StillHurtin Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 Dh and I didn't have the best of marriage b4 the A, but we worked on it. We went to marriage counseling and that helped to some point, but we didn't go long enough. The counselor we were put w/ retired 2 weeks after we started counseling session. They were going to give us another counselor. Neither one of us wanted to spend more money retelling the new counselor about our marriage so we quit going. We were married about 5 years when we went to counseling. Anyhoo, almost 6 years later he filed for a D, we seperated, and he had an A w/ a co-worker. He broke it off w/ her about 2 months and begged me to take him back. I can't help to think that I was the one who drove him into the OW's bed. I said some hurtful things to dh when we fought. Thinks like "I hate you! I want a divorce! Go sleep w/ someone else and leave me the he!! alone!" I DID NOT mean any of it, but I said it b/c I was so angry w/ him. I regret it so much for the things I said to him. I did it out of anger, I did it out of frustration. It was wrong, I know this. I knew it then too. I apologized and said I didn't mean those things and that I did love him, but he just made me angry. He said some mean things too but never anything like I said. Neither one of us treated eachother the way we should of treated eachother. But no matter what hurtful, mean things he said to me I NEVER wanted to have an A. I married him for better or for worse, and I promised to be faithful to him and I was, no matter how badly it got. Since I said these awful things to him was it ok he cheated on me? Or, just b/c I said such awful things to him that was no excuse to have an A? At times I find myself blaming myself for the A, other times I feel that it wasn't my fault, he chose to have an A. My counselor told me that it was no way my fault that he had the A. He chose to sleep w/ the OW and I should never blame myself.
Moose Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 It's not your fault in my opinion.....if Mrs. Moose told me to go sleep with someone else I'd tell her she's friggin' crazy!! Sounds to me he took advantage of the situation..... I know you're going to blame yourself and that's perfectly understandable. But he vowed to marry you....to be faithful to you...he should of never of let the deal go down as long as he was married....simple. What you said was out of anger....he should've known that, or actually, he did know that he just used it to his advantage....if I were you I'd be pissed and not feeling blame! But now that's it all said and done, it's time for you to let it go and rebuild your marriage. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life....
jmargel Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 Read my link in my signature. I talk about this. It may help you out some.
VivianLee Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 It's never okay to cheat! You can take blame for 50% of your marriage being unhappy. You were also unhappy but you respected your vows, he didn't. He took the unhappiness and cheated, he was wrong. He should be begging for forgiveness and should be doing what he can to help you to feel better about yourself, help you try and trust him and to prove he deserves your forgiveness. All you have needed to do if apologize for your 50%. You've suffered the worse thing a spouse can suffer and that is betrayal, I hope he is doing his dead level best to make you feel better and to make you happy!
izzybelle Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 no, the things you said don't make it ok for someone to have an affair although i think if someone hears those types of things enough times it will lead to that. my ex MMs wife said similar things to him which right or wrong led him to believe that the marriage was over. which actually brings me to my main question.... he had filed for divorce? were you legally separated? was this what made him feel it was "ok" to see someone else? i won't even say "affair" because if you're legally separated i'm not sure it counts that way. i know, i know,still married until the final paper work is done. but was that how he saw it? did he really see it as cheating on you or was he just "moving on?" i guess it may just be a matter of semantics but if you were sep..... you need to recognize that he may not see it the same way you do. sure, he may have still felt he was "cheating" on you but i guess my point is, it may not be because of what you said that caused the action but more that he thought he was free to do so?
Author StillHurtin Posted October 18, 2004 Author Posted October 18, 2004 Originally posted by izzybelle no, the things you said don't make it ok for someone to have an affair although i think if someone hears those types of things enough times it will lead to that. my ex MMs wife said similar things to him which right or wrong led him to believe that the marriage was over. which actually brings me to my main question.... he had filed for divorce? were you legally separated? was this what made him feel it was "ok" to see someone else? i won't even say "affair" because if you're legally separated i'm not sure it counts that way. i know, i know,still married until the final paper work is done. but was that how he saw it? did he really see it as cheating on you or was he just "moving on?" i guess it may just be a matter of semantics but if you were sep..... you need to recognize that he may not see it the same way you do. sure, he may have still felt he was "cheating" on you but i guess my point is, it may not be because of what you said that caused the action but more that he thought he was free to do so? Thanks everyone for replying to my post, I truely appreciate everything that was said. As for you ?'s izzybelle, I will try my best to answer them. Yes, he had filed for a divorce the April 7th of 2003. I told him if he wanted a divorce that I no longer wanted him living w/ me and our children. So he told me he would move out if I could just give him a few days to find a place to stay. On April 10th he moved into his best friends house w/ him. We weren't legally seperated, but the divorce papers were filed w/ the court. From his words he said he felt that the marriage was over and he was going to start his life over w/ the OW. He was still coming over to see the kids every other day and of course, I was stupid and slept w/ him each time he came over thinking maybe that would win him back ( Even though I wasn't 100% happy in the marriage I still loved him and did not want the divorce). To him it was like he was moving on w/ his life and he chose her to move on w/ it. I don't honestly think he saw it as cheating, but I did, b/c he kept coming over and sleeping w/ me, telling me he still loved me but he wasn't really sure if the marriage would or could work. So he was not only cheating on me, but on his new girlfriend. Which, by the way, he told her he was still sleeping w/ me and she asked why and he told her b/c he wasn't sure if he really wanted the divorce, that he may have made a mistake. I told him that if he wanted to start his life over w/ the OW WHY couldn't he of waited until the divorce was final. I guess he couldn't wait that long to sleep w/ the OW. She paid A LOT of attention to him at work, flirted w/ him, made him feel good about himself, ect. I really didn't do that much anymore b/c the marriage wasn't good. I guess what makes me upset the most is that dh admitted that the OW pulled him aside one day at work (B4 he filed the divorce and we were seperated) and she told him she needed to talk to him. They went riding around in his truck and she said she was attracted to him and kissed him! He said he pushed her away and said it wasn't a good idea. Somehow I think then and there he knew the OW was definately attracted to him and wanted to persue it some more so that is one of the reasons he filed for a D. Maybe he thought he knew if he didn't end the marriage b4 he slept w/ her that it was cheating so he wanted to file for a divorce to make it look like he wasn't such a jerk for screwing around on me. I guess why I think it's still and A even though we were seperated was b/c he kept coming over and telling me he might of made a mistake and maybe we shouldn't get a divorce and all along he is still sleeping w/ her. That is how I considered it an A.
izzybelle Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 still, wow, what a mess! and yes, i can definitely understand why you would consider it an affair. my heart goes out to you. it can't be an easy situation to have to deal with. don't consider yourself stupid for sleeping with him. if you were still in love with him and still legally married then it's easy to see why that happened. there may be some who would say that they wouldn't do it but i can't honestly say under the circumstances that i wouldn't have as well. don't blame yourself for all of it. as, i think, in many situations there's no one person who can and should shoulder all the blame. but he has to accept his part in all of it. i hope things work out for you. i guess my fear is, and i don't know, but if he doesn't consider it an affair and doesn't think he's done anything wrong is that going to make things more difficult for you? is he just going to expect you to behave as if nothing has happened? i would think that that could complicate the healing process. do you feel that he's going to be faithful from now on or do you think he is he still seeing his OW? i know you said he broke it off, but do you believe in your heart that it's over? sorry for all the questions!
CurlyIam Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 I'll try to be as articulate as possible. Love makes us do craziest things. Makes us give things up, makes us t accept situations, people,facts that otherwise would be unconceiveble to. Living together and being in a relationship sometimes is unbearable. It's like you want so bad to leave, or change, but can't because you're stuck. Most of the times you're stuck in your daily routine and in your little rituals, around work, around the partner, around work, that it just drives you crazy. You're miserable, the partner's miserable. Sometimes you just feel like blaming the other person. Other times you feel like setting him free, only to get out of it. Hence the "I want a divorce" "go sleep with someone else". It doesn't mean that the other person has the right to do so. But just like you've said, you both are miserable. You both were stuck. The way to handle this.... the right way to handle this... I don't know. Some people cheat. I have been on the verge of cheating myself too once. Was really miserable, was away and did meet someone. I was also very disapointed and alone and scared. But I couldn't. It was not on his lips I was to find my way out. So I didn't. Some people never get over a cheating partner. Other people never get over people they've left behind. I fear that your husband was looking for a substitute. It didn't work. Now, the question is: "does he want you back"or does he want what you used to have together? Is it you that he wants or is it the way the relationship made him feel, the certainty of knowing he is loved and of belonging? Make him tell the truth, think and see where it goes. It would be stupid that if you guys do love eachother, for a mistake he made, to give everything up. Men are weaker, to the point that they give in phisically easier. Women, on the other hand, cheat more. In a lifetime, they are emotionally cheating waaay more many times than men. The fact that they don't actually go ahead and have sex... that's because we happen to be a bit more responsable. That's how I see it, anyway.
Nosmas Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 Am I the only one who finds Curly's prose charming and lyrical? Sometimes I can read her post and begin to hear music. Weird? Yeah, but I just had to say it. And I mean that in the least slavering way possible. And I agree with her: "cheating" is more of an admission that you have failed yourself than your spouse. If you have so much pain in a relationship, then get out, however inconvenient the externalities might make it. Otherwise you are simply weak.
Author StillHurtin Posted October 19, 2004 Author Posted October 19, 2004 Originally posted by izzybelle i hope things work out for you. i guess my fear is, and i don't know, but if he doesn't consider it an affair and doesn't think he's done anything wrong is that going to make things more difficult for you? is he just going to expect you to behave as if nothing has happened? i would think that that could complicate the healing process. do you feel that he's going to be faithful from now on or do you think he is he still seeing his OW? i know you said he broke it off, but do you believe in your heart that it's over? sorry for all the questions! It is really hard to explain about him not thinking it was an A. Part of him thinks it was b/c he came back to me, but the other part he didn't really think it was b/c he thought the marriage was over w/??? So, I don't know if he thinks at the time it wasn't an A but now he thinks it was. Does that make any sense? I don't think he expects me to behave as nothing happens. He still says how stupid he was and how wrong he was to this day. I try not to bring it up b/c my counselor said not to. 2nite we went shopping and on the way home he brought it up again (I didn't mention anything to him about it). He said he got to thinking about it today and how stupid he was. He said that he thinks the reason why he had the A was b/c he was stupid and told the OW about our marriage problems and she knew the right thing to say and do to make him feel better about himself. He talked to her as a friend and she took advantage of his weakness. The OW had a way w/ sweet talking anyone. I know this for a fact. Even her ex mil (whom I called b/c I wanted to speak to the OW own H. He had come over a few times to talk to me about it). Anyhow, her own mil said she had a way w/ words and she was a sweet talker and no matter what she said she could make almost anyone believe her. And stupid me, believed that she wasn't having an A w/ dh, that they were just talking about our marriage. He said he was wrong for turning to another woman to talk about our marriage problems. He said he should of came to me about it instead of her. Do I think that he is still seeing the OW? Honestly, I know he isn't. It's a long story but about 4 months after he broke it off w/ her she got him fired!!! TG b/c I didn't want him to work w/ her anymore even though he made decent money and loved his job. We no longer live in the same town. I moved 90 miles away to be near my family for support. He stayed there and stayed working at the same place as the OW until she got him fired. Then he packed up his things and moved in w/ me and our kids. We still own our own home in the same town where she lives. It is on the market. We still have several friends we go see there. On occassion we see her driving around town and one time we even seen her at the bar w/ her new Bf when we were out w/ friends. I never said a word to her but if looks would kill she would be dead. My dh can't stand her. He has said some awful things about her and even though she did what she did I told him that it wasn't right to say those things b/c they were some awful things. I can't help to think that if she wouldn't of gotten him fired where would the marriage be then? I told him that if he wants to work it out he either needs to leave the job or find away to get her out of there. Well, she did that for me. No need to apologize for all the questions. It helps to understand the situation better.
izzybelle Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 still, it is good to hear that he's admitted what he did was wrong, stupid, or whatever he wants to call it and i'm sorry that his affair has made further complications for you as far as his job went. but, it sounds like it's worked out for the best that he, and you, can have her out of your lives and start fresh. and yes, i know people, both men and women, like the OW you describe. and i guess those are the people who are good at playing "the game," saying what they know the other person wants to hear. in the end they'll probably end up getting burned by someone else who's better at playing the game. did she get him fired as revenge for ending things? a sad way to deal with things, but the result seems to be helping you in the long run. in any case, i hope the distance will help you both to heal and repair your marriage! good luck!
Author StillHurtin Posted October 19, 2004 Author Posted October 19, 2004 I think that was part of the reason why she got him fired, at least that is what some ppl and even his lawyer said. Currently, dh has a lawsuit filed against the company for firing him. What happened should of never happened and believe me, a lot of ppl including his mom and step dad, and all my family have told him it was stupid for what he did. What happened was that dh shared an office w/ two or three other guys. She was in their office and like usual she was going off at the mouth and said some smart comment towards dh. He grabbed her around the waist. She started laughing, fell to the floor and said "THAT TICKLES!" As soon as that happened she went to the HR Dept and filed a complaint against dh and a day later he was fired for harrassment. She probably sweet talked her way into getting him fired. He hired a lawyer b/c his mom, step dad and my family said that was harsh for firing him and he should hire a lawyer. His lawyer said it sounded like horseplay and he shouldn't of been fired. Maybe suspended for a few days, or written up, but never fired so he said dh had a legit reason to file. A very close friend of mine also worked at the same place and she said she was in the office and she seen the OW crying the next day dh was fired. She doesn't know if she was crying b/c she got him fired or for some other reason. The OW still called after he broke up w/ her. Dh told her to stop calling him, she didn't. I went down to see him at his mom one night. I didn't have a job yet so I had the time to go down and see him during the week. After he got done w/ golf and came to see us she called him on his cell, but he didn't answer the phone (I was standing there when she called and seen her number on the caller ID). About a week later I went down to see him and she called him again. I was unpacking when the phone rang and dh picked the phone and said "WTH is she calling?" I took the phone and answered. So pissed off that I didn't know what to say to her. I answered the phone and she said "J (my name)?" I said "Yes." She asked me if dh had heard anything about a co-worker friend of theirs being in the hospital from falling from a horse as they went horseback riding that day and she was thrown. STUPID ME told her I didn't know and handed dh the phone. All he said was "Huh huh, no, oh really?" And that was it. I was so pissed I started shaking more than I have ever in my life. After he hung up the phone I picked it right back up and called her back. I told her that she better stop calling or there would be he!! to pay. She said "I am not scared of you J." I told her I wasn't scared of her either. Told her there was no reason she needed to be calling him to tell him about this woman getting thrown and hospitalized. She started crying and said "But she might die J!" I told her that I felt badly for her and I hope she makes it but there was no reason for her to be calling him. She said I shouldn't be the one so mad at her b/c dh was after her first!!!! I told her that was BS and she knew it b/c she was after him since day one! She didn't comment. I told her something about knowing it wouldn't take her long to open her legs for him. She said that she hopes our marriage works. I told her I had nothing more to say to her and hung up. She never called again.
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