starlet86 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Ok, I am usually on the breaks and breaking up forum, but decided to come here to see if anyone could offer some advice that wasn't "Go NC" I have been in no contact with my ex for a few days now. He told me before I done this that there were things in his life at the moment that were causing him a lot of stress and he wanted to get then in place before trying to work on us and I agreed. He told me in a heated argument one night that he isn't over me, he does want to work on us but he needs to get this sorted otherwise there will be no point and the relationship will fall apart again. I want to try again and tomorrow he completes on a deal which has for the best part been the catalyst as to why our relationship ended and caused him so much stress. He has told me that after tomorrow everything will change, we will see each other, we will spend time together and that he can't stand it when we don't talk. What I am trying to ask is, does this sound like a guy who genuinely just needs to get his s*it sorted before he takes a leap at us again or someone who is keeping me on the back burner? I want to try again with him, baby steps style though, but I have never had someone ask me to let them sort their stuff out before working on "us". I usually just get dragged along for the ride and I am unsure if this guy is just going to flake on me after tomorrow.
LinkWorshiper Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Your story sort of resonates with what I'm dealing with right now. I'm not sure if anything I have to say will be helpful, but maybe my experience will give you things to think about in your own situation? My boyfriend and I broke up a while ago. He had a freak out during an argument and just dropped the whole thing. It was a surprise but not really a surprise because I could tell something had been bothering him for a really long time. Anyway, we didn't talk for a bit and then ended up coming back to things after I ran into him on the street one day and we talked. During our first serious conversation, he told me similar things: at the moment, he didn't want to work on "us" because it was more important for him to fix himself for the sake of his own life and not a relationship. So he offered friendship and baby steps, which I accepted, not only because I had a bunch of my own stuff to work on, but also because it seemed like a better plan to take our time and rebulid from the ground up so we didn't rush and mess up (a mistake we made about a year prior, when we broke up for about a month and then went back to it without ever really talking about what went wrong). Things seemed to be going pretty well. Our communication was pretty even as far as who initiated conversations and who was inviting whom out for hang out time. I thought we were getting better at having serious conversations and opening up about ourselves, really improving a lot of the little yet important things that seemed to have fallen through the cracks. It got to a point where he started flirting with me, a little bit at first, and then building up to a week of almost nonstop flirts, sexts, questions about what he had to do to improve himself, etc. etc. I could have sworn he was thinking of getting serious again. But then the next week, he turned on a dime and got very quiet. I insisted he tell me what was going on, because I could tell it wasn't just work, and it wasn't fair for him to be so warm one second and then flip around the next. He ended up telling me that he had met someone, though he wasn't sure if he wanted to pursue her, maybe they would end up friends, maybe the relationship wasn't really one he wanted after all since it might be a difficult one, so he wasn't even sure. But then he insisted I was so important to him and let's go to a baseball game this weekend, just like we always do in the summertime. I thought about it for a few days and then called him to tell him that if this was the case, I couldn't be around him until he figured out what he wanted to do, since the push/pull was tearing me apart emotionally. I freak out that he's going to Kanye shrug and just go after this girl, but I also knew I didn't want to be that backburner girl in case this new thing didn't work out (which it sounds like it won't). If it dawns on him that not having me around is something he really misses, then he should come to me, instead of me constantly riding his waves of confusion while he tumbleweeds around. Because obviously my presence was something he was taking for granted, and how could he appreciate what I add to his life if I was never gone? Which is probably why you hear a lot of people insist that NC is the way to go in these types of situations. My point to you is this, though: your guy is doing both. The thing I struggle with in my similar situation is that I see it and I think to myself, 'Oh man, my poor guy is so confused and I want to help him and be there for him while he works through his stuff.' But take the lesson from my story and know that you can't, and here's why: 1) if you are constantly there helping him, it's like he gets all the caring benefits of you as a girlfriend without actually having to date you, so you set yourself up to get used or emotionally battered, and 2) guys need tough love and only really tend to learn when they fall on their butts HARD. So jerk yourself away for a bit, do some reflecting and ****-sorting of your own, and let your man hobble around for a bit without you. If he genuinely does want to be with you, I believe that he will come back to you when he realizes that you offer him things he needs in a partner. When my guy and I broke up that first time, it wasn't until I put my foot down and stood up for myself in a similar fashion that he got a clue and cleaned up his act. Here's to hoping that happens again! I hope this helps you a little.
Ms.Logic Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 You're on the back burner. The point of being in a relationship is so you can go through life "together" He can and should work on these things with you by his side. It's that simple. If he doesn't want to love, move on. Find out if this is the kind of person who complements you in every way. Peace & Love.
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