Scarlet Woman

[TheOW]

WTF is wrong with me ? I had a one night stand (which i have never done before) it wasnt a random guy either we had been flirting for a while, he is a friend of my soon to be xH. Now I am obsessing about him, he has told me he cant continue things because of H and he always had something for me, yeah yeah whatever! Now it looks like he is leaving to work abroad, I think I pushed him that far away.

 

XMM and I bumped into each other in our local and we started chatting, he was apologising (as they do) he misses me (whatever) wishes he never caused me so much hurt (zzzzz) He texted me later on that evening saying how great i looked and he was jealous at the attention i was receiving, this was the evening I went home with the other.

 

Anyways I think ive come to realise I can't not have a man on my mind, its always jumping from one crush to the other I cannot even remember a time in my life when I havent had a crush .... but i always get hurt. I hate this obsessiveness trait I have Im finding myself starting to obsess about MM again and I know if I give in to it we will be back into the A (I do not want this) but it seems that ive been rejected again im jumping onto another.

 

I hate being a good looking woman sometimes (I do not mean to sound bigheaded at all) its just that you get all the attention in the world but rejected when you cave in

 

Note: the seemingly innocent flirting between myself and single guy was for approx a year.

 

Then there is my soon to be xH -why have am I doing this to him, I feel no regret or guilt for what I have done, why is that ? He is a great guy.

 

Maybe im the devila own creation and men should stay away before i destroy them.

[TheOW]

First of all, it's good that you have at least acknowldged these traits, espeically as a negative as many women who have them often consider themselves merely constant victims of love and circumstance.

 

There are women who feed on male attention, contemplation and consideration. I don't mean they are succubus-like or anything, just that they need to either have a man in the lives or on their minds. It's fun to like a guy. The 'what-ifs' start flooding your brain and oxytocin beings surging through your veins. BUT for some women, it becomes an addiction. A new flame is like a hit of crack for them; the rush, the thrill of a "crush", prolonged flirtation or even a torrid affair all possess a certain allure that nothing else can touch. And I think you have become addicted to that excitement.

 

A couple questions for me and for yourself:

 

1). Do you feel validated when you receive male attention? Do you feel more worthy, special or important because of it? It's always an ego boost when men pay attention to us but no matter how pretty we are, the excitement of adoration wanes after a while. Do you find yourself still feeling an extra special rush when you get it?

 

 

2). Why do you think you are so weak when it comes to xMM? What inside you leaves you open to rekindling the affair if the opportunity presented itself or the desire became too strong even though you know that is the absolute worst thing for you? What about your previous situation is still appealing to you?

 

3). Why are you a slave to your desires no matter how ill-advised they are? You know xMM is no good for you just as you know some of the men you may currently be 'obsessed' with are no good for you? What is your thought process when weighing these decisions?

 

4). Have you a tentative list (mental or on paper) of the qualities you will or won't accept in a potential romantic partner? I'm not saying you need to be ridiculously detailed or picky but have you outlined the traits that you KNOW to be negative and steeled your will not to accept them?

 

 

5). Do you realize you're worth and deserve infinitely more than you have allowed yourself in the past?

 

 

Yes I do feel validated but I shouldnt I have 2 great kids who should give me all the validation I require but a part of me is always seeking male attention, I play on it, its like some sick twisted games my mind likes to play. Not all the time I get lots of male attention and it dont feel special or even get that ego boost, im just not interested but it seems the few that I do become attracted to I become almost obsessed with them.

 

xMM I guess when it comes to him I feel safe we can go back underground and I wont need anyone else I wont get hurt again like I am with the single guy. (I wont go back into A I just wont) I know its seems stupid but I was content and knew what was what within it. I dont deal with emotions well they overpower me easily (scorpion, says it all)

 

I only go with guys I feel an emotional attachment to hence the year innocent flirting with single guy, (5 years flirting with xMM before we became involved) ... then when something physical happens i go full throttle

 

Im ranting I know and my post probably doesnt even make sense.

 

As I said my mind is a trickster or im twisted.

[TheOW]

This may be easier to understand:

 

Its like to get over one guy I have to become obsessed with another.

[youngnlove89]

I'm not all too familiar with your story and I haven't kept up to date with it, so I apologize in advance.

 

But from reading what you have wrote in this OP, it sounds like you keep picking men that are not willing/able to commit to you. You put yourself in situations that are a dead end street.

 

Then you say to yourself:

 

its just that you get all the attention in the world but rejected when you cave in

 

The old fashion response would be "maybe you're picking the wrong people" ya. ya. We all hate that answer. We aren't doing anything wrong, "it's THEM", we tell ourselves.

 

Sometimes people don't realize they have an issue because they are so far in that they can't see it themselves. They are in doubt. That couldn't be happening to me. But when you willingly put yourself in these predicaments time and time again, you have to ask yourself, 'could it be me with the issues?'

 

Maybe you have a fear of commitment? So you naturally pick men who can't commit to you because you find comfort in that, it's safe. Even though it feels like you "want" to commit, and you tell yourself you do, but you keep finding yourself in these situations that make you question what you are doing wrong...

 

You aren't a bad person. At all. In fact, I have a fear of commitment too. I didn't realize it till I observed my tendencies and my past/current relationships. I always put myself in situations that will obviously FAIL because I have this fear of intimacy.

 

It's really an interesting topic to read on. I just thought I'd share.

[underwater2010]

Have you ever been on your own? Without a guy?

[TheOW]

Have you ever been on your own? Without a guy?

 

No, I have been last few weeks but I am struggling and becoming obsessed, I dont have many female friends they are all busy with their own lives and tbh I think they are just as fed up with me as I am of myself.

[LilGirlandOW]

scorpion, says it all

 

I'm a scorpio too And I feel exactly the same as you.

[aliveagain]

I have not read any other of your postings but assume your a serial cheater, is that correct? My ex behaved the same way, she always flirted and had to have the attention the moment she walked into the room. She was sexually abused as a child by family members as well as friends of the family. Were you sexually abused? As long as you continue to behave the way you do I don't think any future relationship will work, no man will ever feel safe with you. You need to spend some time in counseling, with someone that specializes in infidelity. The other option you might want to consider(I don't mean this in a hurtful way, I know a couple that do this and have a very successful relationship) having a relationship with a bisexual male. They both enjoy the company of a second male. Her flirting brings all kinds of men and even women(she experiments but is only into men) into their life without jealousy.

[TheOW]

Highlighted what I thought were the most pertinent.

 

First off, younglove89 has an excellent point and your reply only makes her argument that much more likely. I do think you have some real issues with commitment and the sheer fact that you considered your clandestine relationship with xMM to be 'safe' says it all. It's true, it IS safe. He's married and apparently not leaving his wife (something it sounds like you're more than ok with) which means it's definitely safe. You know, for the most part who he's with (because I mean unless he's a very skillful magician, he likely can't juggle THAT many affairs) and you have some semblance of commitment without actually having to have real...commitment. You are friends and lovers and fairly 'devoted' to one another without the terrifying prospect of an actual future together.

 

 

The downside to the safety of that EMR is that you are lowering yourself. You are giving yourself over to someone whom you can never share a full life with. You're relegating yourself to a life of lies and secrecy as if you couldn't possible be better than that. You are basically saying to the universe "I don't expect or deserve to be with someone and not have to share them."

 

Also, the fact that you say you don't do well with emotions is telling. I have a friend, very much like you. 200 years ago they would've said she merely had "sensibility", a "woman's heart" or some other prosaic euphemism. Today we call that a lack of self-control. You have made yourself a slave to your emotions which is the best way to find yourself constantly heartbroken and end up either jaded, bitter or just plain depressed. You have to give up this sense of resignation you seem to have when it comes to your emotions. Look at whom you've chosen and what you have done and really consider why and how best to alter those choices in the future.

 

All true

 

I've tried sooo hard not to become a slave to emotions but I find it impossible to do so, I have an obsessive streak, a self destruct button and I find it hard to calm my emotions.

 

Ive tried to turn them off, stop listening to my heart and listen to my brain. Whats terrifying the most is i KNOW all this but cant seem to listen to myself. I know right from wrong but i always choose the wrong path thinking i will be ok i can do this i will twist it till it becomes my way.

[TheOW]

I have not read any other of your postings but assume your a serial cheater, is that correct? My ex behaved the same way, she always flirted and had to have the attention the moment she walked into the room. She was sexually abused as a child by family members as well as friends of the family. Were you sexually abused? As long as you continue to behave the way you do I don't think any future relationship will work, no man will ever feel safe with you. You need to spend some time in counseling, with someone that specializes in infidelity. The other option you might want to consider(I don't mean this in a hurtful way, I know a couple that do this and have a very successful relationship) having a relationship with a bisexual male. They both enjoy the company of a second male. Her flirting brings all kinds of men and even women(she experiments but is only into men) into their life without jealousy.

 

Yes I am, no I have never been abused but my father is a serial cheater also. No I become to jealous over what I consider to be mines (even xMM)

[BetrayedH]

Everyone craves external validation. We all want to feel desired and sexy. Of course, your kids don't accomplish that. A spouse doesn't always do much either; they're literally in a contract for life with you so they're obligated. That's not very convincing. A married man, however, is very convincing. He's taking a huge risk to be with you so you must really be something for him to do that. Of course, you've found that you weren't so special (he was just a jerkwad). Perhaps if he resumed the affair you could look at it differently (so that becomes an option in your mind). Sadly, that situation left you with the opposite of validation; it left you with rejection. So now you're even more vulnerable to external validation. Ugh, right? So you engage another man that might provide it. For what it's worth, I certainly give you credit for choosing men with whom you have some sort of an emotional connection. You're not off sleeping with anyone or everyone to get that validation. But you're still choosing unwisely because this guy wasn't really a viable option, being too close to your previous drama.

 

The point is that you should acknowledge that you want validation (like everyone) but to have enough self-confidence to wait for a relationship that would be healthy.

 

Don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to preach. After my wife's affair, I was desperate for validation and got into my own brief affair - not exactly healthy. Then once we decided upon divorce, I jumped quickly into another relationship when I probably should have waited. So I'm in no position to judge.

 

I just think that the desire for validation is really at the heart of almost all relationships. We give validation and we get it in return. Other than the physical pleasure of sex or procreation, why be involved with someone at all? I think the trick is to want validation but not NEED it so much that we make poor decisions to get it. And I think that has everything to do with self-esteem and self-confidence.

[aliveagain]

Jealousy is one of the traits of a serial cheater, they are the most jealous people on the planet. My ex wouldn't allow me to hire a woman assistant even when HR strongly recommend them to me. She would call my office 10-15 times a day, secretaries just stopped passing her messages on to me. I couldn't be in a room alone with another woman. She did a lot of projecting of her own behavior onto me, if she was cheating than I must be doing the same. Nothing unusual about being jealous during infidelity.

[Got it]

No, I have been last few weeks but I am struggling and becoming obsessed, I dont have many female friends they are all busy with their own lives and tbh I think they are just as fed up with me as I am of myself.

 

I think this is key and what you need to focus on. Take some time to really get to know you. Date yourself, learn what makes you tick, and really develop that relationship.

 

Do you feel that your self worth, value, is tied to your physical appearance? Was that something that was expressed when you were a child/teen?

 

Maybe you are self medicating with love/lust interests? Maybe using it as a way to avoid really dealing with the hurt and pain?

 

 

I would reccomend, sit in a quiet place somewhere for 30-60 minutes, empty your brain and center yourself. Listen to the bees buzzing, the wind blowing, just "be". What thoughts come to your mind? When you empty your brain what emotions bubble to the surface? I would then journal it and really start peeling the back the layers of your emotions.

[underwater2010]

No, I have been last few weeks but I am struggling and becoming obsessed, I dont have many female friends they are all busy with their own lives and tbh I think they are just as fed up with me as I am of myself.

That might be a good step for you. Try living without a guy for a least a year. Find other activities and spend lots of time with your kids. Enjoy the remote and bed to yourself. Enjoy just cooking for you and the kids.

 

You DON'T need a man to enjoy your life and it will put you in a better state of mind when you begin another relationship. You also might want to take a look at the type of guys you are attracted to.

[MissBee]

Yes I do feel validated but I shouldnt I have 2 great kids who should give me all the validation I require but a part of me is always seeking male attention, I play on it, its like some sick twisted games my mind likes to play. Not all the time I get lots of male attention and it dont feel special or even get that ego boost, im just not interested but it seems the few that I do become attracted to I become almost obsessed with them.

 

xMM I guess when it comes to him I feel safe we can go back underground and I wont need anyone else I wont get hurt again like I am with the single guy. (I wont go back into A I just wont) I know its seems stupid but I was content and knew what was what within it. I dont deal with emotions well they overpower me easily (scorpion, says it all)

 

I only go with guys I feel an emotional attachment to hence the year innocent flirting with single guy, (5 years flirting with xMM before we became involved) ... then when something physical happens i go full throttle

 

Im ranting I know and my post probably doesnt even make sense.

 

As I said my mind is a trickster or im twisted.

 

 

TheOW,

 

I can actually relate to your feelings; reflecting on how I used to be. I'm not where I want to be yet, but have come A LONG way and I think you even realizing and acknowledging it is a start.

 

Since high school through my college years it was like I was hooked up to an IV of male attention. At any given moment I was "talking" to at least 3 guys. I always had someone on tap to text me, stroke my ego, take me out. In the bunch, sometimes I didn't seriously like any of them and sometimes I really really liked one of them. Throughout my own A, I was head over heels in love with him, but also had other men I was talking to. It was constant. I needed that validation. When I had a boyfriend it would stop, where it was just them, but I also picked relationships that I shouldn't have chosen and become highly invested in the work of getting a stable, committed relationship out of a man who couldn't really provide it. They were not "bad guys"...they simply had their own issues and thus couldn't be 100% invested in a real relationship....but we both decided to try anyway and I usually assumed most of the responsibility.

 

I too would obsess over the people I really liked...and I was so inlove and so on, when in reality, I realized later on that I chose high anxiety situations, with unavailable men, whether emotionally or they in fact had another R (like the A); it was a subconscious thing. I chose impossible situations, which produced all these anxious feelings, which I couldn't differentiate from butterflies and love. It was always a push and pull, come here, go away, maybe it will work, maybe not, will you actually do what you said or won't you? It was never straight forward and simple. I was always on edge, always fighting some odds, but that feeling also felt like what being in love was about....smh. I know for me, it stemmed from my relationship with my dad, who is a serial cheater who essentially is emotionally unavailable and fickle. I gravitated to men who were a replica of him in some way, and usually I didn't realize this of course, until after a while. The more it wasn't working and was unavailable, the more I was inlove and the more anxious I became, the more they pulled away was the more I pushed to squeeze a loving, stable relationship out of them. I thought I was unlucky and they were the problem, until I realized, I too had my own issues of commitment phobia, hence, while I lamented about it, I was the one choosing these guys and these types of scenarios seemed to be the only ones I attracted. I subconsciously chose men who I could never have a healthy relationship with because of my own issue. I had to realize that I coudn't control any of these men, so it had to be me who needed to be different.

 

It wasn't an easy road and still isn't. It was a pattern and reflected subconscious beliefs I grew up with and you don't simply realize and say "Aha!" and then go forth a new woman lol. I still have a tendency to get butterflies for unavailable guys...but I know my "weakness" and I know once I start liking a man a lot and it starts feeling more anxious/obsessive/has me questioning myself and worth and makes me feel rejected....that it's probably me reaching for the uncomfortable familiar and I need to step away from it. I know what it looks and feels like and can stop myself before investing too much. In late 2009 I also decided I had enough of these empty textships and that I didn't need to be hitched, even vestigially, to some random guy to feel good and literally deleted and blocked all the guys I had been talking to. It was sooooooo freeing! For all of 2010, I was celibate and was working on me. It was great! It felt like such a purge and so empowering to focus on school, myself, friends, other things besides men and obsessing over a man or juggling non-relationships/casual relationships. It was like I had no clue how overloaded and hooked to this type of validation I was until I cut it all off. There were times in the past where the chatter of all these men was on a lull and I'd almost feel desperate to get it back, but when I made that decision, I didn't feel lonely or desperate, but empowered and free. I could slow down and realize what I want and didn't want and what my own fears and issues were and could work through them and choose better, versus throw myself into obsessing over some 'relationship", which in reality was just a distraction from my self work.

 

I also read a good book called:Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself. It was a great book which really touched on those types of feelings and issues and helped me to put things in perspective.

Edited June 27, 2013 by MissBee

[TheOW]

TheOW,

 

I can actually relate to your feelings; reflecting on how I used to be. I'm not where I want to be yet, but have come A LONG way and I think you even realizing and acknowledging it is a start.

 

Since high school through my college years it was like I was hooked up to an IV of male attention. At any given moment I was "talking" to at least 3 guys. I always had someone on tap to text me, stroke my ego, take me out. In the bunch, sometimes I didn't seriously like any of them and sometimes I really really liked one of them. Throughout my own A, I was head over heels in love with him, but also had other men I was talking to. It was constant. I needed that validation. When I had a boyfriend it would stop, where it was just them, but I also picked relationships that I shouldn't have chosen and become highly invested in the work of getting a stable, committed relationship out of a man who couldn't really provide it. They were not "bad guys"...they simply had their own issues and thus couldn't be 100% invested in a real relationship....but we both decided to try anyway and I usually assumed most of the responsibility.

 

I too would obsess over the people I really liked...and I was so inlove and so on, when in reality, I realized later on that I chose high anxiety situations, with unavailable men, whether emotionally or they in fact had another R (like the A); it was a subconscious thing. I chose impossible situations, which produced all these anxious feelings, which I couldn't differentiate from butterflies and love. It was always a push and pull, come here, go away, maybe it will work, maybe not, will you actually do what you said or won't you? It was never straight forward and simple. I was always on edge, always fighting some odds, but that feeling also felt like what being in love was about....smh. I know for me, it stemmed from my relationship with my dad, who is a serial cheater who essentially is emotionally unavailable and fickle. I gravitated to men who were a replica of him in some way, and usually I didn't realize this of course, until after a while. The more it wasn't working and was unavailable, the more I was inlove and the more anxious I became, the more they pulled away was the more I pushed to squeeze a loving, stable relationship out of them. I thought I was unlucky and they were the problem, until I realized, I too had my own issues of commitment phobia, hence, while I lamented about it, I was the one choosing these guys and these types of scenarios seemed to be the only ones I attracted. I subconsciously chose men who I could never have a healthy relationship with because of my own issue. I had to realize that I coudn't control any of these men, so it had to be me who needed to be different.

 

It wasn't an easy road and still isn't. It was a pattern and reflected subconscious beliefs I grew up with and you don't simply realize and say "Aha!" and then go forth a new woman lol. I still have a tendency to get butterflies for unavailable guys...but I know my "weakness" and I know once I start liking a man a lot and it starts feeling more anxious/obsessive/has me questioning myself and worth and makes me feel rejected....that it's probably me reaching for the uncomfortable familiar and I need to step away from it. I know what it looks and feels like and can stop myself before investing too much. In late 2009 I also decided I had enough of these empty textships and that I didn't need to be hitched, even vestigially, to some random guy to feel good and literally deleted and blocked all the guys I had been talking to. It was sooooooo freeing! For all of 2010, I was celibate and was working on me. It was great! It felt like such a purge and so empowering to focus on school, myself, friends, other things besides men and obsessing over a man or juggling non-relationships/casual relationships. It was like I had no clue how overloaded and hooked to this type of validation I was until I cut it all off. There were times in the past where the chatter of all these men was on a lull and I'd almost feel desperate to get it back, but when I made that decision, I didn't feel lonely or desperate, but empowered and free. I could slow down and realize what I want and didn't want and what my own fears and issues were and could work through them and choose better, versus throw myself into obsessing over some 'relationship", which in reality was just a distraction from my self work.

 

I also read a good book called:Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself. It was a great book which really touched on those types of feelings and issues and helped me to put things in perspective.

 

 

Wow just wow

 

Nail on the head ! Absolutely brilliant Miss Bee

 

That is my problem but I also spend too much time on my own and in my own thoughts, I just think waaay to much.

 

I will re-read in depth when I have the time in the morning

 

Thank you x

[aliveagain]

Yes I am, no I have never been abused but my father is a serial cheater also. No I become to jealous over what I consider to be mines (even xMM)

I was just wondering if your husband thought of you the same way?

[Pierre]

TOW

 

You have great introspection. I don't even have to repeat my rant about OWs looking for external validation.

 

Are you capable of truly loving someone? I asked because perhaps you mostly want the validation.

[whichwayisup]

No, I have been last few weeks but I am struggling and becoming obsessed, I dont have many female friends they are all busy with their own lives and tbh I think they are just as fed up with me as I am of myself.

 

Few weeks is not long enough. Maybe it's time to just take a break from ALL men and spend time with "you". Let yourself have a breather from all the dating crap, exMM, and your exH's friend. You don't need to have a man in your life to complete you.

 

Focus on yourself, your family, your women friends and have fun (without it involving a guy). I think this time is what you need to grow and learn, rid of past dynamics and maybe some bad habits. (I say that nicely and with respect, just in case it reads wrong..)