pugs390 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 So to give you guys a little background story into our relationship, I knew my ex all through my adolescent years and we were always very good friends and hung out in the same circles. When we were 18 years old, we started dating. He struggled with addiction problems in the beginning and I had told him I could not date someone who was involved in drugs and encouraged him to get the help he needed. He went to an in-patient treatment center and I supported him through it, and in the weeks following his release, I continued to help him through his recovery process. As time went on, we began dating. Everything was great and I had never been happier in my life. A year into our relationship, he decided to join the Marines. I was nervous about being in a long-distance relationship, especially because we spent every second together up until he left for boot camp, but I ultimately decided that I loved him too much to let a long distance situation break up our relationship. So, I stayed in the relationship and patiently waited and supported him throughout his time in the Marines. He was stationed in California and I was living, working, and going to school in our home state of Massachusetts, so it was not easy to maintain a relationship, but I put thousands and thousands of dollars into visiting him as much as I could to keep our love alive. He was also deployed twice to Afghanistan, both times for 7 months, which was also hard because we could rarely even speak. There were definitely bumps in our relationship, there were times he would come home on leave and act distant or choose partying with friends over spending time with me, and it hurt me alot. However, I made excuse after excuse for him because of his deployments and the stress he had in his life. Plus, like clockwork, every time he came home and acted that way, he would apologize and beg for forgiveness and I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Well, fast forwarding a little bit, this year was his last year in the Marines, and he was to be released in March of 2013. We had been dating for 5 years. He had expressed wishes of wanting to stay and live out in California once he got out, so I was looking into transferring schools and applying to jobs out there. I was so happy for him to finally have some freedom in his life, that I basically was willing to relocate to wherever as long as he was doing what he wanted to do and loved. It was hard to tell my friends and family that I most likely would be moving to California, and if I expressed any concern to my ex about it, he would get all frustrated and withdraw from me for days. So, I felt like I wasn't really getting the support that I needed from him. Around the same time, I received news that I had to get a biopsy of some of my breast tissue done. I was very, very scared so I didn't really tell anyone after I first found out, besides my ex. His reaction was somewhat cold: when I expressed that I was nervous, he simply replied "Haven't you had one before?" I was a little disappointed by his reaction because I had indeed gotten a biopsy before, but it doesn't make it any less scary for the next time you get one. But anyways, I brushed that off and just hoped for the best. Unfortunately, my biopsy results were atypical, precancerous, and to take the safe measure, I had a very small lumpectomy procedure scheduled. When I told him about this, he seemed a little more supportive this time, asking a lot of questions as though he was concerned. It made me feel a little more loved to know that he may be worried about my unfortunate results. However, a few days later, I realized I must have misinterpreted his skepticism as concern, because on Christmas night he called me extremely intoxicated and starting accusing me of making the entire thing up. He was yelling over me and asking the same question over and over again: "Do you have cancer or not?!?" and I was trying to explain that the tissue was precancerous and that is not a good thing so we were removing the area and hoping that no other areas of my breast came back positive for cancerous cells, but he kept yelling the same thing "Do you have cancer or not?!?". I felt stupid and I felt betrayed by him and I could not even believe that I was explaining myself in this situation to him. He said that he was with his friend and his friend's wife and the wife had said that she has had plenty of biopsies and it doesn't mean anything. I explained that it was great for her that her biopsies went well, but my results were not good so that is why it was a more serious issue. I was so humiliated that he had even shared my medical concerns with two people I had never met, and now they were all discussing it together and calling my bluff. It was awful. I finally hung up the phone and he texted me "Not even trying to sound mean but I just don't love you anymore." I couldn't believe he was saying all these things to me at all, nevermind on Christmas night. I just tried my best to go to sleep. About 3 days later, he texted me apologizing and saying that he didn't mean it when he said he didn't love me and that he hopes my procedure goes well and saying that he wanted to keep me in his life. Like an idiot, I accepted his apology and we moved on from it. About 2 months later (a month before he was going to be getting out of the Marines), I was hanging out with a bunch of mutual friends and I heard one mention that he was going to be driving home from California to Massachusetts with Tom (my ex) when he got out of the Marines. I thought it was odd that he had not mentioned this to me, so I asked Tom about it. He immediately went on the defensive and denied that this friend had ever said that and accused me of being a crazy girlfriend and making it all up. However, 2 weeks later he admitted that the friend was indeed going out to visit. From this point on, things progressively got worse. I noticed him being very flirtatious with a bunch of random girls on his Instagram account. It was very humiliating to me, as he was doing it for everyone to see and he had a very serious girlfriend of 5 years. When I confronted him about it, he did not answer and I didn't hear from him for 2 whole weeks. Randomly one day he texted me and said "I got out of the Marines today, thanks for being there for me through tough times". And of course, me being the pathetic girlfriend that glorified every little positive thing he did, I responded saying how happy I was and proud of him I was. However, a few days later I found out extremely devastating news. One of my girlfriends was in a bar and overheard Tom's ex girlfriend talking about him and her got into a contract marriage. She told me this and I was in utter shock. The girl was his ex-girlfriend, from our hometown, who we went to school with for years, and she was openly talking about being married to my boyfriend in front of a bunch of people in a bar. I confronted Tom about it, and once again he put on the defensive. He admitted to getting married to his ex 2 YEARS INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP, while home on leave, behind my back. THe two of them snuck off and went to the courthouse and then he left to Afghanistan, and the entire time I sat at home waiting for him to return, he was sending this other girl checks in the mail every month and she was using his insurance. He kept telling me it wasn't a big deal and to get over it because no feelings were involved, but I don't care what the reason was for doing it, they went behind my back and I was lied to for 2 entire years while I stuck by his side and supported him all along. Once he got angry by me explaining that it WAS a big deal, he also admitted to cheating on me with a bunch of his coworkers, whom he had always assured me were just good friends. I was so disgusted because I had trusted him so much and gave him so much freedom and never suspected any of this. I was obviously very upset by the news, it felt like my whole world shattered around me. The man that I had dreamed of marrying for 5 whole years, had waited for 4 years of long distance, had supported him through addictions and military life, who I trusted with my all and was willing to move across the country and uproot my life for, had betrayed me in so many different ways. I was yelling and crying on the phone with him and he just hung up. Shortly after, I got an extremely verbally abusive text message from him placing all the blame on me for the demise of our relationship. He never once apologized or showed any remorse. The next day he began his trip across country, and he never said another word to me. He went to raves and stopped at all these crazy spring break places along the way and was posting comments about all the beautiful girls he was seeing and how much fun he was having. It was heartbreaking for me, because I suddenly felt like my boyfriend, who was also my best friend, was just a complete stranger. He showed no care at all towards how I was doing. The second I questioned him, he had just taken off. Somewhere along his trip, he accidentally text messaged me a picture of one of his friends posing with 2 girls at a club. This friend of his had a girlfriend back home, and Tom must have been scared that I would show her (which I would never get involved in) but he texted me this long threatening text message in which he told me that if I ever showed anyone that picture to get back at him, he would take the intimate pictures I had sent him while he was deployed in Afghanistan and post them on every single social media website there is--instagram, facebook, google, youtube. It was such an aggressively mean text message that I was in shock. This man had cheated on me, married someone behind my back, and emotionally damaged me by never even apologizing or explaining himself to me, and then the next time I hear from him it is something like that...it just absolutely killed me. I was besides myself and couldn't even leave my room for days. When he finally did get back to our hometown, I still did not hear from him. It has now been months that he has been home and he parties and goes out and socializes with everyone as if he has no shame at all. He still has not apologized to me about anything. I have heard that he says the reason we broke up is because I texted him too much during his cross country trip home...when in reality, we weren't even regularly talking during that except for his threatening message that he sent me (HA!). So, it is very frustrating to see someone who has done so many horrible things to me getting along just fine in life and having everything work out for him. He seems very happy and he has actually maintained a friendship with the ex girlfriend whom he married, and they both look at me as being the enemy even though they are the 2 people who hurt me. I am very confused by the whole situation, and he never gave me any closure because we were never able to have an adult conversation like I had wished. He was too defensive to talk on the phone and would only text message hurtful things. So basically, he just left me without an explanation or anything. All of this has left me in a deep depression. It is hard enough to cope with the realization that he cheated on me in so many drastic ways, and then it is even harder to cope with him being back in town and in the same social circle as me, acting as though I never even existed. It has caused me to lose my self confidence, question my own worth (why would he do this to me?), feel not good enough for him, and I'm just plain sad that what I thought was a 5 year long serious relationship, was all based on lies. I had waited so many lonely nights for 4 years of his military lifestyle, and he took advantage of my trust and my love. I was by no means perfect but I always loved and supported him, and the few times I needed his support in return, he ran away. All of this has made me feel very disposeable to him. The worst part is, I still love him very much, as much as I have every reason to hate him for what he's done to me. We live in a very small town and I am nowhere ready to be able to handle seeing him with another girl. I am so scared of how that will make me feel, and I know it is inevitable. I find myself becoming so sad about what happened and then becoming so angry at him, and then so angry at the universe by allowing him to be so unaffected by this break up while I struggle so harshly with it. I'm just not sure how to get through this. I have never felt this low in my life, and I never ever expected him to even be capable of hurting me in this way. A few months ago I thought I was going to be living in California with the man of my dreams, and now I am stuck in this mess. On top of everything, he acts angry and hateful towards me, as though I was the one who hurt him. It all makes no sense at all. I am so confused and so unbelievably heartbroken and devastated. I am sorry for the length of this, but I just would like to hear some thoughts or ideas, or even related experiences if any of you have some. THanks! Again, sorry for the length! It was quite the crazy situation...
eddyctv Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Wow, that guy is a LOSER! You are SOOOO better off without him! It may not feel good now, but it will when you finally find a REAL man. Wow. 1
athousandquestions Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I am so, so sorry you are going through this. You need to delete him and go NC as soon as possible. I know you are going through a lot of pain but you need to realize some things: You were a good girlfriend. He cheated on you, he treated you poorly, and these were his decisions. He made these decisions not you. They had nothing to do with you. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed this. You did your very best and it is time to let go. It's really hard to accept this and detach but you need to come to the conclusion that you CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU. You cannot change the way he views you, you cannot change what he did or how he treated you, you cannot control his actions. The only thing you can control and can change is how YOU act from this point onward. A few months ago I thought I was going to be living in California with the man of my dreams, and now I am stuck in this mess. Now imagine if you had moved to California with him, and then found this out? You would be across the country with a lying, manipulative and cheating CRAZY exboyfriend. On top of everything, he acts angry and hateful towards me, as though I was the one who hurt him. It all makes no sense at all. I am so confused and so unbelievably heartbroken and devastated. I know you really think you need 'closure'. You may be tempted to speak to him in order to get closure. I am telling you, and others will as well, there is no such thing as closure. You give yourself closure by accepting that your relationship is over and that you have lost him. Nothing he can say or do will give you closure, it will simply hurt you more, leave you with more questions, and put you at a loss. You will get closure by cutting off all contact with him, and by moving on with your life. That might sound really, really hard and some days it will be, but you can do this if you commit to making a positive change in your life. This is the one thing in this situation that you can control. This is what I would do: Firstly: - Throw out everything that reminds you of him. Box and give to a mutual friend all things he would want back (clothes, books, etc) and have the friend return them. Do not include a note. If you have things you wish to have returned, give the mutual friend a list of things you want back. Do not contact your ex. - Delete your ex and his wife or whatever the hell she is from Facebook, your phone, and any other means of contact you have (instagram, twitter, tumblr, so forth). You will no longer lurk him or her on Facebook or any other social network. It will be hard and you will want to. But each time you do, repeat to yourself that WHAT YOU SEE WILL HURT YOU. You go searching for closure or to fill the void you feel by not having contact with him, but this will only hurt you. You will not see anything you want to see. Accept this, do not lurk him. You need to go FULL NC. - You need to write down a list, handwritten, of all of the mean, awful things he has done to you. Cry into this list. Pour your heart out. And then put it in a drawer. Every TIME you miss him you go and read that damn list. You remember that if you reach out to contact him or reply to him, you are reaching out to a manipulative, cheating AWFUL HUMAN BEING WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. You seem to be a self-respecting, kind woman. Why would you want to contact someone who is so, so cruel? - When you think of him, which you will, avoid snowballing. There are times you are going to think of him that will be very strong. (When you're falling asleep, for example) and that's okay. Let the thoughts come, and THEN LET THEM GO. Do not cling to them. If you remember the time you guys slept in a hotel and the sheets smelled good, remember that, and then move on. Don't then think about the other hotel you visited and how his car broke down and you had to spend 3 nights in a bad motel and you ate Ramen and played board games until 4 am (for example). Just have the thought, and move on. Write a list of all of your favorite activities, some of which you may have lost/forgotten about since your relationship. Did you once love to play guitar, or read, or paint? What are some things you've always wanted to try? You are going to FULLY immerse yourself in these things now. Every day you need to wake up and make yourself get up. Every day you're going to make a nice breakfast and (weather permitting) sit outside, and plan your day. Think of what you can do today to make yourself happy. Go to the gym (5-6x per week). The gym is gonna be your saving grace!! You need to go and live your life and be with your friends. And it's gonna hurt and suck at first but it will get better, if you try. This is the most important part: you need to actively try and get over him! You need to rediscover your life and remember that it is beautiful to be living. Try to find ways to do this, and do a small thing every day! Good luck and there will always be people at LS to support you:love::love: 1
Author pugs390 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Thank you eddyctv & athousandquestions! It really helps to hear all of the things that you guys said, and you're both 100% right. I deleted all of my social media a month ago and recently I re-activated my instagram, but quickly realized that even with him blocked, I can still see pictures of him popping up on our mutual friends' pages, because we hang out with the same social circle. So, today I deleted my instagram again too. I haven't had contact with him since all of this happened, although he texted me a few weeks ago out of the blue saying that I was the reason for our break up and maybe if I hadn't put so much stress on him to answer questions about his secret marriage he would have worked it out with me...He said it as if he would have been doing me a favor! Ha. But then his text went on to say mean things and so I just replied: "please don't say anything else, thank you." And that is the last time we had spoken. It just hurts to know that I am the one who got screwed over in the situation, yet he genuinely doesn't think anything is wrong with all of the messed up things he did to me, even though its so obviously wrong! It just bugs me. I truly hope karma is real because it is so unfair that he is easily skating through life and getting away with all these horrible actions while I am struggling from all the heartbreak he caused. But like you guys said, I can't keep overanalyzing it and trying to figure it all out because there really is no answer to it. I need to try my best to move on and leave him in the past. I just hate that he has gotten into my head so much to make me feel like I wasn't good enough or something. I need to get my confidence back! But thanks again for your kind, supportive words. It is always good to hear someone's point of view who isn't involved in the situation.
eddyctv Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Thank you eddyctv & athousandquestions! It really helps to hear all of the things that you guys said, and you're both 100% right. I deleted all of my social media a month ago and recently I re-activated my instagram, but quickly realized that even with him blocked, I can still see pictures of him popping up on our mutual friends' pages, because we hang out with the same social circle. So, today I deleted my instagram again too. I haven't had contact with him since all of this happened, although he texted me a few weeks ago out of the blue saying that I was the reason for our break up and maybe if I hadn't put so much stress on him to answer questions about his secret marriage he would have worked it out with me...He said it as if he would have been doing me a favor! Ha. But then his text went on to say mean things and so I just replied: "please don't say anything else, thank you." And that is the last time we had spoken. It just hurts to know that I am the one who got screwed over in the situation, yet he genuinely doesn't think anything is wrong with all of the messed up things he did to me, even though its so obviously wrong! It just bugs me. I truly hope karma is real because it is so unfair that he is easily skating through life and getting away with all these horrible actions while I am struggling from all the heartbreak he caused. But like you guys said, I can't keep overanalyzing it and trying to figure it all out because there really is no answer to it. I need to try my best to move on and leave him in the past. I just hate that he has gotten into my head so much to make me feel like I wasn't good enough or something. I need to get my confidence back! But thanks again for your kind, supportive words. It is always good to hear someone's point of view who isn't involved in the situation. He sounds like an immature idiot that is destined for welfare.
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