UmbrellaBoy Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I've been involved with my (gay) boyfriend for 3 and a half years now, but we only officially had a relationship for the past two months. When we first met it was online, and just a long-distance friendship, but I fell in love right away. We clearly clicked and had a great connection; I visited him after three months and he initiated bare-chested cuddling with me, but then after that he started a relationship with another friend of his who was closer geographically. He really wasn't physically attracted to him and was always unsure of that relationship, but he agreed to it out of pity, and then got very attached by how the guy "needed" him and clung to him and it was safe and comfortable. I didn't give up, however, and just sort of kept wooing him with gifts and attention (and a fair amount of back-handed criticism about his choices in life) and it became an "emotional affair" between the two of us. He came to rely on me emotionally, and there was a lot of affection for my long-suffering patience to the point that when I went up and made my second in-person at the one-year mark of knowing each other, he again initiated bare-chested cuddling with me. It wasn't sex, of course, but I considered this cheating on his boyfriend and I cut the guy off. He came crawling back sobbing saying how confused and sad he was and how much he missed me, how he'd change things. But then he announced a month later he was moving in with the boyfriend! Cue two years of drama: I made a bold gamble and moved up to his city, a block away from their apartment, even though he and I weren't talking for two months at the time. He started seeing me again secretly and I got him to break-up with the boyfriend, but then he wouldn't kick the ex out (even when the ex became an alcoholic and started bringing other guys home to sleep with), and said he didn't want to seal the deal officially with me while he was still living with the ex. There was a lot of back and forth tension and fighting mixed with good times during this period, but never anything official. Finally a year ago they moved out because my guy went off to school and I moved back to my home city and my guy told me "Now I'll start mentally preparing myself for our relationship." But then, apparently, the ex pulled no-contact, my guy freaked out, he said we needed to end our involvement (but only after I managed to get him to agree to one last bittersweet and dramatic visit) and I was devastated. After 12-weeks of no contact he reappeared when I sent one tiny text the apparently burst some floodgates with him, and things were different for a few months, we were really closer than ever, totally sympatico, and he agreed to come visit me for once finally. The clear understanding (and he's admitted this in retrospect) was that when he came to visit, we'd finally become boyfriends, and he was happy about it. He did wind up coming, but in the weeks prior he seemed to get more distant. He came and we had fun and were physically affectionate, but when I brought the topic of our relationship up, he freaked-out, admitted he had slept with the ex again a few weeks before (though he insisted that was a slip-up and that it was a very rare occurrence since their breakup) and that now he wasn't sure with me. I managed to, basically, brow-beat him into agreeing to a relationship, to kissing me, etc, but he was clearly reluctant. I just had hoped that if I could get him "over the hump" and see that commitment to me wasn't so terrible, things would be okay, he'd be able to move on from his regrets with the ex, and we could all move forward. But they haven't been good. The past two months have been very tense; pleasant on the surface, but only because we both clearly were walking on eggshells and biding our time. Just a few days ago, more adamant than I've ever seen him (though, I suppose, similar to his "resolve" when he cut me off for 12 weeks this winter, which turned out to be a "strong face" he was putting on to accomplish dismissing me, but which really masked much more ambivalence and uncertainty), he insisted that he doesn't want this relationship, that in spite of our deep connection something essential (re: passion, infatuation, romantic feelings) is missing for him, and that he doesn't want to waste anymore time "trying" to make himself comfortable with this or arguing about it and that he wants to date other people. (Although, that's what he said when he cut me off for the 12 weeks this winter, and really it turned out that it wasn't about other people, but rather about the ex, and that his choices, mentally, during that time still came down to the ex or me). Anyway, that's the background. My question is this: he and I have never engaged in any strictly sexual activity. I always told him I wouldn't do that until I got the "boyfriends" commitment, and he never pushed for it either, he didn't want that outside a relationship either. And then once we did finally make things official this spring, there hasn't really been a chance to consummate things. He agreed near the end of our visit, and we were staying with friends where it would have been awkward to try it during those two days, and then it's been long-distance since then. I was hoping to finally do it on a trip to see him this summer. The closest we got was actually this winter, when I went to visit him one last time to "say goodbye" (him having insisted it was over, lol) when we were a little drunk we got naked together for the first time (initiated by him, really) and got sort of gropey and such, but no genital stimulation (and, indeed, not even any kissing until this spring after the relationship was made official). He also let me undress him when we were cuddling on the trip this spring, but like I said we were taking things slow and it didn't get any further than that again. He insists that he doesn't feel passion for me, is not all that physically attracted, etc. And yet, there has also clearly been this sexual tension that even he has admitted even in his denials. So I'm wondering: I may have gotten him to agree to one more chance to visit him before things really do officially end (though he's quite adamant they will). I've even gotten him to agree that during this trip we'll "pretend" we're super enthusiastically in-love, just to have a memory and see what it "would have been" like. I haven't said this to him explicitly, but for me this includes finally having sex with him just so that I am not plagued with curiosity and "what if" regrets forever if we really never do have a chance again. But is this a bad idea? I'm not having any expectations. At the same time, I do know that sex can be powerful emotionally, that sometimes it can be the "missing ingredient" when all the other connection is there, and that "break-up sex" is supposed to be particularly intense. Part of me does wonder if there is a chance (if not right away) that finally having sex will plant a seed or catalyze something for him, emotionally, that might make him have second thoughts about the break-up. If, indeed, subconsciously at least (though he'd never say it), the lack of sex is what is "missing" for him in spite of our connection, if it could create passion or the beginnings of passion?
flitzanu Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 having sex with someone that wants to leave you or does not want to be with you...no, that will not make them reconsider. save yourself the guilt and regret. 3
Author UmbrellaBoy Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Maybe. Some friends of mine (women) whom I was talking to today said, however, that they were in some relationships where they were "saving" sex, and then things got rocky with their boyfriends, and then they finally started having sex, and it did save things. I also developed a suspicion today based on a few things that, in spite of all his rhetoric about no feelings for me and all that, that really this is a repeat of this winter, and that it's not really about a lack of feelings for me and going out to seek someone new he will have passion for, but rather getting back together with the ex. In that case, things are a bit different too...
Simon Phoenix Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Maybe. Some friends of mine (women) whom I was talking to today said, however, that they were in some relationships where they were "saving" sex, and then things got rocky with their boyfriends, and then they finally started having sex, and it did save things. I also developed a suspicion today based on a few things that, in spite of all his rhetoric about no feelings for me and all that, that really this is a repeat of this winter, and that it's not really about a lack of feelings for me and going out to seek someone new he will have passion for, but rather getting back together with the ex. In that case, things are a bit different too... The only way it could possibly work was if lack of sex was the big conflict in the relationship. Otherwise it's delaying the inevitable. 2
flitzanu Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 well no one can know 100%, but just be careful. better to go into it assuming it isn't going to work than thinking it will, ya know? because yeah, there can be tension if there's no sexual release...but still, if someone has mentally moved on, it isn't going to save something that isn't there.
CaliBabe Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Depends how good it is. Kidding! Stick to your guns. If you want the title and all that goes with it, hold out. He will lose respect for you if you do this to keep him, he will smell the desperation a mile away. 1
Author UmbrellaBoy Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Well, I held out for three and a half years, and DO have the title for the time being (though maybe not for long). Truthfully, the sex question actually WAS a huge point of conflict for a long time, though more "in theory" since we weren't in a relationship for a long time either, but still. He'd never say it to me directly, but the question of sex and sexual chemistry and tension (and abstinence) has been "an issue." But I'm totally ready and willing now either way, so I figure it's worth a shot. If it's going to end I might as well get sex with him just for curiosity's sake. And maybe (though I know I can't get my hopes up) it will spark something with him if, deep down, that really was the missing ingredient in our relationship for him. 1
youdunsay Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 The only way it could possibly work was if lack of sex was the big conflict in the relationship. Otherwise it's delaying the inevitable. Agree totally. The last time I kissed my ex I'm fully sure that it is not going to work anymore. We never done it, but even if I give it to him that wouldn't solve anything. There is no genuine deep feelings and friendship anymore.
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