidelines for healing. If he refuses all of your suggestions, shake hands and say goodbye because he will never truly forgive you to make you his wife again. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I shall try to tell the short version of my story. I recently had an affair with a mm. I am also married. Yes it wa san emotional and a physical affair. My husband found out. I am trying to reconcile with my husband and after a few failed attempts at ending things with MM, I am now NC and giving everything that I can to my marriage. The thing is, my husband has said he loves me but isn't in love with me and is perfectly happy to continue as friends but wants nothing else. This is killing me. I am deeply sorry for what I did and am dying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep trying to be positive and plan for a brighter future but my husband either ignores my attempts or says he wants no part of it. He insists he cares about me and is happy to continue living as friends. Please help me ... When he told you he was no longer in love with you, did he say when he first came to realize he felt that way? I'm just trying to have a clearer understanding of things. When he found out about the affair, how did he take it? 1
dichotomy Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) Kind of understand what he is getting at here, particualry if you have kids. Is he saying he wants an open marriage or something like that? or celebacy between you both - but go eleswhere for this? Edited June 27, 2013 by dichotomy
Author Louanne Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 we don't have children. When he found out about the affair he became very withdrawn/isolated and possibly in denial. Sometimes angry but trying to gloss over the surface. We tried MC for 5 weeks but it really wasn't working as it only brought upsetting things to the surface. I am eager for somethibg positive to cling on to and to try to move forward.
MissBee Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I shall try to tell the short version of my story. I recently had an affair with a mm. I am also married. Yes it wa san emotional and a physical affair. My husband found out. I am trying to reconcile with my husband and after a few failed attempts at ending things with MM, I am now NC and giving everything that I can to my marriage. The thing is, my husband has said he loves me but isn't in love with me and is perfectly happy to continue as friends but wants nothing else. This is killing me. I am deeply sorry for what I did and am dying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep trying to be positive and plan for a brighter future but my husband either ignores my attempts or says he wants no part of it. He insists he cares about me and is happy to continue living as friends. Please help me ... Hey Louanne, Did your husband say he wasn't inlove with you anymore BEFORE your affair? Why do you think you had an affair? Was your affair partner married too? The truth is, two people have to want a reconciliation. If two people don't want it and aren't willing to give 150%, then it can't work. Unfortunately, you can't make your husband want to reconcile. Do you think it is mostly because he can't forgive you for the affair or do you think he genuinely, from before, doesn't want to be married and romantic with you anymore? 1
GorillaTheater Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Some questions: 1) You've recently said things like how you didn't know true love until you met your AP, how the AP and not your husband was your best friend, etc. So why is it that you want to make this work? 2) How long has your H known of the affiar, and how long have you been NC? 3) How long did the affair last?
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 So his lack of love followed finding out about the affair, then? It's probably going to take more than 5 weeks in MC for things to get better between you, but if he's not committed to reconciling as much as you are-or at all-it may not work out. Try to sit down and talk with him, and find out exactly what he wants, in detail. I don't think any progress can be made one way or another, until what he wants to happen is made clear. 1
drifter777 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 If you don't have children then I don't understand why you two are staying together. Divorce and start your life over. With any luck you will find the right guy and have a real marriage. This thing you have now is a roommate thing and you are way too young to live like that.
janedoe67 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I have a few questions (I am also a woman who cheated) How long has it been since the most recent NC? How long ago did your husband find out the affair? How many times have you broken No Contact? Are you still in a position where the OM is in close proximity (job, school, etc)?
Bryanp Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 How did your husband found out? How long was your affair? Have you and your husband been tested for STD's? How would you be acting if the roles were reversed? Your husband is in shock. He clearly does not want to risk opening up to you and getting hurt again by you. Do you blame him? You have humiliated and disrespected him in the worst possible way as a spouse and as a man. What did you expect to happen when you engaged in a sexual affair?
Artie Lang Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 it's obvious your husband is withdrawing and has started to detach from you. i seriously don't see why you are trying to salvage this marriage when he has made clear he has no love for you..... romantic love, that is. you have no children. i say you cut your losses and move on. let this be a lesson for you- DON'T CHEAT!!!
ForeverHopeful1 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Are you sure he isn't having his own affair(s)? You're kidding, right?
Owl Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 OP, you posted just yesterday that MM sent you a letter saying that you should wait for him and he still loves you. You're NOT in NC with him. Did you share that letter from OM with your H? Ask your H for guidance on the best way to handle this in order to save your marriage? Tell OM not to contact you again, as you've chosen to work on your marriage and there's no future for the two of you? Just last week you were talking about your love for OM...just yesterday talking about how hard it is to end it...and yet you're upset that your H hasn't instantly turned around and agreed to work on the marriage with you? Why should he trust you? What have you done to rebuild, re-earn that trust? What have you done to demonstrate to your H that you truly want your marriage with him and have ended the affair completely and totally? 1
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