iris219 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Do you think my bf should tell me when he talks to his ex about matters that don’t involve the children? Is it wrong for me to expect this? I feel like I have a right to know. Is this unreasonable? Should he even engage in any sort of conversation with her if it doesn’t involve the children? She sometimes initiates contact and I believe he should ignore her or at least not engage her. He says he engages with her to keep things civil. (The contact is almost always via text.)
pteromom Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 No, I do not think he needs to tell you every time he talks to her. Do you trust him? If so, it shouldn't matter if he talks to her. If you think he has residual romantic feelings for her, you have a bigger issue than him talking to her. 2
Author iris219 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 IDK, you don't really give much backstory. How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive or is it casual? It gets muddy when there are children involved. I have an exH and we share custody of a child, and yes, we talk, mostly through text, but have conversations about jobs, life, etc. if you have a long term relationship with him, she will always be a part of his life, that's just how it works. If you don't want or can't accept their relationship, you might need to find a man with less baggage, or...accept it, be less insecure, and roll with it. We are in a serious relationship and I do trust him, but it seems disrespectful to not tell me when he's talked to her. I don't understand why anyone would have conversations about their jobs, their lives, etc with an ex, whether they have kids or not. I don't do this with my exes. I can accept that they have a relationship because children are involved, but don't accept her texting in order to talk about her job, her dog, her relationship, our relationship. She even texted happy anniversary on the day that would have been their anniversary. What's the point? FTR, he doesn't initiate contact with her.
pteromom Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 She even texted happy anniversary on the day that would have been their anniversary. OK... that's weird. But still, he does have a history with her and will continue to have her in his life, so why not be kind and civil? Doesn't mean he has to go hang out with her. It's just texting. It doesn't seem disrespectful to me at all. And obviously not to him either. I think this is one of those situations where it is in your best interest to try to change your feelings about it rather than trying to enforce rules on him. Because if you tell him not to answer her texts, you just come across as insecure and controlling. His ex is part of his life. She always will be. You say you don't talk to your exes, but then you don't have kids with them, right? It is GOOD that he has a friendship with her. But he should not be talking about YOUR relationship with her. That is one request it is definitely ok for you to make. 2
xxoo Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I don't think him informing you of every contact is a good idea. It makes it a bigger deal than it needs to be, and puts pressure on him to make note and tell you--or else risk getting in trouble with you if it slips his mind (because he really didn't give it much thought, anyway). You should trust him to inform you if there is inappropriate contact, and you should trust him to have wise boundaries about contact. If you have to point out that something is inappropriate, that's not good. He should know, and he should handle it. 1
deenalowens Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Keep in mind that when you share a child with someone, you want them to be doing well in life for the sake of the child, if nothing else. The more stable the other person is, the better for their kid. You are in the right to be upset when too much contact starts and becomes more friendly / flirty in nature. You should have an honest discussion with the person you're involved with and talk about boundaries and if it becomes enough of an issue he can raise it with the ex as well.
Author iris219 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I don't think him informing you of every contact is a good idea. It makes it a bigger deal than it needs to be, and puts pressure on him to make note and tell you--or else risk getting in trouble with you if it slips his mind (because he really didn't give it much thought, anyway). You should trust him to inform you if there is inappropriate contact, and you should trust him to have wise boundaries about contact. If you have to point out that something is inappropriate, that's not good. He should know, and he should handle it. I get what you're saying in the first paragraph, but it feels unfair to me. I don't have a "secret" life where I'm having any sorts of conversation with other men that my bf doesn't know about. I want him to tell her not to contact him about anything unrelated to the children. However, he says it's better for everyone if he doesn't enrage her, which happens sometimes, and it's usually about me (which makes no sense to me because she has a bf who she seems to be happy with). I feel like he's unnecessarily placating this woman who is immature and unstable at times.
MissBee Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 No, I do not think he needs to tell you every time he talks to her. Do you trust him? If so, it shouldn't matter if he talks to her. If you think he has residual romantic feelings for her, you have a bigger issue than him talking to her. Ditto. Policing your partner is very tiring. I will only be in a relationship if I feel like we both can be free to act like adults and protect our relationship on our own, without having to report to each other. My ex was divorced and had a child, so needed to speak to the mom, mostly via text, but sometimes on the phone. I never once worried about if they were "only" talking about their child, as the nature of our relationship was very transparent, and I KNEW how he felt about me, I trusted him and had no reason to be worried about him talking to his ex. I am sure they probably had random conversations about other things...but it didn't matter. If I felt like he had to tell me every time he spoke to her and what about, I'd feel like his parole officer. Do you feel he hides the contact? And yes it is weird that she texts happy anniversary and such. It is up to him to put her straight though about what's acceptable or not. 1
aussietigerwolf Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 it is best for the child if the parents can maintain a civil relationship which it sounds like he's trying to do. but... if you're worried it goes beyond that then talk to him.
xxoo Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I get what you're saying in the first paragraph, but it feels unfair to me. I don't have a "secret" life where I'm having any sorts of conversation with other men that my bf doesn't know about. Do you have any reason to believe that your guy is getting anything out of these communications other than much wanted peace with his kids' mom? If their relationship is low-drama, and the communications are harmless, a sudden "no contact other than regarding the kids" policy could easily instigate problems between them. I can understand why he wouldn't want to take a hard line unnecessarily. You don't want him causing problems between his ex and himself because of rules you set. He'll resent that a lot. If there really is an issue of inappropriate communication, be firm about that. But you'll need to trust him to know the difference. This woman is not going away.
Recommended Posts