Finally have the guts to post

[Ssgrimes]

I have been reading for a while and have felt that the information is honest, almost too honest for my emotional state at times, but needed. I finally have the guts to say that I was involved with a MM and have been in NC for two weeks now after a DDay,or partial dday since I doubt he fessed up to everything, the end of may.

 

Same story, different characters... We were friends that ended up going where we should not have gone. And once we took it to that next level things were never the same, and not in the good way. We tried to maintain a friendship, but when his wife was informed of our relationship that all changed. I have struggled with the NC, but he still finds ways to stay in contact with me. I have blocked him on every social media site that I am on, but due to work am not able to change my phone number.

 

I go back and forth about sending hm an email that says stop. I hate that every time I see his name it causes pain in the out of my stomach. I changed his contact information so that hs name doesn't come up, just a simple symbol that I just go and delete.

 

Don't know if I am really asking a question, or just wanted to get it out. This has been some of the hardest weeks that I can remember and am really working to focus on me. Doing things that I know are good for me and my recovery and moving on.

 

I just hate all the feelings that I have and the fact that I want him to know that he hurt me. But everything I have read here tells me that he won't care and I am just wasting my thoughts on someone that doesn't care but anyone but himself.

 

Thanks for letting me vent... I just can't believe I find myself in this situation. I don't know what I was thinking.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Mistakes were made. No one, and I mean no one here has a right to tear you a new one for that. For one, they have no stake in what occurs in your life; it does not affect them, so any holier-than-thou statements you may get (and eventually, you will) shrug them off. That is all I can suggest, here.

 

As to going NC. How frequently does he still try to contact you? I'm guessing quite a bit. Until you tell him to leave you alone, it might take awhile for him to get the silent message you've been sending.

 

I encourage you to send that email. Make it perfectly clear you are done with all of this, and need to move on.

 

I'm sorry you found yourself in this situation. Try to remember; every choice we make, mistake or not, serves to shape who we become. Don't let it destroy you. Take the good you can from it, and make it your prerogative to not fall over the same stumbling block again.

 

Best of luck.

[aliveagain]

Tell his wife again, she needs to know that all is not well in her marriage, they are in false reconciliation, he is not committed. You deserve a man that is 100% committed to you not someone else's dirt. As long as you waste your time with him you will never meet Mr. Right.

[Louanne]

I understand the misery. NC is the hardest thing, especially when you miss the friendship as well as the love and intimacy.

[MMY]

I have been reading for a while and have felt that the information is honest, almost too honest for my emotional state at times, but needed. I finally have the guts to say that I was involved with a MM and have been in NC for two weeks now after a DDay,or partial dday since I doubt he fessed up to everything, the end of may.

 

Same story, different characters... We were friends that ended up going where we should not have gone. And once we took it to that next level things were never the same, and not in the good way. We tried to maintain a friendship, but when his wife was informed of our relationship that all changed. I have struggled with the NC, but he still finds ways to stay in contact with me. I have blocked him on every social media site that I am on, but due to work am not able to change my phone number.

 

I go back and forth about sending hm an email that says stop. I hate that every time I see his name it causes pain in the out of my stomach. I changed his contact information so that hs name doesn't come up, just a simple symbol that I just go and delete.

 

Don't know if I am really asking a question, or just wanted to get it out. This has been some of the hardest weeks that I can remember and am really working to focus on me. Doing things that I know are good for me and my recovery and moving on.

 

I just hate all the feelings that I have and the fact that I want him to know that he hurt me. But everything I have read here tells me that he won't care and I am just wasting my thoughts on someone that doesn't care but anyone but himself.

 

Thanks for letting me vent... I just can't believe I find myself in this situation. I don't know what I was thinking.

 

I am glad to see your post, I am on the other end of the NC that ended up being out of the blue. I have found this site very helpful in understanding things that are going on.

I do think about her all the time. She is going through a D and I am sure I am the last thing on her mind.

I agree with Rebel Dynasty that if you could get a letter to him and tell him how you feel and that you are doing what is best for you. If he cares for you as a friend he will understand and let you find yourself.

I go through good days and bad days as for thinking of my AP. Today is a bad day!!! Cloudy and it seems the wrong songs keep coming up on the radio. I was about to send her a quick text and ask her to tell me what is going on, how she feels, what this and what that but instead I came to this site instead.

[Ssgrimes]

Thank you all for your words. Today has been one of those harder days, but I am keeping busy and surrounding myself with people that I know love me and care for me. They know that someone is going on, but respect that I don't really want to talk about it.

 

I seem to hear from him every other day or so. I told him that if he was going to stay in his marriage then he needs to not worry about our relationship or friendship and give that the 100% it deserves.

 

I did not disclose anything to his wife, that was done anonymously by someone else. I do not know her contact information, other than their physical address, and do not know if it is my place to disclose all of e details. I do not know what she was told and haven't spoken to MM since this all went down.

 

I just know that I slowly feel like I am crawling out from under the rock and see some brighter days coming my way. I have picked up a couple new hobbies and am really taking this time to work on me.

 

Thanks thanks thanks :-)

[Ssgrimes]

I ended up sending an email. I am frustrated because I think I was too nice. I said "I hope that you are better at this point. Everything about this hurts me. It will be easier for me if you stop contacting me"

 

Part of me wants a response, but the smart part of me knows that no response is the best so that I can continue to move on. Just going to be a hard week since I know they are on their "family vacation"...

 

I just hate that I feel like his life is all roses while mine feels to be all the thorns.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I ended up sending an email. I am frustrated because I think I was too nice. I said "I hope that you are better at this point. Everything about this hurts me. It will be easier for me if you stop contacting me"

 

Part of me wants a response, but the smart part of me knows that no response is the best so that I can continue to move on. Just going to be a hard week since I know they are on their "family vacation"...

 

I just hate that I feel like his life is all roses while mine feels to be all the thorns.

 

This is understandable. Try not to think of it in those terms. I'm sure not everything is roses. He might be trying to make it look that way (for what reason, I can only guess), but it's best to push it from your mind.

 

You can do better for yourself, now that you've done what you needed to do.

[2sunny]

Any further contact by the MM - could have a response from you - that's states clearly that IF he EVER communicates with you again - you will tell his wife everything!

 

Then IF he does - drive immediately to their house and inform her that her H continues contact when you told him to stop.

 

If needed file a restraining order!

[Ssgrimes]

I am hoping that he will respect my words and follow through with it. I have not heard from him, so that leads me to believe that he understands, or they have already left for their trip.

 

I am trying to save face as much as I can during all of this and confronting her, to me, would make me feel even worse than I already feel. I am telling myself what happens between them should really only be between them and they don't need any additional input as they work towards whatever they are doing. Some may not agree with that, and I am ok with that and am doing what I am comfortable with at this point. She has not contacted me, and if she looked at phone records she would see the extent to which we communicated with each other, both frequency and timeframe. I don't know their relationship, and that is probably for the best.

[Steadfast]

Mistakes were made. No one, and I mean no one here has a right to tear you a new one for that. For one, they have no stake in what occurs in your life; it does not affect them, so any holier-than-thou statements you may get (and eventually, you will) shrug them off. That is all I can suggest, here.

 

Since we're directing which advice to take and which to ignore, I'll do the same. Ignore this. It'll do you no good. Very obviously, some here do enjoy being hateful or spewing bitterness at the poster's expense, but you're also likely to read something that you don't like from someone who actually cares a great deal. Cares enough to tell you the truth and offers more than best wishes, luck and 'you're only human' excuses. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean it can't be helpful. Many times, that's precisely what you -what all of us at one point or another- need to hear.

 

You're better than this pi$$water approach RD. You know the difference between a mistake and a decision. Would you offer sympathy instead of useful direction if this poster faced violence due to the consequences of her actions? If she came to the realization that she was part of scarring an innocent persons life due to her involvement with their father or husband? Shouldn't you save the sympathetic words to those who will pay the price for something they never wanted or deserved? That's misguided, IMO.

 

Turn your back on this loser and insist on a higher-caliber of company OP. Any married man who cheats has himself at the top of his own personal pecking order, no matter how much gravy he pours on the salad. There are real men in this world. Honest gentlemen. They won't jump out at you like the selfish, married predators. Don't settle for garbage integrity.

[Ssgrimes]

Steadfast,

 

If you read in my original post I acknowledged the negative comments and they were often times needed, but hard to take. I have no problems with what RD posted. I did not come to this site to be attacked, I came to help myself through and extremely difficult time that I find myself in. Did I go out seeking to get involved with a MM? No waynin hell. Did it happen? Yes and it is something that I beat myself up over and probably don't need others beating me up over it as well.

 

I am fully aware of how my actions have hurt others, but I am also hurt and I am here at this point to take care of me, see if I can learn more about why I was able and willing to give up on the values that I have had for many many years. If someone tears me down, I am a big girl I can accept it. But that does not mean that I welcome it.

 

I am doing the best I can with my situation, and trying to do the right thing by insisting on NC, but am still grieving the relationship and friendship of a man that I thought did care for me. Bruised ego and hurt feelings aside, being kicked while I am down doesn't feel very good.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Steadfast: While I respect your opinion and your insight, once again you took one section of my post, and put it out of context. If you read the rest of that post, you will find I do advise her to send the email, and to go NC. The beginning was merely to let the OP know she may be in for a sh*tstorm on here.

 

As to my approach? I have my reasons, Steadfast. You're not one of the ones I grow irritable with. If anything, you've been nothing but understanding. However, there are those with holier-than-thou attitudes, who would do more criticizing, than actual advising. You can't deny that; you've no doubt seen them for yourself.

[georgia girl]

SS,

 

At this point, my thought would be that the fastest, least painful way to heal is to go no contact and then keep your eyes on the bigger prize ahead.

 

You acknowledge that this affair is out in the open and even though he cares for you - and I wouldn't doubt that - he's made a choice to stay with his wife. You can fight this by grabbing every second you can with him and hoping that holding on to the relationship will avoid the pain of the breakup. But eventually, if you read the stories here, another DDay happens or you get frustrated, tired and exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster.

 

Or, you can acknowledge that while you loved this one man, that you have the capacity and ability to learn to love again. And in selecting your next partner, you will choose someone who can be free to love you because having tried this route - against your better judgment - you now see the pitfalls and hurt that awaits.

 

And by focusing on that future, I think it helps to heal from today. Because otherwise, what do you have to look forward to? Being lonely? No one wants to sign up for that. But perhaps, if you look at this small part of your life where you will be lonely - and you have the power to make it as small as you'd like - leading to much greater happiness in the end, then that's a deal that I think you or anyone would be willing to take.

 

We all want to be loved and have a partner. We want the security of knowing that love is returned. When our heart is broken, we have a tendency to just want that love to magically reappear so all can be right in our world again. I think you've done an amazing job acknowledging that it's unlikely to happen. Now, you have to be strong for you. So that you can have a bright future, so that you can mitigate your hurt, so that you can fall in love again.

 

My best to you. GG

[Steadfast]

...I came to help myself through and extremely difficult time that I find myself in. Did I go out seeking to get involved with a MM? No waynin hell. Did it happen? Yes and it is something that I beat myself up over and probably don't need others beating me up over it as well.

 

I get it. I do not see justification written or implied and that's important, IMO. Still...you didn't wake up and *find* yourself here OP. You went here.

 

That is important too. Owning it means knowing what it is, and what it isn't. Hopefully, your suffering will help you make better decisions in the future. Isn't that how most life lessons are learned? The ones worth learning? A wise person once wrote that the pain we feel has a purpose.

 

Out of selfishness, many simply don't care if the person they're attracted to is married, but I'd wager (on average) most people don't actively seek married partners for romance. I'm guessing as a 'friend' he told you of his immeasurable misery, all the while building the attraction between you and him. All cheaters do this; from first timers to seasoned pros. I'll bet you strongly felt you were helping him, as a friend, at one point. Doing something really good and feeling good doing it. It is then that many buy into the 'magic' of growing romance, but it's a one-way magic trick...

 

Lots of good folks here to help Ssg. To help rebuild your self esteem. It serves no good to be inwardly negative. Apply the lessons learned to become stronger and wiser. As such, you'll grieve less and live more.

 

Steadfast: While I respect your opinion and your insight, once again you took one section of my post, and put it out of context...

 

Don't backtrack RD. You told the poster to ignore people. She seems relatively intelligent and capable of recognizing that. I hope so. This isn't building, it's tearing down IMO. 'Group think' agenda doesn't help anyone.

[JustAReformedGirl]

 

 

 

Don't backtrack RD. You told the poster to ignore people. She seems relatively intelligent and capable of recognizing that. I hope so. This isn't building, it's tearing down IMO. 'Group think' agenda doesn't help anyone.

 

No, I advised her to ignore those who would tear her a new one, without offering advice. I'm not backtracking. Why do you insist on quoting only the part that serves your argument, while blatantly ignoring the rest of the post?

[Steadfast]

No, I advised her to ignore those who would tear her a new one, without offering advice. I'm not backtracking. Why do you insist on quoting only the part that serves your argument, while blatantly ignoring the rest of the post?

 

In my opinion, the beginning of your post invalidates the rest. I will not argue it. You will write what you wish, as will I. To advise now, I suggest that you closely examine your motivation. You seem to have developed bitterness over those you see as bitter. I ask; does that help anyone?

 

I wish to be neither friend or enemy RD. I'd like to believe that what I write is rooted in truth. That is, true because it's true, not because I'm writing it.

[JustAReformedGirl]

In my opinion, the beginning of your post invalidates the rest. I will not argue it. You will write what you wish, as will I. To advise now, I suggest that you closely examine your motivation. You seem to have developed bitterness over those you see as bitter. I ask; does that help anyone?

 

I wish to be neither friend or enemy RD. I'd like to believe that what I write is rooted in truth. That is, true because it's true, not because I'm writing it.

 

So it's alright for you to psycho analyze me and my motivation-but if I were to do the same, how would you feel? No, I am merely becoming irritable. You weren't within that frame, but you are beginning to slip into it. I implore you to drop it; I don't want to start disliking you, and based on my mood as of late, I don't put that on you; it is me.

 

I'm sorry you feel that way, Steadfast. I merely offered her my input (in which there was more than one post), as you have done the same. I'm entitled to my approach, as you are to yours.

[JustAReformedGirl]

In any case SS, keep us apprised of how things are going, okay?

[Ssgrimes]

I get it. I do not see justification written or implied and that's important, IMO. Still...you didn't wake up and *find* yourself here OP. You went here.

 

That is important too. Owning it means knowing what it is, and what it isn't. Hopefully, your suffering will help you make better decisions in the future. Isn't that how most life lessons are learned? The ones worth learning? A wise person once wrote that the pain we feel has a purpose.

 

I did not just wake up and find myself in my situation. I knew what I was doing, and was hoping the .01% chance that something good could happen. I hold the responsibility for my part of the situation, I am not responsible for his actions. This was a mutual decision

 

I was not given the my marriage sucks information. In fact,as crazy as it sounds he never spoke disrespectfully about his wife. I resisted the pull that I felt towards him for 18 months, and in one instance that was all gone. We were only intimate for around 4 months before DDay. I am quite certain his wife does not know the level and length of our relationship (and trust me, I wish that she did so she could know what an ass she is dealing with, but I am staying out of that... It won't do me any good, but satisfy my need for him to feel hurt and pain.)

 

I know I am responsible for my actions and I also know that people think what I did was one of the worst things ever, as do I. But I appreciate the reminder that just because it is bad, does not mean that I should take to heart the people that rake me over the coals for a mistake.

 

You are entitled to your opinion,as is everyone else. And because you disagree with th advice someone gives me,for my situation,does not mean you need to begin a confrontational discussion. Your opinion was noted and I addressed them. This is hard, this is not somewhere I thought I would be, I made a mistake, and I am learning about me and also seeking counseling because I am using this as a learning opportunity.

 

In no circumstances am I trying to remove any responsibility that I have in th situation. I am just hurting, and trying to make it through the week where my head is saying a lot of things and my heart is hurting.

 

Shrines

[JustAReformedGirl]

I did not just wake up and find myself in my situation. I knew what I was doing, and was hoping the .01% chance that something good could happen. I hold the responsibility for my part of the situation, I am not responsible for his actions. This was a mutual decision

 

I was not given the my marriage sucks information. In fact,as crazy as it sounds he never spoke disrespectfully about his wife. I resisted the pull that I felt towards him for 18 months, and in one instance that was all gone. We were only intimate for around 4 months before DDay. I am quite certain his wife does not know the level and length of our relationship (and trust me, I wish that she did so she could know what an ass she is dealing with, but I am staying out of that... It won't do me any good, but satisfy my need for him to feel hurt and pain.)

 

I know I am responsible for my actions and I also know that people think what I did was one of the worst things ever, as do I. But I appreciate the reminder that just because it is bad, does not mean that I should take to heart the people that rake me over the coals for a mistake.

 

You are entitled to your opinion,as is everyone else. And because you disagree with th advice someone gives me,for my situation,does not mean you need to begin a confrontational discussion. Your opinion was noted and I addressed them. This is hard, this is not somewhere I thought I would be, I made a mistake, and I am learning about me and also seeking counseling because I am using this as a learning opportunity.

 

In no circumstances am I trying to remove any responsibility that I have in th situation. I am just hurting, and trying to make it through the week where my head is saying a lot of things and my heart is hurting.

 

Shrines

 

You said this beautifully. The part I bolded was the point I was originally trying to make with my first post, which by the looks of it, you realized. That just because you made a questionable choice, doesn't mean you have to put up with other people-outside of your situation-raking you over the coals. I don't know why he insisted on fighting with me over a matter of opinion. He essentially accused me of projecting, which he is just as guilty of, in this matter. Regardless, thanks for understanding how I meant it. I have no problem with Steadfast; we're clearly just at odds, today.

 

I really do wish you the best of luck in your endeavour.

[Ssgrimes]

Thank you RD. I knew what you meant, and it was a good reminder because I did out my story on a public forum which mean I have opened myself to the opinions of anyone that chooses to respond.

 

After sending the NC email I am dealing with the hurt of knowing I have taken control of the situation, and even though it hurts now, am not allowing him to hurt me in the future. I will be interested to see if he complies with my request once he returns for being out of town next weekend, when he is not under the watchful eyes of his wife and her family.

 

I see him now for the weak man that he is and know that I don't wa t to be a part of that weakness

[JustAReformedGirl]

Thank you RD. I knew what you meant, and it was a good reminder because I did out my story on a public forum which mean I have opened myself to the opinions of anyone that chooses to respond.

 

After sending the NC email I am dealing with the hurt of knowing I have taken control of the situation, and even though it hurts now, am not allowing him to hurt me in the future. I will be interested to see if he complies with my request once he returns for being out of town next weekend, when he is not under the watchful eyes of his wife and her family.

 

I see him now for the weak man that he is and know that I don't wa t to be a part of that weakness

 

 

I know it's cliché, but they usually say the right thing to do is the hardest. In the case of the email, that might be what you're experiencing, with your mixed emotions. It's perfectly understandable, given how you once viewed this man. It probably will take quite awhile for those feelings to develop into what they did, so the reversing process is likely to be the same. But, I think you're doing quite well. I hope, for your sake, he does respect your wishes. If not, I encourage you to stay strong, and commit to the NC.

 

Are there any activities you can engage in that might help you deal with this process more smoothly? I know you mentioned counselling, but have you any hobbies that could help take your mind off of things? Any friends you'd like to get together with? It might not seem like it, but sometimes that spurns the healing process on a bit quicker.

[Steadfast]

You are entitled to your opinion,as is everyone else. And because you disagree with th advice someone gives me,for my situation,does not mean you need to begin a confrontational discussion. Your opinion was noted and I addressed them.

 

Please accept my apology. I was clearly in the wrong.

 

My sincerest hope for good health and happiness. Be well.

[Ssgrimes]

Are there any activities you can engage in that might help you deal with this process more smoothly? I know you mentioned counselling, but have you any hobbies that could help take your mind off of things? Any friends you'd like to get together with? It might not seem like it, but sometimes that spurns the healing process on a bit quicker.

 

Great advice and it is something I am doing. I started going to a crossfit box in my area. Nothing helps get out anger, sadness and frustration better than using your muscles in a crazy workout. :-). Working out has been something I have been able to keep my mind busy with, but I do limit it to two workouts a day, lol. If anything I should be very healthy and fit at the end of all this.

 

I have been able to keep myself busy for the most part, which does help considerably. I have great friends, who even though they do not know the details, know that I need to be around people right now. I really am a luck person.

 

Things will get better,but there will be difficult moments. Just experiencing the difficult right now. But I truly appreciate your support