Higher divorce rate for second marriages?

[Leegh]

I'm puzzled as to why second marriages have a higher divorce rate. I would think people being older and hopefully more mature; entering into a second marriage, would pick more appropriate partners, and would be more financially stable. In addition, since they've been through one divorce, they know it can be unpleasant going through a divorce, especially with kids. Any thoughts?

[GuyInLimbo]

The problem is most people don't take the time to figure out what THEY contributed to a failed marriage. They often jump right into another serious relationship out of fear/loneliness/whatever without properly healing their hearts and minds, without real personal reflection and/or it's because that's all they know. How many divorcees take a year or two off from dating? Spend time with a therapist? Address their own shortcomings? The ones who don't are bound to repeat history. I see people all the time, married less than two years after being divorced. And most of them, I know, didn't do squat to fix themselves.

 

It's always the other person's fault. I have news for them.

[Woggle]

Some people don't learn a damn thing. I did though which is why my marriage is six years strong while my first one lasted a little over a year.

[carhill]

A marriage counselor/research scientist might be a better source of opinion, but mine is, having been married to a twice-divorced lady and now a divorce statistic myself, is that practice makes perfect. The one lesson from my own divorce is that I now understand much more clearly why it was so easy for her to 'move on'; she simply had no fear of the process. It wasn't working out so move on. Been there, done that, know the dance steps.

 

That's my anecdote.

[M30USA]

A marriage counselor/research scientist might be a better source of opinion, but mine is, having been married to a twice-divorced lady and now a divorce statistic myself, is that practice makes perfect. The one lesson from my own divorce is that I now understand much more clearly why it was so easy for her to 'move on'; she simply had no fear of the process. It wasn't working out so move on. Been there, done that, know the dance steps.

 

That's my anecdote.

 

Exactky. From a legal standpoint, women have no fear of divorce. They can just decide they want out, without any legitimate reason, and trust that the chips will fall in their favor--which they do. A woman has to literally be a severe criminal or actively abandon her family in order to not have a good divorce ruling.

[2.50 a gallon]

Personally I am very leary of government divorce stats. I know for a fact, that the divorce rate in my state is projected as the norm of 50%, is in fact far above that closer to 75 and 80%.

 

It has been my experience, friends, relatives etc, that second marriages seems to last longer and those I would put at 50% or less.

 

And the other contrary stat is that in almost every case where the affair partners married, almost all of them are still together.

[worldgonewrong]

I've read that 2nd marriages by spouses who were the dumpers turn out to be usually more disastrous since their dumping involved cheating.

By contrast, the dumpees tend to have better 2nd marriages because they usually were committed to marriage in the first place.

[tbf]

I've read that 2nd marriages by spouses who were the dumpers turn out to be usually more disastrous since their dumping involved cheating.

By contrast, the dumpees tend to have better 2nd marriages because they usually were committed to marriage in the first place.

Actually, in marriages with infidelity, it's usually the non-cheating spouse who initiates the divorce.

[Steen719]

Exactky. From a legal standpoint, women have no fear of divorce. They can just decide they want out, without any legitimate reason, and trust that the chips will fall in their favor--which they do. A woman has to literally be a severe criminal or actively abandon her family in order to not have a good divorce ruling.

 

Well, I wish someone had figured that out before I got divorced, because as a woman, I certainly got the short end of the stick and the ungrateful bast*rd got the better end.

Generalizations lead to misunderstandings, generally speaking.

[pink_sugar]

Good question. I have heard about this as well. The only reason I can think of is that once you divorce the first time, you may have the mindset that if things were not to work out, you could just get divorced again. I think for the first time when marriage is new to you, divorce may seem a bit more scary and you may be more likely to try and work on your issues.

[rolo99]

I wish I knew. I'm my husband's 2nd divorce. This was my first marriage. I thought that by waiting until I was 30, I had sewn my oats and knew what it took to get and stay married. We did start dating during his divorce (which he claims was mutual), so now, 13 years later, I can say that probably wasn't the best idea.

 

My biased guess for him is that he's an only child, momma's boy who wants a woman to take care of him. When I got a life of my own, he was threatened. Just guessing.

[M30USA]

I wish I knew. I'm my husband's 2nd divorce. This was my first marriage. I thought that by waiting until I was 30, I had sewn my oats and knew what it took to get and stay married. We did start dating during his divorce (which he claims was mutual), so now, 13 years later, I can say that probably wasn't the best idea.

 

My biased guess for him is that he's an only child, momma's boy who wants a woman to take care of him. When I got a life of my own, he was threatened. Just guessing.

 

Children who were spoiled by their parents and "taken care of" make the worst spouses.

[karnak]

Children who were spoiled by their parents and "taken care of" make the worst spouses.

 

Not really. I know some guys and girls who were "mommy/daddy's little prince/ss" and they turned out to be quite the responsible and dedicated spouses.

 

I guess it all boils down to the core personality traits.

 

Selfish people = certain divorce.

[2.50 a gallon]

After my disaster of a marriage, I looked into what it what cost to officially D. Ridiculous! We had no kids and no property and I knew then that I would never remarry, so I just walked away. She finally forked over the bucks a few years later when she tried her second marriage.

 

Many years go by and cupid caught me again, I told her that though I did love her, I did not want to remarry and was surprised to find out she felt the same.

 

If it ain't broke don't fix it. And it ain't broke.

 

We both realize that either party can walk away at any time for any reason. And that seems to be the glue that makes this work, as we are constantly working on our relationship and neither of us take the other for granted.

 

We are now coming up on 18 years together, and the union is even stronger.

[Gunny376]

There are way, way, way too many variables of any particular individual and their given situation to factor into any patented equation that fits each and all given situation.

 

But in and as a general rule? People have the propensity to rush from the unknown to the none and what is comfortable for them ~ their comfort zone as you were.

 

I've known and have been acquainted with Mrs Gunny for on or about nine year now. When I first meet her, it was through a Marine website, for Marines and those associated with such. She was married at the time, and I was just another Jar-head among many. We started PM'ing each other about this, that and the other. She told me of her trouble marriage.

 

I, being single at the time told her that I would never date nor get with someone that hadn't been divorced for a two solid years after the ink was dried on the divorce papers. Period, end of discussion, have a nice day! Just a rule of mine.

 

Per my personal experience it takes that long just to get your head out of your azz, get your head and azz wired backed together, and back on your shoulder straight and proper. Hell, it takes a good solid six or seven months just to crawl out from under the freaking bus you've just got thrown under. Perhaps even longer if you were the one (man or woman) that got azz raped in divorce court.

 

And yea it takes sometime to pull back and re-group after having your azz handed to you mentally, emotionally, psychologically served up on a plate. With the XHEX handing it to you as he/she walks out the court house door?

 

Women have pretty much screwed the pooch when it comes to marriage these days IMHO? They've gotten 'politicized" with the Women's Lib movement, the extreme of that movement have pretty much taken over via the "FemiNazi's" and men more and more have just retreated back into their caves, and told them to all go and screw themselves leaving all the women ranting and raving about their aren't any good men ~ that they're all either already married or gay?

 

 

Once a man has been married at least once, and has already had children? He hasn't anything to gain from getting married. BUT he has everything to lose.

 

Yea I got married again to Mrs. Gunny ~ and I married her because of what she's got between her ears, and in her heart. If she was any woman other than the Good Lord made her and her parent's raised her? I wouldn't have her. I don't give a damn if she was a HBX10 to the nth power, Playmate of the freak in' millenium!

 

I married her because she "takes care of me" ~ not like you think. I know how to cook, clean a toilet, the bathroom, iron, wash clothes, and all those "Suzie-Homemaker" chores.

 

She's my base, my sounding board, my partner. I don't care what she does with her money, where she spends it, what she spends it on, (mostly for our home, for the children and the GK's. And I don't mind giving her free rein over the money leftover from what I earn after the bills are paid each month. She comes and goes as she wants, when she wants, for as long as she wants.

 

I'll support her in and with anything crazy-azz thing within reason she wants to do? I could care less. All I ask is that she be my partner in life! To walk through this life with me, to not walk out on me, to leave me, to validate and justify my investment of not only time and effort, but ...................... my heart in her.

[worldgonewrong]

Actually, in marriages with infidelity, it's usually the non-cheating spouse who initiates the divorce.

 

This potentially enters into a semantic debate of what it means to be more committed to the marriage.

 

If spouse X cheats and spouse Y files for divorce, spouse X has already checked out of the marriage first. I don't think filing necessarily means the non-cheating spouse has less commitment to the marriage; it means they've recognized that the marriage has already been torched to the ground.

[hayewils]

Gunny, Always like reading your posts.

Your quality!

 

I believe I came up on my stbx yesterday driving a brand new Cadillac.

She sold her last car to get out from under my name on the title.

made me sick to see cause when I came up on the car on the highway, she was pushed all the way back in the seat with this crazy look on her face.

What I know is right now, I have no interest at all in dating or getting married again. if she can just walk out and leave me like that, so can someone else and I am not gonna even try anymore.

People today just don't care about what a marriage is supposed to mean, they don't care to put in any effort. Its much easier to get up, pack up, and walk out when better has come to worse.

They would rather say, "WORSE"! Oh hell no, im out, you deal with it..

I also think that she would rather be back to where she was when I met her. Single with her son.. Hes a mammas baby, still lays in her lap and he is 15..Talk about someone who isn't going to be a good spouse. He sits in the chair and stares at his mother till she feeds him something.

Then leaves the dirty dishes right where they are.. someone elses problem now..

[imtooconfused]

How about the simple fact that if you believe that a marriage "is forever" you will do everything in your power to keep the first marriage together. There will be no divorce and there will be no remarriage. This skews the first marriage stability statistic in favor of no divorce.

 

Now if you have been through your first divorce, you realize that marriage "forever" is not the be-all-end-all that everyone says that it is. In fact, although divorce is still costly financially and emotionally, someone who has been through it once will not be as fearful of it the second time around. This skews the second marriage stability statistic in favor of divorce.

 

Bungee jumping off a bridge is not all that common, but statistics show that someone who has bungee jumped off a bridge on time is much more likely to do it a second time.

[GettnOffTheFence]

I've always thought it was simple statistics that drives the whole '2nd marriages more likely to end in divorce' meme.

 

Remember, statistics are just numbers which are quite often manipulated to suit someone's agenda.

 

Look at it this way, take the entire of pool of people getting married for the first time; within this pool of people there will the narcissitic, immature, and selfish types who will jump to divorce in a heartbeat. There are however, plenty of people who will remain married 'til death do them part', right?

 

Now take the pool of 2nd marriage people. By sheer numbers alone, the narcissitic folks will make up a larger percentage of this group than they will of the 1st marriage pool simply because by definition there have to be a smaller percentage of the 'til death do them part' couples.

 

Therefore, based on sheer numbers alone; you'd have to expect that on a percentage basis, there would be more divorces from this group.

 

Be careful drawing conclusions from statistics that seem to paint with such a broad brush.

[karnak]

Honestly I think some people have given most answers in these qustions. Yet I'd like to give my opinion, based in my experience and all I've seen.

 

People never change: some people, regardless of their failures will keep repeating their mistakes and act according to their whims and wishes, without any regards to healthy and sane living.

A selfish and immature person will always act in a selfish and immature way, regardless of the quantity of failed relationships they go through.

I know some divorced men and women who, regardless of their past mistakes and suffering, always go for the same type of women or men, even if it's not the suitable type for them. A sort of "relationship karma" where they inevitably get hurt.

 

People lose hope and patience: In this I can speak for myself. As I've grown older and more experienced I've started to lose my faith in humanity and in people. Don't take me wrong. I still believe there are quite some decent and honest folk out there. Yet, there are quite a lot of bad ones too.

I don't have the patience to indulge in relationships that I sense that are doomed at some point. I prefer to bail out, rather than suffer until an expected and inevitable end.

 

That's what happens when people who get married the second time around. They've suffered with their first experience. And they don't want to repeat the patterns they've faced once.

 

 

Immature people: Well... experience has shown me that most people rarely learns from their mistakes. Men and women engage in second marriages without having confronted their own failures and personal demons. "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it".

 

In the end I don't think that second marriages are more doomed to failure than first time ones. It's like a first marriage. When two decent and stable people get married it may last a lifetime. If there's an unbalance of sorts in one or both partners, then it's doomed for sure.

 

No need to be scared of marrying a second time, folks. You just need to be scared of marrying the wrong people.

[health]

The main reason I think there's a higher divorce rate in second marriages is people not healing properly. The golden rule is taking one year off before getting intimate with anyone, but people are impatient. They want the quick fix. Relationships don't work that way though.

 

So people start marriages with tonnes of baggage, they still have anger at the past and unresolved issues and it builds up.

[2.50 a gallon]

More of why I think the divorce stats are bogus

 

I am several years retired. I graduated from high school in the low 60's, I do not know of a single marriage from that time that lasted. Whenever I run across and old friend from HS or college they have all experienced divorce.

 

Almost every one of them have remarried and it is far less than half that the second marriage stuck.

 

Unless you are a fool you will learn. Yes there are some fools out there who never seem to learn, and it is always everybody elses fault. But the vast majority of my past friends, seemed to have learned from their failures and used this knowledge in their second marriages.

 

The smart one learn to change. In short they now can separate what is real from the bull chit.

[marqueemoon4]

For the record, the numbers get exponentially worse.. 3rd marriages have about a 20% success rate.