InBits Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Hi, I'm just a mess at the moment, please bear with me, I hope I don't ramble. My hubby has literally just left me this week after a very long time together. He said to me several weeks ago that he loves me but not in love. Since then he has had a fling, I know this and did tell him I can forgive as I did this many year ago. However I couldn't get past being upset he can throw a long marriage away. I am now trying to give him space, he has moved out (this week) and so far he has been every day, twice a day. He says he does not want to break contact, but how can I move on? We talked about his feelings and basically, he isn't sure about anything, he has no plans, he needs to go sort his head out. He keeps saying that nothing is ever final....how do I cope with this? He has been a wonderful dad and husband until this, and I've been poorly which he has found hard to cope with, I know this, but I have pulled myself right back up and moving back to being the "old" me. What now? Patience? Hope he returns ? I just am confused.
jf2good Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 The I love you but not in love with you means he was cheating for a while. So the question is why? There are lots of reasons to cheat and keep it a secret and stay with your partner. So specifically what did he find lacking in your marriage that he wants to replace you? Sounds like he hasn't been happy for years since he cheated before. I bet nothing was done to resolve the root cause. Of course he could be a heartless turd but most heartless turd just cheat on the side and get all the benefits from marriage without any intention of ever leaving. Hope he returns isn't going to cut it. If the other woman dumps him do you want him back after all? What would keep him from doing this again? It is not too late for marriage counseling, well hopefully not. Ask if you can do that together if you haven't. Don't use marriage counseling as a blame game with a referee as games have only winners and losers, either you or your husband wins, not the marriage.
Author InBits Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Hi there, sorry I need to put something straight there, this is absolutely the first time he has ever cheated, I know this as fact. It's hard to explain how I know but I do. Also, he is NOT seeing her now, and has no intention of doing so! Sorry mine is a bit of a bizarre situation I think. He works away, for 3weeks then home for the same. Like I say I have been poorly, I think I have lacked in a lot of things, fun, enthusiasm for life etc. I have been a nightmare. I am not putting the blame on myself here though. I have categorically said if he goes there again, while he is trying to sort his head then we are over, simple as that. He is actually not a bad man as a rule, this is so out of character, it really is. This is why I am finding it hard. At the mo I am just trying to be me, get own with things, and let him have his space. As yet we have not had any space.
mandy6979 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I can totally relate to ur story. I was married for 23 years and my husband also worked away 4 on 4 off...he was such a good man and adored his family. He strayed while working away in 2011, I forgave him, we moved to a new house for a fresh start and he did exactly the same thing to me earlier this year with a different woman!! No more chances....once a cheat always a cheat!!!! It was so out of character for him too and he always hated cheaters in the past. 3 and a half months after our separation I now realise that it's the best thing he could have done coz its given me a new shot at life and I now have the opportunity to find someone who'll treat me how I deserve to be treated. I loved him so much, but in that short space of time my feelings have completely gone for him and I look at photos of him and feel absolutely nothing!!! Hope things work out ok for you, but if not, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck :-) 1
Author InBits Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Thanks Mandy. I have moved out now, it was killing me him coming round all the time, so because I cannot afford the house alone and he will not pay the mortgage if I cut contact then I had no choice, I am on day 3 of no contact now. I absolutely think he will regret this at so me point, but I am not waiting for it, I need to get on with things now. I think the worst thing for me at the moment is not having my kids around me, although they do come and see me and I have asked that they keep in constant contact. The fact he kept saying that nothing is ever final kept me hanging in there, but when I decided enough was enough he turned it on me and said I had made it final! Oh well....
Yasuandio Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 The fact he kept saying that nothing is ever final kept me hanging in there, but when I decided enough was enough he turned it on me and said I had made it final! Oh well.... Honey, this statement is to keep his cake and eat it too. You have done the correct thing. Wash your hands of it, and then watch him come running back to you. Imagine and visualize his performances with the other woman - whilst playing back in your mind that stupid meaningless, selfish excuse "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or whatever, and then go thru the nausea, purge yourself, vomit, cry, greive (in private), and then never go there again. For now, when you think of him -- think of him saying those words -- and the very distinct liklihood of hearing those words again in the future. Then think of vomit. This is how to you teach you mind to get sick of him. That is, if you want to. It is good to think of it for now - just for awhile - during the time you need to mourn him. And of course, this is going to be painful - but necessary. Later on, you can go thru a process to avoid thinking about him - with prepared thought replacements. You are not a mess - you are normal. You have complete control over your mind. Remember, you do not need him to live. You only desire and want him, like any normal wife would. Just stop wanting him and follow the procedure, adjusting as necessary. Yas 1
elfman Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 The fact he kept saying that nothing is ever final kept me hanging in there, but when I decided enough was enough he turned it on me and said I had made it final! Oh well.... In my opinion, our WS's often act without seeing the potentially disastrous end-result of their misdriven actions... I believe it is because, most times, they have the allure of a "possible better life" outside the marriage but the intelligent part of their brains at least WHISPERS that it is most likely all just a dream, and has a low chance of coming true. The problem with this is that the BS, i.e, we, are left with this "hanging" feeling motivated by irrational and contradictory actions and words on their part, but in the end, that is just their selfishness willing to accept that they hold NO RIGHT to make us wait until they figure out whatever the heck it is they want. Moving out may have been smart, but I do not see why YOU would move out, you have the right to tell him you do not want him coming along every other day, but you had the right to stay home. He's the WAS, so why walk yourself? Anyway, I hope you feel better soon, and I hope that he makes up his mind soon too... I am willing to bet you will find out a lot of stuff soon that will shed new light (or darkness) into why he is doing this.
Author InBits Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Thank you for your kind words. I honestly do think he thinks there is something better out there, and this woman has turned his head but it isn't what he wants. I do 100% believe he will regret his actions, but I am not hanging on. I had to move out because he would not pay the mortgage if I cut contact and I couldn't afford it on my own. I have now been able to cut all contact and this so far is helping me, seeing him was just making me feel the pain over and over. I really don't think he expected me to go, and I also think he thinks that I would have been round or at least in touch with him by now (I left on Sunday) but I haven't. He sent some of my old paperwork round with my son today and I think he expected a text or something. I thin he wants a reaction but he won't get one. I am tryin to keep positive and strong as best I can. I know this will get easier. 1
elfman Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Hang in there... you are doing the right thing. Being assertive as to your position will make him consider this an ultimatum, which it is, either become a good husband so I can become a better wife, or we're done. Do not react, play it cool, be patient, and keep your chin up. Take care. E.
Yasuandio Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Hang in there... you are doing the right thing. Being assertive as to your position will make him consider this an ultimatum, which it is, either become a good husband so I can become a better wife, or we're done. Do not react, play it cool, be patient, and keep your chin up. Take care. E. Actually, Elfman, kinda looks more like a "consequence" rather than an "ultimatum." You have done the correct thing. But you cannot discontinue the consequences anytime soon. Honey, make sure you stick to your guns. Don't back down. [i see this one coming from a mile away]. Even if he gets all nicey nice, and all tearie eye-ed (oh, boo-hoo, don't buy it for a second). The only reason this man will contact you will be to engage you in a convo for a self-serving purpose. What he has done is ghastly. And -- what is really sad, sweetheart, and, a reality - is, that people tend to repeat their behavior patterns over their lifetime. Would you like to come upon this situation again five or ten years from now? You might want to keep that in the back of your mind. Yas
Author InBits Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Thanks again for your words. I absolutely believe he doesn't know what he is doing, this is so far out of character. Anyway, I am sticking to my guns and not contacting him. I can imagine the tears etc coming, I really can, when it hits him just how much of a decent life we did have together. If I was a bad, nagging wife then I would understand his actions, but I'm not, I have been there looking after the house and kids while he works away, I dealt with everything in the house etc. I even sorted all his stuff, eg travel for work etc. obviously this isn't enough for him. I have to be honest and say at the moment I would still take him back, I have loved this man for 23 years, but i would not do it lightly and there would need to be certain things said and done before I would even consider it. I agree with you all that I have done the right thing, this is what is getting me through each day. 2
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