youngnlove89 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Lately, I've just been unhappy. I know my doctor said I had a "chemical imbalance" and I was put on depression medication. First, Viibryd which made me breakout bad, but I really liked how it made me feel. And then Celexa, which I stopped taking because I was scared of breaking out/gaining weight. I just hate being on medications. I have every reason to be happy. I have great health, great family, great friends, my relationship with my manfriend (he's no boy! ) is improving and I have a steady job. But I seem to always try to find the bad in things. I just don't know how to be happy when I should. If I were to jump into my feelings right now without being judged, I will be honest and tell you what is really bothering me: I'm afraid my current relationship will fail. I have a fear of intimacy (getting too close) and a fear of being cheated on and left. This causes me too shut down and pull away. I will purposely try to sabotage the relationship, in any way. (in the past I have broken up several times with my bf because of fear) I've been working on this and trying to calm myself down before acting out of spite. But sometimes it gets so heavy that I can't hold it in and I act out, pick a fight, push buttons...I have never properly dealt with my parent's divorce and how it ended and affected our family.My dad is a cheater (cheated on my mom and still cheats on his "girlfriends") and my ex ex was a cheater and left me for a married woman whom he is now married too and has a kid with. I have developed major trust issues from both of these instances. I get physically ill from thinking too much about it. I'll get the runs, I'll lose my appetite and I'll lose sleep. This is a weekly occurrence because I don't know how to NOT have these trust issues.But here's the weird thing, and I'm ashamed to admit this, but I sometimes fantasize (sexually) about my current bf cheating on me and it will turn me on. I don't know why I do that, it's not something I want to happen. I would be miserable if that happened. But it gets me off.I also haven't dealt with my rape that happened in February this year. I pushed it so far back in my mind that I don't think about it until it becomes so heavy that I'm forced to emotionally fall into a deep sadness. Sometimes to the point where I fantasize about suicide. I'm really embarrassed to admit these things and it's not something I would share with anyone in my world. I don't want judgement, I rather have no comments. I don't want to be told I need therapy, I just want someone to talk to. Strangers that don't know me, but are willing to listen.
LOSTnMT Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) I can't begin to understand what you are going through, it must be very very hard to deal with. The only words of wisdom I can offer you is about #1 on your list. You get from a relationship what you give to a relationship, so if you are holding back and trying to sabotage the whole thing you are never going to achieve what (I assume) you desire. It is very hard to give yourself to somebody completely and under your circumstances it's probably even harder than it is for most people. Dealing with relationship problems is hard enough, but you have other factors going on and that is just brutal, I wish you the best. Take care Edited June 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed full quoted post to be easier to read 1
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I can't begin to understand what you are going through, it must be very very hard to deal with. The only words of wisdom I can offer you is about #1 on your list. You get from a relationship what you give to a relationship, so if you are holding back and trying to sabotage the whole thing you are never going to achieve what (I assume) you desire. It is very hard to give yourself to somebody completely and under your circumstances it's probably even harder than it is for most people. Dealing with relationship problems is hard enough, but you have other factors going on and that is just brutal, I wish you the best. Take care Thank you for your kind words. I guess I'm afraid of losing control of myself and the moment I start to feel like I'm losing control is when I try to mess things up or pull away/ignore so I can get back on my feet. I have this immense fear of being left. And I'm already neck deep in the dark waters of this relationship. I know that if something were to happen and our relationship would end I would be in for it. Things have been going so well, but I'm scared. It causes me to get unhappy because I think the more you love someone, the more you become closer to them...the more you have to lose.
LOSTnMT Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Thank you for your kind words. I guess I'm afraid of losing control of myself and the moment I start to feel like I'm losing control is when I try to mess things up or pull away/ignore so I can get back on my feet. I have this immense fear of being left. And I'm already neck deep in the dark waters of this relationship. I know that if something were to happen and our relationship would end I would be in for it. Things have been going so well, but I'm scared. It causes me to get unhappy because I think the more you love someone, the more you become closer to them...the more you have to lose. Of course the more you love them the more its gonna hurt the longer you are together the more you lose more than a partner you lose a friend. I was in a relationship for 14 years and last spring she started cheating on me with a 28 year old felon that was just released from prison. (Hes back now for kidnapping, robbery and murder) I just wanted to protect my son from this guy at first and after everything settled down here 14 months later I am going through the breaking up part even though we havent been together in well over a year. The first few days I found myself wondering how she could pick a POS like that over me.....and maybe I am less than the felon. I am too smart to believe that, I know who I am and how I treat people. The whole thing sucks and I was 100% into that relationship so it hurts worse than any other I have had......BUT I will get through it and so will you
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Of course the more you love them the more its gonna hurt the longer you are together the more you lose more than a partner you lose a friend. I was in a relationship for 14 years and last spring she started cheating on me with a 28 year old felon that was just released from prison. (Hes back now for kidnapping, robbery and murder) I just wanted to protect my son from this guy at first and after everything settled down here 14 months later I am going through the breaking up part even though we havent been together in well over a year. The first few days I found myself wondering how she could pick a POS like that over me.....and maybe I am less than the felon. I am too smart to believe that, I know who I am and how I treat people. The whole thing sucks and I was 100% into that relationship so it hurts worse than any other I have had......BUT I will get through it and so will you Wow how awful. I'm sorry you are going through that. That's what I'm afraid of: being left for someone else. So I try really hard not to attach to him. But I can't help that. So I will physically try to pull away. But then I get mad and sad at myself because I love him and I don't want to ruin it. Bad thing is that he has the same issues as me with fear of commitment/intimacy.
LOSTnMT Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Wow how awful. I'm sorry you are going through that. That's what I'm afraid of: being left for someone else. So I try really hard not to attach to him. But I can't help that. So I will physically try to pull away. But then I get mad and sad at myself because I love him and I don't want to ruin it. Bad thing is that he has the same issues as me with fear of commitment/intimacy. What kind of relationship can you have when both people don't really want to be there? You are both cheating yourselves and each other.....then again what the hell do I know maybe you are made for each other and I am the dumb one. I wish you the best.
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 What kind of relationship can you have when both people don't really want to be there? You are both cheating yourselves and each other.....then again what the hell do I know maybe you are made for each other and I am the dumb one. I wish you the best. I can see how people would view that. We both want to be in the relationship, we both are just scared. We have been together for over 2 years now, if we wanted out, we would have been long gone awhile ago. But we can't stay away from each other. To me it's scary.
Toddbt12y1 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I feel sorry for both of you. I know I am no expert, and certainly cannot offer you resound advise...or to help with this issues. All I can tell you is....Never travel alone. Thing about dark-waters, is people travel it either alone or too lightly. They do not realize that they have more than a man,, or woman. More than family, and friends. They have it all. So, when you do travel the dark; just know that they are all with you. If one falls, and you seem to be drowning, look above and see the hand of another soul ready to pick you back up. People will let you down. But...they can also be a powerful shield to help you. You are popular on here Youngnlove. You have many friends, although, you can't see us. We will be glad to help you...in anyway...when things get to rough. Even if we can only offer comforting words, to lift you up from drowning in the water. You have it hard. I cannot begin to understand it. You are a lovely person. I hope your fears do not come true. Your dreams instead do. I know this isn't helpful...but...all I know to say. 2
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I feel sorry for both of you. I know I am no expert, and certainly cannot offer you resound advise...or to help with this issues. All I can tell you is....Never travel alone. Thing about dark-waters, is people travel it either alone or too lightly. They do not realize that they have more than a man,, or woman. More than family, and friends. They have it all. So, when you do travel the dark; just know that they are all with you. If one falls, and you seem to be drowning, look above and see the hand of another soul ready to pick you back up. People will let you down. But...they can also be a powerful shield to help you. You are popular on here Youngnlove. You have many friends, although, you can't see us. We will be glad to help you...in anyway...when things get to rough. Even if we can only offer comforting words, to lift you up from drowning in the water. You have it hard. I cannot begin to understand it. You are a lovely person. I hope your fears do not come true. Your dreams instead do. I know this isn't helpful...but...all I know to say. It is helpful, thank you. "Popular" as in everyone knows my story and hates me for it. haha. But thank you for being a friend Toddbt12y1 It's weird, I'll be good for awhile, happy and going along just fine. Then one day I will feel that dark haze start to settle over me like a black heavy mist that follows me around for a day or two until it disappears again. I never know when it will come to visit me.. It's been coming around more often though, I can even pin point the exact moment it happens now, and I always say to myself, "uh oh, it's back..." And all I know how to do is let it control me. What is this thing?
Toddbt12y1 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 The battle of depression. It seems like it's a life long battle... It comes and goes. Usually with a mere thought. Sometimes you lose to it. Sometimes you win, and are happy. Just realize that it's not entirely gloomy. As ugly as things are...you have people who do love and care for you...and success. Do not get caught up in the endless possibility of the future...that can turn out good or bad. Realize you have all of this right now. You don't know the future; so, accept what you have now as your future. That things may stay positive. Some of these fears haven't yet come..so...you needn't worry over them. Unless they do come. Do not fret a million unknowns. Only accept the known that you have and know now. Which seems to be good. I get caught up in this ugliness sometimes myself too. It is a win-lose. Thing.
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 The battle of depression. It seems like it's a life long battle... It comes and goes. Usually with a mere thought. Sometimes you lose to it. Sometimes you win, and are happy. Just realize that it's not entirely gloomy. As ugly as things are...you have people who do love and care for you...and success. Do not get caught up in the endless possibility of the future...that can turn out good or bad. Realize you have all of this right now. You don't know the future; so, accept what you have now as your future. That things may stay positive. Some of these fears haven't yet come..so...you needn't worry over them. Unless they do come. Do not fret a million unknowns. Only accept the known that you have and know now. Which seems to be good. I get caught up in this ugliness sometimes myself too. It is a win-lose. Thing. Ain't it horrible how we worry about the future when the present is going great? It's sad and a waste of time and I wish I knew how to control my thought process better.
LOSTnMT Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Ain't it horrible how we worry about the future when the present is going great? It's sad and a waste of time and I wish I knew how to control my thought process better. Just keep reminding yourself that you may not have tomorrow, you will enjoy today that much more.
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Just keep reminding yourself that you may not have tomorrow, you will enjoy today that much more. Funny, I wouldn't mind it.
DannyMason Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I don't have anything profound or useful to say, but I hope things start looking up for you and wish to send you some love through the internet. Hugs for Youngnlove! :bunny: 1
ferpuerto17 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Hey sorry to hear about the situation earlier this year. You were a victim and it is easy to understand why you are having those issues. If I could recommend a couple of things that may help. You may be able to address your issues by visiting a psychologist regularly. A lot of times people are put in meds because it is the easiest thing, even if they do not need them. I am not saying that you are one of those cases, but getting to the root of the problem is always the best option. Start planning activities like hiking, biking, jogging and other outdoor stuff. They are great for getting your mind off the negativity. I talked to a person that waa going through similar stuff and they became isolated and never left the house. She got a dog and that meant she had to take her out for a couple of walks each day. Now the dog is with her when she goes hiking or walking and she is doing much better. Maybe that would help you too.
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Hey sorry to hear about the situation earlier this year. You were a victim and it is easy to understand why you are having those issues. If I could recommend a couple of things that may help. You may be able to address your issues by visiting a psychologist regularly. A lot of times people are put in meds because it is the easiest thing, even if they do not need them. I am not saying that you are one of those cases, but getting to the root of the problem is always the best option. Start planning activities like hiking, biking, jogging and other outdoor stuff. They are great for getting your mind off the negativity. I talked to a person that waa going through similar stuff and they became isolated and never left the house. She got a dog and that meant she had to take her out for a couple of walks each day. Now the dog is with her when she goes hiking or walking and she is doing much better. Maybe that would help you too. Thank you. I do go out and do stuff, doesn't help. Most of the time, I'm okay. But every week or so I get this wave of depression that stops me dead in my tracks and lasts at most for two days. I am moody, sad, I cry, I sleep, I don't eat and I just can't do anything. This time it only lasted for a day, thank god. I feel better today, but it takes me another day to kind of recover from the sadness. It's weird.
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